My Sun, My Supernova
by Ditch Gospel
Summary: When Sanzo undergoes past life regression therapy, the unexpected side effects change everything. Is Goku too dazzled by the light to see the truth, even as it casts him into darkness? [Sanzo x Goku, dark] COMPLETE and revised
1. Sunstroke

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Saiyuki. Written for fun, not profit.

**Warnings: **This story is rated 'M' for adult situations, including blood, angst, self-injury, male/male sexual relations, violence, etc.

**Pairings:** Goku/Sanzo/Goku (main), some Gojyo/Sanzo

**Introduction: **When Sanzo decides to undergo past-life regression therapy, it triggers a series of unexpected side-effects that will change everything. Now, it's up to Goku to set things right, but is he too dazzled by the light to see the truth, even as it casts him into darkness?

* * *

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 1**

**Sunstroke **

Sand in the boots, _again._

Sanzo just grits his teeth in distaste and resists the urge to empty the offending substance from his footwear. It would not do to let the other three catch wind of his minor discomfort, after all. Besides, Hakkai has assured them that it will only be another day's travel before they reach the village at the edge of this forsaken wilderness of sand.

Upon Hakkai's insistence that Hakuryu be given a break, Sanzo has in his turn insisted that they continue on foot, despite the sweltering heat. Technically, this isn't a true desert, more like scrubland, but the seemingly endless expanse of sand, the heat and the scarcity of any real shade are enough to make it feel like a torture chamber after a week's trek.

Besides which, they_ have _been making rather a forced march of it, on Sanzo's says it is his wish to make up for time lost after their final encounter with Homura, and the added delay of allowing themselves to recuperate before continuing west. However, Sanzo does seem especially adamant on putting this desert between themselves and recent occurrences.

But the _heat. _Sanzo wonders irritably how Goku and Gojyo can keep at it even in this temperature. After a time, their continual quarreling begins to drone away into nothing more than a distant whine, a mere buzzing in his ears. Sanzo is more troubled by other matters. He has been for some time now, and what bothers him the most is that he can't quite pinpoint the reason behind this unrest. Something to do with Homura, he thinks vaguely. Or, more accurately, _triggered _by Homura.

He frowns, wracking his mind for answers that remain ever elusive, as a distant mirage. He does not notice Hakkai's concerned glances, as the green-eyed man attempts to read the monk's thoughts through the expression on his face.

The day wears on, relentless in its monotonous drudgery. The sun hangs high in a tomb-still sky. Yet Sanzo's thoughts remain caught up in a storm of confusion.

Homura…

Something he had said just before his death…

_"Konzen…that time five hundred years ago…"_

Trudging onward, one foot in front of the other, Sanzo broods silently. Why should he put any significance at all into the ramblings of a dying creature, god or otherwise? And yet, there _is _something…_something _significant in those words. He feels almost certain of it. But what? What does it have to do with him? Or Goku?

Goku.

Sanzo snorts dismissively, earning another glance from Hakkai's direction. He has no intention of getting into _that _line of thought right now. But the truth is he hasn't been able to get the troublesome creature _out_ of his mind since the recent events in Homura's castle.

There's always been a connection, a strange bond, between Goku and himself, he _knows _this, can _feel _it, as clearly as he had heard the voice that lured him into the mountains in search of its source. This bond is more powerful than he would ever like to admit. But now, it has become almost a physical presence in its intensity, and it disturbs him, for he knows not how to deal with the disordered and unwelcome emotions that it seems to stir up inside his cold and guarded heart.

The buzzing in Sanzo's ears continues, although his companions are, at the moment, walking together in silence. He no longer feels the sand gritting in his boots, and it's getting more difficult by the moment just to keep his head up and eyes open let alone try to think coherently.

The air feels devoid of oxygen, filled with nothing but stifling heat. His breathing gradually becomes laboured as his pace begins to slow, causing the others to follow suit. He becomes aware, through the haze in which he now finds himself sinking, that Hakkai is saying something to him.

Vacant violet eyes sluggishly turn towards the sound of the familiar voice. Hakkai is offering him a canteen of water.

Ah, so that's what he wants. Sanzo does not respond, turning his eyes towards the sky instead. The sun is there, smiling maliciously down upon him, kissing his skin with its smoldering light, embracing his body in its smothering heat.

The sun…

Always the sun…

His vision doubles, and the sun splits into twin orbs of shining, golden light. Deliriously, he finds himself thinking how impossible it is for two suns to exist at once. The earth has only one sun, doesn't it?

Suddenly, everything goes black, and the burning brightness of the world fades away into blessed darkness.

Sanzo collapses into the sand, and the last thing he hears before completely losing consciousness is Goku's voice calling out his name…

XXX

When next Sanzo awakens, he finds himself lying on a bed in a cool, dark room. He has been stripped down to his jeans, and someone has placed a damp cloth on his forehead. The last thing he remembers is the sun, and Goku calling out to him in concern. Somehow that combination seems very right. But, there had been something _wrong _with the sun, hadn't there? Yes, there had been two of them, two suns.

Confused, Sanzo blinks his eyes, trying to clear away the lingering haze in his head. He feels much better now, but his head still aches beneath the remains of fever. He sucks in a breath of the dry air, and lets it out slowly with a hiss.

Sounds reach his ears, as village life drifts in softly through the open window. He can even hear his companions somewhere nearby, arguing over something good-naturedly. Probably about food, Sanzo thinks idly. Idiots.

So they have reached the village, then. How weak of him to succumb to the effects of the heat when the village was so very near. He wonders briefly how the others had dealt with bringing him into the village, but only briefly, for he had not asked for their help, and it is therefore not his concern. But all seems well now, even peaceful, so he allows himself this stolen moment to relax and recover his heat-baked senses.

Soon, thirst and the craving for a smoke make him restless. A pitcher of water left on the bedside stand eases one of his needs, and he soon finds his cigarettes placed neatly with the rest of his belongings and freshly washed and folded robe

Sanzo sits on the edge of the bed, slipping a cigarette between his lips. He flicks the lighter into life and ignites the cancer stick, sucking the smoke into his waiting lungs.

Ah, that feels _much _better.

Footsteps outside the room catch his attention, and Goku pops his way inside, looking relieved and happy to see Sanzo up and about.

"Sanzo! You're up! They said you had heatstroke, but for us not to worry 'cause it wasn't serious. You hungry? The food here is _awesome_! And they're really nice! They don't have an inn, but this household is puttin' us up! Man, you shoulda seen how excited they were to have a Sanzo under their roof! It was hilarious! Oh, and…"

Sanzo begins to tune out Goku's incessant chatter. He notices the bowl of food in Goku's hands, which the boy is obviously somewhat hesitant about offering. Not surprising, he supposes, considering how he had reacted the last time Goku had tried giving him an offering of food. It had been canned peaches that time. For some reason, the sight of that cheery can lying rejected on the floor seems burnt into his memory.

He notices also how tanned Goku's skin has become, from their continued travels under the sun. His own pale complexion seems quite content to simply burn, never darkening more than the slightest degree. And his hair, while Goku's has become streaked with lighter highlights, has happily soaked up as much sun as possible, bleaching into the fairest shade of blond.

Not yet satisfied with their visual perusal, Sanzo's eyes take in the gleam of Goku's golden irises, how they sparkle in the dim light of the room. He would gladly call Goku a clumsy, childish, foolish monkey to his face, any day of the week. But as he quietly observes the demon now, he knows this isn't true. Can this boy really be the same creature he had rescued from the cave all that time ago?

Sanzo, still not paying any attention to Goku's words, watches as he sets thebowl down on the little stand. Why _is _Goku going on and on like this anyway? Goku is often noisy, but not a chatter box like this. He almost seems…nervous. And not just because of the food. _Nervous?_

Sanzo regards him curiously as he takes another long, deep drag from his cigarette, then closes his eyes as he slowly releases the smoke from between semi-parched lips. When the still slightly heat-hazed violets re-open, Goku has finally shut up. Their eyes meet and lock, and Goku emits a tiny, almost inaudible gasp.

Watching Sanzo exhale the intake of smoke, Goku's breath catches, mid-sentence. Now, he becomes aware of a strange feeling, here in this dark, quiet room, with Sanzo's comforting presence and familiar scent, the paleness of his skin and hair and those smoky amethyst eyes. He becomes aware of Sanzo's relaxed posture on the edge of the bed, clad in only his jeans. He finds himself mesmerized, eyes riveted on those parted lips, as Sanzo just blows out his smoke, for once not telling him to shut up or breaking out the paper fan.

Now, hazy violet meets gleaming gold, and the atmosphere in the room goes suddenly electric. Neither man so much as breathes, and Goku feels a warmth rising to flush his cheeks.

The spell breaks as Sanzo snaps his gaze away.

"Goku."

His voice is husky from the effects of dehydration and the dry desert air. Goku's own voice wavers slightly as he responds.

"Sanzo?"

"I need more cigarettes. Let's go see what this pathetic dump of a village has to offer."

"Sure, but… your dinner? Hakkai said you should try an' have somethin'. And it's mostly liquid, so it'll help."

"Hmph."

Impatiently, Sanzo lifts the lid on the bowl and takes in the sight of the broth-like soup. Under Goku's determined eye, he quickly downs the nourishing, thirst-quenching liquid. Satisfied, Goku grins and nods his head.

As Sanzo rises from the bed and moves to collect the rest of his clothing, Goku quickly grows flustered. The priest just looks so gracefully predatory in the dark that the demon can't seem to tear his eyes away from his fluid movements.

Sanzo casts a questioning look at Goku, arching an eyebrow.

"Was there something else?"

"Ahh…no? I'll go wait outside, bye Sanzo!"

Quickly, he leaves the room and breaths a sigh of relief.

"Whew. That was kinda weird, but hell, it's just _Sanzo_, so get a grip. "

Upon Goku's hasty departure, Sanzo narrows his eyes, feeling unsettled, and strangely not as relieved to see him go as he would like himself to be.

XXX

"Ah, Priest Sanzo, how marvelous to see that you're feeling better! Please, feel free to stay here with us as long as you need to, you and your companions are most welcome! Our village, and our humble home,is very honoured by your visit! Very honoured indeed! Please, can we offer you anything else? Is there anything you need?"

"Shit. Just what I need, profuse praise from the goddamn villagers."

Sanzo mutters to himself, unable to resist rolling his eyes before squeezing them shut in annoyance.

"Cigarettes. I need cigarettes."

"Oh. Well, Sir, umm…"

Rolling his eyes again, sanzo holds up a hand in a gesture of dismissal.

"Just tell me where I might find some."

Having neither the patience nor tolerance for this old routine tonight, he quickly gets the information he needs and makes his escape, deciding to leave Hakkai to take care of all the niceties. He makes his way outside, where Goku is waiting. Together, they make their way through the streets, almost leisurely, as Goku begins to recite names of foods he'd like to eat for an after dinner snack.

To Goku, it still seems a little odd the way Sanzo is practically just ignoring him, rather than getting angry or irritated, as he usually would. As a result, Goku finds himself talking more, just to hide his discomposure. Perhaps Sanzo still feels sick? The thought crosses Goku's mind, although Sanzo doesn't really _look _sickIn fact, the monk almost seems to be preoccupied by something. Goku's curiosity is quickly building. If there's something that Sanzo isn't telling him, that just won't do, because Goku _hates_ secrets. If something _is_ bothering Sanzo, Goku wishes he would just come out with it, rather than bottling everything up all the time. Goku feels his frustration intensifying, until finally, he stops in his tracks. Sanzo just keeps walking, seemingly oblivious.

"Sanzo."

Sanzo ignores him, continuing to walk on ahead.

"Hey, Sanzo!"

"Hmm?"

"Sanzo…"

He is interrupted when a woman suddenly emerges from a house, calling out to them softly.

"Honourable Priest Sanzo. Please, come this way. There is something I wish to discuss with you."

She beckons gently with one slender, many-ringed hand, her body completely draped in flowing green robes. Even her face is concealed behind light green lace. Tiny bells adorning her clothing and jewelry tinkle as she scent of incense and spices exude from her doorway, drifting out into the night air.

Goku's nose twitches, as do Sanzo's nerves.

Beginning to walk on by, he calls back over his shoulder to the stranger.

"I'm busy now. If there's something important, discuss it with my host in the morning, he'll pass along the message to me."

"Ah, but Master Sanzo, I have something deserving of your special attention. A gift, for an honoured guest. If you please, allow me to humbly bestow it."

With these words, she places her hands together ina gesture of respect and bows politely. Sanzo is unimpressed.

"I have no need of gifts. Let's go, Goku."

"Aw, come on Sanzo, don't be a spoil sport. What kind of gift, lady? Is it _food_?"

"Why, no, young Sir. It is something very special. Please. I only wish to serve."

"Something _better_ than food?"

"I would like to tell Priest Sanzo's fortune, if I may have the honour of doing so."

At these words, Goku's face brightens as an idea occurs to him. If Sanzo has his fortune told, maybe that will help him to figure out whatever it is that's bothering him. It sounds like a _great_ idea, but how can he get Sanzo to agree?

Sanzo's own reaction, upon hearing the reason for the interruption of his evening stroll, is a hiss of rejection and an utterly _ridiculous_ waste of time. Goku's apparent enthusiasm only serves to irritate him further.

"Sanzo! That's so cool! Come on, let's go."

"Don't be stupid, Goku, we're leaving."

"Sanz_ooo_!"

"I said no, that's final."

"But..."

"Shut up!"

Goku frowns, thinking plotting thoughts:

_'Crap, at this rate, Sanzo's gonna break out the fan. And if he _doesn't_, that's a sign that he _really _needs this fortune ladies help!'_

Deciding to try a different approach,Goku grabs one of Sanzo's hands as the monk turns to leave, and, speaking calmly, makes his request.

"Sanzo, _please _let her tell your fortune? It can't hurt anything, and it would really make me feel good if you did."

Sanzo, momentarily surprised by Goku's unexpected actions, peers suspiciously intohis huge, pleading eyes. Then his gaze shifts to the woman in green. It feels almost as if the two are working together against him.

Yanking his hand roughly out of Goku's grip, he simultaneously shakes off such paranoid thoughts. A nuisance is all that this is. Oh, he knows how to deal with nuisances. Either beat some sense into them, or, better yet, beat them senseless. Failing that, ignore them, or, _very_ occasionally, indulge them just enough to get them to shut up. It all depends on what degree of bad mood he happens to be in at the time.

Tonight, the day's heat and confusion have lulled him into something resembling a shadow of tranquility, and he finds himself reluctantly drawn towards the latter method.

Thus, he is also reluctantly drawn through the door of the fortune-teller's home.


	2. Warming Up

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 2**

**Warming Up**

Goku thinks that his hopes of convincing Sanzo to agree are dashed, as the stubborn monk roughly disengages his hand from the demon's earnest grip. Suddenly, however, Goku perks up, all attention focused on the blond object of his concern.

Goku hasn't been observing Sanzo, like the devoted admirer he is, since first they met for nothing. He _knows _that slightly abrupt turn of the head, that miniscule sneer of disdain quickly chased away by a look of totally bored indiffrence. He is equally familiar with that particular note in the sigh Sanzo releases as he again turns Goku's way.

Sanzo has agreed to his request!

Internally grinning, Goku knows better than to let on to his secret knowledge. He just holds his breath expectantly, and…

Sure enough…

"Goku, what are you doing standing in the street like the village idiot when we have business to attend to?"

…Sanzo begins a dignified and purposeful walk towards the fortuneteller's door!

Success!

Feeling quite pleased and proud of himself for his rather significant accomplishment, Goku takes a moment to witness Sanzo's imperious entrance across the ladies threshold. And as he does so, his boyish pride slips over into something quite different. He finds himself wondering, in dreamy fascination with his eyes glued to the other man's retreating form, just how Sanzo manages to look both so _delicate_ and yet so _dangerous_ at the same time.

When Sanzo stops just inside the door, turning back to glare at him, Goku feels his stomach do a little flip. A strange sense of embarrassment makes him swallow hard even as it reddens his ears. He suddenly worries that maybe Sanzo can read his thoughts in much the same way that he can read Sanzo's body language. But just what_is_ he thinking, anyway, and why does it seem to fluster him so?

Before Sanzo can throw any more harsh words his way, Goku quickly dashes to catch up, and they both enter the little building together, followed by the strange lady in green. Behind their backs, a secret smile of satisfaction crosses her lips, as she quietly shuts the door on the night.

XXX

The interior that greets Sanzo and Goku is an enchanting mixture of soft candlelight, exotic scents, and soothing simplicity of arrangement. Oils and dried herbs decorate the shelves, and the walls are hung with cloth in varying shades of green. Overall the effect is a calming one, and surely meant to put visitors at their ease.

They find themselves led through a curtained partition into an adjoining room, where, with a smooth flourish of slender hands and a respectful bow of the head, the lady indicates to Sanzo a comfortable looking reclining chair.

Somewhat hesitantly, Sanzo accepts the invitation to sit, although one could hardly call his use of the chair relaxed. Goku can't suppress a giggle at the sight of Sanzo perched tensely on the edge of the cushioned seat. There's just something funny about the thought of Sanzo being put through the obviously _torturous _ordeal of having his _fortune_ read. Heaven forbid!

Already regretting his decision to agree to this, Sanzo does not look at all pleased.

Goku notices the lady regarding him with a mildly stern look, and he stifles his mirth.

"Young Sir, if you please, would you mind waiting in the other room? This is a very private matter regarding Master Sanzo's affairs. As well, it will require our undivided attention."

"Ah, no fair! I wanna hear the fortune too! Sanzo, I can stay, right?"

"It's all right, Goku. This _will_ only take a minute."

His comment, spoken more like a threat, is directed with menacing clarity at the fortune-teller, who bows in response.

Growling and pouting, Goku turns sulkily to leave the room. Sanzo's voice follows him out the door with a last-minute command.

"While you're at it, wait all the way outside. Better yet, down the street!"

The _last_ thing he needs, Sanzo thinks, is Goku eavesdropping on this crackpot session and bringing back loads of ridiculous garbage for Gojyo to make use of in his Sanzo-aggravating obsession.

Once Goku's grumbles of protest fade out of earshot, the lady goes to work.

Quietly, she moves about the room, preparing and lighting a dish filled with some type of scented herb. Sanzo taps his foot pointedly as he waits, watching her progress. Soon, she begins to speak slowly in a soft, almost musical tone.

"Master Priest Sanzo, a fortune can offer insights into the past, the present and the future. It can see through the mists of the mind, the waters of the heart, down to the very depths of the soul. It can begin to make sense of the twisted roots of the self, untangle the knots of confusion and uncertainty that hinder us on our paths through life. Do you believe this can be so? In your position, you yourself surely have many insights into matters of the occult. Perhaps this is not so strange to you as you would have me believe. Perhaps, your reluctance to accept my gift is due to a subconscious denial of that which troubles you."

As she speaks, she kneels upon a cushion at Sanzo's side.

"You are a priest of strong-will, are you not? That willpower may very well wage battle with your inner desire to know the truth. The truth can make us stronger, certainly, but the process of bringing it to the surface can be a painful one. It may expose many old wounds, long concealed. It can seem to weaken us, at least temporarily. Such is the price of knowledge. A precious gift, indeed, but a difficult one to accept."

Sanzo finds, despite himself, that he is beginning to relax. Her actual words matter little, but the sound of her voice is soothing, and the atmosphere in the room calming. The scent from the lit incense seems to lull him further into an easy, pliant state of mind. Unintentionally, his body begins to relax into the chair in which he sits, and his eyes fall gently shut.

The lady continues her gentle commentary, observing his response. After a time, she seems satisfied and another small smile flickers across her features. Tenderly, almost cautiously, she takes one of her guest's hands in her own and begins to examine the lines on the palm. At her touch, she is awarded with a flinch of protest from the now half-asleep monk, but upon her soothing assurance,she isallowed to continue.

" I see... misfortune at birth, followed by a difficult childhood. Ah, but there was also happiness, and love. Tragedy. Sorrow. You are troubled by memories of the past. Rain. A dark flood of rain. But…something came into your life and changed everything. Something important. Things are still changing, even now. This concerns you, for you are aware of it, but confused as to the nature of this change. There is something else, as well."

She frowns in concentration, leaning in close.

Sanzo's breathing is even. His head has tilted to the side, allowing his hair to fall across his face in a soft caress upon one smooth cheek. All traces of tension and agitation have been erased, and he appears almost angelic in his repose.

Pursing her lips, the mystic places her hand lightly on his forehead and closes her eyes, focusing intently.

Yes, there is something else. She can feel it. Something mysterious and vague, but unwavering in it's insistency. Perhaps _this _is the key that she is looking for, the weak link in Genjo Sanzo's chain mail armour of spiritual strength. But it is buried so deep, as if from long ago in the past.

She shakes her head slightly, puzzled. Sanzo is still a young man, his past does not run _this _deep.

Straining her abilities to the limit, she begins to probe deep within Sanzo's soul. Just a little further, and the information she seeks will…

Sanzo suddenly goes tense. Through the hypnosis and drug-induced sleep, his subconscious has begun to sense the intrusion. Body unable to respond, his mind reacts by putting up mental walls of resistance, barriers of will.

"Hush, hush…Just a little more time, now. Relax."

The lady resumes with the mesmerizing effects of her voice, close to psychic overload with the extent of the workout her skills are receiving from this stubborn man.

Deeper, deeper…

Long ago…

A_ past_ life, perhaps?

This new realization strikes her suddenly and she grasps it.

Yes, that would seem to make sense in the circumstances. How unusual. If correct, something has apparently triggered a memory of events from a past life, events so significant, so powerful, that they have carried over into this reincarnation. How this is even possible, she has no idea, but the ethereal wisps of an elusive and unobtainable memory are winding their way around this man's soul and cutting into his awareness like poisonous barbed wire. No wonder his mind is so troubled, then, if this is what he must endure.

But she can make no further progress tonight. She is exhausted, Sanzo's resistance too strong, and the extent of the situation just too challenging. She must break for now. The concern is whether or not he will relent to more sessions, enabling her to continue her work.

It shouldn't be too difficult, she hopes. She has already loosened the seeds of his doubt, so perhaps the temptation to unearth the answers will persuade him. As well, there is also the boy, that Goku who so desperately wanted Sanzo to agree to this reading. If she has a word with him besides, he will be on her side in helping to convince the priest to return to her. If she fails in this mission, Lady Gyokumen Koushu will _not_ be pleased.

Reluctantly, wearily, she rises from her position and goes to extinguish the burning of the herb, replacing it with another that will help to rouse Sanzo from his trance. Then she reseats herself to await his awakening.

It does not take long for him to come back to his senses. Momentarily disoriented, and then quickly regaining his composure, he silently rebukes himself for giving in to sleep. He does not like the fact that he has allowed his guard to drop so easily. Now, he's had enough of this. Time to go pick up the monkey and leave this nonsense behind.

Suddenly, it hits him.

As soon as he latches onto this passing thought of Goku, it sets off a domino reaction of unbidden memories and images in his head. Vivid memories of his first meeting with Goku, and of the time when the voice was calling him into the mountains, suddenly surface in his mind. Even from before, long before he ever had so much as an inkling of Goku's existence.

No. Even further back. Before Goku, except, Goku is _still there._ These images are like distant memories of Goku, except that they don't seem _real_. Almost like seeing images from a dream that never was. And they are relentlessly, unceasingly, bombarding his mind until he begins to feel dizzy with the intensity of it all.

All Sanzo can do is grit his teeth, press his hand to his eyes and wait for the barrage of visions to pass.

"Are you all right, Sir?"

As the mental onslaught gradually subsides, he looks sharply at the woman in green, and stands from the chair to tower above her kneeling form.

"What…did you _do_?"

Placing a mock expression of surprise and concern on her veiled face, she shrinks slightly away.

"Honourable Priest Sanzo! I… I'm sorry, you fell asleep, I felt it was all right to continue, since I had your consent."

"Continue what?"

"Why, the reading, of course! Please Sir, let me _tell_ you what I discovered, I'm sure it may shed some light on whatever effects you may be experiencing."

"_Effects_?"

He has made his decision. He definitely does not like this woman. There's something about her that puts him on edge. How could he have allowed her to lure him into her little _games_? His anger is rising quickly.

"What you're feeling now, the discomfort, is it related in any way to the issues which were troubling you as you came into this village? You see, I feel I have begun to touch upon the cause of your concern, and the answers you seek, but I was not able to continue due to mental fatigue induced by the effort of concentration."

Impatient now, Sanzo interrupts her to demand an immediate explanation before his temper explodes.

"To the point, woman."

"The answers you seek, they lie deep in the past, in a past reincarnation, a past life from long ago. I have seen this truth, but was not quite able to _reach_ it."

"Past life? _Bullshit!_ What kind of insanity is this that you expect me to swallow?"

Insanity. If it is not truth, then it can only be insanity. Perhaps his grip on rational, stable thought is finally starting to give way. Perhaps it has already been slipping for some time now, ever since that day…

Perhaps this was inevitable all along.

Or, perhaps what she says is true. What he is experiencing are memories from a past life, breaking into his mind and clouding his thoughts with confusion.

"_Konzen, ever since that time, five hundred years ago…"_

Images of Goku from a time beyond memory…

Goku imprisoned in a cave for who knows how long, desperately calling out to him…

Sanzo stands rigid with shock and disbelief.

He _has_ to _know._

"When will you recover enough strength to continue the reading?"

Face hidden in a bow to the floor, the green mystic smiles in triumph and relief.


	3. Boiling Point

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 3**

**Boiling Point **

Morning arrives in the village.

In one particular household, four unusual travelers are in the process of sharing a meal together. There is nothing unusual in this; it's been the same thing every day since their journey began. But today, the atmosphere among them is somehow more subdued than usual.

Something is _different._ Something has _changed. _There's something going on with Sanzo that he's not telling them about, and Goku seems to be affected as well. Moreover, this is something that isn't just going to go away without leaving a mark.

Gojyo senses these things almost imperceptibly, like an itch on the edge of his awareness, as he lounges back in his chair, resisting the urge to put his feet up on the table. Unfortunately, this is one itch that's still a little too delicate to attempt to scratch without the risk of causing unnecessary damage. But that won't stop him from at least trying to alleviate the discomfort somewhat, and the best way for him to do that, is to be himself.

"So, _why _is it that we'll be kickin' around this town for awhile? Not that I'm complaining, or anything."

Goku looks up from his plate to answer, undeterred by a mouth stuffed with food,

"'Cause Sanzo's gotta meet with the lady for…OW! _Sanzo!_ What the heck was that for?"

Goku holds his abused head in response to an imaginary pain. Of course the paper fan can't really damage someone who could smash his fist through solid rock and not feel a thing. ButGoku will never, ever admit that it doesn't hurt, and, truthfully, in a way it _does_ hurt, only the pain isn't at all physical.

"That's your punishment for talking with your mouth full, stupid monkey. Now eat quietly!"

Amused, Gojyo chuckles,

"So, Sanzo's meeting with the ladies, is he? Now _this_ sounds interesting!"

This comment strikes a nerve with Goku. He frowns and glares at the redhead.

"No, you perverted cockroach! Do you have to go warping everything to fit in your depraved little antennae-topped mind?"

Goku is practically _begging_ to be teased this morning, and the crimson one won't pass up the opportunity to comply.

"Who said anything about depravity, monkey? But you do seem to know a lot about Sanzo's business. Maybe… the both of you are up to something together, eh? Something I should know about? Hey, Hakkai, what do you think? It sounds to me like High Priest Genjo Sanzo's got himself a secret rendevous with a mystery woman, and Goku's tagging along."

Goku pushes his chair back from the table and stands, glaring at Gojyo in frustrated annoyance.

"Shut up, Gojyo, Sanzo's not interested in girls like that, unlike some certain perverted water-sprite!"

By now, Gojyo's face is practically splitting in two, he's grinning so hard. However, much to Gojyo's dismay, Sanzo seems almost not to have heard him, judging by the lack of response from the normally trigger-happy monk.

"Oh, he's not? Then just what _is_ he interested in, eh, Goku?"

For some reason, Goku feels himself growing very uncomfortable with the way this argument is headed. He opens his mouth to make a retort, and suddenly realizes that he isn't even sure why he's so mad, let alone what he wants to say. Not to mention, the room is starting to feel just a bit too warm for his liking. Luckily, Hakkai comes to the rescue before Goku can spend too much time standing there with his mouth hanging open while a tinge of pink slowly creeps its way into his cheeks.

"Now, now, Gojyo, I'm sure we could all use a bit of a break after traveling hard for a week through the heat."

The redhead allows himself one more chuckle at Sanzo's expense.

"Yeah, we wouldn't want to get _sunstroke _now, would we. That would just be too much."

He is rewarded with a slight twitch from the blond's eyebrow, and Sanzo's hand, which has so far left the trusty gun untouched, begins to reconsider. However, Gojyo, momentarily satisfied, is already standing and excusing himself from the room.

"Think I'll take a walk, maybe go check out some of these ladies I've been hearing so much about, eh, Sanzo? That is, as long as you don't mind, I wouldn't want to be stepping into a certain someone's territory now, would I?"

With these oh so charming last words, and a wink in Sanzo's direction, Gojyo ambles out the door and proceeds to laugh his way down the street. When the door shuts behind the half-breed, Goku melts down into his chair in relief, while Sanzo absorbs himself by mutilating his cigarette in the process of stubbing it out. Immediately lighting up a fresh one, he addresses Hakkai casually,

"Hakkai. Why don't you and Gojyo take a holiday. If I even so much as get a glimpse of either of your faces in the next few days, dire emergency excepted, I'll give you each a new hole in the head. Understood?"

Slightly taken aback, as he still hasn't been able to figure out the cause behind Sanzo's recent behaviour, Hakkai decides to voice a mild rejection,

"Sanzo, is it wise for us to separate? I can understand if you have reasons of your own for wanting some time, but…"

"Listen, Hakkai. We haven't had any attacks or sign of pursuit since the last battle. What's more, Kougaiji himself didn't leave that scene in the best of shape. So, I say we can afford a short stop here, _and_ some time apart. We'll stay in pairs, just in case. And if anything does comes up, you know were to find us. That's my final decision, so live with it."

"All right, Sanzo. Gojyo and I will try to arrange alternative accommodation, then."

"Don't try, _do _it. I won't be needing you for a few days."

If Hakkai were the type for such a display of expression, he would be raising his eyebrows and blinking in surprise. But Hakkai will be Hakkai, so he just smiles slightly and finishes off his tea in silence.

XXX

The day passes uneventfully as routine village life goes on relatively uninterrupted around its honoured guests. Hakkai and Gojyo are offered a place to stay across town, and the heat wave remains, like plastic wrap stretched tautly across the land.

Goku is delighted to learn that Sanzo will be continuing to visit the fortuneteller. So it really is just what Sanzo needs, then. Of course he tries asking about the results of the reading, but Sanzo flatly refuses to give up any information whatsoever, and Goku figures it best not to persist with his questioning. This is important to Sanzo. He has a sense of this, and so despite being kept out of the loop, Goku is content to leave things as they are.

Besides, the thought of Sanzo and himself falling into the old routine again, the usual whining, followed by the yelling, the hitting, it just makes him feel… _worn out_, somehow. It's always the same, and lately, it just feels almost... _empty, _in a weird way, like it has no real meaning, just an act that keeps repeating over and over again without ever coming to any kind of conclusion.

Goku can't explain these feelings to himself, and if he tries it just makes his head hurt, so he pushes them into the back of his mind and tries to pretend they're not there. It doesn't make them go away, but it makes it a little easier, at least.

Sanzo and Goku spend the day resting in the room provided for them, each absorbed in his own thoughts, and the strange calm shared between them feels almost like a welcome relief.

After having seen the fortuneteler again this morning, Sanzo is grateful that Goku isn't bothering him too much about it.This process that he has so reluctantly gotten himself into has quickly become all-consuming. The decision to continue feels like the most important one he has ever made in his life, and he is dead-set on seeing it through to the end, no matter what may come of it.

The dreams he had had last night, after the first session, had been nearly terrifying in their significance. Fragmented and confused, like a kaleidoscope of images, it had been very difficult to grasp onto any coherency or clarity at all. It had been like trying to see through to the bottom in a pool of clear water, but not quite being able to because the surface is so distorted by ripples and reflections that no matter how hard you look, you can't really _see _what the water hides just beneath the surface. What he seeks seems to be so close, and yet remains still so obscure.

What he has managed to claim so far, is the feeling, or rather the _certainty, _that he had shared a life with Goku in the distant past, and this knowledge touches upon something deep inside that he has so far denied even being capable of, until now.

_Sympathy. Compassion._

He understands now, the reason for the profound _connection_ between Goku and himself. He knows why Goku's voice was able to reach him, and why he felt so compelled to follow.

The memories have shown him in painful form that he and Goku had been together, all that time ago. Then, for some reason, they had become separated. He had died, but Goku had not.

Instead, Goku had been sent intoexile and isolation, forced to wait for him to come to him, for a very, _very _long time.

For_ five hundred years._

Oh, gods, it _hurts. _It hurts so much to learn this fact now, that the pain is emotional, physical and spiritual all at once, and it's almost unendurable, as if something inside is on the verge of breaking. If it does break, it's going to break into a million tiny pieces and _maybe_, maybe he'll never be able to put it back together again. Maybe he won't even want to, because everything will be different and the pieces won't fit in the same places anymore.

He wants to reach out to Goku somehow, to take back those years he spent in the cave, but he doesn't even know where to begin, and… he is _afraid._ He doesn't know if he can ever let Goku know what he now so desperately wants him to know.

'_I never meant to leave you, Goku. I'm sorry.'_

So Sanzo sits at the table, chain-smoking and hiding behind a newspaper he has no intention of reading, while lost in a flood of agony that threatens to burst his heart apart at the core. He must hold it back, must contain himself and remain in control in order to find out what other information he can recover. He can't let this overwhelm him now, or he won't be able to continue, and he absolutely _must_ continue. Now that he's come this far, the desire to know everything is too great to resist.

Unaware of the emotional turmoil taking place across the room, Goku is just sitting lazily on the bed, quietly pretending to practice his writing skills while in actuality just doodling and wasting ink. He smiles lopsidedly, thinking how Sanzo always hates it when he wastes ink. Every now and then he looks up at his silent companion, wanting to say something, but thinks better of it and stifles the urge. He's about to put down his work, feeling bored, when a sudden stabbing thought makes him scribble ink all over his paper in a frenzy of frustration instead,

_'Why can't we just talk to each other like normal people? Hakkai and Gojyo talk. Why won't _Sanzo_ talk to _me_? Why won't he ever _listen_ to me?'_

He looks at the paper, and realizes with a start that he has filled the entire page with Sanzo's name, over and over again, and that he has just messed up all his efforts with his careless scribble. His face forms a pout of disapproval as he folds the page in half. A strange mixture of longing and disappointment overtake him then, and he flops backwards onto the bed with a sigh. In a moment, he gives up trying to keep quiet.

"Sanzo?"

There is a pause, and then a rustle of paper as Sanzo realizes that he's supposed to be turning pages periodically.

"What?"

"Can I… try your cigarette?"

Sanzo wasn't expecting this question, but at least the answer is an easy one.

"No."

"Come on, just one puff. Please?"

"Why?"

"I just wanna see why you like it so much, what it tastes like."

"It's a cigarette, of course it's going to taste like shit to you."

"But I wanna see for myself."

"I said no. If you really want to die of lung cancer so badly, then go get your own cigarettes."

"But I wanna share yours with you."

Sanzo isn't quite sure how to respond to this, so he keeps his mouth shut, the pain welling up inside again.

"Sanzo?"

After a moment with no response, Goku sighs again, and finds himself whispering a strange thought to himself.

"I just wanted to see what _you _taste like."

His eyes go wide, and he quickly checks to see whether Sanzo might have heard him. The monk remains silent behind his wall of paper.

"Sanzo?'

"What now?"

"Will you read me something from the paper?"

"No."

"Why _not_?"

Sanzo finds his next words falling automatically from his mouth, and it almost hurts to say them, but he can't stop himself.

"It's not worth my effort to read to a stupid monkey."

_Ouch._

Goku wonders why Sanzo's harsh words to him seem to hurt so much more recently than they ever used to.

"But… I just wanna listen to your voice."

Goku winces, his mind racing with a panicked thought.

_'Crap. That sounded _weird,_ didn't it? Why did I have to go and say it out loud? Hell, Goku, while you're at it, why don't you just ask him if you can _kiss _him too?'_

With a gasp of embarrassment, he promptly stuffs a pillow over his face.

_'Oh, man, where did _that_ thought come from? Maybe I've got heatstroke now too, or _something

A moment passes. To Sanzo, this moment feels more like an eternity, as he contemplates the significance of Goku's simple request. Alone for so long… Goku was outright denied that which he himself has always rejected. Comfort, companionship, _love._

_'I gave him freedom, and in turn he gave me… Is freedom alone enough to make up for _five hundred_ years? Can I_ ever _make it up to him?'_

Goku sighs again, but it comes out closer to a sob than anything else.

Ignored. Rejected. Left alone.

The silence in the room is so loud it makes Goku want to scream just to fill it.

Until…

Another rustle of paper, and then… Sanzo clears his throat… and begins to read.

Sanzo's beautiful voice fills Goku's ears, and as it does so, it also fills the deep void that was threatening to eat him alive only a moment ago, and the golden-eyed demon feels a smile light up his face, and a warmth flood his chest.

For the first time, Sanzo has listened to him, really _listened_ to him, and responded in kind.

_'Maybe,'_ thinks Goku, _'Maybe I should say these weird things out loud more often.'_


	4. Overflow

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 4**

**Overflow**

Three more days pass, and the weather in the village remains oppresively hot and heavy. Sanzo's sessions with the mystic continue relentlessly, twice each day, and have left him exhausted as a result. Each time seems to trigger a splitting headache along with the memories that it conjures up in his mind, memories that are more like haunting spirits that refuse to be ignored.

Most of his time awake is spent either staring off into space, hopelessly lost in images and thoughts of the distant past, or in meditation, when he manages to pull himself back to reality enough to concentrate on attempting to make sense of all this disjointed information his mind is receiving.

As for Goku, he's starting to worry that maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. But Sanzo is obviously determined, so what else can he do but stand by and watch, hoping that everything turns out all right and Sanzo eventually finds whatever it is that he seems to be seeking.

XXX

The evening of the third day, not long before Goku knows Sanzo will be going out to meet with the fortune-teller again, finds the two of them sitting in their room quietly, as has become the routine. Sanzo is sitting at the little table, Goku on the bed, their usual positions, when Goku's ears perk up at the sound of Sanzo's voice. Sanzo seems to be mumbling something to himself, but Goku can't quite make out the indistinct words.

"Sanzo?"

There is no response as the muttering continues, gradually becoming clearer as Sanzo seems to become more intent on what he is trying to say. Listening to Sanzo talking to himself in such a strange and uncharacteristic manner invokes an uncomfortably eerie feeling in Goku, and the words aren't making any kind of sense that he can fathom at all.

"No, no, no, it _wasn't_, it was _him_. _Konzen_, not Sanzo. I didn't have a choice. I would _never_…No! It wasn't me, it wasn't… NO!"

Goku flinches in alarm when Sanzo suddenly shouts out the last word before lapsing into silence once again, breathing heavily as though stressed.

Goku softly calls out to him from across the room, his voice pitched high with audible concern.

"Sanzo? You okay?"

When he still gets no response, he can't bring himself to just leave it at that. Getting up from the bed, he crosses the room until he stands just behind Sanzo's chair.

"Sanzo?"

At the sound of Goku's voice, Sanzo jumps and turns to him with a startled expression, as if he hadn't even been aware of Goku's approach. For a moment they just look into each other's eyes, each searching the other for answers to questions left unspoken. Then, Sanzo squints those brilliantly coloured eyes of his as if trying to see something that isn't clearly visible, and slowly raises one black-gloved arm. For a moment, Goku thinks he's going to be hit, but instead, Sanzo just grabs a hold of Goku's shirt, twisting the fabric in a tightly clenched fist.

The look that he has glued on Goku is so intent, so deep and searching, it makes Goku's head swim. Sanzo's lips begin to tremble slightly, as if he is trying to say something but can't quite make his mouth work enough to get the words out. After a moment, he seems to give up the effort,his face going blank and hard. The intensity of his eyes diminishes, although it doesn't vanish entirely. His grip on Goku's clothing loosens, and he gives Goku a slight push backwards and away, turning his head and averting his eyes from the baffled boy.

For a moment, all Goku does is stand there, troubled by uncertainty and concern. His heart skips a beat as he realizes what he is about to do, before tentatively reaching out and placing a hand upon Sanzo's shoulder. Beneath his touch, Sanzo's body tenses and pulls away reflexively, but not enough to disengage the contact.

Encouraged by the relative lack of anticipated negative response, Goku builds up his resolve and speaks.

"Sanzo, I know you don't wanna talk about it, but… is it really that bad? A fortune's supposed to tell the future, right? Whatever it is… even if it's bad, I'll still be here. You won't have to face it alone."

At his words, Sanzo just turns to look at him, andhis eyes are so absolutely _haunted _that it makes Goku's heart wrench in his chest.

"The future? Alone… No, no, _this_ is the future, Goku. And you were there, but I _wasn't_. I left you alone. I couldn't protect…_Shit_! I _can't_, fucking can't!"

Sanzo shakes his head furiously, blond hair tossing into his face like wisps of fair silk, and brings one fist crashing down onto the table with a frustrated bang.

Confused, Goku steps back, his hand dislodged from its place on Sanzo's shoulder. He can only stare at his saviour as a bewildered witness to his internal struggle.

Internal struggle. Yes, Sanzo is waging a war with himself, wanting to _explain_ to Goku, explain everything, that he hadn't meant to abandon him, that that was the last thing he ever wanted to happen, and, most importantly, that he is _so sorry_, but no matter how hard he tries to force the words out, they simply refuse to come. Through it all, Goku is still just standing there with that innocent look on his face, with those huge, shiny eyes, so full of care, and suddenly he just can't take it any more. This is just too much, too soon. What Sanzo needs is for Goku to get out of his face, not to confront him about this right now.

He's not _ready_ for this yet.

So, with a few deep breaths, he manages to get a shaky grip on his emotions, steeling himself for what he must do.

"Goku. You're… bothering me. Go to bed."

"Sanzo?"

"I said _leave me alone_. Can't you listen when you're told what to do?"

Swallowing a sick feeling of disappointment and dismay, Goku turns and walks to the bed, feeling like a lump of bruised clay beneath Sanzo's harsh refusal to accept any kind of reassurance from him.

Goku has his own makeshift bed set up on the floor, but since they've been sharing this little room the last few strange days, it has somehow ended up not being used beyond the first day. Sanzo has neither the energy or the heart to fight or argue about sleeping arrangements, and, much to Goku's shock, has simply given up on trying to kick him out of the bed at night.

To Goku, pretending like he wants to steal the bed is just a matter of course. He never even seriously considered for one split second that Sanzo wouldn't be the one to get it. But last night,Goku had wound up unexpectedly lying with Sanzo next to him, although Sanzo hadn't ventured to share the space beneath the cover. He had come home after his evening session and just passed out without so much as a word shared between them. Of course, this new arrangement is fine with Goku, better than fine. In fact, all day has found Goku looking forward to a repeat of last night, when he had lain awake, filled with wonder as he gazed at the other man's sleeping face,enjoying his close proximity and the rare chance to just admire him to his heart's content.

Now, with a last streak of stubbornness born from a desperate desire to hold onto something that he has gained, he refuses the voice in his mind that tells him to retreat to his original place on the floor, and resolutely, if a little hesitantly, takes his place in the bed. Sanzo voices no objection, and he is thankful for that tiny blessing.

To Goku, it feels over these past few days as if something specialis taking place. Hehas actually started to feel closer to Sanzo than he ever has before, in a way that he doesn't even know how to describe, except that it feels nice. It feels _right_. Now, however, he can't help wondering if maybe Sanzo doesn't think it feels so nice As he lies here, buried under the cover, he wonders if maybe Sanzo thinks it's _wrong._

Eventually, just as the lump inGoku's throat is becoming so large and uncomfortable that he feels he might choke, Sanzo stirs from his place and gathers himself to leave for his meeting with the lady in green.

As the door clicks shut behind his escaping form, Goku finally lets go of the deep sigh he has been keeping in his throat, and sucks in a long, shaky breath of miserable air.

XXX

She is so close now, so very close to what she seeks. This has turned out to be much more difficult than she ever imagined it would be, but the end is finally drawing near. And her subject is so intent on receiving the knowledge, that it has become easier to gain access to his mind.Sanzo is gradually surrendering his will, submitting to the process, which is in itself not an easy thing for him to do.

Although she is so weary now, after these several attempts,still she stretches her abilities to the limit once again, reaching deep.

Right there, right…

_There._

Breakthrough!

She has managed to establish a direct link with the past life!

A rush of exhilaration washes over her as she realizes that her efforts have finally been successful.

At the same moment, Sanzo suddenly fully awakens to the past.

He _remembers _everything now.

He can even see Tenpou and Kenren, and he _knows _who they are. Everything is clear, in agonizing detail. Heart stopping, soul wrenching, _excruciatingly _painful detail.

A scream shreds through his throat, as his body arches up in a futile attempt to escape from the bonds of truth. Then, he goes still and blank, as his mind, overloaded by this torturous assault of knowledge, drops into unconsciousness.

On the verge of collapse herself, the green mystic suddenly begins to fret. Yes, she has found the key she was searching for, the one that will open the door to Sanzo's soul, and allow his control to be lost from within, allow him to be destroyed according to Lady Gyokumen Koushu's wishes. This is all that she had been told to do, nothing more. The rest, she has been told, is not up to her. It is _beyond_ her.

But what, then, is to happen next?

Her heart pounding violently in her chest, she begins to feel her flesh crawl and tingle with an unearthly sensation of dread. She watches, in ominous bewilderment, as a small trickle of blood begins to flow from the afflicted priest's nose. At the same instant, a red drop falls from her own nostril onto the back of her hand.

It's getting harder to breath now, and her breath comes in small hiccupped gasps. She can only stare in morbid fascination as Sanzo's body begins to tremor ever so slightly.

As the truth behind what is happening begins to dawn on her, her eyes grow wide in horror. She tries to scream, but cannot find enough breath to do so. She starts to crawl towards the door, knowing it will do her no good, that she cannot escape, and then, with a long, gargled gasp, she collapses onto the floor, and moves no more.

Simultaneously, the trembling of Sanzo's body ceases, and he goes absolutely still.

A silence hung heavy with suspense permeates throughout the room.

A gasp of breath, and amethyst eyes snap open. A small smile touches Sanzo's lips. Slowly, carefully, he stands, straightens out his robes, wipes the blood from his face with the back of his hand, and walks to the door. As for the woman lying on the floor, he passes her by without so much as a glance.

A storm is approaching in the night as he steps out into the street. Thunder cracks in the distance, promising a downpour to come. Sanzo pauses to stretch his muscles and light a cigarette, and to see him now, you would think him not at all concerned about the prospect of rain.

XXX

Goku is asleep when Sanzo returns to the room, curled forlornly under the cover, wrapped in his unhappy slumber.

Sanzo approaches the bed and stops, head cocked curiously to one side. He stands for some time observing Goku as he sleeps, almost as if he is seeing something about the boy that he has never noticed until now. Eventually, a satisfied smile crosses Sanzo's features, and he steps closer.

Goku is breathing evenly, one hand clutching the pillow in a loose grip. Sanzo tenderly brushes Goku's soft brown locks back to fully expose his sleeping face. He lets his fingers trace over the gold band around the demon's head, and trail lightly down one cheek to brush against his lips.

Then, quickly, mercilessly, he yanks the cover off of Goku's body and roughly pulls him onto the floor, kicking him aside with one booted foot.

Rudely awakened, Goku stares up at Sanzo confusedly from the floor.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo's words, when he speaks, make Goku want to choke.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you that animals belong on the floor? Honestly, you _disappoint_ me so, Goku."

Strangely, it is not so much the words themselves, but the _way _in which they are spoken, that strike at Goku's heart. The tone of voice is so casual, so relaxed, so without any trace of anger that it sends a chill up Goku's spine.

And then Sanzo laughs, and the sound is low and rich and utterly cruel.

Goku feels he might die, right here on the hard floor at Sanzo's feet, for he has always longed to hear Sanzo laugh. Always, but not like this, not like _this._

He can only remain lying where he has been kicked to, listening as Sanzo prepares himself for bed, waiting for him to fall asleep so he can start breathing normally again.

Thunder sounds distantly, and it relaxes Goku a little. Perhaps it's just the effects of the approaching storm and theanticipation of rain that has Sanzo so upset. Perhaps that's all it is.

But oh, it can't be just the rain. The session must have gone very badly tonight. Perhaps Sanzo has found out something terrible. What if he's in some kind of trouble? Tomorrow, resolves Goku, he will find out what it is, so that he can help his sun toovercome it.

Sleep does not return quickly, and truthfully, Goku almost doesn't want to fall asleep, because he doesn't want the morning to come, afraid of what kind of ugliness its light may reveal.

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. Short Circuit

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 5**

**Short Circuit**

The new day is fresh from the night's rain, the heat wave having finally been washed away in its wake. The burning sun remains, but at least the suffering intensity of its rays have diminished, and some welcome relief has been obtained.

Sanzo throws open the curtains with gusto, letting in the light and warmth of the sun to fill the room. The sunshine drenches across the floor to strike upon Goku where he lays still asleep, glittering off of the power-limiter he is forced to wear and bathing his face with its glow.

Sanzo turns from the window and leans against the windowsill, lazily regarding the sleeping shape. A deep sleeper, Goku has not yet stirred since Sanzo has been up and moving about the room. Sanzo runs his fingers through his hair, and then uses his hands to push off from the wall where he leans, stepping quickly over to crouch at Goku's side.

After a moment's contemplation, the corners of his eyes crinkle in amusement, and he blows softly onto Goku's face. At the lack of response, Sanzo bounces slightly on his toes, tapping his fingers on his knee. Then impatience gives way to a mischievous glint in his eyes and a small smirk twitches across his lips.

Dropping to his knees and leaning in close, he blows directly into Goku's ear, and then draws back a little, still leaning over the other as he waits for the reaction. Goku makes a small muffled noise and cracks open his eyes.

"Morning."

At the sound of Sanzo's voice, he forces his sleepy eyes apart all the way, and then starts as he becomes aware of Sanzo's face hovering over his own.

"Sanzo?"

"Time to rise and shine, Goku."

Goku allows himself a moment to squint up into Sanzo's eyes, still dazed from sleep. Then Sanzo abruptly stands, taking his shadow with him and leaving Goku's eyes no longer shielded from the sun. He blinks and sits up.

"Goku, what are you doing on the floor, might I ask?"

"Huh? You… didn't you tell me to get off the bed last night?"

He suddenly feels chilly despite the warmth of the room as he remembers Sanzo's previous cold treatment towards him.

"You really took that seriously, did you? I was only teasing with my silly little monkey. You should know that by now."

Goku frowns. What the heck did Sanzo just say? Swallowing his hesitation, he decides to ask his question.

"Sanzo, are you…is everything all right? Did something bad come up at the reading last night?"

Sanzo chuckles slightly.

"Everything's fine, Goku. In fact, that was the last session. I finally have my answers, and everything is so _clear _now, it feels… so _liberating_."

"Sanzo? Are you sure…"

Before Goku can finish his sentence, Sanzo squats down behind him and places a hand gently over his lips, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

"Shhh..."

Goku shivers as a pleasant tingling sensation travels through his body. Sanzo's breath is warm against the skin of his neck as the softly whispered words continue.

"Goku, I have something to tell you, but it's a secret. Hakkai and Gojyo don't even need to know. I know you don't like secrets, but this is important. It's just between you and I. Can you keep my secret safe for me, Goku?"

Goku nods his head, feeling quite overwhelmed.

"That's what I wanted to hear, Goku. Now, go eat your breakfast, and we'll talk about it later, Okay?"

Goku nods again, and Sanzo lets his hand slip slowly from it's position over Goku's mouth, and stands, moving to the table to retrieve his smokes.

Dazed, confused and blushing profusely, Goku stands groggily and makes his way out to the kitchen. Pausing at the door, he turns back to watch as Sanzo lights up his cigarette, and frowns.

Sanzo looks so uncharacteristically relaxed this morning. Plus, there's something weird about his appearance. He has the sutra draped over his shoulders, but minus the robe. All he's wearing are his jeans with the black top and gloves. Goku notes also that Sanzo has tied his hair back into a small ponytail, and simply tucked his gun casually down the back of his pants.

It's been hard enough sometimes lately not to stare at Sanzo, but now, Goku has to shake his head and force himself to look away before he melts on the spot. Attempting to distract himself with thoughts of food, he continues on to go and have his breakfast.

XXX

The afternoon finds the two of them meandering the streets, as Sanzo leads them on an apparently aimless path through the village.They spend some time wandering through the market, buying lunch, cigarettes, good luck charms (because Sanzo says he thinks it's funny) and, to Goku's puzzlement, a little pocket knife that seems to catch Sanzo's fancy.

Eventually, Sanzo stops in front of a small building, and Goku recognizes it as the fortune-teller's shop.

"Hey, Sanzo, I though you said… "

"Relax, Goku. I just have to pick something up, and then we're done here. Why don't you wait outside? I'll just be a minute."

After a few minutes of waiting, however, Goku grows bored and peers in through the door to see what the hold up is. To his surprise, Sanzo seems to be searching for something, as he busily goes through the assortment of herbs and strange concoctions in the shop. He takes a whiff of each one and examines various items, before finally seeming to locate what he's after, stuffing it into the bag with the cigarettes. When he emerges from the shop, he briefly puts his arm around Goku's shoulders, before brushing his hand across the boy's back as he draws away.

"Goku, let's go."

"Sanzo, is it okay for you just to take stuff?"

Sanzo gives him a sharp look.

"I thought I told you to wait outside. What were you doing spying on my business?"

"Ahh… I…"

Sanzo sighs.

"Never mind. It's a parting gift. She said I could choose whichever incense I want."

"Oh."

"Cheer up, Goku. Do you want me to buy you something else to eat?"

"Okay. I am pretty hungry."

"Of course you are. And afterwards, we can talk about that little secret I mentioned earlier."

Goku blushes again, remembering the incident from this morning, and tags along behind Sanzo as they leave the fortune-teller's shop behind.

XXX

Back in the room at their host's house, Sanzo carefully shuts the door and draws the curtains, before sitting at the table and indicating for Goku to take the other seat.

Goku sits, waiting nervously while Sanzo flicks on his lighter and ignites the end of yet another cigarette. After a couple of suspenseful drags, he finally turns his attention on his companion.

"Goku. I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that we are definitely in the wrong line of work. Religion doesn't suit me, never did, never will. I know some regretful things happened in the past, but it's time to get over it and move on."

Sanzo pauses for another leisurely breath of smoke as Goku stares at him from across the table.

"Humans and demons, their time for harmonious living is over. Hmph. As if humans ever fully accepted demons as equals to begin with. You and I, on the other hand, we've got a _connection._ Together, we can do anything."

He fixes his eyes on Goku, his entire demeanour an odd display of casual intensity.

"I say, fuck the gods and their holy mission. If Kougaiji wants to revive Gyuumaoh, then good for him. What concern is it of ours?"

By now, Goku is gaping so hard, one would think his eyes are about to fall out of their sockets. Sanzo seems not to notice as he continues.

"Course, he needs my scripture to do it. That's the catch. By ordering Genjo Sanzo on this mission, the gods are sending the weapon of destruction right into the enemy's hands, putting faith in us to do the job right and not let that happen. And if I do nothing, Kougaiji comes after me for it anyway."

There is another pause as Sanzo makes use of the ashtray.

"So, I say, we go west, we hand over the scripture, and then we simply sit back and watch the fireworks. Game over."

There is a small, strangled sound of shock from Goku, and his eyes widen even more at Sanzo's next sentence.

"Oh, I'm being rude, aren't I? I forgot to offer you a cigarette."

Goku blinks, and Sanzo shrugs.

"Suit yourself. "

Goku leans back in his chair, utterly speechless, as Sanzo's unbelievable words continue.

"As for Hakkai and Gojyo, I can see them having a little problem with all this. So we don't tell them our plans. They think we're going west to fight? So let them fight."

He shrugs again, and leans forward in his chair.

"Now, you might be thinking, why not just hand over the scripture now and get it over with? Well, that's just not my style. Genjo Sanzo does not surrender anything, unless it's in my own special way."

He narrows his eyes at Goku.

"The gods can take their precious scripture and rot in hell. I serve no one but myself. Free of everything, not bound by anything, only live your life just as it is."

"S… Sanzo?"

"Are you with me, Goku? Can you still see the light?"

"Sanzo…"

"Shhh. Remember, this is a secret between you and I. We'll meet with Hakkai and Gojyo in the morning, but breath a word of this to either of them, or to anyone, and you might find yourself lost in the dark, with no more sun to light your way. I don't want that to happen, Goku, do you?"

XXX

Night arrives with nothing more being said regarding Sanzo's revelation to Goku. Goku does not known what _to_ say. He's still in shock, with absolutely no idea what to think.

Emotionally exhausted, Goku prepares himself for bed. Just as he's wondering rather confusedly if he should use the bed or the floor, Sanzo suddenly puts out the light in the room, gazing at Goku intently in the dark, his cigarette burning with a fiery orange glow and casting an eerie light upon his face. His voice, when he speaks, is all black velvet, and it wraps around Goku like an alluring caress.

"Your eyes, the way they shine in the dark. You _electrify _me."

Goku watches, fascinated, as Sanzo discards his cigarette and begins to approach, like a shadow on the move, or a feline stalking it's prey. His heart pounds as Sanzo closes the distance between them.

Soon, Sanzo is directly in front of him, and still he doesn't stop. He keeps moving forward, forcing Goku to back away. This continues, like a slow dance in the dark, until Goku feels his back come up against the wall, and he catches his breath in surprise.

Sanzo does not stop his advance even now, and as he proceeds to press his slender body against Goku's smaller, more compact form, the unexpected pyhsical contact makes Goku gasp again.

When Sanzo gracefully bends his incredibly pale, supple neck to dip his head and nuzzle Goku delicately on the throat, slipping one hand onto the back of Goku's own neck as he does so, Goku forgets to breath at all. The nuzzling becomes a kiss, and Goku forgets _how _to breath, period. When the kiss progresses to gentle nibbling and sucking, hell, Goku forgets his own _name. _That is, until Sanzo whispers it into his ear before teasing the earlobe by nipping it lightly. At this, Goku finally releases his breath with a faint sound that can only be called a moan.

In response, Sanzo pulls away, trapping Goku within smoldering violet eyes. One mesmerizing moment of expectant wonder, and then…

Sanzo's lips are upon Goku's, and Goku moans into his mouth and revels in the sweet tongue that finds his own.

Warmth becomes heat. Confusion becomes surrender. Nothing exists beyond this moment, this touch...

This perfect ecstasy.

Sanzo shifts his body slightly, pressing in closer, and our favourite monkey king seriously thinks he might have died and gone straight to Heaven.

Suddenly, the taste of blood invades Goku's senses, and, alarmed, he disengages the contact.

Annoyed, Sanzo tightens his hold on the back of Goku's neck in frustration and attempts to reinitiate the kiss, but before he can recapture those fugitive lips, Goku has noticed the source of the unwelcome interruption.

"Sanzo, your nose, it's bleeding."

Sanzo looks startled, and then his eyes cloud over. He touches his face in disbelief, and stares at the blood that comes away on his fingers.

"_Shit_."

Quickly, he goes to the table, turns on the light, and begins digging in his things for something, finally pulling out the packet he had taken from the mystic's shop.

With haste, he sets the incense burning, and goes to the bathroom to clean up the blood.

As soon as Sanzo is out of sight, Goku slumps against the wall, his skin flushed and his senses still buzzing with confusion and excitement. In a daze, he goes and throws himself onto the bed.

When Sanzo reappears, his mood is obviously not a good one, and Goku thinks it wise to leave him undisturbed, pretending to be asleep. In truth, his heart almost has a panic attack when Sanzo takes the place next to him on the bed. However, the blond simply rolls onto his side, facing away from Goku, and soon falls sound asleep. It is quite some time before Goku manages to follows suit.

XXX

Some time later, Goku finds himself awakening in the middle of the night. He lies still for a moment, listening. Something feels off, and it disturbs him. Turning his head, he notices Sanzo isn't next to him. He scans the room, which turns out to be empty. Then it hits him. Blood. He can smell blood, Sanzo's blood.

He frowns, thinking that Sanzo must be having another nosebleed. Concerned and unsettled, he gets up to look for his companion, going to check the bathroom. Sanzo is in there all right, but it's not just a nosebleed that Goku smells.

Sanzo seems not to notice Goku, and appears quite occupied with his activity. In his hand, he holds the little knife that he had purchased earlier, and he is busily in the process of cutting into the flesh of his own forearm.

Goku is about to call out, and then pauses in sudden alarm. Sanzo is not just randomly cutting away; he's actually carving something into his skin, a word.

S I N

Again, Goku starts to go forward to intervene, when suddenly Sanzo throws back his head with a hiss of pleasure, and starts to laugh.

It is a delirious, hysterical, pointless kind of laughter, one that just goes on and on even as it seems to steal his breath, and Goku becomes afraid. He is afraid as he watches Sanzo drop the knife in a puddle of blood and laugh himself senseless on the bathroom floor. He finds himself unable to make his presence known, and flees back to the bed.

Diving onto the mattress, Goku pulls the covers over his head, shaking with distress until sleep finally overtakes him.

TO BE CONTINUED


	6. Dark Light

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 6**

**Dark Light**

In the moment before awakening, caught somewhere in that hazy realm that is not quite sleep, Goku sighs and snuggles against the pillow he holds in his arms. Slowly, his eyes blink open, and he greets the new day feeling not only sleepy but vaguely uneasy, as if he had been having a bad dream and has since forgotten what it was about.

He squeezes his eyes shut and yawns, and when he reopens them, their focus falls on a smear of red staining the sheets on the other side of the bed. In a sudden, sickening rush, the memory of the scene from last night comes back to him, and his stomach turns. Quickly, he sits up in bed. Sanzo is already up, in the process of gathering together his things, and Goku can't help but notice the blood stained towel he has wrapped around his arm.

Goku's awakening attracts Sanzo's attention, and he turns to look over at the bed. Seeing its occupant sitting there staring at him, he picks up his boots and approaches, sitting down on the edge of the bed to put them on.

"Morning, Goku. Sleep well?"

All Goku can do is stare numbly at Sanzo's arm, with the bloody cloth serving as cold, hard evidence that what he had seen last night definitely was _not_ a dream. He wants to ask Sanzo about it, ask him what he was thinking, what in the world he was doing, and _why, why, why_? But so taken aback is he that he's unable even to phrase his thoughts, and he hesitates to try, as if by remaining silent he can somehow pretend that what he had seen had never happened. It just feels so surreal, so like the bad dream it should have been.

Sanzo pauses in tying his laces to peer into Goku's eyes.

"Hey, little monkey, are you ignoring me today? Can't say good morning? What, cat got your tongue? Funny, I don't recall having stolen it from you last night, I thought I just borrowed it for a while."

He gives Goku a playful tap on the leg and a brief, teasing smile, but all traces of amusement fade when he notices that Goku's gaze is fixed on his arm.

"Hey, don't worry about this, it's nothing serious. I'll take care of it. You, go eat, get yourself ready, then we'll go meet Hakkai and Gojyo and get out of this joint. Oh, and, Goku, remember our little talk. Not a word."

He reaches out and tilts Goku's face up by the chin, locking eyes with the boy. Solemnly, he places a finger to his own lips in a gesture of silence.

XXX

With Goku away at breakfast, Sanzo takes the time to clean up the wounds on his arm, and, not having any bandages on hand, simply places his glove on directly over top of the cuts. His face is a complete mask of indifference throughout this entire procedure, as if it were something one does every day.

While standing in the bathroom, he turns to look at his reflection in the mirror, staring coldly into his own eyes as if challenging himself to make something of the situation, almost as if facing an opponent. His fists clench tightly, and a small trickle of blood starts to drain from one nostril. He thrusts out his chin in defiance, holding his gaze steady on the eyes in the mirror. A few seconds pass, and then the other side begins to dispel a crimson rivulet as well. Sanzo makes a sound as if he's going to be sick, curses, and turns swiftly on his heel.

XXX

When Goku reenters the room, his hunger temporarily satisfied, it is to find Sanzo sitting at the table, holding a blood-spotted towel to his nose and focused absent-mindedly on the little dish of incense burning in front of him.

Goku can't help wondering why Sanzo seems to like the smell of the stuff so much, since he personally can't see the appeal. But then again, he can't see what Sanzo sees in cigarettes, either, so he figures maybe it's just him. Right now, however, the incense is the least of his concerns regarding Sanzo.

Ever since he went to see that fortune-teller, Sanzo's he's been acting _weird,_ to say the least, and it's more than just a little bit _scary_. While the sessions were ongoing, he'd seemed mostly just depressed and tired, but now that they're over, it's different. Could it really be that she helped him come to a new way of thinking? Sanzo's whole attitude has changed, and he's more relaxed, too, but somehow… Goku can't help feeling, a little apprehensively, that it's like the calm before a storm.

XXX

As Hakkai and Gojyo each greet him in their own familiar way, Goku realizes how good it feels to see them again, and that his time spent with Sanzo must have been more of a strain on him than he thought. At the same time, he can't help feeling a little sorry that it has come to an end so soon. It had felt like they'd been building on their relationship, even working towards a change of some kind. But now that they are headed back to the old routine, Goku feels a sinking disappointment at the thought that things might just go back to the way they were before.

Hakkai and Gojyo are in good spirits and glad to be reunited as well, after having to spend so much time doing nothing but wait around in this small, simple village.

Throughout the cheerful greeting, Sanzo stands quietly off to one side, observing Goku. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other and fusses absently for a moment with his attire. He has decided to wear the robe, if only for the space to stash his belongings that it provides. The idea of being recognized as a Sanzo priest displeases him. The idea of conforming to the dress code of a Sanzo displeases him even more. Automatically, his eyes once again seek out Goku, and the sight is somehow a gratifying one.

When the demonic trio turns its attention his way, he crosses his arms and feigns disinterest.

"Long time no see, monk. But it's about time, man, this village has got to be _the_ most law-abiding, anti-fun place on earth!"

Hakkai laughs.

"It has been rather a relaxing stop, I will agree! So Sanzo, I trust everything has been fine with you while we've been enjoying ourselves here?"

"Hmm. Couldn't be better. Now… "

Abruptly, he stifles his words. In the next second, a wickedly defiant grin reveals a glint of teeth, and he gleefully grinds out the lit end of his cigarette into his palm.

Everybody winces in response to this unexpected action.

Sanzo is the first to speak.

"So, what are we waiting for? I can already hear the relentless call of the western horizon."

He is about to turn, when he hesitates and takes a moment to look the other three over appreciatively, issuing forth a low sound that could almost be called a purr of approval.

As his scrutinizing gaze passes over each of them, they all respond in turn, Hakkai with a smile, Gojyo with a raise of the eyebrows, and, in Goku's case, with a blush. No one is prepared for what comes out of Sanzo's mouth next.

"We have got to be _the_ sexiest bunch of bad ass boys in all of _Shangri-La_. Why in holy shit's name are we hanging out in a dump like this? Let's go!"

Whipping out his gun, he uses it to point westward with a flourish, then gives the trusty weapon a kiss and tucks it away.

Everybody is just standing there staring at him, without so much as twitching a muscle, except in the case of Gojyo's dropped jaw. When Sanzo realizes that no one is following him, he turns around, places a hand on his hip enticingly and looks the three over again.

"Are you just going to stand there all day looking moronic, or are you going to make yourselves useful and come along now?"

Hakkai stirs himself, and the others follow close behind.

"Right, Sanzo, here we go!"

Three sets of eyes are glued to Sanzo's back as his companions follow in his wake. Each is caught up in his own thoughts and opinions concerning Sanzo's unexpected display of odd behaviour.

In Hakkai's case, the human-turned-demon's thoughts take on a serious and contemplative note. He had been hoping that Sanzo would be able to sort out whatever it was that was bothering him during their stay here in the village, but now… that seems not to be the case, and, faced with Sanzo's uncharacteristic attitude now, Hakkai is left even more baffled than ever.

Meanwhile, Gojyo's perverted mind is taking a different train of thought. He can't help but notice the way Sanzo is walking, as if all that pent up tension has been abandoned, leaving nothing but the hidden slink he always knew had to be there. Gojyo just can't help being interested, as he has been ever since he first laid eyes on the breathtaking young priest. But Sanzo has proven to be nearly unapproachable and one-hundred percent untouchable, like liquid nitrogen or a volatile explosive. As a result, that forbidden aspect of Sanzo just makes him all the more desirable. Gojyo is the first to admit, at times Sanzo can be one fucked-up bastard, but he'll be damned if he isn't one undeniably _sexy _fucked-up bastard.

For Goku, the whole situation is a mixed-up mess of confusion. He keeps thinking about the secret Sanzo had entrusted with him, and he wants to tell himself that Sanzo was just joking, except that Sanzo doesn't joke around like that. He was being deadly _serious. _Goku knows this, and the implications are scary. He has half a mind to go back to the fortuneteller and demand to know just what she told Sanzo. But it's too late for that now. At least the journey won't be ending anytime soon, so he has some time to try to sort things out, maybe talk to Sanzo again. Maybe try to change his mind. Meanwhile, he feels guilty, too, because in a way Sanzo has just turned against Gojyo and Hakkai, and expects Goku to follow along. Can he really _not_ tell them what Sanzo has planned?

XXX

The trip resumes quietly enough, but everyone is well-rested and glad to leave the town behind, and it isn't long before Gojyo is up to his old tricks. He starts teasing Goku until he earns a response, which he knows will most likely also trigger a reaction from Sanzo, and the usual from Hakkai, and _bingo_, they'll be back in business!

The monkey joke technique eventually works on Goku, but it seems to take considerably more effort than usual to work Goku up to making something out of it, as if he's seriously distracted. This makes Gojyo curious again as to just what's going on in their little group. Sanzo, on the other hand, may as well be deaf for all the interest he shows in their back-seat antics.

After several such episodes, Sanzo finally turns to Hakkai and makes a calm command.

"Hakkai, stop the jeep, right now."

Hakkai complies, bringing Hakuryu to a standstill and shutting off the engine. All eyes are glued to Sanzo expectantly, as he turns towards the passengers in the back. Casually, with a clear no-nonsense expression stamped on his face, he aims the muzzle of the banishing gun at Gojyo's head.

"Gojyo, apologize to Goku. I think he's put up with enough of your bullshit."

No one speaks. A mild gust of breeze picks up and nips playfully at the suddenly solemn foursome.

All at once, three demon mouths open to either question, comment or complain, but before they can get a single word out, Sanzo holds up his hand, effectively silencing them again.

"Hakkai, Goku, stay out of this. I want an apology from the cockroach, you two needn't involve yourselves."

Gojyo's mind is reeling. _What the heck is this?_

"Hey, Sanzo, look, Goku and I were just…"

Sanzo increases pressure on the trigger.

"Don't bother telling _me._ I want you to look at Goku, and tell him that you're sorry. I don't have the patience to wait all day."

Gojyo looks into Sanzo's eyes for a moment, incredulous, and then, leaving a small sneer with the psychotic monk, he turns to Goku.

"Fine, Mr. High and Mighty, as you wish. Goku, I'm sorry for arguing with you and laughing at you. Apology accepted?"

"Uh, yeah?"

Seemingly satisfied with this exchange, Sanzo turns back around in his seat, making the gun do its disappearing act, and the trip resumes its course.

XXX

This odd event has served to effectively dampen the mood in the jeep, and even Gojyo is quiet, now, not wanting a repeat performance of _that._

Hakkai, glancing from the corner of his eye at Sanzo, notices a drop of blood running down Sanzo's lip, and does a double take. He wordlessly offers the priest a tissue, indicating his own nose as a hint. Sanzo just looks at him with an expression of alarm, and then snatches the tissue and brings it to his face. Glancing at him again, Hakkai notices for the first time that there seems to be a dark stain under the arm of Sanzo's left glove. By the look of it, it appears to be blood.

It isn't long before Sanzo calls another stop for a break. Exiting the jeep and going off on his own, the first thing he does is light for himself some of his special incense.

The others eye him from a distance, but do not approach. Hakkai takes Goku aside.

"Goku, did something happen in the village to upset Sanzo? Or do you know why he wanted to stop there in the first place? Has he said anything at all to you about anything unusual?"

Goku looks at the ground, up at the sky, anywhere other than at Hakkai. Although uneasy, reluctant, and unsure of what he should say, guilty concern almost makes him want to spill everything. But then… he finds himself gazing over at Sanzo where he sits, looking beautiful and maybe a little bit lost, and Goku feels a kind of defensiveness rising up to usurp the previous hesitation. He faces Hakkai at last.

"No. There's nothing unusual, Sanzo's just in a bad mood, I guess. About the village, there wasn't anything special there, either, just some fortune-teller who gave him a free reading. You shouldn't be such a worry wort, Hakkai, you'll get wrinkles."

Hakkai doesn't press him any further, letting Goku go off to have a snack. He takes a seat on the grass next to Gojyo, and the two exchange a glance.

"Gojyo, have you ever seen Sanzo have a nosebleed before?"

"No, why?"

"Well, he was having one on the road, just before we stopped. He didn't seem to take it very well. Another thing, he seems to be wounded. There's blood on his sleeve. I wonder what could have happened that they aren't telling us about? And why keep it from us?"

"Hakkai, what do you think's up with that stuff Sanzo's burning? It smells like crap. Besides, he doesn't usually bother with stuff like incense, especially not in the middle of the trip like this. And, what the _hell _was up with the whole _apologize to Goku _thing? It's enough to make me wanna pulverize the bastard monk."

"It is strange. We'll have to wait and see what comes of it, and, hopefully things will blow over."

Gojyo just snorts and turns his blood-red gaze away from the direction of the man in question.

XXX

Night arrives, and the group stops to set up camp. Nothing else out of the ordinary has happened, besides the uncommunicativeness shared between them, and a lot of suspicious glances being cast about from one to the other.

When Sanzo goes off to the stream nearby, Gojyo contemplates for a while, and then makes up his mind to take the risk of speaking with him. He stands and follows in the other's footsteps down to the stream.

Sanzo is kneeling down by the water, having removed his gloves, and seems to be in the process of washing them. Remembering Hakkai's earlier words, Gojyo checks out Sanzo's arm for signs of injury as he approaches stealthily from behind.

What he sees takes him by surprise.

"Shit, Sanzo. What happened to your arm? "

Sanzo turns, annoyed and startled at first, and then apparently settling into boredom.

"This? I guess you could say I decorated it. "

"You mean… you... you did that to _yourself_?"

"It's not your concern."

Gojyo shakes his head, feeling a little sick at the sight of the word carved into Sanzo's skin, at the thought of Sanzo _intentionally_ taking a knife to his own flesh, and he finds he can't tear his eyes away from the morbid sight. He can't quite even place the various feelings that tumble through him now.

Concern? Anger? Revulsion? Something else?

"Man, Sanzo, _why_?"

"I said it's none of your concern."

"I wish it wasn't, but I'll be damned if… if I'll let a friend get away with something like this without a good explanation."

"For Buddha's sake, Gojyo, do you have to go getting all melodramatic on me? And who ever said anything about us being friends in the first place?"

Anger momentarily takes dominance.

"You are even more messed up than I though you were, you stuck-up freak. What's that little _decoration _supposed to mean, anyway?"

Sanzo regards him coolly for a moment, gauging the level of unchecked emotion raging in the half-breed's eyes. Then he stands, facing the taller man.

"In what way does what I choose to do with my body concern you?"

"It concerns me when you choose to _mutilate_ and hurt yourself."

"I didn't mind the pain."

"Then it's even worse than I thought. Sanzo…"

"Gojyo."

The way Sanzo says his name shuts Gojyo up. Why is Sanzo speaking so calmly, so casually, about such a serious matter? Where is Sanzo's pissy attitude? Where are the bullets? And what is with him cutting himself up like that and then acting as if it were _nothing_?

Sanzo steps up to Gojyo, challenging him with his eyes, engaging him in a silent face-off that Gojyo isn't even sure how to break. He is at a lose as to what he can possibly say in order to get through to Sanzo.

Sanzo cocks his head to the side, his expression dangerously unreadable, and proceeds to capture the front of Gojyo's shirt within one tightly clenched fist.

"I ask again. In what way does my body concern you?"

Sanzo's next move nearly kills Gojyo from shock.

He kisses him.

For a moment, Gojyo doesn't respond, so taken aback is he by this unexpected action. Then, something inside reacts, and he starts to return the demanding kiss that Sanzo has begun. In the next instant, he fully realizes what's happening, and another reaction is triggered.

Gojyo roughly pulls Sanzo in closer, and bites down hard on his lip. Sanzo responds with a growl of protest, and then promptly finds himself forced to the ground as Gojyo grabs him by the hair and twists his arm behind his back. Sanzo spits out a curse at his captor, struggling in his hold.

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing, huh, Sanzo? What is the _matter_ with you? You think you can just… just… that I'm just going to _forget_ about that nice little _decoration_ on your arm? You need some help, man. And if you won't accept it from us, then I don't know where you're gonna find it, because there isn't anyone else on earth who can tolerate your shit like we can, Sanzo. And _sometimes_, sometimes I wonder why we bother at all."

He shoves Sanzo to the ground and walks back to camp, nearly shaking with anger, not looking back to see the dark look in the stormy violet eyes that follow his retreat.


	7. This is My Fire, So Let Me Burn

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 7**

**This is My Fire,  
****So Let Me Burn**

The next morning, throughout the entire procedure of breakfast, packing up and climbing aboard Hakuryu, the tension between the four companions is so tight it's almost enough to be labeled a choking hazard.

Sanzo is silent and distant, as if totally oblivious to the presence of his companions, with the exception of Goku, whom he seems to be paying a little _too _much attention to, at least for Gojyo's liking.

Gojyo, himself cranky and glum, happens to be keeping a _very _watchful and suspicious eye on Sanzo's every move. As a result, he finds himself becoming quite uncomfortable with the way Sanzo is looking at Goku. As his surveillance continues, and he actually witnesses Sanzo _smile _at Goku, he is downright _disturbed._ Since when does Sanzo ever smile at Goku? Since when does Sanzo ever smile, period? It's not even a normal smile, as far as Gojyo is concerned, but some twisted Sanzo version of a smile gone bad. That's how _wrong_ it is.

What's worse is the effect it seems to have on Goku, who has been stealing glances in Sanzo's direction all morning. In response to that devilish smile, Goku's face had flushed beet red and he had suddenly seemed very nervous, maybe even upset. Gojyo's thoughts darken as he is forced to wonder just what Sanzo is up to.He doesn't even want to consider the possibility that Sanzo might be trying something weird with Goku, but he's not willing at this point to put anything past the priest.

In fact, of the four, Hakkai seems to be the only one who is at least willing to pretend that everything is okay. He speaks to everyone as he usually would, makes sure everything is in order, and does his best to keep things together in some semblance of normality. Thank goodness for Hakkai.

XXX

They drive steadily for several hours, eventually entering a sparsely forested area with a narrow track serving as a road. It seems like a nice area, quiet and green, and Hakkai slows the jeep somewhat just to give them all a chance to admire the soothing scenery and hopefully calm some obviously frayed nerves at least a little.

A bird flies over top of the moving vehicle, calling out shrilly, but no one pays it any heed. As they approach a turn in the road ahead, however, leading towards a more densely tree packed area, a scream suddenly pierces the air, and the occupants of the jeep go on full alert. Hakkai picks up the speed, heading straight towards the direction of the sound. Three sets of eyes, in green, red, and gold, stare intently ahead, waiting to see what will come into sight. Meanwhile, a pair of violet eyes take on a dark shine, seeming to fix themselves on some internal plane of existence, and then set sternly in a look that is as emotionless as stone.

Hakkai brings Hakuryu squealing to a stop as they round the bend and the situation at hand is finally revealed to them. There, on the road, is a horse and wagon, surrounded by approximately half a dozen demons. In a heartbeat, Hakkai and the others take in the full extent of the situation that faces them, and they are ready for a fight.

A human family is under attack. The man and the woman already lie dead and bloody on the side of the track. It is too late to help them, but the children can still be saved. There are two of them, a boy and a girl. The girl is currently the one screaming, as she is being yanked out of the wagon by a vicious, burly looking demon. The other child, the boy, is obviously injured, having fallen from the wagon and subsequently been trampled underfoot by the horse.

The demons pause in the middle of their gruesome activity upon the arrival of the jeep, but their alarm is quickly replaced by apparent nonchalant confidence and excitement. The burly one, most likely the leader, wastes no time in speaking out.

"Well, well, lookey what we have here. Looks like this is turning out to be our lucky day. Seems we get to ransack not one, but _two_ vehicles in one day! Now ain't that somethin' else?"

The entire troop bursts out into loud and mocking fit of laughter, obviously meant to be menacing, but falling miserably short as far as Goku and Gojyo are concerned.

The two share a quick look, and then smirk, turning keen and battle ready eyes upon their foes. Gojyo gives his head a toss, clearing his long hair from his face.

"Ah, I see the local hoodlums in these parts obviously haven't heard about our reputation. What do you say about giving them a little update, Goku, or on second thought, how about a full length lesson?"

"All right!"

Hakkai decides to get in on the action, as well.

"Now, now, teachers must exercise discipline, not violence! However, in this circumstance, I think a small exception might be in the agenda."

The demon gang seems somewhat taken aback by the bold front being presented to them, but they aren't about to back down. They begin to jeer and toss out mindless insults at the new arrivals, still feeling themselves to be in a superior advantage and not aware of the identity of their adversaries.

Sanzo takes this opportunity to stand up in the jeep. His clear and commanding voice cuts through the commotion to attract the attention of his comrades.

"This is no business of ours. Hakkai, take Hakuryu straight through. Use only what measures are necessary in order to make passage. Leave the rest. I say again, this is a waste of effort and is _not _our concern."

Not taking his eyes off of the demons, Gojyo responds to Sanzo in a disgusted tone of voice, indicating that he doesn't give a damn about Sanzo's opinion in this particular situation.

"This happens to concern anyone who is actually capable of _feeling_. Why don't you go play with your little knives, _Master_ Priest Sanzo, and we'll take care of the part that actually requires a _conscience_."

_Crack._

The little girl in the lead demon's clutches hangs limp in his arms, her neck having just been broken. He tosses her body to the side, freeing his hands to fight.

Without further delay, weapons are summoned forth, and Goku screams out a battle cry as he and Gojyo rush into action. Hakkai prepares a chi burst, letting it fly.

Sanzo watches the scene for a moment, his face blank. He touches a hand to his face beneath the nose, and checks his fingers for signs of blood. When they come away clean, a flicker of a frown crosses his forehead, and then his eyes widen. Slowly, a satisfied, corrupt smile steals upon his lips, and Sanzo begins to laugh. The sound is short and shaky, almost forced, as if in response to a situation that has turned out to be so bad, that one might as well laugh because one knows that otherwise, all that's left to do is cry. This is laughter that speaks of pure surrender to utter hopelessness, as much as it is an expression of pure relief finally obtained.

The laughter ceases as quickly as it had begun, and Sanzo levels his gun at his intended target with deadly intent

XXX

Goku notices Sanzo's movement in the jeep, and his heart lightens at the realization that Sanzo will lend them a hand in this after all. Of course he's not as cold hearted as Gojyo accuses him of being, of _course _not.

The gun is fired, and in the next instant, Goku's own heart freezes absolutely solid.

For Sanzo has just shot the little boy lying injured amidst the band of demons.

Sanzo's next words reach Goku's ears through a haze of shock.

"Now there's no more need to waste time here."

Disbelief, complete and totally unfathomable disbelief, nearly makes Goku forget that he is in the middle of battle. He screams, a blood curdling, throat-searing scream, and finishes off his opponents while barely even registering them in his mind.

The demons summarily destroyed, Goku, Hakkai and Gojyo are left standing by the wagon surrounded by corpses, encircled by a scene of bloodshed, carnage and death.

Gojyo's eyes are livid red pools of pure hellfire when he turns them from the little boy's corpse to Sanzo.

"What… did you… _do_?"

Standing in the jeep, gun still at the ready, Sanzo faces the other three in a moment of grim silence.

Goku is the one to speak next. When he does, it is only to say one word, a familiar name, in very unfamiliar circumstances. His voice is small and hoarse, almost pleading in tone.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo casts his eyes to Goku, and his coldly murderous gaze appears to soften as he does so, lingering upon Goku like a tender touch of comfort. His response is almost gentle, and seems to be directed at Goku alone.

"The child was seriously injured, possibly crippled for life. Possibly beyond saving."

Gojyo cuts in harshly, but is unable to complete his sentence, so overcome by outrage and disbelief is he.

"That doesn't give you the right to…"

A few heartbeats of unbroken silence, and Sanzo concludes his answer to Goku.

"The world does not need another orphan."

Gojyo is looking angrier by the second, while Hakkai's expression is terrifyingly blank and steady, focused intently on Sanzo. But as for Goku…

Goku looks at Sanzo, hears his words, sees the evidence of his actions, and still sees… _only Sanzo_. Not a psychopath, not a monster or a murderer, but only Sanzo. He looks at Sanzo and asks himself if what he sees is nothing but darkness, a black hole that gives off no light and no warmth, but that is _not_ the answer he finds.

Goku's eyes settle into a tranquil sea of liquid gold, and a feeling of peace and acceptance replaces all fear and doubt.

For in his eyes, Sanzo is still shining as brightly as the sun, with a light that draws him in like a beacon whose brilliance sets his very heart and soul on fire. Even now, Sanzo still holds the only light he needs, the only light he wants, and he _will_ follow it, even if the fire burns him alive in the process, even if it proves to be the very fire of hell. In his eyes, there is only his Sanzo, his sun, his always and everything.

And Sanzo needs him, now more than ever.

Goku closes his eyes, and a feeling of dreaded certainty washes over him like a tide of black night. Even if he were to go blind right at this moment, he would still know what is to happen next.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo are in agreement without even needing to share a single glance or a solitary word. Each man _knows _what the other is thinking, and that the thoughts are in accord with his own.

Sanzo needs to be restrained. He needs to have the gun removed from his possession. He needs to be _controlled._ He needs to be treated like the maniac he has surely become.

Hakkai knows his aim must be perfect, even when using the lowest energy intensity as possible, or risk taking Sanzo's arm away along with the weapon in his hand. But Hakkai is always precise, in everything that he does, and this should be no exception.

To Goku it seems as if everything is happening in slow motion, as Hakkai sends a chi attack in Sanzo's direction.

Sanzo senses the impending attack, and fires. The bullet streaks away from the barrel of the gun, and finds it's mark in Hakkai's chest, even at the same time as Sanzo's weapon is ripped from his hand by the force of the energy, and he is sent flying from the jeep.

Hakkai falls to the ground with a gasp of pain, but the gunshot has altered his perfect aim. Sanzo has been grazed in the side by the powerful blast.

Gojyo screams Hakkai's name, afraid for his friend, but he is not sure of the extent of Sanzo's injury, and must retrieve the gun. There is also his other reaction, the one that almost makes him angry with himself for thinking it at a time like this, but which still cannot be denied. This is the thought that tells him that he must put priority on Sanzo's safety above all else, and Gojyo cannot even begin to explain where this comes from, and so he does not even attempt to try. He merely reacts, moving towards Sanzo without hesitation.

Goku does not remain idle, and his reaction is based on instinct rather than on rational thought. At this point, he is _beyond_ rational thought.

Wielding his staff, he races to intercept Gojyo. His half-demon companion turns to meet his attack, but it is already too late, and the staff finds connection with Gojyo's body. In the moment before impact, Goku has a chance to glimpse the expression on Gojyo's face, and it strikes at that outer, rational part of him that has since shut itself down by necessity.

Gojyo's eyes speak of shock and betrayal, but they harbor no anger for Goku, or hatred, or even regret. What he sees in those red, red eyes is … _acceptance_. Simple acceptance.

Gojyo cries out as bones crunch and organs bruise, and he collapses to the ground in a gasping heap.

"Gojyo, I'm sorry, but..."

Gojyo gags and spits out a mouthful of blood, and through his pain-contorted features, he _smiles._

"Goku… remember what… you once said. 'What do I fight for? For myself… who else.' So, no hard feelings… kay? No matter what… happens…"

As Gojyo begins to struggle to stand, Goku leaves him and rushes to Sanzo's side.

XXX

Gojyo struggles to reach Hakkai, and finds to his relief that the green-eyed man, though injured, has not been banished by Sanzo's infamous gun. Hakkai needs help, as does he. Goku is running with a one-track mind at the moment, Gojyo realizes, and he knows that they can't count on him to see sense or reason. In fact, for a moment back there, Gojyo was almost sure that Goku was on the verge of going berserk. Thank all the gods in Heaven that _that, _at least, had not happened.

Gojyo drags Hakkai to Hakuryu, laying him in the back seat. He takes one more glance at Goku, now crouched by Sanzo's side, and then takes off in the jeep, intending to head back to the village and seek out a doctor's assistance.

At the sound of Hakuryu's engine, Goku raises his head and listens, but he does not turn to watch as his two friends drive off into the eastern horizon.

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. Embrace of the Stars

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 8**

**Embrace of the Stars  
(My Universe is Lying Right Beside Me)**

It's a good thing that the horse is an old, reliable one, so familiar with the task of pulling the wagon that Goku doesn't really have to do that much. Sure, he likes animals, but he's never had an actual horse under his care before, and trying to deal with a difficult animal isn't something he needs to worry about right now. It turned out well for them, in the end, that the small wagon was available and free for the taking, despite the circumstances.

Night has come, bringing with it a brilliantly patterned blanket of stars. Goku has tied the horse as best as he knows how, and the creature is quietly grazing nearby. He sits now in the back of the wagon, with an injured Sanzo lying at his side. Goku had searched the deceased family's belongings and luckily came across a first aid kit, which he has made use of in attempting to tend to Sanzo's injury.

The wound itself is fairly nasty looking, as far as Goku can tell. Hakkai's abilities are quite remarkable, but luckily the blast has only slightly grazed Sanzo on the side, so it doesn't seem life threateningly serious, or anything to that extent. He realizes thankfully that Hakkai must have toned down the level of his attack considerably in this instance.

Even so, the result is a large burn-like patch on Sanzo's skin, like strong acid has eaten away the flesh there, and it goes deep, as well. The wound is angry, red, bloody and brutal. Somehow that description reminds Goku of Gojyo, and he feels a pang of loss at the thought of his two demon friends, wondering how they're making out, and if Hakkai is even okay. Only fleetingly does this pass through his mind, however, as he has other matters of importance to attend to now.

Sanzo has regained consciousness, and is quietly resting next to Goku, his head pillowed on a rolled up blanket. Goku has bandaged the wound and done what little he can, all he can do now is watch and wait, and try to offer whatever comfort he is able to. Gazing at the stars, he rests one hand on Sanzo's stomach, near the bandage, perhaps hoping that some good intent will pass through him and find its way to the sight of distress. But he is not Hakkai, and he knows that this is beyond his power.

He tries to avoid all thoughts of the day's earlier events, and in truth they do not concern him as much as he might have thought. What's done is done, and this is the outcome. What does it really matter to him now why Sanzo did what he did? They have both made their choices, and he has no patience for regret. Did Gojyo himself not tell him the same thing, even in the face of betrayal? Betrayal. An ugly word, but there is one person in this world whom Goku would never even dream of betraying, and that man is presently safe at his side.

He is aware that Sanzo is watching him, and has been for most of the time since his awakening. Sanzo looks tired and dazed, as if on the verge of slipping into unconsciousness again, but he is aware of where he is, and of what has happened. He softly whispers Goku's name, the first thing he has spoken since this afternoon, and Goku immediately turns his full attention towards his saviour.

"Goku. I think… it's finally almost over. I think I've nearly lost, but that means I've also won, doesn't it? It feels strange. I wanted to keep fighting, to resist, but at the same time I wanted nothing more than to just give in. I feel so free now. So free. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with saying goodbye to everything that hinders in a life? Why do I keep trying to fight it, Goku? What's the point?"

"Sanzo, I don't get what you're saying."

"No, I don't suppose you would. Tell me, little monkey, why do you stay by my side?"

Goku focuses on his hand where it rests against Sanzo's skin, and doesn't know how to reply. Why does he stay by Sanzo's side? Because Sanzo is his life, his universe. But how do you tell someone something like that? After an extended moment of silence, Sanzo makes a small "tsk" with his tongue.

"Goku, Goku, Goku. Are you keeping secrets from me? Naughty little monkey. I thought there were no secrets between us."

He raises a hand and places it on Goku's knee, giving it a light squeeze and then letting it rest there.

"Sanzo, there's things you're not telling me, either. Like what happened with the fortune lady. And why do you keep getting those nosebleeds all the time. Plus, you've been acting weird. And today…"

He trails off, suddenly feeling like a nosy child, prying into sensitive issues that are perhaps better left untouched. He feels ashamed for admitting that he doubts Sanzo. How could he ever harbor doubts about the nature of such a brightly shining light?

"Goku, do you doubt me?"

Goku startles, feeling as if Sanzo has read his mind and seen into his heart.

"Haven't I always cared for you, my Goku? Almost since… the time when you were born, when you were first brought to me. But that wasn't even really me, was it? And that me didn't want you, at first. But then… I _died_, didn't I. I left you, and they put you in that lonely place and left you there to wait, and wait, and _wait…_ Until _finally _I was born, and you still had to wait. You had to wait until I could hear your cries. Little monkey, crying so desperately. _So desperately, little monkey, so alone. Poor little monkey all alone._"

As Goku listens to Sanzo's words, which gradually fall into almost a singsong tone, he grows more and more confused, because not much of what Sanzo is saying is making any _sense_, and what was that about Sanzo _dying_? He suddenly feels apprehensive and afraid. He can't listen to this anymore, he just can't.

"_Sanzo_! Stop it, you don't make any _sense_. And you're not going to die, okay? Cause I'll take care of you. Besides, you're not hurt _that _badly. So just stop it, okay, Sanzo, please just stop it."

Sanzo chuckles softly, somewhere deep in his throat, and Goku pouts.

"And don't laugh at me, either, I'm being serious."

"Serious doesn't suit you. Monkeys like to have fun all the time, and play and eat, and jump around with their little friends, and then eat some more…"

"Hey! I said stop teasing me, I really _am_ being serious, now. Aren't I allowed to be serious sometimes?"

"No. That's _my _job."

"Well, your doing a pretty lousy job of it right now."

"You want serious, Goku? I'll give you serious. Oh, I'll give you _dead _serious. Listen… we shall deliver the scripture west, and together we shall watch the world tumble down at our feet into the depths of hell, and we shall laugh in the face of the Merciful Goddess herself, and live for ourselves alone, because we shall have no need of anyone but each other, and we shall dance the dance of a true nihilist, and sing the song of an unburdened heart. And we shall be free…"

For the first time, the thought crosses Goku's mind that maybe Sanzo has gone totally insane, and he wonders why the idea never occurred to him before. But Sanzo is looking at him with those eyes of his, and those eyes have only ever been rational and wise and intelligent, right? Maybe a little unbalanced, at times, but insane? A person can't just go insane overnight, can they?

"Sanzo, what _did_ you talk about with the fortune-teller?"

"Nothing. She _showed _me. She showed me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me god. And it was too much for him to handle, that Sanzo who sat in the chair on his own. The Sanzo who _left_ the chair, he didn't have to face it alone, _he_ had some help, and now he doesn't care. He just doesn't care anymore, and he knows what he wants. He feels fine. He feels _free_."

Goku decides to change the subject, not being able to take much more of this cryptic talk that unsettles him so.

"Sanzo, your lip is cut, too. Sorry, I just noticed. "

"_Gojyo_. Blame Gojyo. He has nice sharp teeth."

"_Gojyo_? What the heck was Gojyo doing with _his_ teeth on _you_r lip?"

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know."

"Well, yeah. I am kinda interested actually."

"Why don't you make yourself useful then and kiss it all better for me, my silly little monkey?"

Goku tenses, and then takes a breath.

"You mean… like this?"

So he bends down and places a light kiss on Sanzo's lips, wondering why he should have felt nervous about something that feels so right.

"Mmm… that'll do, for now."

Sanzo's eyes are beginning to drop shut on and off now, as if he's having trouble keeping awake, but doesn't want to let himself slip into sleep just yet.

"Goku…"

"Yeah?"

"Can't you take the pain away? I think you're the only one… who can."

"I'm no healer, Sanzo, I did the best I could, but it's just gonna take time for the wound to heal. I'm sorry if it hurts."

"No, no Goku. Not that, I can barely feel it. I mean the pain _here_, inside."

He places his hand on his chest over his heart, and Goku suddenly feels as if his own chest is hurting, constricting with a deep kind of emotional pain, almost too much to bear.

"Can you help me, Goku? Can you take the pain away, even just for a little while? Soon, I know I won't feel it anymore...my heart, my soul, they'll be sterilized. They'll be dead. But it still hurts now, Goku, it hurts to feel the soul dying inside of me. Can't you make it stop? Goku… _can't you help me_?"

Sanzo's whisper is so soft now, that if Goku were human he would not even be able to make out the words, and even though Goku can hear them, he doesn't know what they mean. But he can hear the pain in Sanzo's voice, and see it in those beautiful eyes. He wants to comfort Sanzo, to reach out to him and let him know that he isn't alone. He wants to offer him something, some assurance that his Goku is here right by his side, through everything, and won't be leaving anytime soon, no matter what may happen.

He ends up surprising himself with what he decides to do. The hand that he has had resting comfortably on Sanzo's stomach slowly slips lower, softly caressing the smooth, pale skin, until it reaches the top of Sanzo's jeans. Then, tentatively, carefully, he unbuttons, and then slowly unzips. The sound of the zipper seems to fill the entire night sky. Sanzo does not protest, and only one word escapes his lips, like nothing more than a release of breath it is spoken so very softly.

"_Please_."

Goku does not hesitate any further, but slips his hand inside Sanzo's jeans, and Sanzo replies to his touch with a sigh that is almost more than a sigh, so he continues what he has begun, and as the man at his side responds further, indicting his pleasure and release, Goku's starry night is replaced by nothing but Sanzo, who is his universe, the very burning _center_ of his universe.

Afterwards, he lies down next to Sanzo under those glittering stars, just resting his head on Sanzo's chest and listening to his precious heartbeat, with one hand gently stroking his stomach in a comforting touch, and watches over him as he sleeps, until he, too, slips into the realm of dreams.

TO BE CONTINUED


	9. My Pain is Your Pain

**My Sun, My Supernova **

**Chapter 9**

**My Pain is Your Pain**

Gojyo drives at breakneck speed, desperate to get Hakkai back to the village. It doesn't take long, however, for it to dawn on him that they will need help long before they ever manage to get that far. As well, he doesn't know how much longer he can stay conscious and focus on the road. What's more, this is a deserted area, with little chance for running into any chance of assistance along the way.

The events that had brought them to this current state had happened so fast and unexpectedly, and with such deadly intensity, that it is hard to believe that they had actually had to leave behind two members of their group. Even though unsure as to the severity of Sanzo's injury, at least, for now, he knows that Goku will look after him. Goku is more than capable of protecting Sanzo from external threats, but what about protecting Sanzo from himself? Can Goku do that? Can Goku keep him from falling any further into the shadows that seem to be overtaking him?

His vision blurring and his hands slipping on the wheel, Gojyo's last thoughts before his body finally gives in are for Hakkai.

When he finally slumps down in the seat, Hakuryu transforms. Flying back and forth over the still bodies of his companions, squealing repeatedly in distress, he eventually begins to widen his flight path, going higher, and his keen eyes begin to scan the surrounding area for any signs of life.

XXX

Probably only luck and good timing are to be thanked. That, as well as good old Hakuryu's faithful devotion and determination, of course. As it turns out, however, Hakuryusearchs, and finds someone very unexpected, and in the circumstances, very welcome. Hakuryu greets her almost like a friend, for he remembers certain previous encounters.

So, Hakkai and Gojyo find themselves brought to the village upon the back of a flying dragon, by a friend who is not a friend, and they are soon bandaged, treated and recovering. Demons are strong. Their bodies won't take long to heal. They are already beginning to consider their next move. Of course, they will go after Sanzo and Goku. How can they not? Their place is with Sanzo in this mission. They will see him safely through even if it is the last thing that they ever do.

Though they aretroubled by the knowledge that Sanzo had been hit in the attack, and the fact that they are unsure of the condition they had been forced to leave him in, they can only count on Goku. For the time being, that will have to be enough of a consolation, for it is their _only _consolation. Except…

They now have a possible source of information as to their current predicament, and are currently engaged in a solemn discussion with their unlikely companion.

"Miss Yaone, Goku mentioned that Sanzo had seen a fortune-teller in this village. This in itself struck me as somewhat odd. Sanzo isn't the type to get taken in by something like that. We were thinking it might possibly have something to do with his recent unusual behaviour."

Yaone speaks.

"From what you describe, it seems my fears may be true. I had hoped I would find the information to be merely a false rumour, but now… May I accompany you in your investigation? I was on my way here to search for evidence of truth for myself anyway when I came across your dragon. I think I may have an idea of what is happening, but I want to be sure. I may be able to offer you some insight, but please be forewarned, you may not like what you hear."

XXX

Together, engaged in a temporary alliance, the improbable threesome begins to search for leads as to where this mysterious fortune-teller can be found. It isn't easy, as no one seems to know anything about such a person. Strange, considering the small size of the town. If something exists here then it should be common knowledge.

After combing the village in an exhaustive and seemingly fruitless effort, they finally turn up a hint. Someone happens to mention that a new resident in the town, a reclusive woman who sells herbs and the like, including incense, reminds them of a type who might be into fortune-telling, but that that isn't a service the woman offers, at least not that they are aware of.

_Incense._

This could be what they're after, and they waste no time in finding the mentioned location.

They find the place unattended and unlocked, and so proceed to let themselves in. The smell of the different substances that greets them is strong, but not unpleasant. Not like the pungently putrid smell of the incense Sanzo had been burning. Also, alarmingly, it does not cover the thick scent of death permeating the air.

Pushing their way through the curtains into the next room, the source of the smell is revealed. The body of a woman lies on the floor, dressed head to toe in green, and judging by her posture she had been trying to crawl towards the door just before death. There is a pool of dried blood beneath her head, and a swarm of flies is busy at work. Bending down, Gojyo lifts the veil she wears over her face, and averts his eyes at the sight that is revealed. Yaone gasps, covering her mouth with her hand. The woman's face is forever distorted in an expression of horror, and there is blood caked around her nostrils, and down her face.

A moment of grim silence is shared, as they consider the implications of their discovery. Next, a thorough search through the herbal items, which seem to be disturbed somewhat, as if someone has been doing the exact same thing before their arrival, soon reveals an odour matching Sanzo's incense. Yaone looks over the substance with concern spreading over her face.

The incense and bleeding from the nose definitely seem to connect Sanzo to that dead woman, but so far it is still a mystery to Hakkai and Gojyo. They look to Yaone now as the only key to possibly solving it.

XXX

Goku and Sanzo's journey continues, with just the two of them heading westward. To Goku, it almost seems as if time has stopped, that's how tranquil the atmosphere has become. Sanzo is still recovering, and remains resting in the back of the little wagon that has become their refuge. He has been mostly quiet, except for sometimes speaking oddly about things that Goku can't make coherent sense out of, and so he just listens, and doesn't ask.

Although a calm has seemed to descend upon the pair, Goku still can't shake the feeling that it is an omen of worse to come. It scares him that he has no idea what Sanzo has on his mind, what he might do next, as his behaviour has been so bizarrely erratic and unpredictable of late. But he doesn't know what he can do except keep going, take care of Sanzo as best he can, and wait.

It turns out that he doesn't have to wait long. Only once since parting from their two companions does Sanzo suffer another nosebleed, this time only a tiny dribble, and Sanzo does not even bother to break out the incense at all. After this episode, Sanzo begins to grow restless. He becomes more insistent in his requests for Goku to help ease his pain, to which Goku willingly complies.

Until, Goku's premonition of impending trouble actually comes to pass, and things _change_.

XXX

Goku finds himself waking in the night, with an odd and eerie sense of déjà vu causing him to go instantly on edge. He had fallen asleep in their little nest in the back of the wagon, with Sanzo's arms around him, but now Sanzo is gone, and he is alone with only the _smell of blood_.

He jolts alert, feeling like he is awakening to a nightmare. He climbs from the wagon, calling Sanzo's name into the darkness, scanning frantically and following his sense of smell.

Finally, overby the brook, he finds Sanzo crouching on the rocks by the edge of the water. Goku allows himself to breath a small sigh of relief, but does not yet swallow his apprehension. He approaches.

Sanzo is facing away from him, towards the water. He is shivering and naked, his skin and hair soaking wet. Goku calls his name questioningly, and in response he turns to face Goku.

Goku is stricken to the very bone by what he sees.

Sanzo's eyes are glazed, and he holds his little pocketknife in a tightly clenched fist. His priest's robe lies discarded at his side, and has been torn and slashed into pieces. Worse, his body is covered in cuts and gashes, the letters on his arm from the previous episode re-carved. On the opposite arm he has engraved another word:

U N H O L Y

His hands are covered in blood, and his skin is smeared with the glistening red liquid.

This time, Goku's bursting heart does not react to the fear by trying to escape. This time he rushes forward and drops to his knees in front of Sanzo, taking a hold of his wrist and wresting the blade from his possession.

Oh, if only he had thought to confiscate this horrible implement of harm, but he had not, and now it is too late.

"_Sanzo_! Oh, Sanzo, what did you _do_? _Why, _Sanzo, why? _Tell _me, Sanzo. Talk to me!"

He drops the knife and takes a hold of Sanzo's other wrist as well, blood coating his palms from the wounds. He gives Sanzo a good shake, trying to get him to focus on him. And suddenly, he does. His eyes meet Goku's directly, and seem to clear a little.

"Goku? How much will it take, Goku? How much will be _enough_?"

"Sanz_ooo_! _Please _just stop! I can't… I don't know what I'm supposed to _do_! _Sanzo_?"

Sanzo seems unaffected by Goku's outburst, and Goku releases his hold on him, throwing his hands down instead to his knees as he kneels on the rocks. A moment of shaky breathing and stillness, and then he raises his head at the sound of Sanzo's voice.

"Goku, how much will it take to cleanse myself of this… _holiness._ How much blood must be shed? I don't _want _this soul, Goku. No. It belongs to Konzen, not Sanzo. It doesn't… _fit_… me."

He closes his eyes and shakes his head, and then smiles sadly at Goku.

"Goku… my Goku… you are the only thing… the only thing I have to hold onto. The only treasure I have that has any value. Not the scripture… not my title… not even my own existence… only you."

"Sanzo?"

"Goku, if I were to hurt you, would it be enough then? Could I wash out my soul… if I used _your_ blood? Mine doesn't work, Goku. It's not enough. If I were to hurt you… would you let me, Goku? Would you let me hurt you?"

"Sanzo? Why do you need…"

"_Please_, please help me Goku. Only you can do it, only you. Will you _help_ me? It _hurts_. It hurts so much."

His heart breaking with his longing to relieve Sanzo's torment, Goku scoots forward and wraps him in his arms.

Sanzo kisses Goku gently on the top of his head, and then leans forward, easing Goku down onto the rocks, straddling his body and caressing him with blood-smeared hands. Then, he picks up the blade, and as he presses it to Goku's skin, Goku feels himself go numb.

Through the stinging numbness, he thinks that if only he can take away Sanzo's pain, then everything will be okay, and if to do that, it means he has to take Sanzo's pain upon himself, then maybe that's okay too. Maybe that's okay.

_For he will follow the light of his sun, even if its fire burns him alive every step of the way_.

When he feels the blade cut into his skin, he closes his eyes, and deep inside, he cries.


	10. Lost in Orbit

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 10**

**Lost in Orbit**

Hakkai and Gojyo have their full attention on Yaone now, prepared to listen to whatever information she can give them regarding their situation. In this case, differences must be put aside, and they must put trust in what she has to say.

She looks unsettled and disturbed, as though a dark shadow is clinging to her heart. What's more, there is sympathy in her eyes, and a sorrow that speaks of tragedy, and it is this that causes her audience to clench their hearts in their chests as they wait for her words.

"I had a suspicion that something was being planned, something involving a psychic who was being prepared for some kind of assignment. I didn't like the sound of it. So when I heard that she was being sent to intercept your party, I became alarmed. Now that I have heard your story, and seen the evidence for myself, I believe I know what is going on. I will tell you, because this whole situation doesn't sit well with me, and if I were in your place… But, although I can give you knowledge, I'm afraid I cannot offer anything in the way of hope."

She pauses, as though hesitant to go on, until Hakkai gently encourages her to continue.

"If… if a skilled and powerful psychic can search the soul of an intended target, and find something sensitive to grasp onto, something painfully significant, and force it to the surface, then… the resulting spiritual shock can create a tear, or an opening. This in itself is damaging, perhaps beyond possibility of repair, this digging through the fragile nature of the soul to bring forth what was safely buried. But, if the psychic is carrying a form of dark magic that has been implanted in her mind like a dormant seed, and one which will prove fatal to her, then… once this opening has been created, the seed passes from the psychic to the victim, and implants itself within the vulnerable, freshly wounded soul, much like a virus, or an infection. It spreads quickly, and produces a kind of sickness of the soul."

Hakkai and Gojyo share a concerned glance. _A sickness of the soul_? In that case, then at least there should be a cure, right?

Yaone seems almost as if she senses the turn their thoughts are taking, for she shakes her head sadly, and then continues.

"The subconscious resists the attack, usually causing physical effects, such as bleeding from the nasal passages. But the virus compels the victim to crave and seek out the scent of a particular herb, one that will work to lull the subconscious and suppress its strength to resist. As I said, this affliction spreads very quickly. It works to corrupt and break down the protective walls that the mind builds up around the dark side of the soul. This darkness is then released, allowing the expression of hidden desires, tendencies and thoughts that have previously been repressed. At the same time, the virus offers resistance to things that have been injurious or hurtful to the spirit of the victim, such as denial, or fear. Inhibitions and moral obligations may no longer be an obstacle."

Yaone pauses in her explanation to take a shaky breath, preparing herself to say what she must.

"Gradually, the affliction takes permanent hold, and the nosebleeds will stop as the resistance is weakened enough to completely succumb. At this point, there is no chance of reversing the effects. The victim becomes a sick, twisted version of the former self, with the soul effectively turned inside out to reveal its dark and hidden inner lining. I have heard that the process is a very painful and difficult one for the victim to endure. However, after it has run it's course and taken root, it becomes easier. There is no more inner struggle between what is allowed to be expressed and what must be repressed."

She casts her eyes to the ground, and her final words are spoken with sincere regret.

"I'm afraid there is no known remedy for this unnatural and cruel affliction."

Hakkai and Gojyo remain silent as they absorb all that they have heard. Finally, Hakkai speaks.

"I see. Miss Yaone, I'm afraid we have one more favour to ask of you. Will you please leave us now to attend to matters here, with your assurance that there will be no interference from your people? Things would likely get very… _unpleasant_ if Kougaiji were to seek to try and take some kind of advantage of this situation. Goku especially is not willing to put up with any kind of intrusion. Do you understand?"

"Yes. And I… _I'm so very sorry_."

XXX

After Yaone's departure, Hakkai and Gojyo remain quiet for a long time. They simply sit, Hakkai with his hands folded in his lap and Gojyo with his head in his hands, lost in thought and utterly shaken by the grim truth just imparted to them.

At last, Gojyo raises his head, carefully tucking his hair back and out of the way.

"Hakkai, what would happen if one of us were ever to totally lose it? If we fell into the same state as the demons we always have to kill? What if, for example, we hadn't been able to restore Goku when he went berserk? Is there any doubt in your mind as to what Sanzo would do then? Do you ever doubt that he would… _release_ us?"

Hakkai meets his friend's eyes with a growing realization pricking at his heart. He shakes his head slightly, and offers his reply.

"No."

A small smile, devoid of any humour, comes and goes quickly across Gojyo's lips.

"Me either. I think it's almost like an unspoken promise between all of us. That he would put a quick and merciful end to it, rather than let any of us live like that. But… we never considered it from the other perspective, did we? Do you think… _Sanzo_ wants to live like that? Doesn't he deserve the same treatment as what he would give us?"

Hakkai finds he has become very aware of the sensation of his own pulse rushing throughout his body, of the rhythm of his own breath and heart. What is this stillness that seems to be descending upon him, this sense of certainty? What is this terrible, dreadful calm? Hakkai tries to shake it off, but his reply feels almost as if it were coming from somewhere very far away.

"Goku would never allow it. He won't let us anywhere near Sanzo now."

Gojyo sighs and nods in agreement.

"True, and if it does have to end this way, I don't think Goku's gonna take it. It'll _change_ him. Either way, we'd… probably have to put Goku down as well."

"We may not be able to."

"Then we die trying. For his sake, and Sanzo's."

"I can't believe we're even discussing this. Gojyo, is this _real_?"

"No. This is a nightmare, and I think… I think we might not ever wake up."

XXX

How can such a warm embrace feel so _sharp_? How can something so intimate be so _destructive_, or something so beautiful, be so _painful?_ How can something that should be perfect, _hurt so much_?

Goku wonders these things, and it saddens him, yet he does not feel used or abused, because he is always willing. The words _sick, morbid, wrong, _never once cross his mind, for this is not about pain, this is about taking the pain away. If he himself must suffer, this is merely an insignificant side effect of the remedy for Sanzo's inner agony.

So when Sanzo gets carried away, as he often does, and cuts too deep, Goku will only whimper, and never protest. When this happens, Sanzo will kiss him tenderly and sooth the wound with his tongue, and whisper words of comfort in Goku's ear in a soft caress of sound and breathe.

And there is always afterwards, when Goku will hold Sanzo in his arms until the tormented man falls asleep, and Goku is assured that, at least for a little while, he is at peace.

Goku's life feels so different, now. Gone are the carefree days and lighthearted jokes. No longer does he have the luxury of voicing his complaints of eternal hunger, nor does he have a group of supportive companions to share his trials with. There is only himself and Sanzo, caught together in a strange new world of pain. But there is also certainty here, and belonging, for he knows that his place is always at Sanzo's side, no matter how many shadows they must pass through. No shadow can ever be as dark as a world without Sanzo. The very thought is unbelievable, the idea unacceptable

_'He took me away from that dark, dark place without light. He gave me a world much, much more brilliant than the sun.'_

Now it is his turn to rescue Sanzo, and he will use everything that he has in his power in order to do so. Once, Sanzo said that he had heard a call, and answered it, but now, Goku feels like he is the one who must answer a call, except that it is not a voice that beckons him, but a beacon of light. And he is afraid, because what if that light should dim? What if it should fade away? Then there will be nothing left but emptiness, and darkness.

Goku is afraid of that darkness.

He wants to protect Sanzo. But what if he isn't strong enough? Sanzo pleads for his help, for him to take the pain away, but what if…what if he is unable? What if his blood is _not_ enough? What will Sanzo do then? What else does Goku have to offer?

Goku begins to feel a desperation rising up. It slowly eats away at his courage, at his sense of reason, perhaps even at his very sanity. His universe now consists of one man, who is the sun, and he revolves around this alone, in an intense, single-minded orbit. Everything else is beginning to blur, because he is spinning so fast, and has become so dazzled by the light.

At this point, he will do anything to keep the sun in the sky, no matter what the cost may be, no matter what price he must pay. No matter how much of himself he must lose in the process.

Even if Sanzo must bleed him dry.

TO BE CONTINUED


	11. Release

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 11**

**Release**

Goku sits with his knees drawn up, watching as the sun sets on the horizon. As he watches, he is not so much thinking anything in particular as he is simply lost in emotion. He feels a sense of fear, one that seems to grow in intensity as the sun sinks lower and lower in the sky, promising to disappear from view altogether in just a short while. Sunsets have come to frighten him of late, as has the darkness of night that always follows.

He hears a shift of movement behind him, and turns with a flood of relief. Sanzo is awake at last, and he will not have to face the sunset alone.

"Sanzo, will you come watch with me?"

"Are you watching the nasty sun again? I swear, one day the silly little monkey will burn his eyes blind, and then there will be only darkness, forever and ever and ever."

"Don't say that, it's not nice. Just… come over here, please? I don't wanna be alone."

With a mumbled groan of agreement, Sanzo crawls his way over to Goku's side and leans snuggly against him.

Goku breathes a sigh of contented relief, greedily soaking up his presence. There, it's not so bad now. Let the other sun sink as far away as it wants, for he already has one of his very own.

"Goku, why do you feel so drawn to the sun? Can its fire not be too vicious at times?"

"But the earth couldn't even live without the sun."

"So you don't deny its potential for cruelty, then?"

Sanzo's words are starting to confuse Goku again. Why does he always go on about things like this? He feels frustrated that he can never seem to understand what he is saying. Is he trying to tell him something important?

"I'm sorry, Sanzo, but I don't get it. I'm just a stupid monkey, remember?"

Goku rests his head on his knees. Why can't he just _exist_, without having to worry and think so much? It's hard, this being responsible, being reasonable and always trying to understand things. Why can't life be just a little bit _simpler_?

"Ah, but even monkeys have souls. Goku, don't you ever wish you could leave behind all the burdens that come with carrying the soul's load?"

Is Sanzo talking about _death_? Goku almost has the urge to cover his ears, except he would never want to shut Sanzo out in that way.

"Goku, listen. I woke up just now, and I could _feel _it. The difference. The pain is gone now, all gone. My soul feels so _light_. I barely feel it at all. It feels wonderful, Goku. Perfect. Clean. Free."

Did Sanzo just say what Goku thinks he just said? Is he really…

"Sanzo, you mean… you don't _hurt _anymore? Are you… are you sure? There's no more pain, at all?"

"No, it's been washed away. It feels wonderful."

Goku turns towards Sanzo and gently places one hand on each side of Sanzo's face, as if handling something so precious that to touch it is almost an act of worship. He looks straight into Sanzo's eyes, long and hard, trying to search for any evidence of pain in their violet depths. His heart is racing, afraid to believe Sanzo's words, afraid to hope, because what if they aren't true? He's worked so desperately to try to erase the terrible pain in Sanzo's eyes, but nothing has helped, and he feels so worn out.

Sanzo matches the intensity of his gaze, and neither moves as this curious investigation takes place.

As Goku looks into Sanzo's eyes, he can see _something_ swirling in their midst. Something he can't name, but no, he can no longer see that raw, overflowing _pain _that had already broken his heart so many times.

Is it really over?

Suddenly, Goku is struck with pure j_oy, _just completely unadulterated elation.

Hot tears begin to stream down his face, so overcome is he with relief. He presses his lips to Sanzo's in a kiss of celebration and devotion, as if in a last desperate attempt to swallow up any last, hidden traces of pain from within the other.

Sanzo allows this over-enthusiastic display of emotion, and responds by slipping his arms around Goku. Their two bodies, now marred with fresh scars and all the hurts that still haven't healed, find themselves entwined in an embrace that is finally not one born of pain, but of _freedom._

Goku eventually breaks off the kiss for one more look, just to be sure. What Sanzo says seems to be true, but what then is that _something _that he is sure he can see swimming around within those purple pools? There's almost something frightening about it, something not quite right. But Goku doesn't care. Right now, he couldn't care less.

He is about to engage in another kiss, but before he can do so, he finds his hands being firmly gripped and removed from their position.

"Goku, be still. Listen. I wish you could share this feeling, this freedom. I'm sad for you, my Goku, because you have to keep _suffering_ like you do. I want to release you, so you can join me. Will you let me release you, my little Goku? Will you trust me enough to let me decide what's best for you?"

"Of course I trust you, you _know_ that. But I don't know what you _mean_. "

"It's so simple, Goku, I only want you to be free."

"I _am _free, aren't I?"

"No. Let me show you. Close your eyes."

"Sanzo?"

"Trust me. Now close your eyes. Don't open them until I tell you to."

So Goku squeezes his eyes shut, trusting in his Sanzo to know what's best, because personally he doesn't have a clue what he's talking about, and he's so tired of struggling to understand.

He feels Sanzo moving away from him, hears him stop a short distance off.

"Open your eyes, and tell me what you see."

Goku snaps open his eyes, and the shock of what he sees stuns his mixed-up heart.

For Sanzo has the muzzle of his gun pressed up tight against his own head, his finger squeezing dangerously down upon the trigger.

"Sanzo, _no, _what are you _doing_!"

He begins to rise in order to go to Sanzo and stop whatever insanity he has in mind, but Sanzo kills this impulse with his next words.

"One more step, and I'll shoot myself dead, Goku. Do you want me to do that?"

Goku freezes, beginning to panic.

"I though you said you weren't _hurting _anymore? Why are you… do you want to _die? Sanzo?_"

"Shhh… Just tell me what you see."

What does he see? He sees Sanzo, his Sanzo, holding a gun to his head. His Sanzo wanting to kill himself and splatter his own brains all over the ground as if it were some kind of a game, right in front of Goku's very eyes. He sees…

"Pain. I see too much pain. Sanzo, _please_…I can't take this anymore…"

His eyes begin to shed tears again, but this time they are not tears of joy, but tears of grief, helplessness, confusion, tears of torment.

"Don't cry, Goku, My little Goku. Do you see what I mean now? You are _not_ free, are you? Do you see that now? You are still bound by the fragility of the soul, still bound to _pain._ Let me set you free, Goku. Let me set you _free_."

Goku is allowed one brief flash of relief as Sanzo turns the gun away from himself. He is forced to watch, then, as Sanzo instead points it directly at Goku's own head.

His mind goes blank, all coherent thought unexpectedly caught off guard.

In the next instant, Sanzo pulls the trigger.

TO BE CONTINUED


	12. Perfection

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 12**

**Perfection**

"Let me set you _free_."

With these words, one bullet is released from the barrel of Sanzo's gun.

Goku, with tears streaking his face, stands in shocked confusion as he faces the unbelievable.

"_Why do you feel so drawn to the sun?" _

The golden coronet around his head glints dully in the fading light as the lead pellet approaches without hesitation, discharged by Sanzo's own hand.

_"One day, you will burn your eyes blind, and then there will be only darkness, forever and ever and ever."_

Impact, shatter, _release._

"_Let me set you free."_

XXX

Goku has one final moment of horror to realize what Sanzo has done, _intentionally, _as the broken halves of his coronet fall ominously to the ground. He tries to speak, to call out Sanzo's name, reaching out his hand towards the one who still shines, but the name catches in his throat, and becomes instead a scream.

The last thing he sees, before his vision goes completely black, is the brilliant intensity of those stormy violet eyes, and that ever present, bright, beautiful aura that in his eyes always seems to surround Sanzo with a radiant glow of light. Then his world begins to change.

Thoughts, memories, ideas, all begin to swirl together in a crazy spiraling vortex of confusion and chaos, ripping apart his mind from within, restructuring and clearing it in the process. Who he is, where he is, what he is doing here, all begins to shrink away, to coalesce and alter.

His body changes. Ears, nails and teeth all elongate and sharpen into points. His hair becomes a long, wild mane cascading down his back. Goku feels himself slipping away into a dark, small place, locked tightly away from the world he has known and loved, and soon, all light is lost.

The scream dies out as his mind finally stills and calms, and the world suddenly comes rushing back. But everything is so different now, so clear. There is no more confusion, no more tears, no more _pain._

He opens his eyes, slit pupils cutting across cruel, wicked gold. Intensely alert, he licks his lips, tasting the air. _Hunger._ That is the first thing that floods his awareness. _Restlessness. _Everything is so crisp, speaking to him in a language that no longer has need of words.

A strong scent catches his attention. The scent of life and warm flesh, laced delicately with the distinct aroma of fear. His eyes snap towards the source of the enticing smell. The horse, tied up nearby. The animal is beginning to fret, tugging at the rope and lifting her hooves with a growing urge to flee.

Goku smiles. He does not remember that he has given this animal a name. He does not care that this creature has served him well over the past days. He does not now even consider the horse beyond the fact that it is alive, and has a smell and a pulse, and that this excites him. He only wants to revel in that odour, to find the source of that pulse that calls to him so enticingly.

Without hesitation, there is a flash of movement, and he is upon the helpless animal. Through a flurry of bloodlust the horse is assaulted and torn apart alive beneath Goku's savagery. When the glorious heartbeat stops, and no longer calls to him with its throbbing beat, he trails his claws over the still warm flesh, monster eyes riveted upon the sight of the fresh blood that this brings welling to the surface. He brings one hand to his lips and laps up the blood, letting its taste stir and invigorate his own wild heart, feeling his own pulse thundering in his keen ears.

He feels alive, he feels free, he feels powerful. He tilts back his head and howls, long and triumphant and utterly uncontained.

XXX

Sanzo's aim is true, his target breaking apart and becoming a thing of discard. He watches, transfixed, as if witnessing a miracle, while Goku begins to transform before his eyes.

This new Goku is the most beautiful, perfect thing he has ever seen, and now he falls to his knees in absolute wonder and awe at the sight.

Goku, his hands currently tearing into the chest of his kill to find the heart, suddenly turns his head, gazing sharply upon Sanzo. His pulse still sings with the desire to kill, to destroy. He growls softly in his throat, but, his immediate need to kill satiated by the horse, he simply smiles, and allows himself the pleasure of toying with this new prey.

Sanzo gazes upon Goku, their eyes locked, and what he sees is his own death looking back at him.

Ah, and _such_ a death! It will be ultimate release, the purest kind of cleansing for the last vestiges of the soul. For this is his Goku, reborn and reshaped into the very essence of perfection. Death in such a way can only be beautiful, a gift in return for the freedom he has given to Goku. He is ready to embrace this perfect gift.

A feeling of euphoria thrills through his body as he opens his arms in welcome and in praise, his eyes glazing over in longing as he tilts back his head to expose his throat, never breaking his hold on those golden eyes that will momentarily consume him.

XXX

Goku pauses suddenly in his intent, cocking his head to the side. Something about this new victim strikes him still with curiosity. For strangely, and unexpectedly, what faces him now is a total and complete absence of any fear whatsoever. Not a trace. Neither is there even so much as a spark of any will to attack, to defend, or even to flee. He listens to this creature's heartbeat, then, trying to pick up some hint as to its nature, but the pulse that sings to him is almost like a lullaby, so calm is its rhythm.

As he hesitates to regard his victim in such a way, something begins to register dimly in his mind. A flicker of recognition filters through. As he listens, the lullaby pulse begins to lull him. Gradually, the instinct to attack, to kill, to rip to pieces with an exhilarating rush of hot blood, is lessened, stilled.

Goku begins to approach, slowly, almost cautiously, except that he is not afraid. The kneeling creature does not move, flinch or try to escape. He simply waits and watches, his arms open, vital organs totally unprotected, as if in offering. Soon Goku is within inches, and wastes no time in starting his exploration. He tests Sanzo's scent, circling him slowly as he does so. He discovers that his own scent is here as well, and that puzzles him, but also somehow pleases him. He touches the fine blonde hair, and finds that this pleases him as well. He yanks out some of the strands, letting them fall from his fingers in fascination. The fair-haired creature under his scrutiny does not even react as this small act of violence is inflicted.

Goku's lip twitches, and he strikes suddenly at Sanzo. Not hard, but enough to leave a small scratch upon the attractive face. Still no reaction. Still no fear. So Goku pounces, knocking Sanzo to the ground, and crouches over his prone body. Still nothing.

Another moment passes, and neither moves. Goku senses no tenseness at all in the vulnerable body beneath him, and when Sanzo reaches up a hand in wonder, to trace his fingers over one finely pointed ear, Goku senses no threat in the movement, and so he allows it, only snarling a faint warning in response. His body responds instinctually to that touch, without his conscious decision, by turning his head to press his face into that questing palm, wordlessly demanding the caress to continue. His body trembles slightly with the pleasure derived from this simple contact. Goku bends his head, tasting the drop of blood that he has caused to stain the skin of this rather interesting creature. Suddenly, with the feel of the warm body beneath him, the taste of the blood upon his tongue, the gentle caress, the scent which surrounds him and… this _brightness _filling his awareness, a new kind of instinct is triggered.

The instinct to _protect,_ the instinct to _possess._

A soft purr starts faintly and hesitantly in Goku's throat, and quickly swells to a deep rumble of content, as all his senses and awareness are focused on his newfound object of affection.

Sanzo senses that now, for the time being at least, he will not be granted the death he was expecting, and this in itself is also wonderful, yet another kind of miracle.

He begins to speak softly now to the monster pinning him down, as he strokes the hair upon a head now no longer hindered by the weight of a solid band of metal. His voice is breathy, almost delirious, as he pours his vision of darkness into a pair of golden eyes and purely demonic ears.

"Ah, Goku, my little Goku, you feel it now, don't you? The _freedom_, the _release_. Yes, my beautiful, beautiful Goku. I'm so very happy for you now, that you were able to join me. Together, just you and I, we shall walk the earth as two perfect beings who have escaped the weight of the soul, and all its terrible _pain._ Together, we shall be like two divine creatures of chaos, and we shall take the scripture west, and bring a cleansing upon the land. We shall worship only each other, and we shall burn in a fire of our own making, and we shall be _free_."

His lets his breath hum in his throat for a moment, as if trying to match Goku's purr.

"Ahh, Konzen, I have done it. Are you not pleased? I have _freed _him, forever, our own Goku, and together, we shall defy the Heavens which have forsaken us all!"

Sanzo laughs a laugh that is more like a gasp of ecstasy, and Goku answers with a growl, sinking his sharp teeth into Sanzo's neck in a bloody kiss of bonding.

TO BE CONTINUED


	13. Unholy Sanctity

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 13**

**Unholy Sanctity**

If you were to catch sight of Sanzo now, making his way ever westward on foot, you would probably think him a solitary traveler. You would, of course, be dead wrong in this assumption. If by chance your intent were to try to take advantage of his apparent vulnerability, you would discover that he is more than capable of defending himself. Most likely you would not even get close enough to see the deadly glint in his eyes, before you would find yourself the recipient of a fatal gunshot wound. And believe me, in his current condition, he can't be relied upon to let you off with just a warning, even if you _are _completely human.

On the other hand, it may be instead that you would come to realize that he is _not _alone, after all. This is even more unfortunate for you, because in this case your death will not be quick and easy. No, not at all, for you will find yourself set upon by the beast which is never far from the journeying monk's side. Your life will become but a temporary amusement for its bloodthirsty whims, and it will be _angry, _because you have ventured to trespass upon its own territory, which includes anywhere within the vicinity of wherever either it or its human happens to be passing through. Also, it will be savagely _enraged, _because you have committed the double transgression of _daring _to threaten the creature it has claimed as its very own.

If this describes your current situation, then your own screams of terror will be the very last thing you ever hear, and you will die at the feet of a priest who does not read sutras for the dead, but instead sings lullabies to a murderous beast with golden eyes.

XXX

Goku seems content to follow along in the path set by Sanzo, as he does not care one way or the other, or even know the meaning of the idea of a _destination, _or a _goal. _For Goku, there is only living, no matter where that may be. Living, and of course also killing.

Although he is usually not far off, Sanzo knows he is following. Occasionally, he will hear the animalistic howls and the shrieks from somewhere in the distance, which speak of his presence. Goku will pick up Sanzo's scent when he wants to return to him, and his keen ears are always tuned to the sound of potential danger. It thrills Sanzo to know that he is being stalked in such a way.

When Sanzo must stop to rest or to sleep, burdened by his human body as he is, Goku will often come sniffing his way over, curling up next to Sanzo with a purr, delighting in the contact, making sure to do a complete and thorough job of mingling their two separate scents together as he rubs up to his human, demanding to be stroked and caressed in all of his favourite places. And if Goku is in a playful mood, then Sanzo will find himself pinned and prodded and nipped, his body wickedly teased into submission by those sharp teeth and strong limbs. He will not let Sanzo leave their temporary nest until he has decided that this is acceptable, and he would use force to keep him by his side if Sanzo were to protest. But he does not ever take off without Sanzo, or force him to keep going when he needs to stop. He is surprisingly _considerate _of the needs of his mate.

Sanzo, for his part, is totally enraptured with this new Goku, entirely caught up in the wonder that a creature of such terrible beauty as this can exist, and at his side, no less. He is almost intoxicated with bliss, lost in the ecstasy of forbidden desires and dangerous union between man and beast. There is also the fact that at any moment, Goku could turn against him, and Sanzo revels in this knowledge as well.

Together, they are the very image of perversity, in all its gloriously wild abandon.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo travel together quietly, trying to take it easy so as to give their bodies as much chance to heal as possible before encountering their quarry.

_Quarry._

It just feels so wrong to think of Sanzo and Goku in this way, but that is the hard and unforgiving truth at hand, and they have decided to do their best to accept the situation for what it is. If even one of them were to start expressing doubts and weakened resolve, they know they may very well break down and give up the chase altogether. But really, how could they give up? This would effectively mean abandoning their teammates, their _friends_, and they could never really consider doing this. What other options are there? What can they do besides either hunt them down, abandon them entirely, or…

_If you can't beat them, join them._

A sinister whisper mutters so softly, so far back in the recesses of the mind, that they have not even really acknowledged or become aware of its presence at all. But still, they are demons, are they not? How difficult would it truly be to embrace this part of themselves? Isn't there some hidden appeal in the idea of the four of them running together as a pack of miscreant outcasts? The thought evades them still, only just beginning to strain at the shell that binds it tightly away within the darkest depths of the soul.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo continue on their original westward path in their search, not knowing for sure whether this is still the path followed by the other two, but for now it's their best bet, not to mention the fact that there aren't a lot of other options in the area they now find themselves traveling through.

The jeep rumbles along, engine roaring in a constant drone that they are by now so familiar with that they barely hear it. The vibration of the vehicle beneath them feels almost like a part of themselves, they have grown so accustomed to it.

Gojyo finds himself vacantly viewing the scenery as it passes by, sitting in the seat once reserved exclusively for Sanzo alone. He can still smell the monk's brand of cigarette, soaked permanently into the seat cushion. He finds himself wondering idly why Hakuryu doesn't come with a self-cleaning feature when in jeep mode, and allows himself a brief pretense of amusement at the thought. Suddenly, Hakkai slows the vehicle, bringing it to a dead stop.

"Hakkai?"

"I think we've just come across our first clue."

Gojyo follows his gaze, and then he sees it. Some distance from the track, the wagon that had belonged to the massacred family is parked quietly. They listen for a time, but no evidence of life makes itself known.

"Well, guess we should go check it out, eh?"

With these words, Gojyo jumps from the jeep, readying his weapon rather reluctantly. Hakkai soon joins him.

The two make their way over to the horse drawn vehicle, and as they approach they become aware of the presence of the horse, now dead.

"Holy _shit_. _Something_ had fun here."

"Yes, and I think we know who it was all too well."

Gojyo turns to see Hakkai crouching on the ground, holding something in his hand.

"Hey, what did you…"

Gojyo's words die in his throat as he recognizes the object.

Goku's golden coronet, broken in half.

"Oh, double shit."

"I would have to agree wholeheartedly with that sentiment. But our next question is, what happened to Sanzo? Did this happen as a result of something happening to Sanzo, or… "

Gojyo finishes off the thought.

"Or did Goku change, for whatever reason, and then take Sanzo out?"

They stare blankly at the broken object for a time, and then Hakkai gathers himself to speak.

"We should do a thorough search of the area and see if we can come across any more evidence as to what may have occurred here."

Suddenly Hakuryu, who had been rooting around in the grass busily, begins to squeal excitedly, trying to get their attention. He has something small in his mouth.

"What do you have there Hakuryu? Let me see. Thank you. Oh."

"What the hell is it, Hakkai?"

"It's a bullet, and it's obviously struck a target. But... then why is it lying here in the grass, I wonder? What did Sanzo hit?"

"Let me see that thing."

Gojyo studies the bullet, not really expecting to make any discoveries from this seemingly pointless examination, but still…

An expression of doubt emerges on his face, and then moves on into one of alarm, and finally disbelief. He looks at the broken coronet in Hakkai's hands.

"Hakkai, you don't suppose…"

Hakkai follows Gojyo's gaze, deciphering his friend's thought processes.

"Sanzo… you think _he_ did this… to Goku?"

"Guess the fucked-up bastard finally graduated from knives to homicidal monkey monsters."

"Gojyo…"

"Sorry. But if he had a death wish or something, why drag Goku into it? And where the fuck is the body? Goku should have ripped him to pieces. And Sanzo obviously didn't restore the monkey, or you wouldn't be holding _that_."

"I think all we can do now is continue searching. Perhaps, considering the lack of evidence, one or even both of them are still alive. Goku at least, probably is still out here somewhere."

"Man, I guess they'd just be making it too easy for us if they managed to kill each other off, eh?"

"Now, now, Gojyo, we can't expect them to do all the work for us."

"No, damn that stinking monk and his pet monkey, causing us so much trouble. But hey, what are friends for, eh, Hakkai? Guess we'd best camp out here for the night, just in case someone's still around, continue searching tomorrow."

"Agreed. Gojyo?"

"Yeah?"

Hakkai just looks at Gojyo, and the two share a wordless moment filled with all the myriad things that can never even begin to be said in a situation such as this. Blood red, emerald green, and in the middle, an entire ocean of unspoken truth.

"Nothing."

"Yeah. I hear you, Hakkai. Loud and clear. Loud and clear."

XXX

Sanzo's stomach is in knots from ingesting the raw meat that Goku brings to him. He does not even know if the flesh he consumes is that of some wild or domestic animal, demon or even human. He finds he does not care, although his body has ideas of its own as it violently revolts against this new diet. He is only human, and his body is becoming tired and strained. The wounds on his left arm aren't healing properly, and his muscles ache everywhere.

Tonight, a storm rages. Goku is off playing who knows where, and Sanzo finds himself approaching a small roadside temple, in undeniable need of some respite from his current lifestyle.

The monks huddle inside the building, listening to the crash of thunder as the wind rattles the old walls and rain pounds against tightly shut windows.

Visible in the illuminating flash of lightning, a young man appears at their gate, fair in appearance but wild and bedraggled looking, with eyes even more turbulent and intense than the storm. His blonde hair is soaked, plastered to his face. He wears only a pair of faded jeans, and a skintight black top with gloves to match. Wounds are evident upon the skin that remains uncovered. He looks _dangerous_. He looks _unlawful_. He almost looks _insane_. The monks are frightened, and would like to turn him away, but that is not a very compassionate or Buddha-like thing to do at all now, is it?

"Who are you?"

"_Genjo Sanzo_."

With these words, the young man flips back his hair to expose the crimson chakra upon his brow, and takes from a small pouch at his side a scroll, which he unrolls and drapes across his shoulders.

The monks gasp in sudden recognition. They can scarcely believe the truth in the young man's words, but the scripture and the chakra definitely speak for themselves.

With profuse apologies for not having realized immediately whom they were dealing with, the monks welcome Sanzo into their humble abode. He can barely restrain himself from the indignity of staggering across the threshold, and once inside he leans heavily against the wall, feeling sick and exhausted.

After his demands for stomach-medicine are met, and a much-needed bath, he allows his wounds to be treated, ignoring the rather concerned and puzzled looks of the monks as they wonder over the nature of the injuries. He ensures they do not ask questions by treating them to one of his more threatening looks.

Someone does risk a question, though, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Master Priest Sanzo, are you not traveling with three disciples? According to what we have heard, they are three very faithful followers. If this is true, we should have liked to have the honour of their presence as well. Perhaps it is merely a false rumour, then?"

Sanzo finds this more amusing than annoying, so he deigns to answer.

"I have but two companions. One is my own shadow, and the other is a beast of an entirely different nature."

"A… beast?"

"Never mind. The idea of absolute perfection is fundamentally beyond your understanding."

At such a response, the nosy monk decides it best to keep his mouth shut from now on.

Feeling much better already, and finally left to himself, Sanzo relaxes with a cup of hot tea, listening to the storm outside. He sighs, longing to satisfy a much-neglected addiction.

"I would _kill _for a cigarette right now."

He smiles at the idea, but for which part of the thought the expression is intended, either the cigarette or the killing, it would be hard to determine at this point.

XXX

Eventually, the monks gather together for the nightly chanting of the sutras, and Sanzo is of course invited to attend. He isn't sure why he agrees, but for some reason he finds himself sitting among the monks at worship, having been given a place of honour right up front by the image of Buddha. He does not participate, but merely lets the sound of the devout chanting wash over him.

Empty noise, that is all he hears. There is no truth here. No beauty. The only real truth lies in cleansing the soul of pain, utterly and completely and absolutely. There is no use in merely putting faith in religious devotion. The gods are not worthy of such trust, for they never grant such perfect freedom. He vows silently to himself that he will show the world the error of its ways. He will let the world taste from the cup of pure chaos, and watch as its sweet poison purifies the tormented and sorely misguided land.

He is not aware of how insane and disordered his thoughts have become, or how twisted his reasoning. He is only aware that the sound of the rain no longer haunts him, that he has finally been relieved of guilt, of sorrow, and that he feels _free._ He closes his eyes, focusing on the sounds around him. The chanting, the wind and rain, the thunder, the demonic shrieking.

_Demonic shrieking? _

He becomes instantly alert, though he does not open his eyes. Goku is coming to find him.

XXX

The chanting subsides around him as the ungodly howls continue, overpowering the voice of the storm, as the creature draws closer to the temple. The monks look around in alarm, some beginning to stand, looking frightened and uncertain.

Sanzo simply remains calmly seated, listening to the music contained within those shrieks, as Goku's song sings in his ears and in his heart.

Suddenly all goes dead quiet, except for the continuous clamour of nature, and Sanzo opens his eyes, gazing intently at the door. He calls out clearly to the gathered monks.

"Prepare yourselves for the ultimate blessing. The beast has arrived to bestow upon you his gift of perfect death."

The monks begin to stir.

"B-b-_beast_? What beast? What do you mean?"

In the next instant, the door comes crashing down, letting in the full force of the storm. Something else bursts its way through as well, something far, far more terrible.

For Goku has arrived in all his lethal glory.

Panic ensues, as the monks realize what is upon them. They try to escape. The old head monk is able to keep his wits about him a little better than the rest. He turns to Sanzo.

"You know what this beast is?"

Sanzo smiles.

"Yes. I was once his keeper, but the roles have since been reversed, and now, he will be your ending."

XXX

Sanzo watches Goku at play, as he gleefully slaughters his catch. When Goku is about to finish with his last toy, which happens to be the old head monk, Sanzo calls out to him. He has decided that it would be desirable if at least one survivor remained, to spread word of this miraculous occurrence. But he does not control Goku, he is not his master, and in the end it will be up to the demon whether or not anyone lives, Sanzo included. All Sanzo can do is try to divert his attention from the old monk.

Goku turns, his eyes flashing as he recognizes the one he is seeking. He leaves off of his victim, going instead to Sanzo's side. As always, Sanzo welcomes his approach, reaching out to accept the vicious thing. Goku's eyes glint again, and he grins deviously, before lunging at Sanzo and setting upon him with fervid greed. Sanzo's skin is torn as his clothing is shred to pieces beneath his demon mate's desire to demonstrate his affection and his possession. Sanzo screams and arches his body, accepting all that Goku wants to give, and offering all that he demands in return.

The old monk, horrified, thinks at first that he is witnessing the assault and violation of the most holy and revered figure of his faith, but as he watches, it soon becomes all too clear that the Sanzo priest is not in fact a victim, but a _willing participant_. The last thing the monk sees, before he wisely decides to make his escape, is an image that will haunt him until his dying day.

This is the sight of High Priest Genjo Sanzo, eagerly surrendering himself to a monster's lust beneath the stony gaze of the Buddha. High Priest Genjo Sanzo, chanting sacred words in a mockery of faith, punctuated only by his desperate cries of unholy pleasure. Genjo Sanzo, caught in an image of unearthly ecstasy and demonic delight.

TO BE CONTINUED


	14. Break My Empty Heart

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 14**

**Break My Empty Heart**

Sanzo and Goku. Between them, dark obsession is a mutual thing. For the untamed beast that Goku has become, his mad priest is the one living thing whose heart does not beg him to spill its blood with every tantalizing beat, and in fact, so entranced is he by its rhythm, that he instead wants to ensure that it will never _stop_ beating, and for his ears alone. Yet, strangely enough, Sanzo is also the one creature that would gladly offer him his life if it so pleased Goku to take it. The two of them thus find themselves bound together by a connection almost hypnotic in nature.

As Sanzo would describe it, together, the two of them are pure _perfection._

He often speaks to Goku of such things, though his ideas and way of expressing them are obviously not sane. His words are either whispered breathlessly while held mesmerized within those terrible eyes, sometimes sung softly when both are at rest, or let loose in a fevered stream of frenzied passion when Goku seeks to demonstrate his claim on Sanzo in a more physically demanding way. Goku does not comprehend the words, but he listens, and he seems to like what he hears.

Now, Goku is awake and at rest, nestled at Sanzo's side on the temple floor. All of his various appetites are comfortably sated, and the demon is content and relaxed. As he quietly observes the familiar creature lying next to him, his wild eyes gleam with pride and satisfaction. He amuses himself by tracing one claw over the pulse in the pale neck, marveling curiously at the delicate fragility of the living flesh and enjoying the feel of life radiating from the warm body. Sanzo, however, nearly comatose with exhaustion, remains oblivious to his touch. Goku huffs a sigh, sensing that the other won't be ready to move on for some time yet. So he spends a few more lazy minutes in tending to his sleeping mate's damaged and blood-stained skin, bathing and massaging with his tongue, and then rolls over and stretches, cat like, before shaking out his tousled mane of hair and heading outside.

On his way out, he pauses at one of the corpses in the room in order to tear off and provide for Sanzo a nice little chunk of meat, and then he slips through the door. If they're going to be sticking around here for a bit longer, then his task is to do a thorough patrol of the surrounding territory, making sure to clear any potential threat to his very, very pleasing yet rather high maintenance human consort.

XXX

When Sanzo awakens some time later, he groans involuntarily as he discovers that his entire body feels like one massive bruise. He's so stiff and sore, and it's so hard to move, that's it's as if he's been made into a permanent part of the temple floor. In fact, that had seemed to be Goku's sole intent at one point in their activities. But at the same time, although he hurts, he's never felt so _good_, so completely satiated with pure, undiluted bliss.

The pain he feels now is only physical, which can have its benefits, or even be enjoyable, whereas emotional pain is another matter all together. _That_ kind of pain is absolutely unacceptable and must be banished from the soul by whatever means necessary.

When he's finally able to peel himself up off the floor and force himself to stand on shaky legs, the storm from last night has long since passed, leaving behind a bloody massacre in its wake. At the sight of the meal Goku has set out for him, Sanzo discovers he has no control over his body's reaction as his stomach heaves, violently discharging its minimal contents. He wisely decides to pass up the well intended offering.

In a daze, Sanzo staggers his way through the bloodbath this part of the temple has become. It had not been his intent to inflict Goku's violence upon the monks here; he had simply been seeking relief from illness and in need of rest. In truth he had not bothered to stop and consider the possibility that Goku would come looking for him, even though that should have seemed a likely outcome. However, he feels no sense of guilt or remorse now as he makes his way through the slew of corpses strewn about the room.

He sincerely believes that they were each given the chance to experience a miraculous encounter with the very personification of perfection itself, before subsequently being granted a fulfilling and beautiful death. Besides which, he didn't really like these particular monks very much, anyway. He passes their mutilated bodies by now with nothing more than a cursory glance.

Oh, well. So much for his plan of having a nice, quiet temple retreat. As it turned out, Goku had much more interesting things in mind with which to occupy the night.

After preparing another bath for himself, Sanzo eases his pleasantly tortured body into its embrace. The hot water stings the fresh gashes in his tender skin, which by now has become a living tapestry of various cuts and scars, either self-inflicted or due to Goku's loving teeth and claws. Soon, the heat relaxes his aching muscles and soothes his weary body, and he just barely manages to drag himself out of the tub and into the room that was laid out for him before passing out into a very deep, very exhausted sleep, hoping to recover some of the strength lost to him over the past days.

XXX

Unknown to either Sanzo or Goku, the old abbot who had made his very narrow escape from death the night before had wasted no time in hurrying his way into the small town not far down the road.

Here, he had quickly spread his nightmare tale of horror, about a deranged priest and his bloodthirsty beast, depravity, murder and mayhem under a stormy sky.

"_The Sanzo priest has gone stark raving mad, falling in league with demons and bringing terror upon the land!"_

_"Genjo Sanzo, the legendary demon slayer himself, has fallen to such a state as this?"_

_"He is possessed! An evil spirit haunts his soul! It must be so, how else would one such as he allow himself to fall in with a monster like that?"_

The townspeople are terrified, for surely the mad priest and his monster will make their way into town and massacre the population here just as they had decimated the monks at the temple. They must do something to protect themselves, but what? How can they prevent a similar tragedy from striking them down in such a gruesome way?

_"We must hunt down the beast! We must drive the evil spirit out of the priest! We must set things right! We must save our town!"_

The townspeople become riled as they discuss the emergency. Finally, it is decided that they must hunt down the madman and the demon and take it upon themselves to protect the town from this unspeakable threat. So with a show of bravado and a rousing round of cheering, the people are instigated into action, and their plan of attack is set into motion.

XXX

By mid-afternoon, the organized demon hunting party from the village has made its way to the vicinity of the temple. They are frightened and nervous, but deadly determined to eradicate this new menace. They have resolved to stick together, be strong, and above all else, to succeed.

Unfortunately for them, they have no idea what they are up against.

When they reach the temple, the group splits up, some entering the building to search there and the others remaining to search the area outside.

Meanwhile, the abbot, who has decided to attempt his hand at trying to save Genjo Sanzo's lost soul with an exorcism rite, prepares himself for the procedure. The room they will use is the one where the terrible events had taken place the night before, still littered with the evidence of the crimes committed. He is afraid, for the villagers have not seen the demon with their own eyes, as he has. But he _must _try to help Sanzo. He considers it his duty and responsibility. He will not forsake the young priest's tormented soul by refusing to assist simply out of fear for his own safety.

XXX

Goku soon picks up the noise of the hunting party, perking up his head and smelling the air. A feral smile ignites his face. This should prove to be very _entertaining_. He begins to move to intercept his intended prey, unaware of the fact that he himself is the target of their pursuit, not that this knowledge would in any way serve to dissuade him from the game that he has in mind.

Inside the temple, Sanzo's deep sleep continues, rendering him so far unaware of the ominous proceedings taking place around him.

XXX

As the temple is investigated for signs of life, finally the search party comes across what they seek. Candlelight glows dimly from one small room, and they cautiously approach. What they see causes them to pause in hesitant surprise, for it is far from what they were expecting to find.

A mat is spread out on the floor, and lying upon it is a young man, lost in sleep and blissfully unaware of the presence of intruders.

_This _is the priest Genjo Sanzo? _This _is the man described by the old monk as a depraved lunatic, a homicidal maniac who cavorts with wild beasts? But he looks so vulnerable, so peaceful, so _beautiful. _Can it really be true?

The young man appears to be sleeping so soundly, that one of the villagers risks bending down at his side, reaching out to push the soft, golden hair away from the face to reveal the presence of the chakra. So it is true, then. The man takes a moment to regard the sleeping priest curiously, still finding the story hard to believe, and as he does so…

What's this? On the neck, are those…

Bite marks?

Pulling back the blanket reveals yet more marks on the fine skin, and the villager finds himself shaking his head at the sorry sight. Under the tense and watchful eye of the other villagers standing in the doorway, he proceeds to administer a mild tranquilizer, and then binds Sanzo's hands behind his back.

Bringing their catch with them, the group returns proudly to the old monk. He can't repress a gasp, remembering the last time he had seen the young priest, and in what circumstances. One villager has two objects in his hand, and sets them out for the abbot to see.

"Look, we searched his belongings and we found these. This is the sacred scripture you said he carries, right? And this… what is a _priest _doing with a _gun_? He really must be mad."

Working quickly, they tie Sanzo securely, and the abbot sets to work painting sacred spells for banishing evil upon Sanzo's body. He is nervous, but even so, he manages to keep his old hands steady as he works, and is able to focus on the task at hand.

"Do you see how the spirit has not only compelled him to consort with demons, but also to mutilate his own flesh? This is a clear sign of what we are dealing with. A _clear _sign. I'm _sure _I can help to free his soul, I'm _sure _of it."

Sanzo finally begins to regain consciousness, his eyelids fluttering. As his awareness kicks in, and he realizes that something is very wrong, he struggles desperately to fully awaken, forcing off the last traces of lingering sleep.

As his eyes open and come to life, the old monk and villagers find themselves faced with the full power of his intense gaze. There is pure madness in those uncanny violet eyes, and a terrifying calm. A cold shiver runs its way up the spines of those attending the exorcism.

One man speaks, in dreadful awe.

"Those eyes…"

The shaken abbot replies, his voice trembling in fear.

"Yes, why did I not see it before. Those eyes can only be the eyes of one possessed by the very spirit of evil itself."

The others gasp and look at each other anxiously, finding themselves unable to stare into those vivid pools of madness, for fear that their very souls will be torn apart and devoured in their depths.

Sanzo takes a moment to absorb his situation, and then a serpentine smile slithers its way onto his lips, his eyes gleaming wickedly.

XXX

Goku is almost having _too _much fun. So many victims to play with! What a delight! He had started out by stalking them stealthily, watching them in their attempts to route him out. He had amused himself at first by silently extracting someone from the edge of the group, dragging him into the bushes and ripping out his throat

_Oh_, the _joy_s of tearing open the living flesh!

His appetite wetted, Goku can't resist the impulse to make his presence known. With a bloodcurdling shriek, he tears into the midst of the searchers, sending them scattering in panic. He grins. Now the hunt _really _begins.

XXX

Sanzo begins to laugh, starting out as a deep chuckle and becoming a crescendo of gleefully evil tones, and then abruptly goes dead quiet. An uneasy silence hovers in the room, and then…

In a voice so low and dangerous that it sounds more like a growl than anything else, Sanzo addresses the old monk.

"You…you were given the chance to witness a true miracle, and _this_ is how you respond? Have you gained nothing from the experience? You are so fucking _pathetic. _I'd like to see you _try _your little so called exorcism."

The monk, shaken but determined, begins to chant, directing his assistants to set up holy incense in a circle surrounding Sanzo, to contain the spirit should it attempt to leave the body.

Sanzo spits vilely at them when they approach to do so, and they back away as quickly as they can.

The chanting continues, as the abbot raises his voice to try to drown out the vulgar and twisted language that begins to pour from Sanzo's mouth with ever increasing intensity. He curses them savagely in vivid detail, spewing out death threats and worse in a frenzy of verbal violence and abuse, all the while writhing against his bonds.

Sweat pours off of the old monk, the creases in his wrinkled face deepeningas he concentrates on trying to drive out the spirit, so that he can banish it from the world of the living and rescue the afflicted priest from his living hell.

Suddenly Sanzo stops his ranting completely, unable to continue and left panting from the effort.

"Is… is it _over_? Did you banish it?"

"I… I don't know."

Everyone peers nervously at Sanzo, not quite sure what to do.

Then Sanzo laughs again. This time, the sound is weak but genuinely amused. He raises his head.

"You think me _possessed_? By an evil spirit? What kind of bullshit is that? I'm not fucking possessed… and even if I were… you're not doing the spell right."

When his captors just gape at him speechlessly, he sneers in contempt at the extent of their ultimate stupidity.

XXX

Goku has hunted down and picked off his prey one by one, each time coming up with a new and more creative way to dispatch his latest victim.

Finally, when he is certain he has found the last one, he begins to head back in the direction of the temple.

XXX

The villagers attending the exorcism are increasing in excitement. The sight of the dead monks all around them has them frightened and horrified, and in their eyes, this Genjo Sanzo is becoming to look more and more like some dark angel of death.

Someone shouts out a suggestion, and a murmur of agreement rises up.

"Forget the magic tricks, let's just give him what he deserves for his crimes, he must be _punished_ for his sins!"

Someone grabs the gun.

"We can use his own weapon to do it!"

Sanzo grins again. The games are over and he knows just how to respond to this new threat.

"You desire an exorcism? Then I will grant you an exorcism, one so beautiful it is almost too good a gift for the likes of you."

Sanzo begins to chant, even as his gun is aimed in his direction.

Suddenly, an inhuman shriek pierces the air.

All colour drains from the old monk's face, scenes of last night's carnage inflicting his mind. Unable to contain his calm any longer, he turns and runs for his life.

The other villagers remain behind, uncertain. The gun is directed towards the door instead, its holder staring anxiously, waiting to get a glimpse of the beast.

Then, several things happen simultaneously in an explosion of chaos.

Sanzo finishes off his chant by shouting out the final words.

"_Makai Tenjou!_"

At the same instant, Goku leaps through the door, and the gun goes off, the bullet missing its intended target.

The Maten scripture unfurls in a flurry of activity, catching the gathered humans with its effect. They begin to scream, filling the already desecrated temple with the pure voice of terror.

Goku begins to scream as well, for he has not escaped the same fate.

The scripture lashes out with its power, fully released and utterly unmerciful, and the humans soon succumb, dropping to the floor like puppets with severed strings. Goku is still screaming in agony as it works against him as well, but his eyes are fixed upon Sanzo, and he determinedly approaches despite his pain.

Sanzo cries out as he realizes what is happening. Goku is caught in his attack. But Goku is still struggling to come to him. Why?

Finally, after what seems like an eternity in slow motion, Goku reaches the place where Sanzo is his claws he tears apart the ropes, letting their captive fall free. Sanzo catches himself on his hands and knees, watching helplessly as Goku screams again, collapsing to the floor and writhing madly. Without thinking, Sanzo crawls forward and grabs Goku under the arms, dragging the tortured creature out of range of the effects of the scripture's magic.

The room floods with silence as the scripture settles down. The only sound is that of the harsh breathing from the laboured lungs of the only two beings left alive in this place of tragedy and death.

Sanzo gazes down at Goku, as he holds the demon tightly in his arms, and as he does so a look of puzzled disbelief rapidly grows more pronounced on his face. Goku is looking up at him; his golden eyes are alight even as his body and mind still burn from the spiritual attack just received.

"Goku, why? _Why_? Why would you risk yourself just to come to me? _Why_? You must have felt it… how much danger you were in… yet you…Why? Why would you want to do that?"

As if in response, a very soft, shaky purr starts in Goku's throat.

Panic slowly creeps up on Sanzo, and it shows all too clearly even through the fire of madness burning in his eyes.

"No, no, no. I set you free, so you wouldn't have to feel it anymore, the _pain. _You are _perfect,_ Goku, you should be perfect. So why, why, why? _Why?_"

Something begins to crack now in the delusional reasoning that Sanzo has built up in his mind. For if a perfect being, one who has purified their soul by banishing all of its terrible pain, were to let another creature touch upon that pure unblemished heart, would that not pollute the perfection which has been attained? That attachment and care for another would only open up potential for a reawakening of pain, would it not? Because what happens if something where to happen to the one the heart holds dear?

The answer is _pain._

This is the very thing Sanzo had wanted to release Goku from in the first place, so, _why?_

For the first time since that day when Sanzo had awoken to a new existence blissfully free of pain, he feels _doubt._

One word begins to repeat itself wildly in his mind, like an endless litany with no response:

_Why?_


	15. Rebirth

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 15**

**Rebirth **

Inside the temple, death is everywhere. Sanzo is barely aware of it, so distraught has he become. Goku lies still, at rest and recovering, and the hours pass slowly as the dawn of a new day approaches.

As Sanzo sits with the demon, humming to him softly and stroking his wild hair, all the while his thoughts become more and more jumbled. A terrible restlessness gradually rises as his distress grows more acute. Eventually, he stands, pacing the room and muttering to himself incoherently, casting troubled, suspicious glances at his fallen companion.

His fragile reality is beginning to tear apart at the seams, and the resulting internal turmoil is intolerable. Unable to contain his growing sense of unease any longer, he falls to his knees, screaming and pulling at his hair with desperate fingers. Finally he collapses to the floor, curling up into himself and whimpering softly.

His world is breaking apart, and all because of his suspicions about the motives for Goku's actions. He suspects that his perfect Goku has sacrificed perfection for the sake of another creature, for _his _sake. The very idea is absolutely beyond belief in Sanzo's mind, as if Heaven were falling to earth before his very eyes.

As for Goku, his world has become shaky as well. Memories or thoughts will resurface in his mind for a moment, only to vanish in the next, and he is unable to grasp them. He feels like he should be able to, and he wants to, but they are too complex, to ethereal, and they seem to be always just out of reach. Desperate for something to hold onto instead, something tangible, he turns to Sanzo's presence, because that at least is one thing that is _real,_ and it comforts him.

Sanzo and Goku have effectively become mental time bombs, each struggling to hold onto some semblance of stability in a world that now feels as if it's breaking apart all around them, approaching an irreparable explosion.

Unable to withstand the pressure any longer, Sanzo rises to his knees and crawls over to Goku. Goku responds with afaint, choked gurgle as Sanzo lays a gentle hand upon his cheek

"Goku, listen, _listen_. I know what I have to do now. It's the only way, Goku, the _only way_. I will release you for real, and finally you will be free at last. I won't let you live like this, I won't. Oh, my little Goku, I'm so sorry you can't stay with me, but it's best this way, you'll see, you'll _see_."

He quietly rests his forehead against Goku's for a moment, and then gets to his feet. With a determined step, he fetches his gun from where it lies, and returns to kneel at Goku's side.

Slowly, gently, he presses the muzzle of the gun against Goku's head, and whispers a final, fatal farewell.

"I'll take your pain away now, my poor little Goku. I only wanted you to be free, but it didn't work, did it? But I can still help you … I can still set you free. It's so easy, just like this…"

His finger begins to press the trigger, but suddenly he pauses.

Time passes, and his hand begins to tremble as it holds the gun. He tries to force himself to shoot, but he finds he cannot. More time passes. His arm begins to shake, and before long his entire body is trembling with the effort of his internal struggle. Finally, with a cry of frustration, he raises the gun and fires the bullets out into empty space, one by one in rapid then, until, once more, the somber temple walls are forced to endure the sound of pain, as he just tilts back his head and _screams_. Long and hard he screams, until his throat is raw, until he no longer has any breath remaining, until he finally allows himself to slump across Goku's body, tears streaking his face.

"No, no, nonononono, why, why, why can't I release you, _why_? Goku,I… I can't do it… the pain… the pain won't let me, Goku, the _pain._ I feel it; I feel it inside, because… if I set you free, then… I'll be _alone_, won't I? I don't want you to leave me. Oh, Goku, it _hurts._ Why? I thought… I thought I was free, I thought I had washed the pain away, washed it all away forever. But you, because of you… "

Slowly he raises himself up again, to look deep into Goku's eyes.

"It's all because of _you_, Goku. _You _did this to me, didn't you? You put this pain inside of me, you _hurt _me. You are _not _perfect, Goku. You are _not._ And because of you… _neither am I."_

XXX

Barely even aware of his own actions, but filled with the sudden desire to escape, to get far away and use distance to break the link between Goku and himself, Sanzo gathers his things, reloads his gun, and heads out alone into the early morning light. As he walks, his resolve gradually begins to fall apart, and delirious confusion envelopes his mind.

Left behind in the temple, Goku comes to realize that the one thing he was trying to hold onto has just abandoned him. Anxiety unsettles him. Eventually, anxiety becomes agitation, and agitation becomes anger. After a time, he urges himself to his feet, and begins following Sanzo's trail in order to catch up with his wayward mate.

XXX

When Hakkai and Gojyo arrive at the temple,the first thing they notice as they approach is that the door has been busted in by force. This in itself is alarming, but once inside, they are silently stunned by the extent of violence that the gruesome scene represents. Grimly, the words fall from Gojyo's lips.

"This definitely has Goku's name written all over it."

As they make their way through the room, Hakkai's attention is caught by something on the ground. He grabs Gojyo's sleeve, and the other man turns.

"Gojyo, look. Bullet casings. Do you suppose… "

"Sanzo? But how? Goku should have turned him to mince meat along with the rest of the poor buggers in here."

"But yet, for some reason, it would seem that Goku _hasn't _killed him."

There is a strong note of hope in his voice, and it doesn't go unnoticed by Gojyo.

"Hakkai, in the end it doesn't matter one way or the other. We know what we gottado. Anyway, this didn't happen all that long ago. Whatever Sanzo's up to, if he's even still alive, if he's in cahoots with Goku or whatever, we should be able to catch up to them, since they seem to be following this same route. I say let's pick up the pace, get this thing over with before they do any more damage."

Hakkai nods sadly, even while conjuring up a smile.

" Let's go then, shall we?"

XXX

As Sanzo's trek continues, he becomes more and more desperate. His originally intended destination is almost entirely forgotten, his thoughts nearly panicky. His foot hits a rock on the track, and he trips and falls, crying out in surprise. He laughs at the sight of the blood on his scratched palm.

"No, blood doesn't work. Nothing works, nothing. Only… have to get away…"

He staggers to his feet, stumbling wearily onward, until the sound of a familiar growl stops him dead in his tracks.

He turns, and is faced with Goku's angry eyes. For the first time, he feels fear in Goku's presence. Sanzo begins to back away from the demon, shaking his head in denial and refusal, panic clutching brutally at his heart and restricting his ability to breath. He is not so much afraid of Goku, as he is afraid of how Goku is making him feel, afraid of the threat that Goku has come to represent to his distorted reality.

Previously, Goku had been perceived by Sanzo as a perfect being, a pure and god-like creature deserving of praise and blind devotion. Now, however, he has instead come to represent a mere illusion of perfection that has somehow concealed the truth, deceiving him while leading him down a path whose ultimate destination is only a constricting net of endless pain. He must escape this dangerous illusion, before it once again lures him in, injecting its poison deep inside his soul to work at melting the wonderful numbness his heart has found.

He must get away from Goku, _now_, before it is too late, before his heart melts completely.

Goku, through his muddled confusion, is aware that Sanzo is trying to leave him, and for the first time, he senses fear in his mate. For the first time, the heartbeat he has come to treasure no longer sings to him as it once did. Anger stirs within him. That heartbeat, Sanzo's heartbeat, it belongs to _him_. How dare his own mate try to take it from him now? How dare he attempt to deny him the connection he so desires? Suddenly, he lunges at Sanzo, knocking him roughly to the ground.

Pinned forcefully to the earth beneath Goku's body, Sanzo goes rigid with fear, and he is unable, _unwilling_, to look into those mesmerizing golden orbs. He does not want to become caught again within those beautiful, terrible, hypnotic eyes that he is trying so hard to escape from. Whimpering in protest, he shuts his own eyes tightly to block out the world, but it refuses to go away, it _refuses_, and all Sanzo can do is scream, and scream, and _scream_.

Goku reacts by sinking his teeth into his panic-stricken mate's throat, hoping to calm him in the only way he knows how. Sanzo does relax, almost immediately, as a new thought is triggered in his mind, a soothing thought that eases his fear and gives him hope. If only Goku will take his life, then that will prove that the demon's heart is still free, after all. He will be able to redeem himself, to keep his perfection, and everything will be all right. Everything will be fine.

Sanzo's breathing settles and his racing heart slows its pace. Goku's teeth remain embedded in his throat. Sanzo reaches out, resting his hands upon Goku's head.

"Goku… please help me… my Goku… I thought we were finally free… but you _hurt _me, Goku, you _hurt _me. You can still… make it right. Just… release me… _please…_"

Sanzo pushes down on Goku's head, trying to get him to deepen the bite.

"_Please set me free_."

Warm blood wells up in Goku's mouth, and he swallows it down, savouring the taste of his mate's life essence. The bite seems to be having the desired effect of easing the panicky creature, quieting him so that now he is not screaming but speaking softly in that voice that Goku has come to crave. Sanzo tilts back his head, causing the demon's teeth to shift in his flesh, and breaths a sigh of relief when Goku adjusts his hold on his throat, sinking deeper, and some blood is allowed to escape. Sanzo _wants_ this, Goku can feel it, but…

Goku always knows the limit of how far he can go, of how deep he can take it; he knows just how much damage Sanzo can withstand without it causing any real harm. And Sanzo always wants it. Never before has Sanzo denied him, by trying to get away from him, to leave him behind. Goku wants to punish his mate this time, just a little, to let Sanzo know that he won't just let him abandon him. Sanzo belongs to him; he has no right to leave him like he did. As his bite increases in depth and pressure, Sanzo relaxes even more, and the pain inside begins to be forgotten.

All too soon, Goku loosens his hold, and withdraws his attack. He feels better now, his anger satisfied, and he begins to lap up the steady flow of blood from the wound.

Sanzo's heart sinks. Goku has forsaken him yet again. Goku is _not _perfect, and… and neither is he.

As the realization settles in, the urge to escape is stilled. There can be no more denying the ugly truth. Instead, acceptance washes over Sanzo in a cold, harsh wave, and when the initial shock passes, nothing is left remaining but certainty. This certainty is equally cold, but so very, very calm and crystal clear.

"Goku, I'm so sorry. I was wrong. In the end, there is no such thing as… perfection. There is always only pain. I can't… even release you, because it hurts. And you won't help me, because it hurts _you, _too. There's only one way left, but you can't come with me this time, Goku. I'm sorry."

With these words, he places one hand upon Goku's brow, and, amidst a burst of golden light, Goku's coronet is restored to him, as is his human form. He falls forward, his head resting under Sanzo's chin.

Sanzo calls Goku's name, softly and repeatedly, until his voice finally reaches the boy, and dazedly he lifts his head.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo smiles faintly.

"Goku. I wanted you to know… that I was wrong, all this time I was wrong. I thought… I thought we could be free together, but… it didn't work. _Nothing_ worked, and there's only one path left now."

Goku struggles through a haze of confusion to sort out where he is and what's happening. The last thing he can remember clearly is…

But Sanzo is here now, and he's trying to tell him something, isn't he? What is he saying? Goku focuses on the sound of Sanzo's voice, letting it pull him out of the fog that his mind is floating in, concentrating, listening as if his life depends on it, as if _Sanzo's_ life depends on it.

So intent is he on this voice, that he does not even hear the arrival of the jeep. He does not even hear Gojyo and Hakkai calling out to him.

All he hears are Sanzo's last words to him, as the man aims his gun at his own chest.

"Goku… perhaps… _death_ is the only way, after all. My freedom, my final release."

The meaning of the words still escapes Goku, but he has the vague sense that something is wrong, very wrong.

"Goodbye, my little monkey. I hope you find… your own way."

With a bang of finality, the gun goes off.

As the blood, wet and red, spreads across Sanzo's chest, Goku comes back to himself a little, and part of him understands.

"Sanzo?"

The world comes rushing back, though still distant and out of focus. Dimly, he becomes aware that Hakkai and Gojyo are there at his side.

"Hak… kai? Sanzo… hurts… too much… red…_pain…_"

Something comes over Hakkai, then, a sudden impulse, and he doesn't stop to second-guess it. He just reacts, ignoring Gojyo's half-hearted words of reason.

"Hakkai, it's over. Let it be. You can't…"

Too late. Hakkai already has his hands over Sanzo's wound, the healing energy doing its work.

Despite everything, Gojyo lets himself hope.

The terrible wound is closed, but the shock to the bodyis too great. Sanzo's heart has not started to beat again. He is dying, slipping away, and then…

He is gone.

XXX

_Heaven, five hundred years ago._

Konzen Douji has been troubled by dreams. In these dreams, he sees himself, only somehow it isn't really himself that he sees. This strange dream world where this image of his own self lives, it seems so real, and it frightens him.

At the moment, he is not asleep, but he is still frightened, although the reason has nothing to do with any dream. At the moment, the dreams are forgotten, and he is more awake then he has ever been.

Now, he is frightened because he is about to die.

Pandemonium swirls around him in a chaotic sea of commotion and violence. All he can do is watch, horrified, as Tenpou and Kenren are cut down before his very eyes.

He has never seen so much blood. He has never seen death. Heaven is ancient and gods are immortal, and Konzen Douji is afraid of death.

Even more than of death, he is afraid because Goku is being taken from him, _taken _from him, and all he can do is scream the boy's name over and over, even as he is forced to his knees. Still he calls to Goku, desperate, afraid, calling as if his voice were a lifeline, and he is struggling to make it reach.

But the sword descends, despite his efforts, and the name is cut from his throat and washed away with a fountain of blood.

He has died, and what's worse, he has left Goku alone…

Konzen's soul, now banished from its body, exiled from heaven, floats away into a world of darkness. Here it drifts, suspended, just waiting, waiting…

Until…

XXX

Hakkai wastes no time. He pushes Goku out of the way, and Gojyo helps by taking the boy into his arms. Resorting to traditional first aid techniques, Hakkai works desperately to restore Sanzo's breathing and heartbeat. Finally…

Sanzo's heart jumps, and he takes a gasping breath of air into his lungs. Life is restored. Sanzo's soul, which was beginning to drift away, comes rushing back to find his body again, except that something isn't right. Although death has cured the sickness that has so twisted his soul, the damage has already been done, and cannot be erased. The result is that something else is erased instead, and the crimson chakra upon his brow, the mark of one chosen by the gods, quietly fades away.

Something else is wrong as well. _His soul is not alone_.

For at the moment of Sanzo's rebirth, something happens in that dark place where, as Konzen, his soul is drifting. With a violent jolt, it is torn from its sleep, and ripped into a place and time it was never intended to go. The entire soul of the universe is jolted along with it, because this was never supposed to happen, should not be _able_ to happen.

The earth has only ever had one sun, and Konzen Douji and Genjo Sanzo were never meant to co-exist.


	16. Therapeutic Touch

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 16**

**Therapeutic Touch**

Hakkai and Gojyo have never felt so lost, and yet, at the same time, so relieved.

Yes, they have their companions back, but do they really have them back? Or are Sanzo and Goku so changed, so damaged, that they aren't even the same people they once were? If not, what happens now? Doesn't that bring them back to their original problem? If Sanzo and Goku are beyond saving…

But for the time being, they allow themselves to hope that perhaps everything will be all right, and they are thankful that they had arrived at the tragic scene in time to save Sanzo's life.

Sanzo's physical condition has remained stable, but they have no idea what to expect from him regarding his still questionable mental stability. Consequently, they have decided it best to place him under strict control and observation. The gun, of course, was confiscated, and his room contains absolutely nothing he could possibly use to either harm himself or anyone else.

As for Goku, he seems to be traumatized, lost somewhere inside his own mind, and nothing they have tried has been able to snap him out of it. With Goku in such a fragile mental state, and Sanzo unconscious, Hakkai and Gojyo had just loaded them up into Hakuryu and headed for the next town.

XXX

When Sanzo awakens, the first thing he feels is emptiness. So empty, that he thinks he must be dead. He remembers wanting to die, wanting to be free. He remembers pulling the trigger. He remembers…

_Dying._

The next thing he feels is the pain. All the pain he had temporarily escaped from is back full force, with the same old wounds, and the same old ache. So he is not dead, after all.

Next, the realization of recent events sinks in. Horror. Shame. Guilt. What has he _done_? What was he _thinking?_

Disappointment. Why couldn't he have just _stayed_ dead?

Confusion. Why _isn't_ he dead? What happened?

He sits up in bed, clutching at his chest. No wound. No blood.

Suddenly he becomes aware that he is not alone in the room. He startles. Hakkai. Only Hakkai. Then that means…

Sanzo closes his eyes as he realizes what must have happened. Hakkai's voice reaches him softly.

"You're awake. How do you feel, Sanzo?"

How does he feel? He feels… dead.

"Why, Hakkai? Why didn't you just let me go?"

"Do you really wish you had died?"

"I _did _die. You shouldn't have brought me back."

Hakkai moves his chair over closer to the bed. For a moment he just sits quietly, regarding Sanzo seriously. Finally he speaks.

"Sanzo, someone once said to me: 'You can kill yourself if you want to, but your death will change nothing. However, there are some things that _will _change if you are alive.' Now, who might have said that, I wonder?"

"Don't get cute with me, Hakkai. I'm not in the mood."

"Then, would you prefer I got _ugly_? That could be arranged, but the results might not be very pleasant."

Sanzo slumps back down on the bed, turning his face towards the wall. A moment of silence fills the room, and then he breaks it with a quiet question.

"Goku?"

"He's not doing very well, I'm afraid. He seems to be in a state of mental shock. I don't know if it has to do with the length of time he was changed, or…"

"It's not that. He was caught in the attack, the Maten scripture."

"You attacked him?"

"_No_, not… not intentionally."

"I see. Then, I suppose we don't really know if he will ever fully recover."

"He's strong."

"Yes, he is. But what about _you, _Sanzo? Will _you _ever recover? Sanzo, I'll be honest and to the point. I don't know if you're aware of it, but you're very sick. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally ill. Gojyo and I… you've been lost to us, but now that we've got you back… we don't know if we can trust you again. We can't trust you not to turn against us, not to harm others, not to harm yourself, or… or even Goku."

"I won't hurt him again."

"No, you _won't._ And if you _do, _I'm afraid we can't stand for it."

As if totally defeated, Sanzo's body seems to melt even deeper into the bed.

"Sanzo, there's another strange thing. We don't know what to make of it, but… your chakra, when your life was restored, it vanished."

With this piece of information, Sanzo goes tense and sucks in his breath.

"Sanzo. Things may seem difficult, but we're here to help you get through it. We won't give up on you so easily, so that means you can't give up either. I think you're stronger than that. Besides, you'd be wasting our efforts if you just quit. If you're willing to go through the process of recovery, if you're willing to let us help, then maybe… just maybe you _can _get well again. But you'll have to understand and accept that Gojyo and I will be watching over you. You can't be trusted to be left uncontrolled right now. I'm sorry, Sanzo. I hope you understand."

It takes a moment for Sanzo to work himself up to asking his next question, and when he finally gets the words out, his voice sounds so weak, so broken, that it takes Hakkai by surprise.

"Goku... can I see him? My lit… Goku."

"Yes. In fact, your name is the only word he's said. You seem to be about the only thing he can focus on at all. So, probably it would do him good to see you. We wanted to wait until you were awake first, and until I'd had a chance to speak with you."

"Hakkai… I need… to see him."

"I'll bring him in, now, then."

When the door clicks shut behind Hakkai on his way out, Sanzo hesitantly touches his forehead. Nothing but smooth skin greets his fingers.

The discovery fills him with a terrible sense of emptiness and failure, of total worthlessness.

So, he is dead, after all. Genjo Sanzo has died, and now he is nothing.

XXX

Gojyo is sitting at the table, absent-mindedly shuffling a deck of cards when Hakkai enters the room. Goku is just sitting at the table as well, staring vacantly off into space. Gojyo puts down the cards to ask about Sanzo.

"So, how is he?"

"Quiet. Subdued. I don't know, I think it's too soon to tell. He wants to see Goku, though. I think it would be all right."

At this, Gojyo turns to Goku, trying to put enthusiasm in his voice.

"Hey, Goku. Did you hear that? _Sanzo_ wants to see you. Do you want to go visit _Sanzo_?"

Immediately, Goku perks up.

"Sanzo?"

"Come on monkey, let's go see the stinking monk."

XXX

When the three of them return to Sanzo's room, Sanzo has seated himself on the edge of the bed. As soon as Goku catches sight of him, his golden eyes go huge, and he just stares for a moment, as if he can't believe that Sanzo is actually here.

Sanzo returns the stare, surprised at how dazed and out of it Goku looks, and he feels concern gripping at his heart. Finally, without thinking, he reaches out his arms towards Goku, and calls his name softly. Goku blinks, and in the next heartbeat, quickly finds his way into Sanzo's embrace, mumbling his sun's name against his chest, tears beginning to stream down his face.

Sanzo looks down at Goku, and he wonders. How could he ever have thought that that _other_ Goku was so perfect? How could his way of looking at things have become so distorted, that he could have lost sight of the truth so easily, so completely? For now, looking at the boy he holds in his arms, he can't help but feel that _this_ Goku is the most precious, most beautiful thing that he has ever seen.

Almost unconsciously, Sanzo finds himself whispering words of comfort, resting his head against Goku's.

"Goku, my little Goku. Shhh… don't cry."

Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a look, totally not expecting to see this display of affection from Sanzo. But he and Goku look so close together, desperately clinging to each other, comforting each other, that they can't help but breath a sigh of relief, and be glad.

XXX

Goku had refused to leave Sanzo, so they had decided to risk letting them stay together. Perhaps Goku needs Sanzo's presence in order to recover, in any case.

Left to themselves, Sanzo and Goku just curl up together, holding each other close, and without thinking, Sanzo finds himself speaking to Goku softly in the way he has become accustomed to during his insanity.

"Goku, we still have each other, don't we, my little monkey? Even after everything, and I won't hurt you ever again. I know how wrong I was, Goku. Nothing worked, nothing, and now all I have is you. I died, again, and I don't even know… who I am anymore, except that you're here. That's all that matters now, Goku, my Goku. Only you. You have to help me, help me to learn how to live again, because I can't do it alone. I can't. We'll help each other, now, okay? My little monkey, my Goku."

XXX

Over the next few days, Goku recovers, coming back to his senses, and soon, he seems almost normal again, except for the fact that he's a little quieter, a little more serious. But he has awakened to the world again, and all seems well.

Even though Hakkai and Gojyo would prefer to allow Sanzo and Goku a little more time to rest before heading out, they decide it best not to stay in town for too long. The people here are disturbed and frightened over recent events at the temple, and they would rather not run into any trouble. So ready or not, they hit the road.

Apparently, Sanzo seems to have developed an eternal restlessness, constantly fidgeting and on edge. He feels almost naked without his gun, which has not been returned to him. Although he had himself destroyed the priest robe he had been wearing when he and Goku had gone outlaw together, he now refuses to wear the spare that had been left with Hakkai and Gojyo, opting for just the jeans and shirt. He smokes twice as much as he ever did before, made difficult by the fact that he isn't allowed to keep a lighter on his person unless under supervision. Hakkai and Gojyo don't want him trying anything funny with fire.

He's being treated like a criminal, and he feels like one too. It hurts, but he knows he deserves it, after what he's done, and he has no right to object.

XXX

A quiet night on the road finds the foursome stopped to camp until morning. The next town isn't far, but they've decided to take it easy in order to avoid any unnecessary stress.

Even so, Sanzo finds himself unable to sleep, the restlessness eating away at his mind. He tries to focus on Goku, lying close at his side, but gradually the nagging emptiness that has been bothering him builds up into what seems like a great chasm, a pit of nothingness that threatens to swallow him whole. It becomes unbearable, and he just can't lie still anymore. Overcome by a sudden, desperate urge to do something, anything, to fill this hole inside, he slips away from Goku and quietly goes to search through the supplies, digging out a knife. Almost without thinking, he sits in the grass, and starts to cut into his arm. The sense of relief is almost immediate, until…

"Hey."

_Gojyo._

Sanzo startles and momentarily freezes, feeling like a rabbit caught in Hakuryu's headlights. Quickly, he snaps out of it, realizes what he's doing, hides the knife behind his back and starts to stand, wanting to escape Gojyo's accusing glare. Gojyo's not having any of it. In an instant, Sanzo finds himself restrained, pressed to the ground beneath Gojyo's weight.

Gojyo is looking down at him with anger and disapproval stamped hard on his face. But something about Sanzo's expression makes him soften his glare. This isn't like the last time, when he had confronted Sanzo about his self-injury before. Sanzo's attitude is way different. This time, Sanzo is upset; disturbed that he was caught in the act, uncertain as to his own behaviour. Gojyo sighs, most of his anger being replaced with concern.

"What are you doing, Sanzo, huh? What do you need this for? Is this some kind of sick comfort for you? Or do you just do it for kicks? Huh? Is it the pain you're after, or the blood? "

Sanzo makes no move to respond, just lying tense as if he would bolt as soon as Gojyo were to let him up.

"If it's the pain, then I'm afraid you'll just have to get that little addiction out of your system, unless you'd care for a good punch in the nose to knock some sense into you, cause that could be arranged. If it's for the blood, well, I can help with that. Anytime you need a fix, all you have to do is just look deep into my eyes. There's enough blood red in there for the both of us. I don't mind sharing. If it's for comfort, you can find comfort in so many other, much nicer ways. I can help you with that, too.We're all here for you, Sanzo. Whenever you need us. Always. It's about time you realized that, Sanzo. You're _not alone _in this world. Stop _acting_… like you _are_."

Gojyo takes Sanzo's hand and removes the knife from his grip, tossing it aside. Sanzo has his head turned away, avoiding eye contact, looking anxious and discomfited. Looking down at his stubbornly averted gaze, Gojyo has the sudden urge, the _need_, to get through to him somehow, to _make_ him understand that he isn't alone. He takes Sanzo's chin in his hand and turns his face, wanting Sanzo to at lest _look_ at him, to _acknowledge _him. Sanzo responds with rejection.

"Don't… don't touch me."

"Don't touch you? You mean I don't get a kiss this time? Why can't I touch you? Are you that fragile, that you'll break if I touch you? Or am I just that revolting? _Or_, or is it _you_, that you feel so _poisonous_, you think anyone you touch is gonna get hurt? Is that it, Sanzo, huh? Are you afraid you're gonna hurt someone?"

Sanzo is silent for a moment, and then he surprises Gojyo with a confession.

"Gojyo… what am I? Who am I? I don't know anymore. I feel like… nothing. An outcast, a _failure_. I can't… it _hurts_."

"So you want to cut the pain away? Is that it? Or do you still want to die? Would that make you feel better? What would you do if I gave you your gun back right now? Would you blow your heart out again, huh? Or would you make it the brains this time, just for good measure? Would you do it right in front of Goku again, while you're at it?"

Sanzo closes his eyes tightly, as hurt washes over him in waves.

"Yeah, you _should _be ashamed. You're _sick_, Sanzo. Sick inside, and you're just gonna have to get used to living with it, cause we won't let you take the easy way out. Besides, that's not like the Genjo Sanzo I know. The Genjo Sanzo I know is as tough as nails."

"Genjo Sanzo… is dead."

"Funny. You don't look dead. Plus, I don't usually make a habit out of having conversations with corpses. So, I'd say you're alive, and I'd like to make sure you stay that way. So no more knives, okay? Remember what I said. If you need help, I'm here. We're all here for you."

Almost reluctantly, Gojyo lets Sanzo up. Any urge to fight or flee seems to have been taken out of Sanzo, and he just sits dejectedly. Gojyo sighs, making himself more comfortable on the grass, and lights a cigarette, taking a long drag. Wordlessly, he offers the cigarette to Sanzo, and just as wordlessly, the offer is accepted.

Silently, under a rising moon, a single cigarette is shared between two reluctant friends, one small act of comfort in the depths of the night.

XXX

The next couple of days are uneventful, and they soon arrive at the town.

As always, Goku sticks close to Sanzo's side, and the two are allowed to room together at the inn. Sanzo's unease has been growing steadily, and he finds himself unable to refrain from pacing across the room. Goku watches him curiously, wishing Sanzo would just relax. At the same time, though, he has learned to accept that Sanzo is different now, that his mannerisms have changed, even as he himself has changed. They've been through too much damage just to expect to go back to being the people they once were. Goku is okay with this, and he doesn't even know if Sanzo is aware of it or not at all.

Suddenly, Sanzo throws himself down on the bed next to Goku with exasperation, and then sits up and looks at Goku seriously. He has something important to tell Goku, but when he tries to explain, he can only do so confusedly, and Goku finds himself shaking his head in bewilderment as he listens.

"Goku, listen, _listen_. When I died, something happened. I know you don't remember your life at all before the cave, but the fortuneteller, what she was helping me with was trying to figure something out, about my past life. Who I was. Listen, Goku. In my past life, I knew you. We were together even then. That's why we are together now. Do you understand? That person I used to be, his name is Konzen, _Konzen_."

"Konzen?"

"Yes, yes. Maybe… maybe you don't remember him, but… but somehow, he's a part of me… now. I don't know how, because we are the _same_, the same soul, the same person, only _different_. How can there be two of me? I don't know, Goku, I can't answer this, but I can _feel_ his presence, inside. And I know that there's a _reason_ for it. Konzen has to do what I can't, because Genjo Sanzo is dead. _Dead_. It's up to Konzen, now. You have to help him, Goku, you have to help us both. Do you understand?"

"No."

Sanzo frowns in frustration, looking hard at Goku.

"Just remember what I've told you. I'm sure you'll know what to do when the time comes."

"Sanzo, what do you mean you're _dead_?"

"I mean I'm not really a Sanzo anymore, so… so you shouldn't call me by that name."

"Well, then what _should _I call you?"

"I don't know."

"Then… hey, does this mean I get to give you a _new_ name? Cool!"

"Silly monkey. I'm not a pet that you can name."

"Well, you get to call me monkey all the time, so it's only fair. How about I call you… "

Sanzo looks at him doubtfully and somewhat sulkily, still annoyed with himself for not being able to explain things clearly.

Goku is studying Sanzo intently, and as he does so, a fascinated, dreamy eyed look spreads over his face, and he reaches out to touch Sanzo's hair.

"How about I call you… Sunny. Or maybe… Shiny. Or, how about just plain _Beautiful_."

Sanzo looks away, a pink tinge colouring his scowling face. Goku laughs, and Sanzo looks at him sharply, snapping out an irritated inquiry.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Cause for once I'm not the one doing the blushing."

Sanzo frowns even harder.

"Silly, I'm not blushing."

"Oh, yeah? Coulda fooled me. But I like it. I'll have to make you blush more often."

Sanzo's cheeks flush a darker pink, and Goku giggles again, moving to lean against Sanzo.

"Goku, can't you ever take anything _seriously_? I'm trying to be _serious _at the moment"

Goku giggles yet again.

"No. 'Cause I'm a monkey, remember? You said monkeys aren't supposed to be serious, they're just meant to have fun. Do you… do you remember the night you said that? It was when you were hurt. You said lots of other weird stuff, too, and I didn't understand half of it, but… you asked me to _kiss_ you. I understood that part. I remember what else happened after that, too."

Goku looks deep into Sanzo's eyes, and is rewarded with another blush. In the next instant, all the annoyance and frustration falls from Sanzo's face, and he looks downcast, as if he's just given up on something, or remembered something very sad.

"Goku, I'm...I'm not… I'm not the same person I was, before all this happened. It's like… my soul is scarred, now. I died. Genjo Sanzo died. I don't know who I am anymore. I think… I'm nothing now. I think I must be dead, Goku. I think I must be _dead_."

Goku's teasing mood vanishes upon seeing how broken Sanzo has suddenly become. He pledges silently to himself that he will make it his number one priority to fix Sanzo, to make him whole again.

"Sanzo, you're hurting again, aren't you."

Sanzo just looks at him with pain filled eyes.

"Sanzo, I'll help take the pain away, but _this_ time… this time we'll do it right. I'll show you, that healing doesn't have to hurt."

Goku leans in to give Sanzo a kiss, but Sanzo pulls away quickly, looking alarmed.

"Goku, how can you… after what I've done… how can you even want to… _touch_ me, how can you ever _trust _me again? I've… I've had _your_ blood on my hands, Goku, and _worse_. I… I _violated_ your soul, when I changed you."

Goku just smiles.

"Shhh… Never mind that, just let me make it better."

Again, he leans in for a kiss, and again Sanzo pulls away.

"I… I _can't_… Goku, my heart… my soul… there's nothing there but dead space, and pain. I don't want to hurt you again."

Goku looks at Sanzo solemnly. Gently, he places his own hand on Sanzo's chest over his heart.

"Sanzo, your heart is beating. I can feel it, I can hear it. I know you can too. And maybe, maybe its true that every single beat feels like its tearing you apart from the inside out, but hurts can be healed. Hakkai healed your heart when it broke before. Together, you and me, we can fix it again. Your heart, it isn't just an empty shell. Let me show you. All you have to do is let me in, let me _inside_ your heart, and I'll prove to you that it isn't empty, that it isn't dead. Because how… how could I… how could I… _love _something… _so much _if it didn't even _exist_?"

Sanzo stares at Goku.

_Love?_

Love… 

How could Sanzo have been so blind? All this time, was he so lost in the shadows of his own inner darkness that he could not see the truth? A truth that shines brighter than the light of a million suns, a truth stronger than the revolution of a hundred worlds in orbit, a truth so powerful, that when it finally hits him, it feels like a _supernova of the soul_. It feels _right._ For once, something actually feels _right._

For Sanzo and Goku, this is a moment of profound revelation, a moment when worlds collide.

Sanzo, as cold, hard and dead as he believes himself to be, is still only human, after all, and humans are not made of steel, and even stone can break. He's so tired of _hurting_.

Sanzo takes a ragged, shuddering breath, feeling more vulnerable and exposed in this moment than he ever has in his life, as if Goku's golden eyes are burning right through to his soul, and melting past all the barriers he's built up around it. A single tear escapes from one violet eye, and streaks down one pristine cheek, like an iceberg finally learning how to melt.

To Goku, this is the most beautiful sight he has ever seen. He smiles warmly.

"See? You don't need to use blood to wash away the pain. That's what tears are for."

Goku leans in again, lips so close but not quite touching, and Sanzo finds himself holding his breath. He holds it for what seems like an endless eternity, because this solitary breath is the only thing that is holding him together. In this endless moment, there is only the beating of their two hearts, two broken hearts, on the verge of bursting. And Sanzo knows that if he releases his breath, then his heart _will_ burst…

And he knows that if he allows his heart to burst, then Goku will find the way inside, and he will not be able to stop him. He will not _want_ to stop him.

But Sanzo is only human, and no human can hold his breath forever.

_Release._

Sanzo pulls Goku to him, and captures his lips in a kiss that is so much more than just a kiss. And, as his Goku lowers him down gently onto the bed, Sanzo lets his tears fall freely.

For he has let Goku inside. Inside his heart, inside his body, inside his _soul_.

Without the blade or the blood, or the need to hurt, there is just warmth, and touch, and two hearts beating as one beneath soft, scarred skin, and two bodies striving to give as much as they gain. For once, pain is forgotten.

So the sun and his earth become one in the night, and for them, it is…

_A whole new world. _

If there _is_ such a thing as perfection, Sanzo and Goku have finally found it at last.

TO BE CONTINUED


	17. Poison For A Cure

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 17**

**Poison For A Cure**

Awakening sometime in the hours before dawn, Sanzo finds himself dressed in nothing but his own skin, his body entangled with Goku's equally naked form. Still only half awake, but with a growing sense of unease that had disturbed his sleep, he lets himself bask in this little paradise. Goku is so warm, and he feels so safe here, so _complete._ Strange. When he had first reached out his hand to that lonely, imprisoned creature those years ago, and watched as the chains fell away, he never thought that some day, that same creature would be reaching out to _him_, and breaking his own chains. Who would have thought that he and that boy would end up together like _this_? If anyone had ever suggested such a thing at the time, the very idea would certainly have earned them a lovely bullet hole. But _now_… it just _is._

Goku has proved that he will be at Sanzo's side no matter what happens, however dark or how difficult the situation. He has effectively given himself to Sanzo heart and soul. But Sanzo wonders; how is he worthy of such devotion, such pure faith? What does he have to give in return? The answer is _nothing_, and it chills him. He _is_ nothing. What's more, he has been reduced to a weak, dependent, useless, worthless bundle of sensitivity and uncertainty. He had even been _crying _for goodness sake. And what for? For Goku? No, for _himself_. How very _pathetic_.

Goku shifts slightly in his sleep, snuggling closer, as if in reassurance. Sanzo hesitates a moment, and then accepts the comfort offered, relaxing into it. A part of him, the part that is lonely and aching, wants so much to just lose himself forever in this golden embrace. Oh, yes, that part wants to hold his Goku close and pretend that everything is fine, to lock himself away within this golden heart with matching eyes, eyes that will find no fault with him, not ever, because this is were he belongs, and will always be welcome. But, another part admonishes him and tells him that this can never be, and demands that he listen and take action, before it is too late.

So he has let Goku inside his heart, and Goku says he will prove that it isn't empty. Foolish. Goku is too trusting. He will only end up getting lost inside the endless darkness, and in the process, become tainted, wounded, until perhaps one day it will even be enough to kill him. Yes, perhaps Gojyo is right. Sanzo _is_ poisonous. Anyone he lets inside to touch upon the toxic substance of his heart will only end up getting hurt.

He has already hurt Goku enough.

Genjo Sanzo is dead. The person he is now is just an empty shell, without even the false pretences of importance that Genjo Sanzo wore upon himself as a mask to hide his inner worthlessness. Whoever he is now, he is utterly unworthy of Goku's love. Yes, he must set Goku free, release him from the constricting bonds of misguided devotion that have captured him. He must set _himself_ free from the weakness that is rotting the last vestiges of his remaining strength. For if he gives in to Goku, to the promise of comfort so offered, he will lose sight of the truth, the truth about himself, and Goku will suffer the consequences.

He disentangles himself from Goku, taking special care not to waken him. If that were to happen now, he may very well lose his resolve. He pauses for a moment to look upon Goku, and a tiny smile threatens the corner of his lip as he admires the peaceful expression on the sleeping demon's face. Then all traces of the smile are gone, forced away like swallowing bitter medicine. He leans down to place a ghost of a kiss upon Goku's lips, and another upon his brow, and then he disengages himself completely from the welcoming embrace and leaves the inviting warmth of the bed. Goku mumbles something in his sleep, and Sanzo looks back, feeling the nearly irresistible pull to climb back into those arms, but instead he turns, gathering together his discarded clothing and pulling on his jeans.

He seats himself down at the table, alone in the dark. After a short time, he notices that he's tapping his fingers silently on the tabletop, and that he's bouncing his leg restlessly. In annoyance, he forces himself to be still, only to find himself doing it again a moment later. How has he allowed himself to become so unsettled? Where is his self-control, his inner strength, his will power? Ah, yes, it must have died along with Genjo Sanzo. He chokes back a dejected laugh.

Automatically, he reaches for his cigarettes, only to remember that he has no way to light up. He slams the package down on the table with a snort of disgust. Disgusted with himself. He removes a cigarette from the pack just to give his hands something to do, tapping the stick against the table top in a meaningless rhythm. He reaches in his pocket again, pulling out something else. Bullets. He snorts in disgust again. So he has been reduced to this. Cigarettes without fire, bullets without a gun. A face without a name, or perhaps a name without meaning. A priest without a shred of holiness. _Former _priest, for Genjo Sanzo is dead, he is _sure_ of it. All that remains is emptiness, worthlessness, and… _Goku_.

Why does Goku stay? Can he not see the truth? Even Gojyo and Hakkai can see it. That he is no longer worthy of trust, that he is _poisonous_. Why can Goku not see this? He doesn't deserve Goku. Goku isn't even _safe_ with him. He'll only end up getting hurt, one way or another. He can't allow that. He must conjure up whatever scrap of strength he has remaining and clean up the mess of things that he has made. He must try to put things right.

With a sigh, he leans his head down on the table, and closes his eyes.

XXX

In the morning, Goku stretches as he opens his eyes. He is happy. So very happy, because his Sanzo has finally let him in, finally broken down his stubborn walls and let him in. Goku had offered his love, and it had been accepted. He turns his head, wanting to look upon the face of the sun, but Sanzo is not beside him. Oh. He must be up already. Somewhat disappointed, Goku yawns and sits up in bed, running his hands through his hair and blinking to clear his bleary eyes. He sees Sanzo sitting at the table, and smiles a greeting.

"Morning."

Sanzo does not look up. He seems to be completely engrossed in the useless activity of replacing a stack of cigarettes, one by one, back into the package from which he had removed them.

"Sanzo?"

Still Sanzo does not even acknowledge him, until a moment later one of the cigarettes he is playing with rolls over the edge of the table and onto the floor. Sanzo bends to retrieve it, and as he straightens up again, his eyes meet Goku's. For a moment he just looks at Goku wordlessly, expressionlessly. Then he blinks and turns back to his task.

Goku swallows uneasily. What's up with Sanzo? His eyes look so cold, so distant. What is he doing over there with the stupid cigarettes, anyway, when he could be curled up in bed over here? Why won't he say anything? Is something wrong?

As for Sanzo, he had avoided looking at Goku because he knows that if he looks at the boy, his heart may very well waver, and display its profound weakness to the world. When he had finally looked at Goku, he had been pleased with himself for managing to keep a straight face. Oh, his little Goku, he's making it so _difficult_, looking so pleasing sitting there in the cozy bed, shamelessly displaying all of that skin. _So _difficult, with his sweet little sleepy face and his hair attractively mussed up just so, golden eyes blinking themselves awake and sparkling with merriment, _all for Sanzo_. Sanzo knows how he must deal with this. He must harden his aching, empty heart, and be _strong_.

"Goku. Get dressed. You're indecent."

"Huh? Indecent?"

"I said, get dressed. Now."

Frowning, Goku slips out of bed and collects his clothing, looking at Sanzo worriedly. The blonde just turns his head, stubbornly averting his eyes so as not to give in to the temptation that is Goku. Goku pulls on his jeans and then sits on the edge of the bed. He squints in puzzlement as he notices that the ashtray is full of mutilated, un-smoked cigarettes.

"Sanzo, what's up? Are you okay?"

So much open concern in that voice, so much care, so much innocent trust and hope. Sanzo almost breaks because of it. _Almost._ His shoulders shake slightly in a silent half-sob, half-laugh. Then he gathers together the remnants of his wayward self-control, and concentrates it into a dose of pure poison, preparing to inject it into his target's heart.

"No, Goku. I'm _not_ okay. I'm not."

He looks up at Goku then, is eyes full of dark intent, and he steels himself against the melting pot of gold that greets his gaze.

"Sanzo?"

"What do you want from me, Goku?"

Goku feels his heart growing cold, as a numb disbelief spreads its way inside. Sanzo's eyes, his voice, his words. Is he… no. No, it can't be. After what they shared, what they've been through. Goku thought he had finally reached through to Sanzo, now _this?_ Images of last night flash before his eyes. Sanzo, opening his heart. Sanzo, accepting his comfort, letting him hold him, returning his touch. Sanzo, letting in the warmth. Sanzo's hands, his lips, his _tears_. Sanzo had _cried._ It had taken so much to bring them to this point. So much pain. Now _this?_ Why, oh _why_? Why _this _now?

In desperation, Goku stands and goes to Sanzo's side, kneeling beside his chair and resting his hands on Sanzo's leg, looking up into his hard gaze. Sanzo's sharp words cut straight through the sincerity of Goku's eyes and touch.

"Well? I asked you a question, Goku. What do you want from me?"

His speech is precise and careful, as if he has to force each of the words to come out in such a way that they won't choke him in the process. Goku tries to respond, but any answer he might have given dies in his throat.

"I…"

Sanzo snorts derisively.

"I took you from the cave. I gave you a life. I gave you freedom. Isn't that enough? What more do you need? I didn't _ask_ for you to come into my life. I don't _need _you. I don't _need _anyone. Just because we were together in a past life, why does that mean we have to be together now? I don't believe in destiny, or fate. I set you free, now it's _your _turn to set _me _free, Goku. Set me free of the obligations born of the past. We don't _owe_ each other anything. "

"Sanzo, what… what are you trying to say? I don't know what you mean."

"You never do, little monkey, you never do. And now it's too late, it's over. Did you think you could just… _manipulate… _our relationship any way you pleased, and everything would turn out all right? Everything would go on as if it were okay, according to your very own design? Well I'm not okay, Goku. The person I was is dead, and there isn't anything left alive inside that's any good. I have nothing to give, _nothing, _except for _pain_. You deserve so much more than that, my little monkey."

"But Sanzo, I thought…"

"You thought wrong! There's nothing left."

"But Sanzo… I… I _love_ you."

For a moment, just a brief flicker of the eyes, Sanzo looks uncertain, as if caught off guard. Then the moment is gone. Sanzo pushes down his hesitation and narrows his eyes. He lets a cold, false smile play briefly across his lips, lips that inwardly want to tremble and relent, and kiss Goku senseless, but instead only offer words of rejection.

"Hmph. Monkey play. Silly. Goku, I'll give you one last thing. Let it represent me, and all that you can ever get from me. Accept it."

With this, he takes up a package, and removes an object, struggling to restrain the shaking in his hesitant hands. He takes Goku's hand from its place on his leg, and places the small object into his palm, closing his fist around it. Then he stands, and settles himself stubbornly by the window, idly distracting himself by digging his nails into the flesh of his arm.

Behind him, Goku opens his hand to look at the object Sanzo has placed in his hand. What he sees pierces him like a shot to the soul.

Lying in the palm of his hand…

Is a bullet.

XXX

Cold and hard. Just a lifeless implement of pain. A bringer of fatal wounds. An ending.

Goku feels huge, stinging tears building in his eyes, and at first he thinks he should deny them access to the world. Sanzo wants things sterile and harsh, after all. Not messy and emotional. Sanzo doesn't want his tears. He doesn't want him to cry for him. He doesn't want him to _feel _for him. Why? Because he thinks he cannot return those feelings? Because he does not _want _to return them? Because he _doesn't _return them? Goku is confused, Goku is hurt. Goku's world is closing down. Goku is _shattered._

A tear does escape, after all. Trembling precariously at the edge of one eye, and then making its descent. Down, down, down. Goku is not aware of it. His mind is beginning to retreat into a dark, faraway place, a place where there is no light, where only the light of the sun can reach to pull him out, except that in this case, the sun is the very thing that has cast him into these shadows in the first place.

Sanzo resists the urge to scream, or to smash his own head into the wall over and over again, just to do something to drown out the horrible silence in the room behind him. He does not want to hear Goku's whining and complaining, but he does not want to hear this _silence_. He does not want to hear Goku cry, or see his tears, but he does not want to hear this awful _soundlessness._

Suddenly, his heart leaps in his chest, piercing him with a sharp, stabbing pain. He cries out, clutching his chest, and stumbles against the wall. The pain continues, searing through him, and seems to spread from his heart to his limbs, to his head, to his entire body. All thought is wiped from his mind, and replaced with nothing but awareness of stinging, burning, blinding _pain._

He collapses to the floor, writhing in agony, each beat of his heart pumping white-hot pain into every fiber of his being. He can't breathe, and finds he can only gasp uncontrollably, his throat constricting, his body tensing and convulsing as his vision goes black. He reaches out numbly, one hand grasping blindly and unknowingly in Goku's direction. But Goku is so lost inside himself now, falling into that damaged refuge that has been burnt into him by the spiritual attack he had suffered recently, that he is not even aware of Sanzo's pain, or that Sanzo needs his help.

XXX

Just at the point when Sanzo feels as if his body will burst apart into its individual molecules due to the unspeakable physical torment ripping through him, he finds he is finally able to take in an unrestricted breath of air. The terrible pain has subsided, and he begins gasping and panting desperately in an attempt to recover. He closes his eyes in relief, while unknown to him, the chakra upon his brow has returned. When again he opens his eyes, his vision has cleared. But it is not as Sanzo that he now views the world.

For Konzen has awakened.

TO BE CONTINUED


	18. Rise and Shine, Fall and Fade

My Sun, My Supernova

**Chapter 18**

**Rise and Shine,  
****Fall and Fade**

Konzen has awakened.

Awakened amidst searing pain, pain so severe he cannot breath, cannot even see. He is aware of nothing else but the pain, until finally, these effects subside. Lying on the floor, gasping in order to restore his breathing rate to normal, heart still pounding in his chest, awareness slowly returns. Confusion, disorientation, and the lingering ghosts of past events still wailing through his mind all come to his attention.

Pushing himself up into a sitting position, he struggles to get his bearings. The last thing he can remember is the battle. With a sick feeling he remembers watching Tenpou and Kenren die. That had been real, much _too _real. He remembers trying to protect Goku, wanting to keep him safe above all else, his care for the boy almost overpowering in its intensity. Yes, he had come to care for Goku that much, without even realizing it, until it was too late. He remembers…

With a gasp of panic, Konzen reaches for his throat, and calls out Goku's name into the strange room where he now finds himself. His voice had been stolen from him. His life had been taken as well. And Goku. His Goku had been taken from him, his protection denied to the boy.

Now, there is no blood, and he can hear the sound of his own voice calling out. He can see his body; feel the solid floor beneath him. He is _not_ dead. But then, what had happened? He had felt the sword in the instant before his life was extinguished. He had _felt _it. He had been so afraid, _terrified._ Now…

Still feeling shaky, one hand upon his throat, Konzen takes in his surroundings. What is this strange room? It feels so… _real_. His eyes sweep over the room, and stop dead when they see Goku. Any attempt at trying to make sense of his situation comes crashing to a halt. _Goku_. Goku is here, and he is _safe. _They are not dead, and Goku is _here._

He blinks, blind relief gradually clearing into puzzled concern. Something is different. Something is _wrong._

This is Goku; there is no doubt of that in his mind. But… this Goku is different because he is not the child he remembers. This Goku is a young man. And something is wrong because Goku is staring straight at him, but not _seeing _him. His golden eyes are vacant, lost, and dead to the world. Konzen calls his name again, a note of desperation in his voice. When he gets no response, not even so much as a flicker, he crawls towards Goku. When he reaches him, he gives the slumped shoulders a shake. Goku may as well be a lifeless doll for all the reaction that he can get out of him. No amount of shaking or calling has any effect. Konzen feels panic beginning to overtake him, and even anger will not tame it. He slaps Goku across the face again and again, but still there is nothing. _Nothing._ Has Goku been taken from him after all? Is this a nightmare?

Tears begin to wet Konzen's cheeks. He is so afraid, so confused, so _helpless, _and Goku is…

He throws his arms around Goku's vacant body, holding him close, never wanting to let go again. _Not ever again_. He whispers Goku's name in a tightly constricted voice, a voice that never again wants to be restrained from calling out to the creature he has come to love. If nothing else, then at least he will not let Goku out of his sight again. Not this time. No matter what happens.

For Goku, the familiar, comforting presence and embrace of the one he loves, this special warmth and light that he craves more than anything else, gradually sinks into his awareness, and he _wants_ to let it in. But to let it in, he must reach for it. To reach for it, he must be awake. So he awakens. He blinks, and mumbles Sanzo's name. At the sound, Konzen pulls back, frowning with concern into Goku's eyes.

Goku looks back at him, looking for reassurance in those violet eyes, looking for acceptance. What he sees is worry, and fear. Faced with this, Goku wants to retreat, he wants to hide, and so his mind begins to slip away again. Renewed panic flares up in Konzen, and he pulls Goku back into an embrace, speaking words of reassurance, begging Goku to stay with him, just to _stay _with him, promising not to leave him again. Goku hears, and he responds. This is the comfort his soul demands, the spiritual antidote for which he yearns. The waking world envelops him once again, and he is back. He returns the embrace, soaking it in like medicine.

Eventually, a sense of calm settles on the two. Konzen tentatively breaks his hold, in order to check on Goku's condition. He breathes a sigh of relief upon seeing that Goku is still with him, and apparently much recovered.

"Goku. What happened? Why are you…"

"Sanzo? I… I'm sorry. I only wanted to… but I hurt you again, didn't I? You're right. I guess nothing works. But… I thought I could help. I'm sorry, Sanzo, you don't _want _my help."

"Goku, what are you babbling about? You aren't hurt, are you?"

"_Hurt_? I… no. Sanzo, _you_ were hurt. I thought I could help heal you. Don't you _want_ to be healed, Sanzo?"

Konzen shakes his head, trying to understand what Goku is saying, confusion bubbling up again.

"Goku, I think I _was_ hurt, but I'm fine now, I'm fine. But what happened to you? Why are you like this?"

"Like… what? I still don't know what you mean, Sanzo. And… I don't care about past lives or whatever. I just wanna be with you _now_, in _this_ life."

For some reason, an ominous shiver runs its way up Konzen's spine.

"Past…lives? Goku, what are you talking about? Why do you keep calling me that name, _Sanzo_? It's me, _Konzen_."

"Kon…zen?"

Goku shakes his head slightly, and reaches out, almost hesitantly, to touch Konzen's hair, searching deep within his eyes for answers to the confusing mess presently swirling in his mind.

"Konzen. Sanzo. The same, but different. Sanzo said… Konzen is here with him. Sanzo said… I was with Konzen in the past. He said…"

Konzen listens, and then questions Goku, seeking answers which, somehow, he feels he already knows.

"Goku, who is this Sanzo? Does he have something to do with why you look like this? Goku?"

As Goku gazes into Konzen's eyes, something suddenly seems to click. This is Sanzo, but why does he somehow not feel like the Sanzo he knows? This is Sanzo, but also… _not_ Sanzo. Sanzo's words from last night come back to him, when he had spoken of Konzen. Goku hadn't understood, then. But Sanzo had said that he would _know. _Yes, he _does_ know. This man, this isn't his Sanzo. No, this is _Konzen_, from long ago. This isn't about memory; those memories have been lost to him for so long. This is about a feeling, and about simply _knowing._ This is about a connection so deep that it goes _beyond_ time and memory. This is _truth_.

"_Konzen… _I _know _you. Konzen. It's… it's been so long, I thought I'd forgot. I _did _forget. Konzen, Konzen, Konzen. How could I ever forget?"

Tears begin to fall from Goku's eyes. The reason for the tears is so mixed up, that he can barely even place it. Part sorrow, and part joy. All he finds he can do is throw his arms around Konzen's neck.

"Konzen! I _missed_ you. Even if I didn't know what I missed, I still _missed _you. Then Sanzo came, and he _is _you, but _not_ you, and I _forgot. _I still forget, but I know I _know _you. I _know _you, _Konzen, _I _know _you"

"Goku… where are we? What happened?"

"You died, Konzen. I didn't, but I waited for you. I waited, and waited, and you came. As _Sanzo, _you came. I don't understand much, except this. Something happened to Sanzo, and you came back. That's why you're both here now. Sanzo said… Sanzo said you came back for a reason, and that I had to help you. I had to help you so you could help him."

"How long… was I gone? How long did you wait for Sanzo?"

"I don't know. Years and years, I guess. Long, _long _time. I was alone. But you _did _come. You _did."_

"Goku, I...I'm sorry. I never meant to leave you. But of course I would come back. I would always come back."

As Goku cries, Konzen gently strokes his hair, pondering over everything that has been said, and although he is still confused, he knows the truth behind these words. He remembers too the strange dreams he had been having, and this Goku looks just like the Goku in those dreams.

"Goku, I'm here now, for whatever reason. And… I think… I think I can feel this Sanzo… somewhere inside. He's confused, but he wants me to help. I'll try to listen, I'll try to listen to you both."

A sudden knock at the door makes them both jump, and a second later, the door opens to admit Hakkai. He pauses in surprise at seeing the occupants of the room both sitting on the floor together.

"Oh, am I interrupting something? I'm sorry, but we're ready to go down for breakfast now."

Konzen stares, and _stares_. Tenpou! But, he had seen Tenpou killed. Yet here he is, alive and well.

"Tenpou?"

Goku looks quizzically at Konzen, observing his reaction to Hakkai's appearance.

"You knew Hakkai in the past, didn't you? Konzen, listen. He isn't the same person. Whoever he was, that person died. He's Hakkai now. Do you understand?"

Konzen turns to look at Goku, trembling with emotion. He looks back at Hakkai, and nods his head.

Intently, Hakkai observes this strange interplay, hiding his concern behind a friendly smile. He hasn't missed the fact that Sanzo's chakra has returned, and that Goku had called Sanzo _Konzen, _the same name that Homura had always used to address him. What's more, Goku's words to Sanzo sound completely bizarre, and yet the both of them seem to be taking it very, very seriously. Also, Sanzo and Goku both appear to be in a state of emotional arousal, as well, almost as if they have just been through something very significant, or even traumatic. This isn't looking good, to say the least, especially after what he and Gojyo had discussed earlier.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo had heard a rumour, a piece of information in circulation, about _Sanzo_. Apparently, the story of the temple massacre in the previous town had already filtered this far, during the time in which they had spent resting in the other town. Genjo Sanzo is being called a madman, a terror to humans and a friend to demon kind, a bringer of darkness who will summon death in his wake. These rumours, they know, they will soon outrun, traveling faster than they can spread. But still, is it _wise _to allow them to spread, without doing anything to allay these fears? What can they do, though? Besides, unfortunately, they are _true. _Hakkai and Gojyo don't know the details of everything that happened at the temple, but what they do know does not paint a very pretty reconstruction of how events may have played out there.

What they know is that for some reason, Goku had not killed Sanzo, and the two seem to have been traveling together. Goku had obviously been responsible for most of the deaths at the temple, for the monks were literally torn apart. But the other bodies, those of the villagers, they were untouched. Sanzo had said that he had used the scripture in an attack, in which Goku had accidentally gotten caught. Putting two and two together would seem to indicate that Sanzo himself had been responsible for killing the villagers. This is a very disturbing thought.

They still wonder and worry over Sanzo's mental condition. His behaviour now is different than it was, as he hasn't tried to turn against them or attack anyone, but yet he definitely isn't himself. Now, they would like to make an attempt at countering the vile rumours, perhaps dissuade the truth before it becomes ingrained in the minds of the locals. It would not do to have rumours of his insanity reach the ears of those behind Gyuumaoh's resurrection. Yes, Yaone knows, and therefore likely Kougaiji does as well. But perhaps… the power _behind_ Kougaiji has not been informed of the success of the attempt to corrupt Sanzo's mind. It would be too much to ask that Kougaiji has not passed on this information, but Yaone had stated that they were not a party to the plan, and did not approve of it, so perhaps…

In any case, in order to disprove the rumours, they need Sanzo sane. They need him to make an appearance that will demonstrate good mental health. Is this possible? At this point, probably not, and that leaves only one solution, if rather a reluctant one.

Hakkai must take on the task of impersonating Sanzo.

XXX

Goku quickly leads Konzen through the routine of getting ready to go, providing him with a hushed and brief explanation of current circumstances as they do so. Then, he silently takes Konzen by the hand, leading him towards the door where Hakkai is patiently waiting. Goku implores the blond with his eyes to remain quiet. As the two pass by Hakkai, Konzen can't help but stare at the dark haired man, eyes as wide as saucers, taking in all the differences between him and the god he once knew as Tenpou.

When they arrive at the breakfast table, Konzen reacts to Gojyo in much the same way as when Hakkai had appeared, and is very noticeably shaken. He can't refrain from staring alternately at all three of his companions, not eating until prompted by Goku, at which point he will take one bite, and then resume his staring. Eventually, this routine creeps Gojyo out enough that he can no longer hold his tongue.

"Hey, Sanzo. What's your problem?"

Gojyo is far from pleased with the answer that he gets.

"You're… you're not _dead._"

Goku looks up in sharp disapproval, and Gojyo narrows his eyes suspiciously. Gojyo can only assume that Sanzo is referring to the fight that had ended up separating them, and suddenly he finds his appetite waning.

"No, of course I'm not dead. It's gonna take more than that to kill me off. Sorry if that _disappoints_ you."

Sensing a tense situation, Hakkai attempts to diffuse it before it gets out of hand.

"Now, now, Gojyo. Lets just enjoy being alive while we eat breakfast _quietly_, shall we?"

The crimson-eyed half-breed tears his eyes away from Konzen's wide-eyed gaze.

"Yeah, whatever. I think I just lost my appetite, anyway."

Goku tugs on Konzen's shirt, whispering a reminder into his ear.

"Hey, Kon… I mean, _Sanzo_, remember what I said. They won't understand, so you hafta _pretend, _okay? Don't worry, I'll help you."

Konzen nods slowly, before his eyes again wander in Hakkai and Gojyo's direction, and Gojyo rolls his eyes in exasperation.

XXX

After breakfast, Gojyo lights a cigarette, and tosses the lighter to Konzen, who just barely manages to catch it.

"Go ahead and have a smoke, Sanzo, but you know I still need that back after."

Konzen stares at him, dumbfounded, his lip curling up in distaste at the idea of smoking.

Goku frowns a little, considering. Then he reaches into Konzen's pocket for Sanzo's cigarettes. He takes the lighter from Konzen and lights a stick, offering it to Konzen.

"Here, you'd better just take this. You probably don't even know, but you're addicted now, so it'll be easier this way."

"You… you mean… I… he _smokes?_"

Goku giggles as he watches Konzen cringe in disgust.

"Yeah, I know it's a weird habit, but he's hooked bad, so just do it and get it over with, kay?"

Konzen shakes his head in adamant refusal, staring at the burning cigarette as if Goku had just offered him a writhing worm to snack on.

Sighing, Goku shrugs, and then grabs the back of Konzen's head, holding him in place as he sticks the cigarette in his mouth by force. Taken by surprise, Konzen gasps, inadvertently sucking in the smoky air. As he does so, he realizes that the effect is not entirely unpleasant, and that it seems to ease the craving for _something _that had been nagging at him, and was especially triggered as soon as Gojyo had lit up his foul cigarette.

Reluctantly, Konzen accepts the cigarette, and grumpily, unhappily, finishes it off. Gojyo watches this whole scene in fascinated disbelief, nearly forgetting his own cigarette's existence entirely.

XXX

After the cigarette incident, Hakkai takes Konzen and Goku back up to their room, telling them that he and Gojyo have some minor business to attend to before they head out. Once in the room, he speaks to Goku.

"Goku, would you come out into the hall with me for a moment? I want to have a word. Sanzo, we'll only be a moment. Please wait inside."

Hakkai leads Goku down the hall a little ways, and puts his hand on Goku's shoulder.

"Goku, I wanted to have a word with you about how you're doing. Are you and Sanzo getting along all right?"

He looks squarely into Goku's eyes, expressing his concern but not allowing himself to appear at all worried.

"Sure Hakkai. I'm fine, and we're getting along just great."

"I'm glad to hear that, Goku.We haven't discussed this with you, but you know Sanzo isn't well, mentally. Something happened in the village with the fortuneteller. She did something to his mind, and it damaged him."

"So, the fortuneteller… Hakkai, I've been tryin' and tryin' to help, but it's so hard, and nothing _works_. I don't even care if he's… _different… _I just… I just can't stand to see him _hurting._ Hakkai… "

Goku lowers his head, hurting on Sanzo's behalf, remembering he and Sanzo's last exchange, just before Konzen had appeared. He also can't help feeling somewhat guarded around Hakkai, not entirely trusting his friend enough to disclose all he knows and feels regarding Sanzo, for whom he has become very defensive, and for whom his loyalties now lie first and foremost. In this present uncertainty concerning Sanzo, and now Konzen, all he knows is that he is on Sanzo's side, no matter what. Hakkai, he now knows, _and_ Gojyo, are potentially a threat to him, if they come to consider Sanzo a threat. He won't allow anything, or any_one, _to threaten _his_ Sanzo. Not even Gojyo or Hakkai.

"Goku, I'm sorry. I don't know if Sanzo will ever fully recover, but if we all help him, then maybe he has a chance."

Hakkai's words are like dull, meaningless echoes in Goku's ears, as they continue to flow sluggishly into his mind.

"Goku, I don't know what happened between you and Sanzo when you were on the road together. Did Sanzo do anything to frighten you, or hurt you, before you lost your limiter? I couldn't help but notice the scars. If you want to talk about it, I'm always here to listen. You're not alone, Goku. Goku?"

"I'm fine, Hakkai. We're fine. I took care of Sanzo the best I could, and… Even now, I know Sanzo is still there, inside."

Goku looks up, meeting Hakkai's eyes.

"Thank you for asking, and if I need to, I'll talk. But I don't. Need to, that is. I'm good. I can handle this. Sanzo is Sanzo."

He nods his head definitively, forcing a smile to his lips. Hakkai offers one in return, but doesn't press Goku any further. Hakkai sees him to his room, and the door clicks shut. To Hakkai, no sound has ever seemed so _sad_, as the sound of that door closing. It represents the wall that has grown up to separate Goku and Sanzo from Gojyo and himself, and perhaps, perhaps it is a wall that they will never be able to fully dismantle, no matter how hard they try.

TO BE CONTINUED


	19. Heaven on Earth

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 19**

**Heaven on Earth**

Gojyo adds the final touch with one dab of red ink on Hakkai's brow, and, a brand new Genjo Sanzo is born. He stands awkwardly for a moment, dressed in Sanzo's robes, as Gojyo does a last minute inspection.

"Not bad, Hakkai. Or should I say, _Sanzo?_"

Hakkai's smile is more like a grimace as he replies.

"Ah, I really must admit that I don't feel comfortable doing this. It feels almost… _blasphemous_ in a way, not to mention the fact that we're acting behind Sanzo's back."

"Yeah, well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? It's for his own good. Besides, since when has _Sanzo _ever been against a bit of blasphemy?"

"Well, we'll soon find out if I can pull off this impersonation all the way."

"Hey, you'll do fine. Sha Gojyo guarantees it."

A shadow seems to pass over Gojyo, suddenly darkening his lighthearted optimism.

"Hakkai, do you think some of Sanzo's craziness is starting to rub off on Goku, or something? Is that even possible? It's just…with the way they were both carrying on earlier… and _Sanzo_… Sanzo's falling _apart_, man. He didn't even know he _smokes_, for fuck's sake. What's up with _that_? It's… it's _scary, _y' know? We're really losing him, and I'm not ashamed to say it's damn _scary_."

For a moment, Hakkai does not respond, as he again replays in his mind the scenario from breakfast.

"Hmm. If I were to hazard a guess concerning Goku… It is true that his mental stability may have been detrimentally affected, however… I would almost have to say that he has simply fallen into whatever method works best for him when trying to deal with Sanzo's circumstances. Goku is doing his best to cope, while at the same time trying to guide and hold together an apparently increasingly confused Sanzo."

"So… you mean… you think he's just playing along with Sanzo's little delusions? But… how much longer can they go on like that? How bad is it gonna _get_?"

For this, Hakkai has no answer, and simply shakes his head.

XXX

Not surprisingly, Hakkai is able to pull off a fairly decent impersonation of a Buddhist monk. With his polite and friendly demeanour, it isn't difficult for him to leave a good impression on those he comes into contact with. Perhaps his performance is lacking Sanzo's charismatic persona, but never the less it seems to prove satisfactory for their intended purposes.

They had debated over the matter of whether or not Gojyo should be seen with him. It wouldn't make their task of discouraging the nasty rumours any easier if anyone were to recognize his demonic heritage, but on the other hand, it's more sensible to travel as a pair than to have Hakkai work alone, due to the possibility of enemy attack. Especially since they have no idea what kind of plans the enemy may be brewing in regards to the psychic attack against Sanzo. Then there is also the question of leaving Goku and Sanzo behind at the inn. So far, Sanzo hasn't shown any indications that he's planning on running off or doing anything truly bizarre or dangerous, _yet, _but if he _does_, it's pretty safe to assume that Goku will be right on his heels. They can't trust Goku to be able to talk any sense into Sanzo, and can't be sure if he would even make the attempt.

In the end, they decide to take a chance, and Gojyo simply covers the telltale colour of his hair by tying a bandanna over his head.

XXX

The trip west is about to resume, and the four travelers gather together outside in preparation to depart. Hakkai and Gojyo observe with alarm how jumpy and confused Sanzo appears to be, as he practically clings to Goku like some kind of a lifeline. They stand by uneasily and watch as Goku is even forced to convince Sanzo that it is really okay to ride in Hakuryu turned jeep.

After this curious exchange, Hakkai gets Konzen's attention, and holds out to him a cloth item.

"Sanzo, would you please wear this headband? It'll conceal your chakra and help disguise your identity."

At this point, tired of having weird things shoved in his face in an even weirder world, Konzen's confusion becomes readily tinted with irritation, and he ends up crossing his arms and snapping at Hakkai petulantly in response.

"Hmph. _Why_?"

"Well, because it would be best not to attract any unnecessary attention to yourself right now."

Gojyo chooses this moment to sidle up, resting an arm on Hakkai's shoulder. The chance to add his ten-cents worth in this situation is just too good to pass up.

"_And, _because we say so, _Sanzo_. No headband, no lighter. How's that for a deal, huh?"

The half-demon follows his remark up with a crimson wink.

Anger flares up behind Konzen's borrowed eyes, but, still too shaken to easily express himself, it quickly dies down into merely an indignant glare. Finally,Goku comes to the rescue.

"Here, Hakkai. _I'll_ do it."

He takes the headband and quickly ties it around Konzen's head, pauses, and then spends an extra moment in arranging the beloved blonde locks around it until he's satisfied with the final results. When finished, he offers Konzen an encouraging smile, not stepping back from the close proximity required for tying the headband.

"There. Now we _all_ have one. Well, I guess mine's a little different, but still, we're close enough."

Looking rather doubtful and disapproving, but none-the-less resigned to his headband fate, Konzen averts his eyes from Goku's gaze, which is presently fixated on him. There is _something_ in Goku's eyes that he has never seen there before, something deep and intense, something that burns with a strange kind of fire, so very different from the childish devotion he has come to expect. Suddenly, Konzen finds it makes him feel both uncomfortable and excited all at once, and his sense of confusion multiplies tenfold in response.

Turning away from Goku and those mysteriously mesmerizing eyes, Konzen mutters a retort.

"It's not like I _want _the damn lighter anyway."

Goku just laughs lightly.

"Yeah, right, and _I _don't wanna eat more than one bite per meal! Come on!"

He grabs Konzen by the hand and leads him to the jeep, the two of them settling into the back seat together, much to Gojyo and Hakkai's surprise at the sudden change in seating arrangements. Gojyo finds himself tentatively taking the front seat, almost as if expecting to find a gun pressed up against the back of his head for such a transgression. Strangely, he is almost _disappointed_ when Sanzo makes no complaint.

XXX

The abnormal level of silence in the jeep is almost eerie. Gojyo longs to break it, but the entire atmosphere is so different now, that he does not even know how to go about it in a way that won't just make things worse. He merely falls into the routine of passing back the lighter every time he himself uses it, and Goku is always the one to take it from him on Konzen's behalf, Konzen himself still stubbornly refusing to participate that readily in the unwanted activity of smoking. The occupants of the front seat watch curiously in the rear view mirror as Konzen each time resists the offered cigarette, only to eventually give in when the addiction gets its way. As an experiment, Gojyo even tries withholding the lighter, only to have Goku request it from him.

Not once does Goku whine about being hungry or make any complaints whatsoever. He and Konzen will occasionally talk together in low tones, and appear to be quite absorbed in whatever it is that's going on between them.

Eventually, Konzen, strained from the overwhelming turn of recent events, and not used to living in a mortal body in the lower world, simply falls asleep, leaning against Goku. Goku sighs, wrapping his arm securely around his treasured companion. He has been trying to remain calm for Konzen's sake, but now, given the chance, he realizes how shaken he really is. He finds himself glad of this opportunity to just relax, without having to constantly attend to Konzen.

Sanzo's rejection this morning had been bad enough, and now with having to deal with Konzen's sudden and unexpected appearance as well, Goku is weary, shocked, and just plain stressed out. As he lets his mind drift freely now, he spends some time unsuccessfully trying to conjure up any actual memories of life before the cave, life spent with Konzen. He eventually gives up, deciding that it doesn't really matter anyway. Konzen is here now, and he _knows_ who he is even if he doesn't have any actual memories. It's like the memories _are_ there, only invisible. He can _feel_ them, but they just can't be _seen_. A spark of happiness ignites in his heart. He actually has a chance to see Konzen again, to rekindle that relationship from so long ago. The opportunity is a golden one, indeed, an opportunity as bright as the sun itself.

However, in the next moment his thoughts are with Sanzo, and that spark of joy becomes a flame of sadness and worry. When will he see Sanzo again? What will become of their relationship when he does, and is Sanzo even going to be okay? Does getting Sanzo back mean that he will have to lose Konzen as a result? What is it that Sanzo needs Konzen to do, and how can he himself help? So many questions, and he has no answers with which to comfort himself.

Instead, he turns to the one beside him for comfort, the one who now shines doubly bright, for he is no longer _one_, but _two_, both Konzen as well as Sanzo. Goku closes his eyes, resting against the heavenly blond, and allows sleep to steal his concerns away.

XXX

The next week is, for Konzen, a whole new experience of awakening. Everything about this world he now finds himself thrust into is so vivid, so _alive_, more so than Heaven ever was. There is just so _much_, so much texture, so much richness and fullness to this world. The sensations and emotions are almost overwhelming, threatening to overload his senses with their intensity.

And then there is _Goku_. His little monkey boy is all grown up, and has become so very protective of him, that it almost feels as if their roles of keeper and pet have been reversed. Goku hovers tirelessly over Konzen, helping him to adapt and adjust to this new life as best he can, to the point where he is almost, in a way, shutting Hakkai and Gojyo out. For their part, Hakkai and Gojyo have come to the conclusion that Sanzo is entering a new stage of insanity. His behaviour, as far as they can determine, has so far gone from dangerously malicious and destructive, to suicidal, to subdued, and _now_, apparently, he has even lost his grip on his own identity. They are forced to worry about what state he will fall into next.

XXX

The journey takes them through a few days where they are forced to camp out, before finally reaching the next town. The sky is dark and overcast as they make their way through the streets on foot, seeking out an inn for shelter from the approaching rain. This is the very first storm Konzen has ever experienced. He does not understand the reason for the hurry his companions seem to be in as they rush to acquire lodgings, their eyes anxiously watching the sky. They pass through a market place, the people there scurrying to protect their goods from water damage and wind. A girl shrieks as thunder crashes loudly, like an explosion of the air.

Konzen jumps at the sound, his eyes darting nervously as he unconsciously moves closer to Goku. Goku casts him a look, part amused, part questioning, and takes hold of Konzen's hand. Konzen glances at Goku, repressing his inclination to shake off the boy's touch, which he has already become accustomed to and learned to accept. Goku's touch now is not so much playful and demanding of attention, as it was in Heaven, but more in reassurance and guidance, protection and comfort. There is often a lingering quality to his touch now that Konzen does not understand. It is as if Goku is both offering something and at the same time asking for something in return. There are unspoken words in Goku's touch, and Konzen does not know how to read them, or how to respond.

Thunder sounds again, this time drawn out and rumbling deeply. Gojyo grins in anticipation, exclaiming with charged excitement.

"_Whoo-eee_! It's gonna be a soaker! We'll be drowned rats in a second if we don't find a damn inn!"

Hakkai is forced to raise his voice in order to respond over another clap of thunder.

"It can't be helped! But perhaps we could increase our pace a little!"

Gojyo grins again, and the group falls into a fast walk, Hakkai and Gojyo leading the way.

A flash of lightning dances fiercely across the sky, and Konzen stops in his tracks, breaking free of Goku and covering his ears against the onslaught of the storm. His eyes are wild, his heart pounding in his chest as an internal storm of frightened anger and confusion begins to brew within him. He lashes out with his own verbal thunder and electric eyes.

"What the _fuck_ is going on?"

Gojyo and Hakkai turn to him in surprised concern, and Goku places a hand on Konzen's arm, trying to coax him to relax.

"It's just a _storm_, you know, with thunder and rain. Didn't you have _storms _in _Heaven_?"

Konzen stares at him a moment, and then shoves his hand away. So _this _is a storm. It feels more like the world is crashing down around him, but it isn't anything to overreact about. He throws a response at Goku, while in the process of trying to recollect his dignity and composure.

"_No_. Never. Just clear skies, forever."

Goku blinks in wonder.

"Whoa, Heaven must be _really_ boring."

For Konzen, this simple remark affects him more than Goku ever intended it to, striking deep with the sharp blade of truth. A bitter laugh chokes up in Konzen's throat.

"Ah, Goku, you don't know the _half _of it."

They can hear the rain seconds before it hits them, striking rooftops as it approaches like an advancing wall of water. In moments, they are drenched.

"Aww, _yuck_! Like I said, _drowned rats_!"

"Then let's make like rats and scurry, shall we?"

In total agreement with Hakkai's suggestion, Gojyo begins to run ahead. Goku laughs in delight, grabbing an indignant and thoroughly soaked and disgusted Konzen by the hand once again and dashing after Gojyo. Hakkai waits until the two pass him by, and then brings up the rear.

XXX

Shelter is found at a cozy little inn at last, and our four drowned rats proceed to make themselves at home. Konzen, his hair still slightly damp, stands at the window, staring out at the rain as it pours down from the sky, covering the street and pounding against the glass. Now that he doesn't actually have to be out _in _the storm, he finds himself fascinated by this awesome spectacle of nature.

He casts a glance over at the table, where the other three are currently engaged in a game of cards. He had tried playing with them a few nights ago, rather reluctantly, but hadn't found it to his liking. Not to mention the fact that Kenren, or rather _Gojyo_, had treated him as if he were a child, both perplexed and amused that _Sanzo _had apparently forgotten the rules. Konzen had ended up having a fit of frustration and thrown the cards down onto the ground, which had pissed Gojyo off.

Now, to Gojyo and Hakkai it is almost a relief to see him silently brooding at the window during a storm. The behaviour is so very _Sanzo-ish, _that it serves to reassure them that at least _something _about the man hasn't changed, even if it is a behaviour that was in itself never very mentally healthy to begin with.

Eventually, dusk turns to night, and the downpour dwindles to a steady drizzle as Gojyo and Hakkai retire to their adjoining room. Left now with only Konzen and the sound of the rain, any cheer that Goku had been holding onto quickly fades away. Personally, _he_ doesn't mind the rain, but he _hates_ what it always does to Sanzo, and apparently, to Konzen as well. It's just not fair. Why does something as simple as a little bit of water falling from the sky have to cause so much _trouble_? Don't Sanzo and Konzen _realize_ that no matter how heavy the torrent, it will never be enough to extinguish their shining light?

Goku leans on the table, resting his head on his arms. Occasionally, lightning will illuminate the dimly lit room for an instant, silhouetting Konzen against the window and throwing his shadow upon the wall. Goku sighs, feeling suddenly lonely and downcast. Konzen turns to him at the sound.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

Konzen frowns, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"What's the matter with you, monkey?"

"What's… with _me_? I was just wonderin'… Konzen, why d' you hate the rain, when you didn't even _have_ rain in Heaven?"

Konzen studies Goku's serious and troubled expression for a moment, the slight frown remaining on his face.

"I don't hate the rain, Goku."

"You… you _don't_? But…but I thought… Sanzo _hates_ the rain. I thought _you_ hate it too."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, 'cause you're just standin' there, at the window, like he always does, and… and… I _hate _it, Konzen. I can't stand seein' you like this, and I'm _sick _of it, too."

Goku turns away, burying his face in his arms and swallowing the desolation rising in his throat. Unseen by him, the frown gradually fades from Konzen's face. From the direction of the window, a soft yet demanding question reaches Goku's ears.

"Why does Sanzo hate the rain?"

With a sniff, Goku raises his head to meet Konzen's sharp-eyed gaze.

"Umm… 'Cause it makes him think of something bad that happened once. He doesn't like to talk about it, but… every time it rains, he gets all cranky and moody. I hate it."

"Listen, Goku. I don't hate the rain. I'm not Sanzo, and I don't hate the rain. I was only watching it, because it's interesting. I _like _the rain, Goku. I _like _the rain."

Goku can only stare in disbelief, as if a small miracle has just taken place.

"You… you _do_? You don't _hate _it?"

Konzen shakes his head, but Goku is not quite satisfied. He wants to be _sure, needs _to be sure.

"You mean it doesn't make you feel _bad? _At all?"

Again, Konzen shakes his head, the corner of his lip twitching up in a forced, semi-smile.

"I said, I _like _it. What part of that didn't you understand, stupid monkey brat?"

He hardens his gaze, and lets the frown creep its way back onto his face. Goku doesn't care, for _Goku_ is smiling, now. The clouds have parted to let the sun shine through once again.

As Konzen watches Goku, a subtle, yet significant, change comes over the bright, happy look on Goku's face. What Konzen is faced with now is something much more… _alluring_, both inviting and teasing all at once. The reflection of the flame from the candle flickers hypnotically in the boy's shiny eyes, and suddenly Konzen finds himself strangely spellbound. A shiver of something that is not fear raises goose bumps on his skin. When Goku speaks next, it startles Konzen, but not enough to break the hold Goku has over him.

"You know what _I _like, Konzen? I like the way _Sanzo_ doesn't call me 'stupid' anymore. I like how he doesn't hit me anymore, either. _And_… I like the way me and him could _touch_ each other, too. But y' know what, Konzen? You're right, you're _not_ Sanzo. I think _you _still got a lot to learn about what I like and don't like. But… I can _teach _you. I can _show _you."

Konzen swallows hard, a feeling of warmth inexplicably burning under his skin. He tries to tell himself that this is _Goku_, the annoying, dirty, bratty little monkey boy that the old hag had forced into his keeping. _Goku, _a child under his care. But… that is no longer the case, is it? Goku is no longer that little boy, clinging to him with childish, needy hands, bringing him flowers and messing up his desk. Goku has grown up.

A rush of mixed emotions momentarily consumes him as he stands by the window, gazing at Goku. Part of him is so _sad_ to have lost that little Goku from long ago, whom he was forced to leave. Another part of him tells him that everything is all right, because Goku is safe, and Goku is _here, _with him now. Yet another part is confused, because what is it that he feels for the boy now, now that he no longer needs to play caretaker and parent guardian to the beautiful golden-eyed creature? _Beautiful_? Did he just think of _Goku_ as _beautiful_?

Konzen forces his eyes to close, trying to set himself free, and leans back against the window frame. After a moment, a warm touch on his cheek startles him, and he snaps open his eyes, only to find himself face to face with Goku. Without thinking, he strikes out, hitting Goku hard across the face.

"Oww! _Konzen_!"

"_Don't _sneak up on me like that, you… you _stupid, _idiotic monkey!"

Holding a hand to his stricken cheek, Goku pouts.

"Man, you're not learning _anything._ Maybe _you're _the stupid one."

Goku smiles cheekily, and then sticks out his tongue. Konzen sneers.

"Why you little… I ought to…"

"You oughtta _what_? _Hit_ me again? I might' ve called you stupid, but at least I would never _hit _you. I would never wanna _hurt _you."

Suddenly recoiling as if he _had _been struck, Konzen goes pale.

"Goku, I…"

"Never mind. _He _never says he's sorry, and I don't think _you_ do either. It's okay. I accept that."

Konzen looks away, feeling defeated and somehow drained.

"I wasn't going to apologize."

"I know."

"I was just… I _don't_ want to _hurt _you."

Goku just sniffs.

"I know. But… sometimes… I think you forget. You both do. But that's okay. That's just you, right?"

Hesitantly, Konzen's eyes seek out Goku's. A somewhat shaky moment passes between them in silence, until finally Goku smiles, his face relaxing.

"Never mind. I don't wanna fight anymore. Lets just go to bed now, 'kay?"

Konzen nods, grateful for the lightening of the mood between them. Minutes later, as he slips into bed, the mood tenses up again, as Goku crawls in beside him and snuggles close. Konzen quickly pushes Goku away from him.

"What are you doing, monkey? Get to your own side of the bed."

"But I wanna _show _you."

"Show me _what?"_

"What I like. I wanna be close to you."

"Well, I don't, and you can't."

"Why _not?"_

"Because I said so."

"_Sanzo _lets me."

Konzen regards him critically for a moment.

"Just what kind of _relationship_ do you and Sanzo have?"

"A good one! Lemme show you."

Again, Goku snuggles his way up to Konzen, getting as close as he can before coming up against Konzen's stubborn wall of resistance, made evident by the tensing up of his body. Goku sighs contentedly, happily breathing in _Sanzo's_ scent, and for a moment an odd feeling nags at him, as he ponders on the fact that this is actually _Sanzo's _body. He shrugs it away, and wiggles closer to the other, who responds to the advance by retreating precariously close to the edge of the bed.

"Hey, _Konzen. _How am I supposed to _show_ you, if you don't let me?"

"Dammit, Goku, show me _what_?"

"_This_."

Without further ado, Goku leans in for a kiss, pressing his lips to Konzen's. Shocked, Konzen freezes. Encouraged by the lack of resistance, Goku molds his body against the one next to him, attempting to deepen the kiss as one hand slides down to caress Konzen's thigh. At the unexpected intimate touch, Konzen tenses nervously. Sensing this, Goku pulls away, puzzlement and disappointment splashed all over his face.

"What's wrong?"

"Goku… I don't think… this is right."

"What d'you mean, _not right?_"

"I don't think you and I are meant to be…_together _like this."

"But… _why?"_

"I'm supposed to be looking after you, Goku. It would be _wrong, _if I were to… "

Konzen shakes his head slightly in confusion, a pink flush colouring his cheeks. Goku frowns in frustration, their faces held only inches apart.

"_Wrong?_ What's that supposed to mean?"

"Goku, you were like a _child_. I was taking care of you."

"But… that was _then_. That was a long, long time ago. This is _now_. I'm not a child anymore. I'm _not. _And I know what I want, Konzen. I want _you_, and I _know_ it isn't wrong."

Konzen sighs.

"Goku… no. Maybe _you_ know what you want, and it's good that you're so confident, but… _I'm_ not. I'm not... I'm not ready. Just sleep now, okay?"

For a moment Goku looks as if he wants to protest, but then he just lays his head down innocently on Konzen's chest.

"'Kay, you win, for now. But I think _you're _wrong."

"_Sleep_."

"Konzen? Will you call me your 'little monkey' from now on?"

Konzen makes a sound of apparent disdain.

"Why would I want to do that?"

"'Cause I like it. _Sanzo_ calls me his little monkey."

"I'm not Sanzo."

"I know. Just… just don't call me _stupid_ anymore, 'kay?"

"Hmph. I said go to _sleep._"

"'Kay. Konzen?"

"_What now?_"

"I… never mind."

"Fine by me."

But even as he drifts off to sleep, his arms around his Konzen, he can't help finishing the sentence off silently to himself in his thoughts.

_'I really miss Sanzo.'_


	20. Little Lost Monkey

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 20**

**Little Lost Monkey**

Violet eyes drip with tears of blood, spilling forth in a violent storm of chaotic madness. A blond figure kneels in the resulting pool of red, his body slowly sinking into the vile puddle. He laughs insanely, his hand clutching a familiar weapon, aiming it cruelly at his own head.

Goku screams, crawling through the sticky red liquid to reach the other man's side, even as the laughter becomes words, echoing darkly in Goku's mind.

"_Are you ready to die, my little monkey? Watch me die." _

The gun goes off, and Goku does watch, as a blond corpse falls forward, only to be hungrily swallowed up within the sea of blood and darkness surrounding them both.

"_No! Sanzo! Sanzo!"_

XXX

Konzen watches as Goku whimpers and twitches fretfully in his sleep, seemingly troubled by dreams. He scowls in consternation, momentarily torn between what he wants to do and a feeling of hesitancy that holds him back. Finally, he sighs, and gives in to his desire to offer comfort, his hand moving to gently stroke Goku's back. After a couple of minutes of this treatment, Goku relaxes, and then slowly cracks open his eyes. Quickly, Konzen pulls his hand away.

Goku blinks a few times, looking a little dazed and disoriented, until Konzen speaks his name. Immediately, Goku looks up in relief, seeking out the source of the familiar voice.

"Sanzo? Sanzo… you're… I…"

Konzen squints, his face tensing in an expression of mild accusation and disappointment at the name that falls so readily from Goku's lips. As Goku's eyes clear and focus on Konzen's disapproving glare, his still sleepy face displays its realization.

"Oh. _Konzen_. I… had a bad dream."

Konzen looks away, trying to appear unconcerned and indifferent, even though a pang of jealousy and a feeling of inadequacy rise up and lodge their way into his heart, sinking into its most tender, vulnerable places and taking root there against his will.

"A dream. About _Sanzo_?"

"Yeah, I guess. He… there was so much _blood_. I… it was _bad._"

Konzen shivers involuntarily at the mention of blood, at the memories it provokes, painful memories of death, violence and loss.

"Hmph. Forget it. You're awake now. It was only a _dream._ It means _nothing_."

"Yeah, I guess. Konzen? You… you must know a lot about… _death… _and stuff, being a god and all, right? Plus, you've already gone through all that. Death, I mean. Right? Konzen?"

Konzen shudders again.

"Don't… talk to me about _death_. I've had enough death to last an _eternity_."

"Oh. Sorry. I just… never mind."

Konzen remembers now the dreams he himself had been having, when he was alive in Heaven. Dreams he now knows were of Sanzo and his human life, a life that he now finds himself living. Konzen stares at his hands, clutching tightly at the blanket, his thoughts growing increasingly more troubled.

Those memories are from when he was _alive_. But he had _died_. Does that mean he is _dead _now, just a spirit inhabiting this body? This body… it belongs to Sanzo… but… he _is_ Sanzo, is he not? Sanzo is what he will one day become, upon rebirth. Then, what is he doing here now? Konzen died, he should be _dead_. He should be _Sanzo._

Goku, the effects of the dream losing impact now that he is awake, feels his own concerns fading as he observes Konzen.

"Konzen?"

Konzen looks up sharply, a spooked and haunted expression clouding his eyes. Words fall harshly from his tongue, flung at Goku in a disguise of impetuous venom to mask his own distress.

"I'm _not _Sanzo."

Somewhat taken aback, Goku is at a loss for words. Konzen doesn't wait for him to collect himself, he simply frowns and throws aside the covers viciously, getting out of bed and stalking off to the bathroom. Goku winces as Konzen slams the door shut behind him, and winces again when another loud bang emits from behind the door, followed by a string of curses.

Goku stares at the door, and lets out a strained breath of air. To himself, he whispers a belated response.

"I know. But that doesn't mean you aren't just as shiny. Besides, Sanzo _was _you. He came from _you_. And _man_, you can be just as _difficult_, too."

Goku shakes his head, feeling confused, and flops back down on the bed to wait for Konzen to emerge from his refuge.

XXX

The day gets under way, the mood somewhat tense due to Konzen's extra cranky attitude this morning. During breakfast he refuses to eat, just sitting with his arms crossed, positioned as far down on the bench from Goku as possible. For some reason, Goku can't help feeling a little guilty, as if it is somehow his fault that Konzen is so upset. Throughout the meal, Goku keeps glancing his way, until finally he decides he's had enough, and sets down his chopsticks.

"Hey, Kon…"

He glances quickly across the table at Hakkai and Gojyo, and lowers his voice.

"I mean… I guess I should say _Sanzo.._."

Konzen whirls on him angrily.

"_Shut up_! I'm _not _Sanzo!"

His fist comes down hard on the table with a bang, rattling the dishes and turning the heads of other patrons in the inn's tiny restaurant.

Goku recoils from this unexpected outburst, and Hakkai and Gojyo stop pretending that they don't have their eyes on Sanzo's behaviour this morning, giving him their full attention. Gojyo adopts a stern expression, while Hakkai appears calm and mild mannered as he addresses the irate blond.

"Sanzo, if there's a problem, perhaps we should discuss it now before it gets out of hand."

Konzen, his face flushed with riled emotions and ill temper, responds vehemently.

"I'm fucking _fine._"

Suddenly looking slightly embarrassed, Konzen straightens in his chair, drawing his clenched fists into his lap. In a quieter voice, he repeats his assurance.

"I'm _fine._"

Hakkai smiles and picks up his own eating utensils again.

"Well then, if that's the case, why don't you have your breakfast? You'll feel even better if you eat something."

Gojyo chuckles a little.

"You know, it's actually pretty _normal _for Sanzo to have a temper-tantrum."

Konzen appears to be about to make a retort, and Goku just looks oddly uncomfortable, when Hakkai cuts in.

"Now, now. Lets not get all worked up again. Sanzo, Gojyo, Goku… please finish your meals, I expect to see those plates polished off completely!"

Gojyo rolls his eyes, and Goku turns to his plate, methodically shoveling the food into his mouth. To him, the food seems to have become devoid of any taste. Gojyo gets Goku's attention, attempting to put some life and cheer back into him.

"Hey, monkey. Bet you can't clean your plate off as good as I can."

Goku looks up, feeling wasted, but never the less, manages an almost automatic response to Gojyo's challenge.

"Oh yeah? Watch this, you oversized cockroach."

The rate of his food shoveling increases, and Gojyo follows suit, relieved that he was able to get a favourable response from Goku.

The others thus occupied with their own plates, Konzen takes the opportunity to nibble a little at his food, although his appetite is less than cooperative, and his mood still far from fine.

XXX

The weather is calm and clear as they make their way outside and prepare to leave town. Goku is glum, wanting very much to reach out to Konzen and offer some comfort, as has become second-nature for him of late, but… Konzen is angry with him, and he finds he can't even look at him now without feeling ashamed of himself. The last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt Konzen, but he doesn't know how to make it better, especially since he isn't even sure what he did to upset the other in the first place.

Soon, settled side by side in the jeep, he watches Konzen out of the corner of his eye, noting the sulky and distracted look on the fair face, as Konzen stares at the back of Gojyo's seat. As he continues to observe his companion, Konzen's eyes suddenly flick in his direction, and the result is that they are both unexpectedly caught in the act of stealing secret glances at each other. Goku offers a small, anxious smile, to which Konzen responds by turning his head quickly away. Goku slumps in his seat, feeling disheartened.

Hakkai and Gojyo are engaged in a brief discussion; about what Goku neither knows nor cares. The result is that Gojyo goes back inside the inn, leaving them to wait outside. Gradually, Goku becomes aware of a slightly withdrawn and sluggish feeling coming over him. He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the unpleasant listlessness. With a sense of urgency that is almost desperate in nature, he longs for some kind of contact with Konzen, any form of acknowledgment or reassurance at all. He opens his mouth to speak, not even knowing what he intends to say, but all that will come out is a very faint, strangled groan. Numbness begins to creep into his mind, dulling the panic that is beginning to set in. He clenches and unclenches his fists, trying to focus on this activity as a way to keep himself from blanking out altogether.

If only Konzen would look at him, surely he would see how much he needs him right now, but… he is being ignored. Ignored, rejected and _abandoned_. The sun will not grace him with its light, and he is lost, left alone in the cold darkness to fend for himself. Silently, he cries out for help, help that refuses to look his way.

XXX

Hakkai, unaware of the internal struggle that is currently taking place behind him, waits patiently for Gojyo to return from his minor mission. Konzen, equally unaware, likewise is forced to wait, although in his case it is with far less patience that he does so. As they wait, a pair of strangers approach the jeep, and Hakkai goes on alert as he realizes that they are demons, their faces hooded in an attempt at concealing their demonic features from the public eye.

Hakkai exits the jeep, standing at its side. Konzen is staring at the demons in irritated curiosity, not yet aware that there is reason for concern, when Hakkai calls back quietly over his shoulder to Goku. When there is no response, he calls again, still receiving no acknowledgement. Risking a quick glance, he turns to check on Goku's position, his breath catching at the sight of the unresponsive state that Goku has fallen into. That look is too recently familiar for comfort, but Hakkai wonders; why has Goku suddenly become stricken again? He is obviously upset about Sanzo this morning, could that be the reason?

In any case, Goku will be useless in a fight right now. Sanzo also will be of not much help, as they can't risk putting a weapon into his hands. As for Gojyo, he must have been delayed or distracted by something inside, most likely a pretty waitress or some such thing, for he has still not returned. That leaves Hakkai alone to handle the present situation.

The hooded demons have stopped a short, safe distance from the jeep, and now one of them, the female, comes forward a couple more steps.

"Greetings. The purpose of our visit is to see Genjo Sanzo. However, I count only three of you, when I know your group to consist of four. Could it be, perhaps, that Genjo Sanzo is no longer with you?"

Hakkai muses on the oddness of such a question. Could these two, perhaps, have been sent to determine the success of the attack on Sanzo's mind?

In case this is so, he must be careful to give nothing away. Moving slowly so as not to raise any alarm, he takes off his headband, exposing to view the artificial chakra hidden beneath.

"_I _am Genjo Sanzo. What business have you with me?"

The demon regards him appraisingly for a moment, and then bows slightly before responding.

"_Ah._ Genjo Sanzo. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. May I ask, how do you feel? I trust that all is _well_ with you?"

A mocking smile touches her lips.

"_Very_ well indeed, thank you. Now I must request that you cut the crap and get to the point. I don't have all day to engage in useless small talk with two demons such as yourselves."

Hakkai keeps his voice as steady, clear and composed as possible, which isn't a problem, since this comes naturally to him anyway, and his eyes are fixed, intently yet calmly, on the demon's face.

The demon's grin becomes a smirk.

"Well then, we shall get straight to the _point, _as you so kindly suggest."

She snaps her fingers, and instantly, the demon at her side whips out a blowgun, and sends a dart flying in Hakkai's direction.

Hakkai dodges, successfully avoiding the attack, and leaps back into his place at the steering wheel, starting the engine and shouting commands behind him, hoping they will be obeyed.

"Get down behind the seats! Bring Goku with you!"

Stunned by the unexpected violence, Konzen does not at first react. He looks towards Goku, puzzled by Hakkai's order concerning him, and grows alarmed by what he sees. He responds by freezing up with uncertainty and an advancing fear. The jeep begins to back quickly away from the scene of attack, and another dart goes whizzing by, narrowly missing its intended target. Hakkai shouts another order behind him.

"Get down _now_! With Goku! _Now!_"

Konzen rouses himself into action, getting a grip on his fear as best he can, and lunges at Goku, pulling him into shelter and holding him protectively close.

Relieved, Hakkai turns his attention back to driving. He has decided to try making an escape, rather than risk fighting and exposing his two vulnerable friends to danger. Besides, if he were to attack, he would be giving away his identity, and that is not something he is willing to do so readily if there are other options available. Ideally, he would like at least one of these opponents to remain alive in order to take back a report of apparent sanity to enemy headquarters. Of course, if it comes down to it, he won't hesitate to attack in order to protect Sanzo and Goku from harm.

Turning off onto a side street, Hakkai speeds away, attempting to put some distance between his group and their foes, and hopefully find someplace safe to hide and possibly stage an ambush.

XXX

Konzen's eyes are squeezed shut as he crouches behind the seats with Goku, holding the boy tightly against his body as if both their lives depend on it. As for Goku, his mind lock is gradually beginning to ease up in response to Konzen's embrace, which is providing him with the comfort necessary for sustaining and restoring his functional stability. Neither Goku nor Konzen see the shadow swoop overhead, as their Attackers pursue upon a flying dragon. Hakkai swerves the jeep to avoid another dart, and the sudden motion helps Goku to snap out of his stupor.

Confused, he is at first aware of nothing but Konzen next to him, and nothing else seems of any significance as he drinks in the healing effects of this closeness. He opens his eyes just in time to see the female demon unexpectedly jump from the dragon and land in the back of the jeep.

Even as Hakkai slams on the brakes, the demon slashes at Konzen with a glittering silver blade. This action is followed by blood and a cry of pain as the knife hits its mark on the back of Konzen's neck, slicing into the flesh. But there is also a cry of surprise from the demon's lips, as well.

For luckily, Goku, acting on instinct and barely even aware of what he is doing, save that he is doing it for Konzen, has pulled himself together just in time and just enough to catch the demon's hand and prevent the injury from becoming a fatality. But he is able to do no more, freezing in position with his hand locked in a death grip upon the demon's arm. She drops the knife with another cry as the bones in her arm begin to crack beneath the pressure. As the blade slides along his neck in its descent, Konzen gasps in pain, and, out of the corner of his eye, sees the demon reach into her belt and pull out a dart, jabbing it into Goku's arm.

Impulsively, Konzen picks up the discarded knife and thrusts it into the demon's belly with an enraged cry of anguish and fright. The demon stumbles back into the rear seat, body twisting in agony. Konzen follows her with the knife, cutting deeper as the blade slices upwards into its victim's gut. Blood gushes hotly upon his hands and still he does not stop, thrusting the knife within the twitching, gasping body.

By the time Hakkai has stopped the vehicle and turned in his seat, the action is already over, the demon as good as dead. He turns his attention to the one still in the air, as it descends to attempt an attack at closer range. Hakkai grabs the dart embedded in the seat next to him, and waits.

As the demon brings the blowgun to his lips, Hakkai moves, whipping the dart manually through the air. Struck, the flying dragon staggers mid-air, and loses power of flight. Cursing, the demon leaps from its back, landing and rolling upon the ground. In a flash, Hakkai is upon him, sticking him in the throat with yet another misfired dart. As he had suspected, the dart proves to be imbued with a substance of some sort, and the demon falls into unconsciousness. Staying just long enough to ensure that the demon is truly out cold, Hakkai hurries back to the jeep to check its remaining occupants.

XXX

Konzen is still clutching the handle of the knife where it protrudes from the dead demon's stomach, which has been slit completely open in a gruesome display of its contents. Konzen is covered in blood, both his own and that of his victim. Gone ghostly pale and covered in a cold sweat, he begins to vomit as a wave of nausea washes over him.

Goku, semi-conscious and slumped against the seat, clutches at Konzen's pant leg, trying to draw his attention and calm him down.

"Kon… zen. It's okay… its over… Konzen."

Konzen, shivering and feeling faint and dizzy, turns to him, and at the sight of the beloved golden eyes, dim as they presently are, relaxes somewhat. Still he jumps and cries out in surprise when Hakkai attempts to remove his hands from the knife. He is clutching the weapon so tightly, that it just ends up getting pulled out of the body, with a sickening sound. Konzen retches violently, and Hakkai pries the knife from a grip slippery with blood, and tosses it aside.

Goku looks on, struggling to stay awake and aware, as Hakkai proceeds to attend to Konzen's injury. Only when he is certain that his Konzen is going to be all right does he allow his eyes to drift shut. Due to his tremendous strength and resistance, the effect of the drug in the dart has not proven entirely effective, and total unconsciousness evades him. He merely lies listlessly, concentrating on pulling himself completely out of his mental lapse, still clutching tightly to Konzen's pant leg in an act of reassurance for both their sake's.

Hakkai checks Goku over quickly, but upon finding him otherwise unharmed, hurries back behind the wheel and heads to rendezvous with Gojyo.

XXX

They have found a small, secluded place to hole up as they recover, in the residence of the town doctor, where hopefully they will not be found if the other demon should choose to pursue them upon his awakening.

Goku is recovering nicely, and is currently in the process of trying to soothe a badly shocked and traumatized Konzen. All traces of blood have since been washed away, but still he holds his hands away from himself as if they were covered in the offending matter. All Goku can do is hold Konzen's trembling body and speak to him softly, ensuring that he is kept warm and comforted. His lips trace over the back of Konzen's neck repeatedly in a pattern of proof to both himself and Konzen that the so nearly disastrous injury has been healed and is now a thing of the past.

Eventually, with Goku's efforts, and the help of some sleeping tablets provided by the doctor, Konzen falls into a deep sleep, his breathing finally relaxed and even and the tremors in his body subsiding. Goku breaths a heavy sigh of relief, and at last allows himself to rest as well.

XXX

When he awakens again, it is well into the night. They have not been disturbed, left to rest for as long as required in the small room set aside for patient care. A pitcher and glasses for water have been set out for them, as well as another dose of tablets, and so Goku knows that someone has been in to check on them. The room is dark and quiet, the only sound being the steady beat of their hearts and the gentle rhythm of restful breathing. Konzen is lying peacefully at Goku's side, and Goku silently considers the present circumstances.

He himself has already put the battle almost entirely out of his mind, so used is he to the inevitable bloodshed and killing of their never ending demon assailants on this journey west. It has taken him by surprise to see how badly upset by the whole incident Konzen has become. Konzen and Sanzo are supposed to be the same soul, and yet Sanzo _never_ reacts in such a way. True, Sanzo has perhaps been able to harden himself to it over time, and it is also true that the monk avoids messy, bloody kills with his choice of weapon, but still… Goku has a hard time imagining that Sanzo would ever have been affected even half as badly as _this._

He is forced to conclude that life in Heaven has kept Konzen too safe, protected his from the harshness of physical pain and shielded him for the most part from the brutal truth of mortality.

Perhaps that is the fundamental difference between Konzen and Sanzo. Whereas Konzen was free from pain of any sort, living an existence almost sterile in its monotony, Sanzo has been forced to endure pain, both physical and emotional, up to levels almost beyond the limits of his endurance. Goku wonders; if Sanzo had been born into a life of happiness and peace, what kind of a man would he have become?

His thoughts are cut short as Konzen begins to groggily stir from sleep. Wanting to be right there for him as he awakens, Goku shifts closer, placing a hand over Konzen's hands to hopefully discourage them from being the source of any more freaking out concerning blood and the act of stabbing. Konzen whimpers slightly as he comes to, tucking in his chin and drawing his arms close to his body. Goku gives him another series of soft kisses to the back of the neck as he waits for him to reach full awareness.

Konzen opens his eyes at last, the soft darkness easy on his senses, his body warm and relaxed. As such, he does not immediately recall in full detail the horror he has experienced. He becomes aware of someone else's presence, and it is so very sweet and comforting that he does not doubt whose arms are around him. He wets his lips and whispers Goku's name into the dark. Goku's response is nothing more than a gentle murmur of acknowledgement.

Konzen relaxes even more, and, as the memories start to come back more vividly, he is able to brace himself against the onslaught by using the comfort that Goku provides.

"Goku, I… I had _blood_… on my hands. I killed that woman, didn't I? I _killed… _her. Goku… I _killed, _I _killed, killed…"_

"Shhh… it's okay. It's all over now. We just did what we had to do."

Konzen swallows loudly.

"But… I'm… gods aren't supposed to _kill._"

"You're not a god anymore. That part of you died."

"But… I haven't been reborn as human yet. And I… took a life. So much… _blood, _Goku, the _blood. _Too much. "

"It's gone now. We washed it all away."

"But… _I'm afraid of the blood, _Goku."

"Shhh… you don't have to be afraid anymore. It's all over."

"_I'm afraid of death_."

"You're not dead now. You're alive, with me. I won't let you die."

"But I'm… I think I _am _dead. Dead. Not supposed to be here. And… I'm _afraid of Sanzo._"

This last statement is unexpected by Goku, and it disturbs him more than any of the others. Sanzo also had complained of feeling dead, and… Konzen says he is afraid of_ Sanzo?_

"Konzen. Why are you afraid of… of _Sanzo_?"

Konzen whimpers a little as if to protest the question, his breathing growing slightly stressed. Goku's lips tenderly caress Konzen's neck again, and the attention soon settles Konzen down. Goku repeats his question, and after a moment, Konzen feels ready to try an explanation.

"Because… when I die… when I'm reborn… I will _become _Sanzo. I will become what he is… a murderer, a… _killer_. I will be born into his _pain. _I am afraid of that."

Goku feels saddened by this confession. He is sad for Sanzo and sad for Konzen, sad for all the pain that they share, and he isn't even sure how to offer comfort. In the end, he simply lets his heart speak for him.

"No. I don't think of Sanzo as a murderer. He's not just a cold-hearted killer. _I'm_ not afraid of him."

"But you… you _would _say that. You _love _him. You _love_ Sanzo."

"I love _you_, too, Konzen. I _love_ you."

Konzen is quiet for a moment, concentrating on the feel of Goku's lips against the skin of his neck. Suddenly, he makes a decision, forcing open a damn of resistance and doubt with a flood of unconstrained longing and emotion. He whispers his request in a soft release of breath.

"Then… prove it to me. _Show _me. _Teach _me… Goku."

As Konzen begins to tremble in his arms, Goku understands his meaning, and what Konzen wants. So he does just that. Gently, slowly, he shows Konzen that he loves him, and teaches him just how much that means.

XXX

Goku awakens the nest morning to a blood-curdling scream of pure agony. Leaping awake, he nearly panics to see Konzen writhing in apparent pain, clutching at his chest so hard that his nails are digging into the flesh enough to draw blood. His face is contorted and streaked with tears, his body twitching uncontrollably as he alternates between screaming and struggling for breath. Goku is torn between staying and going for help, when the door bursts open, admitting Hakkai, Gojyo and the doctor.

Before they can even reach the bed, however, Konzen's fit has subsided, and he lies still, gasping desperately. The doctor begins checking him over, casting Goku a disapproving glance at the implications of their nakedness, and Hakkai stands by attentively. As this is taking place, Gojyo collects Goku's clothing, indicating for him to get dressed. Goku does so, all the while anxiously keeping a close watch on the doctor's progress.

After a few moments, the man proclaims Konzen to be free of any obvious physical condition, and pins the cause of the fit on emotional strain or possibly due to the insanity of which he had been informed that his patient suffers from. All he can do is cover Konzen snuggly in blankets and advise that he be left to rest. As the doctor leaves the room, shaking his head, Hakkai sends a thank you out with him, and then sinks into a chair at the bedside.

"Goku. Can you tell us anything else? Did something happen to trigger this?"

"N-n-no… no… I just… woke up to… s-s-scream…ing-ing."

Suddenly worried that perhaps Goku is on the verge of another breakdown, Hakkai signals his concern to Gojyo and begins to speak reassuringly.

"Goku. Sanzo's going to be fine. He's fine now, Goku."

Gojyo meanwhile takes up the task of rubbing Goku on the back to help calm him down. After he seems to be assured that Sanzo is really okay, they get him to swallow the sleeping tablets as a relaxant, and let him lie down to rest next to Sanzo.

Quietly, Hakkai indicates to Gojyo the fact that Sanzo's chakra has, oddly enough, again disappeared.

In a sudden disturbance of the room's quiet, Sanzo begins to laugh softly, and his eyes open wide. The laughter stops as abruptly as it began, and Sanzo calls out for Goku, turning his head until he is able to see him.

"Goku… Goku… I. Know. What. We have to do. Now. Oh, oh, _my silly little monkey_, are you _afraid_? Are you afraid of… _the dark?_ _No_, no, _no,_ no, _no_, no_, no_. Monkeys aren't afraid of the dark. So why are we… always getting _lost_? When the sun… goes away? _Goku_?"

Goku sits up slowly, staring very carefully into a pair of amethyst eyes.

"_Sanzo? _Is that you, _Sanzo_? Is it really you?"

Sanzo nods his head, his face twitching every so often as his eyes fall out of focus.

"Goku. My… little… monkey. _My _monkey, _mine. _The little lost god is… all locked up, in _here_."

Sanzo points to his head, tapping it with his finger.

"All locked up… _bad _little god, _bad _Konzen. _Monkey _thief… stole my _monkey. _But… he can still join our game, because… we can't play without him. No, no, no. Bad little god, nasty _thief,_ can still help us, right, Goku? Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes."

Sanzo laughs again for a moment, just a faint chuckle. All Goku can do, part overjoyed and part terrified, is just sit there and cry on the inside as he listens to his Sanzo's crazy, almost delerious words.

TO BE CONTINUED

Readers: What's your opinion on how I'm doing with my portrayal of sane Sanzo vs. insane Sanzo, as compared to sane Konzen vs. emotionally distraught Konzen? Am I managing to keep it all believable and clearly decipherable enough? By the way, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Chap. 21 will be ready sometime soon!


	21. The Promise

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 21**

**The Promise **

Sanzo has returned, but apparently, his sanity has not.

He lies fitfully unaware and unresponsive, as if caught in a waking dream where Goku's presence does not even exist. To see him like this now, tossing his head and writhing restlessly upon the sheets, would almost be erotic, if it weren't so maddeningly _frightening. _

Stretched out naked and half exposed beneath a tangle of blanket, with his lips shaping unspoken words as he moans softly in distress, Sanzo almost appears feverish, except that he isn't running a temperature. No, this fever is of the mind alone.

Goku finds the sight as alluring as it is disturbing.

Goku's Sanzo...

Goku's beautiful, deranged, perfectly unholy Sanzo.

Sitting next to Sanzo as he watches over him, Goku fidgets nervously with the hem of his pant leg, his bare foot peeking out innocently. He licks his lips absently, love and lust, fear and worry all mingling together like a concoction of confusion. He can almost _taste _it, like sweet poison on his tongue.

Sanzo cries out suddenly, an exquisite expression of pain, his blank, exotic eyes staring up at the ceiling as if blind to reality. Goku blinks owlishly in the dim light, and shifts position to carefully straddle Sanzo's hips, gently capturing his agitated hands by the wrists. Sanzo makes no response, no sign of awareness of Goku's actions, his head thrown back in anguished grace. Goku takes the opportunity to lean in and lick the exposed throat, the tip of his tongue teasing over the pulse a little guiltily, stealing a forbidden taste of pure, undiluted sunlight.

Sanzo wears Goku's own scent and taste upon his skin, and Goku's heart aches because of it.

Sanzo, his Sanzo, says he does not want him. But he and Konzen had not hesitated to use his body for their own desire. Was it _wrong_? Is _this _wrong?

Goku presses his cheek against Sanzo's shoulder, closing his eyes softly. Sanzo finally relaxes beneath his gentle restraint, drifting at last into untroubled sleep. Goku sighs and lifts his head slowly, almost wearily, to gaze at the sleeping face. Languorously, he releases the slim wrists in his grasp, his hands instead moving to smooth back touseled blond hair with an almost reverent touch. He whispers Sanzo's name once, full of longing and loss, before giving up his position and moving to sit again at Sanzo's side to await his awakening.

XXX

When Sanzo opens his eyes, they are clear and focused, the false fever gone. When they turn Goku's way, and light upon his face, Goku smiles and offers a hushed greeting.

"Hey. You feeling better?"

Sanzo does not answer, mild confusion momentarily clouding his features with a slight pout. Goku can't help but find the look endearing, coming from Sanzo.

"Sanzo? I… I'm glad you're back. I missed you. I didn't even know if you were okay, so… I was _worried._"

Sanzo sighs deeply, closing his eyes, and whispers a response.

"Silly. I didn't ask for your concern."

"I know, but… I can't help it. Sanzo, is… is _Konzen_ okay, too? He's still with you, right?"

At this, Sanzo re-opens his eyes, and they spark now with a wild light. He fixes that gleam on Goku with a harshness that matches his voice.

"Whose monkey are you, Goku? Hmm? Naughty monkey ran off with the bad, _bad_ little god. He can't have you, but I… "

Abruptly, the harshness is replaced with a weaker, more hesitant sound, and the wicked gleam in his eyes fades to nothing but a dull sheen.

"But I don't... Maybe…_I'm_ the one who's bad. Bad, bad, bad…"

Abruptly he thrashes his head from side to side, as if trying to clear the disturbance from his mind. Goku responds with quick determination, taking Sanzo's head in his hands in an attempt to still him. The action has the exact opposite effect, however. Sanzo rips and scratches at Goku's hands, and he does not stop even when he accidentally catches his own face with the violence of his hysteria. This only seems to increase his frenzy.

"_No_! _Don't touch me_! I told you not to _touch_ me!"

Goku quickly withdraws his hands, feeling helpless as Sanzo presses his own palms over his eyes, calmer now, but still distressed.

"Goku… I'm trying to… but it's hard… to think clearly, anymore. I can't _think_. But I _know_… I know the rules now. Goku…I can't do it anymore, I'm no good, Goku, broken and useless. Sanzo is dead, dead, dead…_"_

"Sanzo, _stop _it, _listen _to me. You're _not_ dead, so stop saying that."

"Goku, my monkey, _my_ little monkey. Can't you _see_? You can't _see_, can you? Your eyes… you stared at the sun and it burnt you blind. I'll show you… show you the dark. West..."

"Sanzo, I _can_ see. I see _you._"

A half laugh, half sob breaks from Sanzo's throat.

"It burns, Goku. It burns. My mind is on fire. Burning. Burning out. It _hurts_, Goku, it hurts. Soon, soon there'll be nothing left… but _darkness_."

Goku huddles on the bed, afraid, so afraid. He sneaks his hand towards Sanzo, clutching lightly at the blanket covering him, not daring to actually touch Sanzo directly for fear of setting him off again. He just sits like this miserably, listening to the sound of Sanzo breathing.

When the door opens and the doctor lets himself in, this is how he finds them. He pauses for a moment in the doorway, observing the two occupants of the room. Goku looks up dully, and when their eyes meet, the doctor squints in narrow-eyed distaste.Goku chooses to remain apathetic to the obvious dislike in that glance as the man approaches, addressing Sanzo in a friendly, professional manner.

"Well, well, I see you're awake. How do you feel now, young man?"

Sanzo deliberately ignores the intrusion, his hands still pressed against his face. Despite the lack of welcome, the doctor proceeds to perform the duties required of him.

"Now, I'm just going to check you over and make sure everything is okay. Your name is Sanzo, isn't it? Try to relax, Sanzo, all right? There's nothing to worry about."

Goku looks on apprehensively as the doctor uses a stethoscope to listen to Sanzo's heart. After a time, the doctor frowns slightly. He glances up at Sanzo, and the frown deepens when he notices the fresh scratch marks on his patient's cheeks. He glances at Goku in sharp accusation.

"Hmm… You should have called me if your... _friend_ was having problems. He didn't have another fit, did he?"

"Umm… not like before. He just, didn't wanna be touched."

The doctor does not seem at all pleased with that answer, raising his bushy brows. As far as he is concerned, Goku has already touched his patient quite enough as it is. With a heavy sigh, he turns his full attention to Sanzo, speaking with a slow emphasis now as if addressing a child or a half-wit.

"Can you look at me, please? Let me see your eyes."

Sanzo's answer is a violent shake of the head.

"It's all right, I just need to see if you've hurt your eyes."

As he speaks, he attempts to manually remove Sanzo's hands himself, to which he gets a reaction he definitely wasn't prepared for. Sanzo screams and strikes out at him.

"_No_! Don't fucking touch me, don't… get the hell _away_ from me!"

Goku manages to catch his wrists and prevent him from actually hitting the doctor, who, startled, quickly backs away from the bed.

"Well then… we'll just… leave it at that then shall we?"

Sanzo thrashes on the bed, screaming struggling against Goku's hold.

"No! Don't touch… don't… Stop! _Let go_! Don't touch me!"

Hakkai and Gojyo arrive, summoned by the noise. Gojyo wastes no time in moving to assist Goku in restraining Sanzo, helping to hold him still. Hakkai quickly assesses the situation.

"Doctor, a sedative would be much appreciated."

The man curtly nods his head and bustles from the room. He soon returns, holding a syringe in one hand as he rushes to the bedside.

"Hold his arm still."

Goku takes one look at the needle and nearly knocks it from the doctor's hand in alarm. He's never seen a syringe before, and it calls to mind the darts so recently used against them in yesterday's attack. A fierce, angry protectivness boils to the surface of his being. _Nobody _sticks sharp, pointy objects into _his_ Sanzo and gets away with it.One hand shoots out and grasps the doctor's wrist tightly.The man looks into his eyes and stutters, choking on the sudden, unexpected rage staring back at him.

"Goku!"

Hakkai steps forward, urging Goku to comply.

"Goku, please. He wants to help Sanzo. The needle contains a sedative, something to calm him down. Don't you want to help Sanzo, Goku?"

Doubt and suspicion flicker in Goku's eyes, until he reluctantly releases the man.The abused doctor hisses in pain and grimaces as he rubs his bruised wrist. All the while, Sanzo continues to struggle, the hand Goku had released to fend of the threatening object now clawing away frantically at his captor's skin. Goku seems not to feel it, so intent is he on warily watching the doctor's position. Gojyo glances at Hakkai rather desperately, silently urging him to mediate the situation. Hakkai needs no prompting.

"Goku, please hold Sanzo's arm. Let the doctor help.He needs to give the needle before Sanzo _hurts_ himself."

Goku nods, presses Sanzo's arm to the bed, and watches suspiciously as the doctor cautiously leans in to insert the needle. Goku winces when it breaks the skin, and holds his breath apprehensively as the sedative is injected into Sanzo's bloodstream. When finished, the doctor escapes from his close proximity to the apparently potentially dangerous occupants of the bed.

Soon, the drug begins to take effect, and Sanzo ceases to struggle. He looks Goku in the eyes imploringly as his body relaxes against his will, and in another moment he drops off completely, his head falling limply to the side.

The doctor breathes a sigh of relief and wipes his brow.

"Well, this is turning out to be quite the morning, isn't it? As to your friend's condition, I'm afraid I don't have much insight regarding his mental state, as that's really not my area of practice, but… Does he _often_ have fits like this?"

Hakkai answers.

"No, I'm afraid this is a new development. What about his physical condition?"

"Well, his heart rate is still rather high, which does concern me somewhat, and he's apparently been scratching at his face as well, which the _boy_ here neglected to bring to anyone's attention."

"I see. Thank you, doctor."

The doctor peers at Hakkai with more curiosity than concern in his eyes.

"Now, what are you young fellows planning to do? You say you're traveling, but surely it isn't wise to continue when your friend is in such a bad way."

"I'm afraid we have no choice, doctor."

"Well then, I can only wish you luck."

"Thank you."

XXX

When Sanzo comes to, Goku is still waiting at his side. Sanzo blinks and sleepily raises a hand to push back his hair. Still somewhat dazed from the lingering effects of the drug, his eyes are half-closed and on the verge of dropping shut again. Goku clears his throat softly to alert Sanzo to his presence before he speaks.

"Sanzo? How d'you feel?"

Sanzo seems confused, and he apparently has to consider Goku's question carefully before he can venture to give an answer.

"I don't know. Lousy. What happened? Did... something bad happen?"

"Well, you got a little upset."

"Did I? But I feel strange… heavy."

"The doctor gave you somethin'. To make you sleep."

"Oh."

"Sanzo? You look really tired. Maybe you should sleep some more."

Sanzo frowns and shakes his head a little.

"Sleep? I… Where are we, Goku? What doctor?"

"We're at a doctor's place to rest up. Konzen… Konzen was really freaked, and we needed a place to hide out."

"No. No, no. We can't stay here, Goku. West. We have to go… _west_."

"We will. But Hakkai said we'd wait until you were rested."

"No. I don't have time to wait. No time. My mind… on fire. Can't _think_. No time to rest. No time to stop."

Sanzo sits up, working his way to the edge of the bed. After a moment, he pushes himself up and walks slowly into the bathroom, bumping into the doorframe on the way. Almost unconsciously, Goku shifts his way into the abandoned place on the bed, so invitingly infused with Sanzo's body heat as it is.

At the sink, Sanzo splashes cold water on his face from the tap. But when he stops to run wet fingers through his hair, raising his eyes to his reflection in the mirror as he does so, something catches in his mind. He ends up just standing, staring into his own eyes for so long, that Goku, watching from the bed, begins to grow uneasy. Finally, he calls out to Sanzo, and when he gets no response, his unease slithers over into real worry.

He jumps out of bed and approaches the tiny bathroom, standing in the doorway. It almost looks as if Sanzo has fallen into another trance, leaning with his hands on the edge of the sink as he stares into the mirror.

"Sanzo?"

No answer, no movement. Nothing. Not even when Goku raises his voice. So Goku reaches out and puts a hand on Sanzo's shoulder, skin pleasantly warm beneath his touch. Sanzo jumps, and he forces his gaze away from the mirror with an effort of concentration in order to face Goku.

"Goku?"

He eyes dart rapidly from one of Goku's eyes to the other, never settling on either one, until his gaze wanders almost uncontrollably back towards the mirror. Before Sanzo has a chance to become transfixed again, however, Goku takes action, gently but firmly pulling Sanzo towards him. He ends up having to physically turn Sanzo's face away from the mirror, as well.

"Sanzo, look at me. Look at _me._ You're _here_ with _me_. Right? Sanzo?"

Sanzo looks so confused, so lost in some other world, that it frightens Goku, and he needs to bring him back.

"Goku?"

"Yeah, it's me, your little monkey. Are you with me, Sanzo?"

"No. I'm… _not_… "

Sanzo closes his eyes tightly, knotting his brows together and twitching the corner of his lips in concentration. Goku letshis hand slip from Sanzo's face up to brush through his hair in a gentle caress. Sanzo takes adeep, shakybreath.

"I couldn't… find it. My soul. Am I… am I _dead_, Goku?"

Goku's heart twists painfully, for what seems like the millionth time since that fortuneteller came into their lives and left them with this curse.

Goku pulls Sanzo into his arms, strangling a sob in his throat as he presses his face against his chest.

"Goku, My silly, silly monkey, don't cry for me. I don't want your tears. You shouldn't… you shouldn't cry for the dead. A dead man doesn't need tears."

"Sanzo, you're not _dead_. Don't say it anymore. You're not _dead_, you're _not_."

Sanzo gently silences Goku by placing his fingers over the monkey's lips. He takes Goku's chin in his hand and tilts back his head.

"Shh…don't be sad for me."

A soft kiss descends upon Goku's trembling lips, and for a moment tears are forgotten as Goku just melts into it. But it comes to an unexpectedly sudden end when Sanzo goes tense, breaking the kiss as he pushes Goku away from him, backing himself against the wall.Various emotions play over his face, from concern and confusion, and perhaps even a touch of fear, to anger, before finally settling into a cold, hard mask of stone.

"Goku. I don't… _need_ your tears. I thought I told you… I don't need _you_. _Konzen's monkey."_

A flash of pain ignites Sanzo's eyes, and the mask cracks a little. Then, it shatters, breaking apart completely as his face falls in agonized despair. He turns away, shoulders shaking, leaning over the sink with his hair hanging downi nto his eyes. Goku feels real tears threatening to fall, but forces them back. He must be strong for Sanzo's sake, as well as his own. He must not let himself get upset enough to fall into another mental lapse, or he won't be able to do anything for Sanzo at all.

"Sanzo, you gotta get dressed or you'll get cold."

Tentatively, not knowing if his help will be accepted, he picks up a towel and drapes it over Sanzo's naked shoulders. Then he turns and goes to fetch Sanzo's clothing from where it still lies discarded on the floor beside the bed.

The offered clothing is accepted without protest, Goku handing him each item piece by piece as Sanzo obediently puts them on, eyeing Goku warily as he does so. Goku doesn't like that suspicious look in Sanzo's eyes, but he does his best to ignore it. Once Sanzo is fully dressed, Goku decides his next mission is to get him out of the bathroom before he ends up getting lost in the mirror again.

"Sanzo,you hungry? I am. I'm really starving. Come on, let's go find Gojyo and Hakkai and make them feed us."

He holds out his hand to Sanzo, and is sorely disappointed, but not surprised, when Sanzo just stares at his hand as if it was a mortal enemy or a rabid slug. He lets his hand drop.

"Come on, Sanzo. The sooner we eat, the sooner we can get back on the road. West, remember?"

This, at least, gets a reaction from Sanzo.

"West. Yes, we have to go. Before it's too late."

But he makes no move to leave, just standing in place with an almost pleading look haunting his eyes.

"Sanzo, what's wrong?"

"Goku? Will you… will you help me?"

Goku's heart melts. He nods his head in a definitive confirmation.

"I'll never leave you, Sanzo. Not ever."

Sanzo visibly relaxes. His lips twitch briefly in a tiny, tiny ghost of a smile. He holds outone hand, and Goku grasps it without hesitation.

"Do you _promise _me, Goku? No matter how bad things get?"

Goku smiles.

"I promise. I'll _never, ever_ leave you. No matter what."

"Not even if… if I _tell_ you to go? Not even if I try to drive you away?"

Goku gives Sanzo's hand a light squeeze.

"Of course not. I'm still here now, aren't I?"

Sanzo blinks, wide-eyed, before dropping his gaze to the floor. Hesitantly, almost timidly, he raises his eyes to Goku's again.

"Not even if… not even if I… _hurt _you again?"

Right now, what Goku wants so badly to do is to reach out to Sanzo, to hold him and give him all the reassurance he seems to so desperately need, but he can't, because he doesn't know how well Sanzo will take it, if it would be accepted or if Sanzo would just end up pushing him away, or worse, going into hysterics again. So instead, he just gives his hand another squeeze, and offers his word with all the sincerity of his aching heart.

"I promise. No matter how dark it gets, we'll still have each other, always, and I'll never leave you. I'll always be your little monkey, and I'll always be at your side. I _promise_."

Sanzo sighs, long and deep, and closes his eyes, looking more at peace than he has in a long time. When again he looks at Goku, it is almost as if he has reached deep inside himself and managed to salvage some remnant of sanity, a fragment of his old self. There is a hard glint of determination in his eyes, but it has something of a wavering quality to it, a certain fragility that makes it appear as breakable as it is frighteningly desperate.

Sanzo is desperately trying to hold himself together, even as his mind is falling apart, and Goku can see that clearly now, vowing to himself that he will always be at Sanzo's side to pick up the pieces and glue him back together again. No matter what.

Sanzo pulls his hand away fromGoku. He takes another moment to pull himself together, and when he speaks, his voice is quiet and a little bit shaky, but full of new resolve. Even if that resolve seems somewhat weak and unsubstantial, at least it is there,and Goku is glad to hear it.

"Then let's go, little monkey. _Go to the west_."

TO BE CONTINUED


	22. Burning

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 22**

**Burning**

Hakkai and Gojyo can't help but gape a little when Sanzo and Goku emerge from the room. Sanzo just looks so… _normal_, determined and hard-set, with his head held up high. And Goku is, for the first time in quite a while, actually giving Sanzo some _space_. What's more, the little monkey's eyes are shining brightly with pride and hope.

"Hakkai, Gojyo! Quick, we need food energy! We're starving to _death_!"

After a rushed meal, throughout which Sanzo eats little and stresses the need to hurry, Hakkai offers Sanzo a glass of water and a tablet.

"Sanzo, please swallow this, and then we can get going."

Sanzo eyes the tablet expressionlessly, and then flicks his eyes up to Hakkai with a cold and suspicious glare.

"Request rejected."

This is undeniably and obviously a flat refusal on Sanzo's part, but Hakkai persists.

"Now, Sanzo, this is just a sedative. It'll only take a second to swallow, and it'll help you to relax."

Sanzo is twitching with irritation and frustration, struggling to keep himself in control.

"_No._ I won't have you treating me like a sick child."

"Sanzo, we'd rather you didn't have another outburst."

Sanzo has his eyes closed now as a wave of disgust and anger rises up and washes over the self-control he has managed to collect, threatening to wash it away.

"Sanzo?"

"I said _no_! I won't take any fucking pills!"

Sanzo lashes out, knocking the glass from Hakkai's hand, and it shatters on the floor. Sanzo turns away, shaking and covering his face with his hand, struggling to gather himself together so as not to follow the glass's example. When he feels Hakkai's hand on his shoulder, he shrugs it off and stands abruptly.

"I've had enough of this. Let's go. There's no time to waste here."

He stalks outside, Goku not far behind, and Hakkai and Gojyo are left staring wordlessly after them.

"Gojyo, go keep a watch on them, I'll finish up here."

Gojyo stirs himself and follows the path of the other two. Hakkai watches his departure, and then looks down at the broken glass sadly for a moment, before turning his attention to the doctor, using the gold card to pay for his services as well as a few bottles of the tablets.

XXX

Outside, Hakkai finds Sanzo and the others; the two smokers leaning against the wall while engaged in their perpetual habit, with Goku crouched down on the ground not far from where Sanzo is standing. All are quiet, which is a relief. Together, they set a fast pace on the walk out of town, and once clear of the populated streets, Hakuryu quickly transforms and they are ready to go.

As is the routine of late, Gojyo jumps automatically into the front seat, not thinking anything of it. Sanzo stops dead in his tracks, eyebrow twitching and his fists clenched. It feels as if Hakkai and Gojyo are _trying _to make him go even crazier than he already is. Sanzo decides that there is no way in hell that he is just going to let them get away with this kind of intolerable treatment and relent submissively as they seem to expect. He takes a deep breath and approaches the jeep, eyes locked on the offender. He wants to hit Gojyo, to put him in his place, but that won't go over very well in the present circumstances. Sanzo knows that his own behaviour is still on surveillance due to his previous actions.

Perhaps it's about time he works on changing that.

"Gojyo, get out of my seat. Now."

Gojyo looks up, startled. There is so much anger in Sanzo's eyes, anger that flickers and churns throughout a chaotic mess of confusion, anger that swims frantically in a sea of mad desperation and swirling emotions. Besides Sanzo's words, Gojyo is sure he can see another message written in the turbulence within Sanzo's eyes, and he reads it thus:

_I don't know who the hell I am anymore or what my place is, so just get your ass out of my seat so I can at least pretend that I do._

And Gojyo is _relieved_. He is relieved to see that Sanzo is trying to come back to himself and regain some control in his life, and so Gojyo is more than happy to oblige and jump into the back with Goku, exchanging a brief, happy look with Hakkai as he does so.

Satisfied, Sanzo lights up a fresh cigarette and leans back in the seat as the jeep begins to move, trying to relax his nerves. It isn't long, though, before Gojyo has him twitching again.

"Hey, Sanzo. Pass the lighter back."

Gojyo has his hand extended, palm up, expecting Sanzo to comply. Sanzo eyes the hand for a moment, considering, and then makes up his mind.

"Hell, no. It's mine, so keep your grubby hands to yourself."

Sanzo clutches the lighter in question tightly as he waits for Gojyo's response.

"Ah, Sanzo. You can use it when you need to, but you can't _keep_ it. Hand it over."

"I refuse. What do you think I'm going to do, burn myself, light myself on fire? I already have a fucking fire in my head, so why would I want to do that? I'm keeping the damn lighter, and that's final."

Hakkai intervenes.

"Gojyo, let him keep it for today, if he wants."

Gojyo withdraws his hand somewhat uneasily, but when Hakkai catches his eye through the rear view mirror, Hakkai is obviously _pleased._ This makes Gojyo reconsider the situation, and in a moment, he smiles. Yes, Hakkai is right. Perhaps the old Sanzo is beginning to return to them, and they should give him a chance to prove it.

XXX

"Hey, Goku. For the hundredth time, stop squishing me and get over to your side of the seat, dumb monkey."

Goku is starting to seriously get on Gojyo's nerves.

"But… then trade seats with me, Gojyo!"

"Why should I, huh? What's so great about this seat?"

"Umm…"

Gojyo watches as Goku glances at Sanzo, his golden eyes lingering on him with a kind of urgent need. Ah, so Goku wants to get closer to Sanzo, and Gojyo's seat is right behind Sanzo's. Gojyo smirks. The temptation to tease Goku is strong, especially considering how close the monk and his monkey have become lately. Damn, the two are even _sleeping _together now, as in _intimately, _and if that's not a reason to tease the hell out of Goku, then _nothing_ is!

"_Oh_, so _that's_ it. You want to sit here so you can snuggle up to _Sanzo's_ seat. You two are such little lovebirds these days; I guess you just can't stand to be parted from one another this long, eh? That's so _sweet_."

Goku cringes a little, caught red-handed in his intentions. It's true that his need to be close to Sanzo is so strong, that it has become an undeniable weakness, especially since he tends to suffer serious side effects when that contact is withheld from him. From the front seat, Sanzo growls and punches a fist against the dash, earning a sharp _"Kyuu!"_ of complaint from the dragon. He stands, whirling to face the back. Alarmed, Hakkai slowly brings the jeep to a halt, not wanting Sanzo to fall out of the moving vehicle. Sanzo is yelling, hands clutching the back of the seat in a white-knuckled grip.

"_Shut up_! Just shut up, all of you! I don't need that monkey, do you hear me? I didn't ask for any of this, and I _don't _need your stupid pills or doctors or… _rules _of conduct. I'm supposed to be in control, I'm supposed to be _leading_ this mission, not… not being _led around on a leash_ by a bunch of idiot _demons_. I may have lost my fucking mind somewhere along the way, and my soul is either lost or fucked up so bad that I can't even _find_ it anymore, and I may be as good as _dead_, but I am _not _weak, and I am _not _giving up! I'm… I don't know _who_ I am, but I _will _be strong, and you bunch of idiots will _not_ take that away from me, do you hear?"

Sanzo glares at each of his companions in turn, scalding them with the raging fire that burns behind his eyes. In his struggle to keep himself in check and not go totally haywire, he is shaking uncontrollably and breathing hard, his fingers digging into the seat. Feeling a little faint, he sinks down onto his knees in the chair.

"Hakkai, do you hear me? I don't need you treating me like some kind of an invalid. I just need you to drive the goddamned jeep. Do you think you can you manage that?"

"Yes, Sanzo, but…"

"Shut up! I _don't_ want to hear it. And _Gojyo_. I don't need _you_ treating me like some juvenile delinquent. You're not my fucking parole officer, so mind your own damn business. I know I was messed up before, what I did, but… just go shove your own lighter up your ass and leave me out of your control shit. And before you say anything else, just _shut up_!"

Everyone is silent as Sanzo takes a moment to breath, and then raises his eyes to Goku.

"Goku. _You_. You I especially do not need. I do not need you _drowning_ me in your pathetic tears, or _suffocating_ me with your constant attention. Do you hear me? I don't _need _you. Hmph. Devoted little monkey my ass. Guess you'll just have to wait for your little god to come crawling back and get what you need from him."

"But… Sanzo, _you're _the one who… I need _you_!"

"Shut up! Stop your whining, clingy little monkey. I don't want to hear it. If you want to help me, then just be there at the end. Help me win this thing."

"I already _promised_ I would."

"_Promise_? Since when did any of us ever promise each other anything?"

"But…"

"_Shut up_. My head's going to explode if you don't just shut up. Brains all over the jeep, blood and brains and fire. Shit, shit, _shit_ it _burns_."

Sanzo slips out of the jeep, hands over his ears, and starts walking off, muttering to himself.

"Burns, burns, burns, my mind on fire…"

Goku leans forward, gritting his teeth and resisting the urge to run to Sanzo's side. Gojyo whispers to Hakkai.

"Umm, Hakkai… any bright ideas?"

He and Goku watch as Hakkai grinds up one of the tablets and dissolves it in a cup of water. During this time, Sanzo has been getting progressively more agitated, eventually falling to his knees and clutching his head in apparent pain. Holding out the cup, Hakkai calls to him.

"Sanzo! _Sanzo_! Have some _water._ If you drink some it might put out the fire!"

Sanzo looks up, shaking his head doubtfully.

"No, no, it's too _bright_."

"Gojyo, bring it to him."

"Hey, why do _I_ have to go?"

"Because he's sick of Goku and I tending to him. Don't worry, he doesn't have his gun on him, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Gojyo grabs the cup and approaches Sanzo, kneeling down next to him.

"Sanzo, your water."

Sanzo looks at Gojyo intently, seemingly fixated on studying his hair and eyes. Slowly he reaches out with one hand and catches Gojyo's hair with his fingers.

"Fire is _red_. It _burns_."

"Yeah, no kidding. Drink this, it'll put the fire _out."_

"Why should I believe you? You're a _water _sprite, and yet you still _burn_."

"Ah, but that's what makes me so special. My secret recipe, fire and water. Don't go spilling my secret to the world now, Sanzo. It's just between me and you."

Gojyo winks, and Sanzo grabs the cup roughly with his free hand, the one not currently caught in Gojyo's hair. Gojyo is forced to reach out and steady the cup in Sanzo's shaking hand.

"Careful, don't spill _this_ either."

Quickly, desperately, Sanzo guzzles down the water, and then throws down the cup with a curse.

"Shit! It didn't work, you lying bastard! I should have known not to trust a burning water sprite."

"It_ will _work. Just give it a chance, Sanzo. And could you stop pulling my hair?"

Sanzo releases his hold on Gojyo's hair and sinks down, sprawling out bonelessly on the ground next to Gojyo. As time passes, he gradually begins to feel calmer.

Watching intently, Goku yells out to them, wanting Sanzo back in the jeep and suddenly feeling a little jealous of Gojyo and Sanzo's interaction, however brief and insignificant it may be. Sanzo is _his,_ and his alone.

"Sanzo! West! We have to go west, remember? _Hurry_! There's no time!"

Sanzo murmurs an agreement, something about noisy monkeys calling him west, and starts to push himself to his feet. Gojyo grabs his arm and hauls him the rest of the way up. Annoyed, Sanzo brushes him off.

"Don't touch me. I don't like it. But… "

He studies Gojyo again curiously out of the corner of his eye.

"But what, Sanzo?"

"I _like_ your _water_. _Nice_ water."

Gojyo laughs.

"Hey, thanks, man. Anytime you need to chill out, just let me know, and the water's all yours."

"That's… _cool_."

Gojyo grins again at Sanzo's response. Drugging Sanzo is kind of _fun._ Maybe they should have started feeding Sanzo sedatives a long time ago, they could have saved a lot of poor, innocent restaurant walls from bullet wounds along the way.

XXX

At the end of the day, they stop to camp out for the night. Hakkai and Gojyo talk quietly as they gather firewood, observing Sanzo and Goku from a distance. Sanzo is sitting on a log, just quietly smoking as he stares into the fire, and Goku is seated on the ground across the fire from him, watching him intently. Gojyo snickers.

"In a way it's almost like Goku is _stalking _Sanzo. The monkey's _obsessed. _How healthy is that?"

"Hmm… I just hope he doesn't blank out on us again. It seems to happen when he gets upset over Sanzo."

"I'm not surprised Sanzo's starting to get sick of the attention. Goku can be very annoying at times, and he was practically hanging onto Sanzo 24/7. Hey, do you think… "

"What?"

"Sanzo was really out of it last night after the attack, like completely traumatized. Do you suppose Goku might have taken advantage of the situation as an opportunity to get even closer to Sanzo? They were both naked the next morning, and seriously, I just can't see _Sanzo_ _willingly _letting the monkey into his pants."

"I don't think Goku would ever do anything against Sanzo, Gojyo. They've been physically closer ever since we found them on the road that day. Keep in mind, also, that Sanzo isn't exactly himself right now. He does all kinds of things he wouldn't normally do."

"True. But still… the whole thing's just _weird_ and it makes me wonder, you know? Sanzo's _nuts_, but Goku doesn't have that excuse, and he's acting _creepy, _if you ask me."

"He cares about Sanzo and he's worried. He wants to look after him and keep him safe. Is that really so creepy?"

"Okay, I'll admit you've got a point. Maybe _I'm_ just a little creeped out about the whole Sanzo and Goku thing, you know?"

Hakkai laughs softly.

"Gojyo, I hardly think this topic is at the top of our list of things to worry about. On a more serious note, I'm concerned about the next attack. It could come at any time, and Sanzo is at a serious disadvantage unarmed."

"I wouldn't feel very safe about giving him back his gun right now. I've had some close calls with that thing even when Sanzo was _sane,_ for crying out loud."

"I have to agree with you. He's still far too unstable to be trusted with a firearm. But… you know he hasn't once asked for it back, either. I take that as a sign that part of him knows he isn't ready, and he doesn't want to end up hurting us. I actually feel optimistic about the lighter, though. I think he needs to have a little bit of control back in his life. There was that incident today with him scratching himself, but… his attitude… that almost _evil _attitude is gone now. He _killed_ those people in the temple, but ever since he shot himself, I think he's been improving."

"Yeah. Hey, maybe we should try talking to him, or something. Psychotherapy, you know? Preferably without Goku getting in the way and hanging onto every word."

"I doubt Sanzo would be very cooperative, but it doesn't hurt to try."

"Ha, now _that's_ a scary thought, _us _playing shrink."

"Yes, the idea _is_ rather bizarre, isn't it?"

"But it's _funny, _too, like a sick joke, or something. Hey, maybe we can get Sanzo to _laugh_ his way back to good mental health."

"Sanzo doesn't laugh. He'll probably just glare us to death."

"Damn monk, he just _had _to go getting all insane on us, as if he wasn't already crazy enough before."

XXX

When Hakkai and Gojyo return to the campfire, Goku and Sanzo are still sitting quietly. Hakkai addresses Goku cheerfully.

"Goku, we couldn't find much firewood over that way, would you go look around somewhere else for us?

"But… why do _I_ hafta do it? I wanna stay _here_, with..."

"Goku, please don't be stubborn. It's a simple task, and a simple request. We can't _cook _without a good fire, and we don't have very much wood yet. The fire won't last."

Goku makes no move to get up, and finally, it is Sanzo who kicks him into gear.

"Goku, Goku. I thought monkeys like playing in the trees. So stop being such a baby and just _do_ it. You're embarrassing yourself. Find something else to do besides stare at me all night, silly monkey. It's annoying the hell out of me."

Goku gets up and sulks off into the bush, and when he is a reasonable distance away, Sanzo speaks again.

"So, what are you two sneaky little foxes up to? I'm all ears, so out with it."

Gojyo chuckles.

"Oh, suspicious, aren't you? I was just wondering how you were doing with that lighter?"

"Fuck off."

"I'll take that as a, 'Fine, thank you so much for asking, Gojyo.'"

Sanzo snorts and lies down, stretching himself out along the length of the log.

"Whatever. Leave me alone if you don't have anything to say."

"Actually, Sanzo."

"Spit it out, Hakkai. Like I said, I'm listening."

"Actually, we were wondering about your mental state. You seem to be improving. What do you think about that?"

"I can't _think_ at all, not with this hellfire burning in my head.Soon, there won't be anything _left_. Does that sound like _improvement_ to you?"

"You don't feel that you're getting better at all? Excuse me for being blunt, but you haven't tried to _hurt_ anyone. Isn't that a good thing?"

A deep humming sound starts in Sanzo's throat, a frown forming on his face as he closes his eyes tightly.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo is starting to look decidedly uncomfortable, turning his head from one side to the other and clawing lightly at the bark of the tree trunk, the humming gradually increasing in volume, until, abruptly, the sound stops. Sanzo continues to dig at the bark, growing more insistent, as though he is able to draw some kind of comfort from the repetitive action.

"Sanzo, please be still, you'll only end up hurting your hands. I'm sorry if we've upset you. Sanzo?"

Slowly, Sanzo opens his eyes. They are dark and hollow as he turns them on his two friends.

"What does… what does _darkness_ feel like? Does it _hurt_? Maybe it won't be so bad, in the end. Just have to get there, before it's too late. West, west, west, into the dark."

Silence floods the night again, tense and charged with an ominous feel. Gojyo breaks it suddenly, using an exaggerated tone of voice, as if he were telling a horror story to a group of kids.

"Beware, for we travel into darkness, into danger, into the west. _Genjo Sanzo_, _Cho Hakkai, Sha Gojyo_ and _Son Goku_. Will we survive? Only time will tell."

Sanzo starts to laugh, then, and by the sound of it, it is born more of actual amusement than insanity. Watching him, Gojyo and Hakkai can't help but smile, as well. When the laughter dies down, the silence that is left is a more comfortable one, filled with quiet companionship and trust. Gojyo lights a cigarette, and soon after Sanzo does as well. No one notices the pair of golden eyes glinting in the dark, as Goku watches them intently with suspicion and jealous anger.

"So, when do I get my gun back? Or are you bastards having too much fun watching my helpless ass rot uselessly? Huh. I hope _Konzen_ didn't do anything too embarrassing with my body. That twisted creep. He's only good for one thing. And that does _not _include stealing my monkey."

Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a look. So Sanzo _does _want his weapon back, after all. Gojyo clears his throat.

"So, Sanzo. You're not thinking of… _shooting_ us, are you? Or _suicide_, or anything? You _do_ want to make it to India first, right? You're not thinking of extinguishing that fire in your head with the help of a little bullet?"

Sanzo chuckles, amused again. He points a finger at the side of his head in an imitation of a gun.

"Bang."

Gojyo smiles grimly.

"Ah, I hate to break it to you Sanzo, but joking around like that isn't likely to get you your gun back any sooner. You were _joking_, right? You don't actually wanna…"

"Fuck, no. I'm already dead. Anyway, I have a job to do first. West, west, west."

Hakkai tosses another stick into the fire.

"We will consider your request Sanzo. But you do understand our concerns."

"Mmm. Just don't keep me in suspense too long. I feel like a worthless piece of shit right now. It would help if I could at least blow the brains out of the next demon assassin we meet. Anger management therapy, or something. Maybe... I could _think _again."

Sanzo hisses as if in pain, and smacks his head down hard against the trunk beneath him.

"Hey, Sanzo."

"Spit it out, Gojyo."

"Do you want some more of my special water? To put the fire out?"

"No. Leave me alone."

"Are you sure? Doesn't the fire hurt? My water will cool you down. Want some?"

"No. Yes. _Maybe_."

"Is that a _yes_?"

"Mmm. Whatever."

"Great. I'll go get it. Back in a jiff."

Gojyo stands, whistling a tune as he heads to the jeep, but…

A sudden, urgent shout from Goku shatters the hard-earned good cheer that this night has won.

"_Sanzo! We're under attack!"_

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	23. Monkey Play

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 23**

**Monkey Play**

Once, a shining sun found a creature crying in the dark. The sun plucked the creature from the darkness and bathed it in light, and it was so very bright, yet somehow also devoid of warmth. The creature soaked it in regardless of the temperature, and even now, to this day, he still does not care about the cold. Under the intense rays of the sun, within the unwelcoming embrace of its frigid radiance, the creature thrives, and devotion blooms.

But one day, the light changes.

Now, it no longer shines clearly and predictably, but is instead filtered through a screen of darkness, and it _burns_. Oh, how it _burns_. Yet the creature is not aware of it. In his molten eyes, the sun is as brilliant as ever it was, and he remains faithfully devoted, as ever _he_ was.

Forced to struggle on through black shadows, the creature is deeply injured, burnt clear through to the soul. Now, the only thing holding him together is a damaged and tormented sun, a sun that has eagerly taken from him and hurt him and yet never once thanked him for his love, even though it knows it had been wrong. A sun that turns its shining face away from him and tells him it does not need him, does not _want _him. Yet the creature's devotion remains strong, his longing for the light still intact, and it becomes a raging inferno in his heart. It rages, and as it does so, it _changes. _

Devotion becomes _obsession._

XXX

"_Sanzo! We're under attack!"_

Goku's cry of warning cuts through the air, and instantly, Gojyo and Hakkai are on alert. As quickly as Hakkai is on his feet, Gojyo's weapon is in his hand, and in a split-second's notice they are ready to fight, ready to kill and ready to defend, whatever they may be up against.

Sanzo's reaction to the sudden threat is more delayed, less interested. His perceptions, distorted by insanity as they have become, do not register any danger. He simply sits up casually, distracted by the carcinogenic smoke drifting away from the cigarette held between his fingers, watching it curl up into the night sky to mingle with the more aromatic smoke of the wood fire. Vaguely, he wonders why there isn't also a plume of smoke spewing from his ears, and this thought troubles him. Frowning, he tilts his head to one side and slaps the opposite ear with his palm, hoping to unblock the smoke and perhaps clear his head.

The sudden, serious quiet that has descended upon them since Goku's shout remains unbroken, except for the crackling of the campfire. Sanzo swings his leg over the log to sit facing in the direction that Goku's voice had come from. As the soles of his bare feet press lightly against the cool grass, something catches his attention, and he stares out into the night, heedless of the smoke stinging his eyes. His gaze comes to rest on a set of inhuman eyes that shine eerily in the dark, like those of some wild animal hesitant about approaching the fire.

These are Goku's eyes, watching him from the shadows.

Catching his breath, both fascinated and all at once hyper-aware, Sanzo tosses his cigarette carelessly into the fire and licks his lips. Goku is up to something, a game of some sort, and Sanzo is intrigued. He leans forward intently, wordlessly whispering Goku's name in a silent plea, although what he is asking for he does not know. Suddenly, the glowing eyes blink out, vanishing into the dark. Disappointed and a little anxious, an interesting thought sparks to life in Sanzo's mind as he digs his twitching fingers into the bark.

His monkey wants to _play_.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo are on edge and listening intently, all senses tuned to pick up the slightest disturbance. After a moment, Gojyo's voice emits, by the sound of it rather impatient and annoyed,

"Goku? Where _are_ they?"

Hakkai slowly swivels his head, carefully scanning the perimeter of the small clearing, and, as he does so, Goku's voice calls out again, high pitched and slicing through the shadows.

"Over here! I didn't even see them coming at all! They… they say they just want to talk to _Sanzo_. I… Hakkai… you can't _let_ them…

Something crashes in the bushes, followed by a loud _crack_.

_Ow! _Shit! _Hakkai, Gojyo_!"

"_Goku!"_

There is a simultaneous shout from both Hakkai and Gojyo before each concentrate on the position of Goku's voice, homing in on the location. What could possibly have surprised Goku so _totally_? What in all _hell_ are they _up_ against? Gojyo catches Hakkai's eye and gestures in Sanzo's direction. Following this brief and wordless exchange, Hakkai nods almost imperceptivity, and Gojyo's responds with a slight tensing of the muscles around his eyes and mouth. For better or for worse, the decision has been made.

"Hey, blondie. Here's your chance. Make us proud."

With these words, Gojyo tosses Sanzo his gun.

XXX

Faced as they are now with an uncertain and potentially very dangerous adversary, Sanzo needs all the protection he can get. Even if giving him his gun puts Hakkai and Gojyo at risk of becoming targets themselves, then that is simply a necessary gamble. They will not endanger Sanzo just to save themselves from additional danger, and if he turns against them now, then so be it. They'll just have to watch their backs. However, judgment tells them that they are most likely beyond the point of having to worry about Sanzo turning the gun on them, or on himself.

_Most likely._

As for Sanzo, he doesn't pause to consider why the gun is being returned to him now.As soon as the familiar object lands in his possession, he wraps his hands longingly and possessively around its metallic shape, thrilled by the contact so long forbidden to him. This weapon has over time become, after all, almost like a part of him, and being able to hold it now serves to fill one of the many empty spaces inside his heart. This reunion with a lifeless piece of steel is a moment of comfort and triumph.

As a result, Sanzo is not paying any attention to Hakkai at all, so entranced is he by the weapon beneath his fingers. For the moment, he has even forgotten that Goku has invited him to play his mysterious game. So he does not notice Hakkai remove his headband. Beneath the strip of cloth, the green-eyed man still sports the fake chakra, meticulously kept in place just in case it is needed. It is only when Hakkai's voice rings out clearly into the night, filtering through the trees and into the impenetrable darkness beyond, that Sanzo freezes at the words that strike him like instant frostbite.

"I am Genjo Sanzo. Show yourselves. I do not conduct business with shadows."

Sanzo's almost feverish mood of excitement snaps immediately in the sub-zero temperature of the cold front that suddenly hits him smack in the face.

XXX

_Hakkai says he is Genjo Sanzo?_

Sanzo blinks in disbelief, the icy wave passing over and leaving numb shock in its wake.

_Hakkai is Sanzo?_

Disbelief quickly crosses over into confusion, and a virtual explosion of fireworks comes to sudden, vicious life in his head, causing him to wince from illusory, non-existent pain.

_How can Hakkai be Sanzo? Hakkai cannot be Sanzo, because Genjo Sanzo does not exist._

Confusion darkens and spreads, rapidly becoming suspicion and doubt.

_Why is Hakkai saying this? Why?_

Finally, suspicion hovers precariously on the brink of anger.

_How dare Hakkai say that? How dare he._

The distinctive _click_ is very loud as Sanzo cocks the gun. The sound pleases him like nothing else, and it instills a dose of confidence to his trembling hands. Forced to flinch every time the fire assaults his senses in an internal attack of mental chaos, he clutches the gun tightly as an anchor to reality, and anchor that has been pitched overboard in blind desperation, and which has landed in the heart as a result, instead of in the ground. It is dragging him under, even as he struggles to make it keep him afloat. Shaking, he braces his feet up against the log, struggling to aim and focus on his target, which just so happens to be the back of Hakkai's head.

Sanzo's thoughts are racing and exploding, turning in on themselves in a mess of distorted agitation,

_'Hakkai is not Sanzo. Sanzo is dead. Hakkai is trying to confuse me. There is no more Genjo Sanzo, because he has failed. Bad, bad Sanzo. He must be punished. Punished. Yes.'_

_'Take away his mind.'_

_'Yes!'_

_'Take away his life.'_

_'Yes!'_

_' His soul?'_

_'Oh, Yes, that too. Especially that.'_

_'Take away his gun, his scripture, take away his name.'_

_'Take away his monkey?'_

_'NO!'_

_'No, not him, not Goku, not my monkey. No one can take him away.'_

_'But you can't keep him.'_

_'Then I will send him away myself.'_

_'But… Hakkai is not Sanzo, and he cannot have any of those things. Hakkai is not Sanzo. Hakkai cannot be Genjo Sanzo.'_

_'Make it stop. Make Hakkai stop.'_

Hakkai and Gojyo glance at Sanzo when they hear the gun being readied, and Gojyo mutters a curse. Sanzo responds with a short, sharp laugh. He can barely breath and he can barley think, but he can hold a gun, and he remembers how to use it. Oh, _yes_, he remembers. And his Goku is out there, out there among the trees in the dark, hiding, _playing_, and he swears he can hear the monkey, silently laughing along with him in his head. _Is this fun_? Is this a game? Confused, Sanzo asks it aloud,

"Hakkai, is this… a _game_? Is Goku…is he _playing_ with us? But… he didn't tell us the rules. Silly monkey didn't tell us the rules. Now it's too late. I have to make my _own _rules."

Gojyo sucks in his breath and practically hisses at Sanzo,

"_Hey_. You need to save those bullets for the _enemy_."

Sanzo only looks more confused, blinking with uncertainty behind the security of the loaded gun as he wonders aloud,

"_Enemy_?"

Hakkai shifts his stance slightly, cocking his head in thought, as he considers Sanzo's words. Somehow, they seem to hold some hidden significance.

"What do you mean… is Goku _playing_ with us?"

Seeming to catch some of the drift of Hakkai's concern, Gojyo lets out a breath and grits his teeth, adjusting his grip on the weapon in his hands. The tension builds as the silence stretches on. As if to break this agonizing silence, Sanzo begins to hum, the sound droning softly from his throat upon each exhale of breath. Tensing his legs, he pushes back against the log until his muscles begin to tremble and ache. He interrupts his wordless chant to whisper an uneasy complaint,

"I don't… _like_ this game."

"Then _end_ it."

Goku's voice again.

Hakkai, although he is beginning to suspect he already knows the answer, calls out into the dark,

"Goku. _Where_ is the enemy?"

Goku snickers darkly; a sound that immediately puts Hakkai on alert,

"The _enemy_? You want to know where the enemy is? Maybe… Maybe it's _you._"

With these words, Goku steps out of the shadows, into the light of the fire.

XXX

There is nothing different about Goku's appearance now. But yet something has changed. His face and body are set with hard anger, and something else as well. There is a _need_ in his eyes, a _hunger_, like a beast deprived of the basic necessities of survival.

Hakkai utters Goku's name softly even as another curse slips from Gojyo's tongue. Sanzo gasps sharply, muscles finally giving out. He slips from his perch on the log and crumples to his knees on the ground, the gun falling from his grasp. In Sanzo's eyes Goku is…

Ferocious, demanding, _all claws and fangs._

In his eyes, Goku has become…

Wild, savage, dangerous.

A_ beast._

Recent memories flash through Sanzo's mind, twisted memories made more distorted still by his confusion and mental unrest. Memories of a time spent running mad with something purely demonic, unleashed by his very own hand. Memories of a dark time filled with horror and blood and physical hurt, a time that had seemed _perfect _but which now lives on in his mind only as a nightmare.

Now, despite himself, despite the sudden dread and terror that seize his heart and make it pound violently in his chest, Sanzo is overcome also with a delicious shiver of anticipation and a strange, deep and forbidden longing. For within the depths of that terrible dream come true, he had obtained something wonderful, something elusive. He had _found_ it and he had _lived _it, even if, ultimately, it had been _wrong. _Even though he had wound up injecting a bullet through his own heart just to make it _stop_. Even if in the end, it had proved to be _impossible_ to keep.

However tainted it may have been, he had found_ peace._

Looking at Goku now, Sanzo's breath strangles in his throat, and he feels as if his heart will stop. For, in his eyes, Goku is that monster once again, and he has returned to play one more _wicked_ game.

Calmly, so very calmly that it even manages to reach through to Sanzo and bring him back to reality a little, Hakkai poses a question.

"So, Goku. What are the _rules_ of this game?"

TO BE CONTINUED


	24. Devotion Gone Mad

**My Sun, My Supernova **

**Chapter 24 **

**Devotion Gone Mad**

Firelight dances in the dark, illuminating and casting shadows upon the faces of four figures. There are shadows gathering in the hearts of these four as well, for Goku stands apart from the other three, his fists clenched, raw anger radiating from him in undeniable waves. Hakkai and Gojyo know; this anger is directed at _them_.

But this is so _wrong,_ because this is _Goku_, the fun-loving monkey boy, yet the two are forced to face him now asa threat. Across the fire, Sanzo stares transfixed, spooked by a hallucination that seems all too real, a vision that masks Goku in his demon form. Sanzo is aware that Hakkai is speaking to the demon that is Goku, and the sound of the soothing voice penetrates through his fear and somewhat eases his mind.

"Every game has rules, Goku. Rules maintain order and ensure fair play. You have to let us know what they are before you can expect us to play with you."

Goku frowns as if Hakkai has just made a statement worthy of a death sentence. His answer is hard and vehement yet there is a slight waver in his voice.

"I… don't care about _rules_."

Hakkai does not miss the note of doubt, and he latches onto that uncertainty, patiently working to diffuse Goku's unchecked emotions.

"Then it's no good continuing like this, is it? Come sit by the fire, and we'll have something good to eat."

A flash of renewed anger flickers in Goku's eyes.

"_No_."

"Very well, Goku. If you won't tell us the rules, then at least tell us the _point _of the game. What are you trying to win by playing?"

Goku's gaze shifts towards Sanzo. When their eyes meet, Sanzo shrinks back a little, as if to escape.

"That's easy. I want _Sanzo_."

"Goku, Sanzo's not a prize to be won."

"But… I _want _him. And you… you _stole_ him."

Goku turns his eyes sharply upon Gojyo.

"You stole Sanzo _away_ from me."

Gojyo laughs lightly.

"Hey, relax Goku. There's no way in hell I would want to steal Sanzo. He's too…"

"Shut up! Sanzo's _mine._ You're trying to take him away from me."

Hakkai turns to Sanzo and is relieved to see that the gun is no longer in his hand.

"Sanzo? What do you say, are we trying to take you away from Goku?"

Sanzo's eyes widen in surprise. Everyone is looking at him, awaiting an answer, but the question pierces his brain, and he can't _think._ All he can do is keep staring back at Goku, unable to free himself from that strangle hold of gold as it brands him and seems to claim him as its own. Finally, in an exercise of self-control, he forces a small, choked cry from a throat gone desert dry, and with a vigorous shake of the head, manages to break the eye contact. In an effort to regain his composure, he slowly reaches for his cigarettes and lights up with a trembling hand, burning his fingers in the process. One deep inhalation, and he raises his head in his best show of defiance, releasing a stream of smoke from between his lips. He narrows his eyes at Goku, his voice breathy, the words spoken between sharp intakes of air.

"Naughty monkey. Sneaky, tricky, _naughty_ little monkey. I don't _want_ to play with you."

Goku's face contorts for a second, an expression to match his twisted emotions. He growls in frustration, his answer a burst of frustrated fury.

"This isn't a _game_! This is _serious_!"

"Monkeys aren't meant to be serious, Goku. They're only meant to play and have fun. But I don't want to play with you. Are you a monkey, or a _monster_? I don't want to play with a monster."

"S-Sanzo?"

Sanzo nods solemnly,

"Oh, yes, yes, Goku. It's time to end this. We don't have time for silly monkey games. We have to go west, and play a _real_ game. I'll teach you the rules, and we'll play together. Yes, Goku? Will you come play with us, my little monkey?"

"But… but what if… what if I don't want to?"

Sanzo regards Goku intently for a moment, sorting through his thoughts and desperately trying to see his Goku inside that monster looking back at him. Finally, he seems to come to a conclusion, and smiles wickedly, raising himself up into a feral crouch.

"Then you're a monster. Bad, _bad_ little monster. Won't follow the rules. Needs to be _punished_."

Goku gasps, shouting out in anguish.

"No! Sanzo, I _will_ follow. I already promised! Remember, Sanzo? _Sanzo_?"

The illusion dissipates, and Sanzo no longer sees Goku as a demon, but as a boy once again. But something is terribly wrong, for his _eyes _have not changed. They are still a demon's eyes, devious and wild, dangerous and cruel.

Hakkai and Gojyo are beginning to relax just a little, apparently relieved and under the assumption that Goku is beginning to come to his senses, but Sanzo can only stare in disbelief. How can they not see it? How can they not see the_ monster_ in Goku's eyes?

Goku stops pouting suddenly, and his expression changes as if he has just remembered something extremely serious and important. His eyes dart in Hakkai's direction, and then back at Sanzo. He smiles with a strangely malicious twitch of the lips, and speaks softly.

"But there's only _one_ Genjo Sanzo, right? So, who's the trickster here, then? Who's the sneaky, naughty one? Who's playing the bad game? Who needs to be punished? Look, Sanzo, _look_!"

Goku points an accusing finger at Hakkai, and Sanzo turns his head to see.

_The chakra._

Hakkai said he is Genjo Sanzo, and wears the sacred chakra upon his brow as proof. But that is wrong. Hakkai is lying. Hakkai is being a bad, bad boy.

XXX

Unexpectedly, Sanzo reaches for the gun again, and Gojyo and Hakkai freeze. The two of them now find themselves caught between Sanzo with his gun and his confusion on one side, and Goku's anger on the other. They are trapped in a twisted game that has no name, no rules and makes no kind of sense. The only thing that is certain is that Goku is trying to turn Sanzo against them, and that it seems to be working.

Sanzo holds the gun now as if he were doing so for the very first time, his hands shaking and hesitant. He hisses at Hakkai.

"You are _not_ Genjo Sanzo."

Quickly, Hakkai dons the headband, hiding the offending mark from view. But it is already too late. His transgression has not gone unnoticed, cannot be erased, and will not be forgiven.

"Imposter. _Thief._ Give me the scripture."

Gojyo shifts ever so slightly, and Goku's head whirls in his direction, eyes narrowed ferociously. Gojyo clenches his teeth, swallowing a curse. Goku is making his intentions clear. He intends to keep Gojyo from interfering in whatever plan he has in mind. But surely, Goku doesn't actually want Sanzo to _shoot _Hakkai? That's insane. _Insane._

The glass lens of Hakkai's monocle reflects the firelight, rendering that eye invisible. The other is held steady on Sanzo, serious and calm.

"Sanzo, think about what you're doing. I'm your friend, Hakkai, not Genjo Sanzo. I'm not trying to replace you or steal from you. Do you want to shoot me? Do you really want to do that, Sanzo?"

"Shut up. Bad, bad… trying to confuse me. The monkey… the _monster_…it knows. Give it to me, the scripture. You can't have it, you have no right to keep it."

"Sanzo, listen to me. Do you think the scripture is really safe in your possession? Have you forgotten what happened the last time you had it? Or don't you care? Perhaps _you_ are the bad one, Genjo Sanzo."

Sanzo reacts to Hakkai's accusation as if the words cause him actual physical pain, wincing and bringing one hand up to press tightly against his ear.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up! Give it to me, the Maten Scripture! Sanzo can't have it. It's for _him_, now. _Konzen_. Only Konzen. You can't keep it."

Hakkai just shakes his head.

"Sanzo, there is no Konzen, and I haven't stolen the scripture from you. I'm only holding it for you until you get well. Then you can have it back. But until then…"

Suddenly, Goku's laughter cuts Hakkai short.

"Sanzo, don't listen to him. Don't you see? He's trying to confuse you. He's tricking you, and he wants to keep you away from me. Sanzo, you can't let him. You have to punish him."

Sanzo's distress is obvious, and increasing by the moment.

"No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to play this game. The scripture, Sanzo can't… bad Sanzo. I'll prove it. _Prove_ it."

So Sanzo drops the gun and begins to chant.

"Kanjizai bosatsu gyou-jin han-nya ha…"

"_Shit_, Sanzo, what the fuck are you…"

As Gojyo makes to move, Goku is there to block him. Soon, it is too late.

"_Makai Tenjou_!"

But nothing happens. Nothing at all. Hakkai and Gojyo have never seen Sanzo so defeated, but at least all the fight seems to have gone out of him, and perhaps the game is over at last, and in the end, no one had to lose. It all depends on whether or not Goku is finished playing with them. As Hakkai and Gojyo are silently running through their options, Sanzo begins to react.

Furiously, he begins digging at the ground with his fingers, tearing out the grass and scraping at the soil beneath, as if desperately trying to unearth something buried there. All the while, words fall from his lips in a never-ending, senseless stream.

Gojyo glances at Goku, and, seeing the boy just staring at Sanzo, as if momentarily dazed, makes a decision. He moves towards Sanzo, drops his weapon at Sanzo's side, and grabs him by the wrists, restraining his hands. Sanzo responds violently, his fingers already bleeding from his assault on the earth. Gojyo, his heart aching, does the best thing he can think of to calm Sanzo down. He hits him, just enough to knock some sense into him.

Gojyo only has a second to feel relief, however, before Goku is upon him.

There is a warning shout from Hakkai, and then… _pain_. He feels a stunning blow across the back of his head, Goku dragging him by the hair, away from Sanzo, and then… searing _agony_ as Goku thrusts the straight edge of his _own weapon_ into his stomach, thrusting it deep into the ground in order to pin Gojyo in place. Through the pain and the blood, morbid amusement dances through his mind.

'_Shit. Touching Sanzo was definitely the wrong thing to do. _Dead _wrong_.'

Gojyo knows he should have considered the consequences, should have taken Goku's possible reaction into account, shouldn't have turned his back on Goku, but at the time, he had only been thinking of _Sanzo_.

Goku looks into Gojyo's eyes for a moment, before he turns away, and what Gojyo sees in their depths is both comforting and terrifying at the same time. Comforting because there is very little of the Goku that he knows in those angry eyes, indicating that perhaps he doesn't really know what he's doing anymore, and can still be brought the other hand, the idea that Goku has lost his mind is wildly frightening. An insane Sanzo at least they can manage, but_ Goku?_ An insane Goku is another story all together.

It isn't long before Hakkai is at Gojyo's side, and Gojyo grasps his arm desperately.

"Hakkai, forget me… Make sure…doesn't hurt Sanzo."

Hakkai shakes his head.

"He won't. Sanzo's safe with him. It's _you_ I'm worried about, Gojyo."

"Hakkai… told you… Goku's lost it. _Obsessed_. Doesn't… know what he's _doing."_

Something about Gojyo's words sends a shiver up Hakkai's spine. But Goku would never hurt Sanzo, would he? He couldn't. He hadn't even killed Sanzo when he lost his limiter. Even then, he hadn't, so why would he harm him _now_?

XXX

Goku crouches at Sanzo's side where he sits, still slightly dazed, and takes the human into his first thing Sanzo sees is Goku's eyes, those _demonic _eyes, and they trigger the impulse to get away. He does not want to let this monster Goku drag him into its nightmare world.

But the monster won't let him escape, won't let go no matter how hard Sanzo struggles, and eventually, Sanzo gives up. It's useless, the monster is too strong, and he is too weak. The monster is speaking to him now, and Sanzo listens in mute horror.

"Shhh, Sanzo. It's okay now. I'll protect you. I won't let them take you away from me. I promised, no matter what, I'd be at your side. Right, Sanzo? I punished them. Are you happy, now? Did I do good? Will you… will you tell me I'm a good little monkey now, Sanzo?"

Sanzo shakes his head, still clutching at Goku's arm after his unsuccessful attempt to force Goku off of him.

"No. Get away from me, _monster."_

Goku only holds Sanzo even more securely, as if he will never let him go.

"Why, Sanzo? Why do you always say that? But it's okay. I promised, no matter what. Oh…"

Something catches Goku's attention, and he adjusts his hold to free up one of his hands. He touches a mark on Sanzo's neck, a scar left by his own sharp, demonic teeth.

"Sanzo…I did this, didn't I? When I was… I don't remember much 'bout that time, but… we were together, weren't we? Just you and me. And I protected you. You were mine. This mark proves it. Mine. You were happy, weren't you, Sanzo? You liked it. My Sanzo."

Sanzo cringes at Goku's touch, at his words, and all he can do is whisper weakly as Goku's fingers continue to softly stroke his throat.

"No. Don't... Don't touch me."

"Shhh… I won't let them hurt you. I won't let them touch you. Only I can touch you, my Sanzo, right? You and me, we need each other. You said before… that we could do anything together."

As Goku bends to place a kiss over the scar, Sanzo panics.

"No! Stop, don't touch me! _Monster_!"

Goku is undeterred by Sanzo's rejection or his renewed struggle to get away.

"Don't worry, Sanzo. I promised, no matter what, I wouldn't leave you. Even if you tell me to go away, even if you say you don't want me. You asked me to promise, remember? I'll show you how much I meant it. You and me, we were meant to be together."

_Meant to be together_. What does this mean? Is it true, even when the meaning becomes twisted by madness? Sanzo does not want it to mean _this_. Sanzo does not want to be with a _monster._ Not like _this_. Where is his little monkey? Where has his Goku gone? Where is the little Goku who loves him, who wants to protect him and keep him safe?

Not here, now. Not holding him against his will. Not taking a promise and making it into something else entirely, something sick and meaningless. This can't be his Goku, not the creature pressing him to the ground and touching him in a way that makes him cringe. Not the thing smothering his protests with unwanted kisses, or whispering crazy words in his ear even as he tugs down his jeans. Is this his Goku, this monster who thrusts into his body, even as he screams for him to stop? No, it can't be. His Goku would never, _ever_ do this. His Goku would never want to hurt him. This is a monster, not his Goku. _Not his Goku_.

"I promised, Sanzo, just like you wanted. No matter what, even if you try to send me away, I won't leave you. _No matter what."_

XXX

Hakkai has just finished pulling the blade from Gojyo's gut, when Sanzo starts to scream.

"Hakkai, go to Sanzo… stop Goku!"

Hakkai hesitates only an instant as he looks down at Goku's bloody handiwork, and then he follows Gojyo's wish and turns away, towards Sanzo. Behind him, Gojyo tries to force himself to his feet, holding his hand to the gaping wound in a futile attempt to stem the gush of blood. But the pain is brutal, the injury severe, and he collapses back onto the ground, Sanzo's screams echoing in his ears as he blacks out.

XXX

Sanzo's mind is reeling, his throat raw as he screams for Goku to stop. But Goku won't listen. How can he make Goku stop? A memory resurfaces, of something he had given Goku the last time he wanted to make him go away, something that had more impact than words. A bullet. He had given Goku a bullet.

With that one thought in mind, Sanzo reaches out, feeling along the ground beside him for the gun. It should be right here, right where he dropped it…

His fingertips finally graze against the cool metal, and he grasps the gun in his hand.

Goku is moaning Sanzo's name, now, too distracted to notice as the muzzle of the gun is pressed against his belly. Sanzo cries out one more time for Goku to stop, his voice joined by Hakkai's, and then,

BANG

Goku's body responds to the shock with a shudder, and he looks down in disbelief at the gun in Sanzo's hand, at the blood beginning to seep through the cloth of his shirt. He looks at Sanzo, meeting his eyes, but still… he does not stop.

"Sanzo, I promised, no matter what…"

BANG

"Promised…"

BANG

"San… zo?"

Sanzo's voice is hoarse as he chokes out his words.

"Goku… don't you listen? I told you… I don't want to play with a monster."

A look of pure, undiluted horror floods Goku's eyes, as he realizes what he has done, and, finally, they are Goku's eyes again, his Goku. The eyes of the demon have been vanquished at last. But it is too late.

"Sanzo… I'm _sorry."_

Goku slumps forward, and as Sanzo lies there with Goku's blood beginning to pool beneath his body, he feels the fire in his head raging worse than ever before, raping his mind as surely as the monster has just raped his body, burning everything away and leaving nothing left that is sane. His fingers twitch around the gun in his hand. He would shoot his brains out just to make it stop, if only he could think clearly enough to do so. But he cannot. All he can do now is _scream._

The fire has become an _explosion_, and it has torn his mind apart.


	25. Shadows

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 25**

**Shadows **

The halls of the monastery are somber and serene, graced with nothing but the daily routine of life dedicated to religious service. Everything here is orderly and as it should be, _until…_

One day, four visitors arrive in a jeep, and things _change_.

Among the ragtag group of new arrivals, there is only one who is whole in both body and in mind, and it is this man who greets the monks and explains the situation. Then, one by one, under the watchful eyes of the monks, he brings his three blood-soaked companions into the shelter of the temple.

Of the three, the tall man with the long crimson hair is the only one who is conscious. The other two, the smaller, injured one, and the blond, are carried in with care. But the one who draws the most curiosity and interest from the audience of monks is the blond, for this is _Genjo_ _Sanzo_. If it had not been for the scripture as evidence, the monks would never have believed Hakkai's story. But, as it is, they will not refuse help to the keeper of the Maten Scripture, no matter how insane he may have become.

And so, Sanzo, Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku are forced to put their westward trek on hold, and the _waiting_ begins.

XXX

Gojyo lies at ease with his hands behind his head, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lip. He turns his head until he can see the other occupant in the room, sitting cross-legged on the floor with a cup of tea and a book.

"You know, Hakkai, I _still _can't believe what Goku did. I can't believe what _you _almost did."

Hakkai glances up and smiles faintly.

"To be honest, neither can I."

"You know what else I can't believe, Hakkai? I can't believe you _didn't_ do it."

There is a moment of silence as Hakkai thinks back on the events of that day, when Goku had turned so brutally against them.

"Perhaps I _should _have, but… it felt wrong. If Sanzo didn't kill Goku himself…"

"You don't think he _tried_?"

"I'm not convinced the shots where meant to be fatal. I'm not even sure if Sanzo fully knew what he was doing."

"Hakkai, Sanzo shot Goku _three bloody times._"

"Yes, but it's _Goku._ He can withstand a lot of damage, and Sanzo knows that. He didn't aim for the head, after all."

"You're contradicting yourself, Hakkai. You said Sanzo doesn't know what he's doing, but yet he knows how many shots Goku can take and in what location?"

"So, you think it was _wrong_ for me to let Goku live? What about Sanzo, when we found him dying on the road after his suicide attempt? Was I also wrong to prevent his death then?"

"That's not what I'm saying. It's just that… damn it, Hakkai, everything's so fucked up now, I don't know what's right and what's not anymore, you know? Goku nearly _killed_ me back there, not to mention the fact that it hurt like _hell_. And _worse_... he turned on _Sanzo_. He _raped Sanzo_. This is _Goku_ we're talking about, as in power limiter still fully intact and functional."

"I'm afraid he may no longer be the Goku we know and love."

"Bah, as if we ever loved that idiot ape to begin with. Anyway, what's done is done, and now we face the consequences, right? You think he's gonna turn rabid monkey on us again?"

"I don't know."

"Shit."

"Gojyo, it's important to maintain a positive attitude."

"Positive attitude? Huh, you can take your positive attitude and flush it down the toilet. It feels like we're just waiting around for something even _worse_ to happen. And what about Sanzo, is _he _gonna be alright?"

"I'm afraid all we can do is give him time. We can hardly continue traveling with Sanzo as he is now."

"But how long are we gonna _wait_? And what if he doesn't _get_ any better? Hakkai, what if this is _permanent_? You heard what Yaone said. There is no cure. Maybe we've just been deluding ourselves with false hope all along."

As if to emphasize the seriousness of Gojyo's concerns, a shriek tears through the temple andpierces the evening calm. Gojyo closes his eyes against the unwelcome noise, willing it to stop.

"Ah, speaking of Sanzo, it sounds as if the sedatives have worn off. I'd better go attend to him."

As Hakkai is about to stand to go, however, he pauses.

"Gojyo? On second thought, now that you're feeling better, perhaps _you_ should be the one to go."

"_What_? Why _me_?"

"We can't keep Sanzo restrained and sedated forever. We need to work with him, to give him a chance, but it's difficult when the mere sight of me upsets him as it does. Unfortunately, he seems to have developed a lingering negative attitude towards me since he found out that I've been impersonating him. _You_ may have better luck, and it's worth a try."

Gojyo sighs heavily.

"Great. I'm on crazy monk sitting duty, now. I don't know what you think this is going to accomplish, though. It's not as if Sanzo and I got along very well with each other even when he _wasn't_ a total lunatic, not that he was ever exactly _sane _to begin with..."

"Gojyo…"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going."

Hakkai smiles brightly.

"Thank you, Gojyo. I knew you would be _happy_ to volunteer."

Gojyo just rolls his eyes as he reluctantly heaves himself to his feet.

XXX

Unwelcome within the walls of the temple, Goku remains outside; a solitary figure perched atop the roof. Here he sits, and here he broods, as the fading light of day casts its unhappy shadows upon him. As he watches the setting of the sun, the shadows in his mind grow darker as well, memories of recent events inflicting themselves painfully upon his mind.

---

_That day. _That explosive, corrosive, _sickening_ day. The hot rush of _rage. _The burning fire of desperation thick with the smoke of despair. Powerfully irrational feelings and all sense of reason destroyed, until Hakkai and Gojyo were no longer friends, but obstacles, rivals, opponents.

_Enemies._

And he had _hated_ them.

_Sanzo._

The desire, the _need_, to ensure his own _exclusive_ place by Sanzo's side. Sanzo was _his_, and not to be taken away from him. Not by _anyone_.

Not even by Sanzo himself.

Goku was _consumed_ by need.

In his mind, his own actions were _justified _and _right_. In Goku's mind, it was what _Sanzo_ wanted as well, but was just too stubborn to admit it. Then, Goku had lost himself in a haze of blinding light.

Briefly, blissfully, Sanzo was _his_.

Then…

_Pain._

Sanzo's words had finally reached him, and he was _horrified_ by what he heard.

_"Goku, I don't want to play with a _monster_."_

The pain had brought him back to his senses, and he had realized with terrible clarity just what he had done.

_"Sanzo, I'm sorry. Sorry for what I've done."_

_Blackness._

Bleeding all over Sanzo, the bullet wounds in his abdomen an ugly testament to his forsaken love.

_Awakening._

Tucked securely in bed at the temple, his injuries treated, but not _healed_. No, Hakkai had done nothing special for him beyond summoning a doctor. Goku did not care. It was more than he deserved. In any case, for him, even a seemingly serious wound is not as bad as it may at first appear to be. He was almost glad.

Because Sanzo had _given_ him these wounds with his own hand.

_Hakkai. _

Hakkai had looked at him with the sternest, scariest expression on his face that Goku had ever seen. There had never before been a _reason _for such a frightening look to be turned _his_ way before.

Goku had been subjected to a merciless, meticulously torturous recap of his crimes, and was left with a _warning. _Hakkai had emphasized his words by distinctly touching the clips on his ear as he spoke, and the message had been clear.

Behave, _or else._

And Goku had alarmed himself by actually _considering _the possibility of going up against Hakkai in his demon form.

_"Sanzo, I'm sorry. Sorry for what I still might do."_

---

So Goku exists now with the knowledge that he has betrayed Hakkai and Gojyo, that he has treated them as only a beast would. Worse, he has betrayed _Sanzo_. Now, because of him and what he has done, his Sanzo is suffering, locked up and sicker in mind than ever before, and he cannot go to him, _dares_ not go to him. All he can do for Sanzo now is keep him safe while he recovers by faithfully and dutifully guarding the temple against possible attack.

Even so, the urge to seek out the light and warmth of his most precious sun is strong, pulling at the very marrow of his bones. Oh, how _envious_ he is of Hakkai and Gojyo, who surely even now are basking in that beautiful, shining light. _His _light, and a light that he no longer deserves.

Goku clenches his fists in frustration as the sun sinks ever lower in the sky, and a soundless whisper bruises his spirit as it tumbles around and around in his heart.

_"Monster, stay away. Keep Sanzo safe from_ you."

XXX

Sanzo in fact _has _shown improvement since arriving at the monastery. At first, it had been necessary to keep him in restraints twenty-four hours a day, just to prevent and control his constant and uncontrollable fits of violent hysteria.

Unless sedated as well as restrained, he would lie twitching and struggling against his bonds, crying out continually and practically frothing at the mouth in his madness.

Now, the sedatives alone usually are enough to keep him reasonably calm. Still, sudden episodes will occasionally have him attacking the walls or even his own body, forcing Hakkai to be always on alert and quick to intervene lest Sanzo render himself bruised and bloody.

However, Hakkai has just passed this responsibility on to his companion with a smile, and so Gojyo hurries to Sanzo's door in his place.

When he unlocks and enters the room, Sanzo is crouched in the middle of the floor, staring suspiciously at the intruder. Silent now, although tense and breathing hard, Sanzo's blond hair falls over his face, all but obscuring his crazed and wild eyes. When Gojyo steps into the room and shuts the door behind him, Sanzo scuttles away until he reaches the far corner, pressing his back against the wall and hurling threats and obscenities in Gojyo's direction.

Gojyo observes this behaviour for a few seconds, and then simply sits himself down casually on the floor. He lets Sanzo scream and swear to his hearts content, lets him bang his head back into the wall, lets him pull at his hair and rant and rage in his corner, until finally, Sanzo's frenzy dies down, and, worn out, he draws up his knees to hug them tightly against his chest, reduced to nothing but a twitching, muttering mess.

Slowly, so as not to alarm Sanzo and trigger another outburst, Gojyo moves closer. But Sanzo takes no more offense at his presence.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo snaps up his head to scream out a single word, his voice hoarse and choked as it rips through his throat.

"No!"

Gojyo has decided that this situation calls for patience. Now that Sanzo's care has been turned over to him, he intends to subdue Sanzo as little as possible, which means minimal force and minimal use of sedatives. He wants to _help_ Sanzo snap out of this insanity, not just medicate him into senselessness.

"No what, Sanzo?"

"No _Sanzo _here."

"You're not Sanzo? Then who are you?"

The only answer he gets is a glare.

"Oh, maybe you'd prefer that other name. _Konzen_?"

"_No_."

"No? Then what _should_ I call you, eh? How about I just call you Blondie? That suits you fine. Or even better, how about _Sunshine_?"

Sanzo surprises him by voicing no complaint. He just gazes at Gojyo, his eyes wide with surprise and somehow touched with hurt.

"Goku. Sound like… _Goku_."

Gojyo snorts.

"Please, don't compare me to that animal."

Sanzo heaves a weary sigh weighted heavily with dejection.

"Silly monkey. Wouldn't listen. Why? _Why_?"

Sanzo is looking at Gojyo now as if he holds the answers to the most profound questions in the universe. Gojyo just grins.

"Like I said, he's a dumb animal."

Sanzo is staring Gojyo in the eye so intently, it almost makes him feel dizzy, having those vivid violet eyes locked hypnotically with his own crimson, blood-red gaze. He remembers telling Sanzo that he can look into his eyes anytime he wants.The heat begins to rise as he recalls other things, like Sanzo's kiss. He shifts his eyes to Sanzo's lips, and watches as he almost soundlessly whispers a single word.

"_Blood_."

In the next instant, Sanzo convulses in a spasm of horror at the memory of Goku's blood, spilling out of the fresh bullet wounds and staining them both in _red, red, red_. Raw concern makes Gojyo reach out to still him with an impulsive touch of reassurance, but Sanzo pulls away from his hand with a hiss.

"No! Don't touch. I _bite_."

Gojyo quickly withdraws, holding his hands up in the air.

"Look, no touching."

Sanzo's next words are tinted with a curious emphasis, as though they hold some special, hidden significance.

"Goku doesn't belong to me. Not my monkey."

He looks at Gojyo so expectantly, that it prompts Gojyo to make an inquiry.

"Are you asking me, or telling me?"

"He's _not_."

Sanzo punctuates this by smacking his head sharply against the wall, and Gojyo hastily agrees.

"Okay, okay, so Goku's not your monkey."

Something dangerously devious lurks behind Sanzo's eyes as, just as seriously as before, he makes another statement that seems more like a question in disguise.

"I don't belong to Goku."

"No. You don't belong to Goku. Goku can go screw himself for all we care. You don't _belong _to _anyone_."

Sanzo closes his eyes tightly as three simple words slip off of his tongue.

"But I _wanted_."

Gojyo sighs. _Sanzo and Goku_. This is about Sanzo and Goku, and the convoluted mess that their relationship has become. Gojyo isn't even sure how to start untangling _this_ knot, or if he even wants to try at this point. Tentatively, he decides to test the murky depths of these turbulent emotional waters.

"Hey, you and Goku… "

Sanzo spits in his face.

Gojyo wipes off his face with his sleeve and manages a chuckle despite the situation.

"Touchy, touchy. If it isn't bullets you're firing at me, then it's something else. Personally, I think I prefer the bullets. _Yuck_."

Sanzo ignores him, whispering to himself.

"Bullets... are all I have to give…"

Gojyo frowns.

"Hey. What kind of a shitty attitude is that? Huh?"

Sanzo blinks out of his daze and snaps at Gojyo.

"_Behave."_

"Hey, _I'm _not the one who's acting up, here."

Sanzo narrows his eyes viciously, his voice taking on a dangerous edge.

"Punish bad little pets. Lock them up with the dark."

"Who do you want to punish? Me, Goku, or yourself?"

"_Shut up_. Naughty monkey."

Sanzo'sglares at Gojyo with a nasty glint in his eyes, as though contemplating the worst possible punishment. Sanzo's moods are changing so rapidly, Gojyo can hardly keep track of them anymore, but at least Sanzo is _talking_ to him, rather than freaking out.

"You're mad at Goku, right?"

"Fuck off!"

Gojyo is almost amused, but he fixes his face into a stern frown, and raises his voice sharply.

"_Hey!_ Be nice, or I'll have to punish _you._"

He pulls out the bottle of tablets he had hidden in his pocket, and shakes them in Sanzo's face. Sanzo freezes warily, and Gojyo removes his threat from sight.

"Are you going to behave yourself now?"

"_No_. I'm not a pet."

"No, you're not, and you don't deserve to be punished, either."

"Then why won't it _stop_? Why won't the nasty dark go _away_?"

"Because you're _sick_, that's why. I'll help you, help you beat the dark. But I can only help you if you're _nice_ to me."

Sanzo seems to consider this a moment, and then he nods slowly with an evil grin.

"Won't punish you… if you take away the _dark_."

"You've got yourself a deal, Sunshine."

Then the conversation, if it can be called that, is over. Sanzo slips into delirium, distracted by some stream of internal chaos that takes precedence over grim reality. Gojyo cannot reach him now, cannot follow, for Sanzo is swimming in his own private pool, drowning in the deepest depths of his own mind, unresponsive and oblivious to the external world.

XXX

So the days pass slowly, and Sanzo thankfully becomes quieter and less volatile. Even Hakkai is tolerated by him more easily, and gradually, he seems to be regaining a touch of sanity, and along with it, a ray of hope is gained as well.

However, Sanzo is not the only concern.

For outside, a monkey still sits and watches as each day the sun rises and sets, and the inner darkness of despair slowly but surely swallows him whole. His only comfort and solace is in the daily presence of the distant ball of fire, and he even speaks to it softly in his loneliness.

_"Sanzo, what am I supposed to do? I miss you. I never meant to hurt you."_

He waits, and he watches, but there is never any answer to be found.

TO BE CONTINUED


	26. West

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 26**

**West**

Under cover of darkness, Goku slips down from his place on the roof. The knowledge that Sanzo is so very near has simply become too hard to resist any longer. Perhaps one quick glimpse will be enough to tide him over until the dawn, when his substitute sun will rise once again and somewhat soothe him with its comforting light.

And so he creeps his way towards the tiny, escape-proof window of Sanzo's room.

XXX

At the first touch, Gojyo quickly awakens with a start. Since he's been sleeping in Sanzo's room in order to watch over him, Sanzo has often awakened him in the middle of the night with various emotional or mental disturbances, but Sanzo does not _touch_ him. Not like _this_.

Sanzo is naked, his pale skin illuminated by the faint moonlight shining in through the little window. He tosses his head seductively to clear the hair from his face, panting slightly as his slender fingers trace over Gojyo's chest. Gojyo catches his wrists, surprised by this unexpected and bold behaviour.

"Hey, what d'you think you're doing?"

Sanzo's eyes flash as he slowly licks his lips. This teasing display is followed by a sonorous whisper wrapped around three intoxicating words.

"I _want_ you."

"_No_ you don't. What happened to your 'don't touch me' rule?"

"Rules were meant to be _broken_."

Sanzo leans down and tickles Gojyo's neck with a trail of feather-light kisses, and Gojyo decides it's time to put a stop to this nonsense before Sanzo gets carried away.

"Okay, time out. You obviously don't know what you're…"

Sanzo shuts him up with a heated kiss, tongue stroking and sliding like wet silk against his lips. Gently but firmly, Gojyo pushes him back by the shoulders and looks seriously into his eyes.

What he sees is confusion, uncertainty, and not as much confidence as Sanzo's words would have him believe is present. Gojyo is not about to take advantage of Sanzo's muddled mind just to get a taste of something sweet, no matter how enticingly it may be offered up to him. But then Sanzo says something else that makes him reconsider his refusal.

"I don't belong to Goku."

So,perhaps Sanzo is trying to prove something to himself, but it still isn't _right._ Giving in to him would only make things more messed up then they already are. Gojyo is supposed to be _helping _Sanzo as a friend. But if this is really what Sanzo wants, and if it's going to make him feel better, what nicer form of therapy could Gojyo provide other then _sex?_

As all these thoughts run rampant through Gojyo's head, Sanzo leans in for another kiss, and this time, Gojyo does not refuse him, but gives as good as he gets.

Surely one simple kiss won't do any harm.

XXX

Outside, Goku holds his breath nervously, and peers into the window. Sanzo is probably asleep at this time of night, and Goku tells himself that everything is okay.

Surely just one simple look won't do any harm.

It takes a moment through the shock of what he sees for his brain to process the sight. Gojyo is kissing _his_ Sanzo.

Jealousy, and then anger, hit him full force. Gojyo must be made to _pay_ for such a _serious _transgression. Goku's hands curl up into tight fists and a growl surges in his chest. Just as hisfury is about to explode, the realization of what he's thinking strikes, and memories of his previous actions flash painfully in his mind. He closes his eyes against the unbearable sight through the window, and sinks to the ground, pressing his cheek to the earth. His whole body is shaking, his teeth clenched almost painfully as he slams his fist into the ground again and again.

No, he _mustn't_ lose control. He mustn't make another mistake. He mustn't hurt anyone he cares about _ever_ again, no matter what. There has to be another choice besides giving in to blind rage. There must be something else that can be done.

_Yes_. Yes there is. The idea is so simple, and yet so perfect. If only he can restrain himself,all he needs todo iswait for Hakkai and Gojyo to provide him with an opportunity. He can still win Sanzo back without the use of violence, _yes he can_.

XXX

So very tempting, but so very _wrong_. Sanzo doesn't know what he's doing, and besides, it would be like taking advantage of his emotional vulnerability to let this go any further than it already has. And so Gojyo again pushes Sanzo away from him, sits up, and removes himself completely from the delicious embrace. With the physical contact broken, Sanzo looks suddenly very lost and a little disoriented. If it weren't for the slight trembling of his slender figure, one would almost think him frozen by the moonlight. As Gojyo moves to gently drape a blanket over Sanzo's nudity, to his relief there are no protests or further advances made. Gojyo sighs, feeling deeply sorry for his mixed-up friend.

"Go back to sleep, okay?"

Sanzo does not look at him, but just nods, lies down, and covers his head with the blanket, as if embarrassed by his actions and wanting to hide. Gojyo allows himself a smile, and returns to his own sleep, uninterrupted for the rest of the night.

XXX

Goku bides his time impatiently, strung out almost to the breaking point as he watches and waits for the chance to make his move. Finally, one day it arrives. He sees both Hakkai and Gojyo outside together, and he wastes no time in taking action.

Surreptitiously, he climbs down from the roof, and makes his way inside the temple, hoping against hope that Hakkai and Gojyo do not have with them what it is that he seeks.

He slips through the corridors like a shadow, using every ounce of inhuman stealth available to him. Into Hakkai and Gojyo's room he creeps, unseen, and here he immediately begins searching for the items he needs. Here, wrapped up and tucked away, is Sanzo's gun, and he eagerly takes it. Next, the even more important and triumphant discovery is made. The Maten scripture. He grabs that as well, and hurries to his final destination.

_Sanzo's room._

He does not hesitate to break the lock and enter, and when he sees Sanzo, he nearly _cries_ with joy. Now, _finally,_ they will be together again, and everything will be all right.

XXX

Sanzo had been asleep, and wakes with a start when Goku enters the room. He stares at Goku in a daze, not knowing whether he is dreaming or awake, and watches as Goku falls to his knees in front of his long-lost sun.

"Sanzo!"

To his dawning horror, Sanzo is not greeting him with anything even remotely resembling _joy_. There is nothing but disbelief and confusion in hisbrilliant purple eyes.

"Sanzo? I'm here. I… I brought you something."

Goku swallows hard. Is Sanzo _afraid? _Is Sanzo _afraid_ of _him?_

"Sanzo? Sanzo, _please_. Listen. Every day… Every single day I think of only you, and every single minute of every single day I think of how _sorry_ I am. _Please_ forgive me, Sanzo. I didn't mean to hurt you, or scare you. I only want to _be_ with you. Please, Sanzo? _Please_?"

Oh, Gods. Sanzo is _crying, _now. No, wait. Sanzo is not crying, he is _laughing._Why is Sanzo _laughing_?

"Silly, naughty monkey. What are you doing? Whose naughty pet are you? You need to be punished, bad little pet. Do you think I want to see you again? Do you think I belong to you?"

"Sanzo?"

"Answer me! Do I belong to you?"

Now Sanzo is _angry_ with him. Sanzo is _livid._ Does Sanzo belong to Goku? Goku blinks away his tears and considers the question. Yes, Sanzo _does_ belong to him. But… Goku also belongs to _Sanzo_. Is _that _what he has been missing all along? Is _that _the right answer? Yes, it must be. It must be the _truth._

"No. We belong to each other, Sanzo. We belong _together_."

Goku waits for the rejection that he expects, for the refusal and the sharp words, for Sanzo to tell him to go away forever and _never_ come back. But the words do not come. Instead, Sanzo asks him another question.

"Goku. What do you have for me?"

Goku breathes a sigh of relief, and holds out the gun and the scripture eagerly in his hands.

"Sanzo. _Look_. I broughtyour stuff. Now we can leave here, and go away together. We can go west, just you an' me together. Right, Sanzo?"

"West?"

"Yeah. We have to go west, remember? With _this_."

He scoots closer to Sanzo and offers him the scripture. Sanzo takes it in his hands and examines it as if he is seeing it for the first time.

"West? Yes, _west_. I forgot. I forgot because I got lost in the dark, and I couldn't _think_. I couldn't _see_. West."

Sanzo clutches the scripture protectively close to his body, and slowly rises to his feet, gazing down at Goku in defiance.

"I don't want to go."

Goku is stunned.

"What? But... you _have_ to."

"No. I don't want to go west with a _monster._"

Goku hangs his head in shame.What can he do if Sanzo will not come with him willingly? He will not leave this room without his treasure. Reaching out, he wraps his arms tightly and possessively around Sanzo's legs.

Sanzo tenses in alarm. The sudden, uninvited contact and the feeling of Goku's arms holding him in such an unpleasantly constricting manner is more than he is ready to tolerate, and it _disturbs _him.

"Goku! Stop it. _Behave_."

"Sanzo_, please_ don't send me away again. I can't take it anymore. I'm _sick_ of it."

Sanzo bops him on the head with the rolled up scripture.

"Goku, let _go._ Stand up and _listen_."

Nervously, Goku stands.

"Goku. If we belong together, then why would I send you away?"

"I… I don't know. You _always_ tell me to go away."

"You never know when to _listen_, do you, my silly monkey? I said I won't go with a monster. I sent the _monster_ away. The _monkey_ can stay."

"Sanzo?"

"Come here, Goku."

"I _am_ here."

"Come _closer,_ so I can _punish_ you."

Goku steps closer, and Sanzo grabs him by the hair and leans in close to whisper menacingly in his ear.

"If you don't behave, I _will_ send you away, I'll send you away _forever_. Don't disappoint me again."

Then, he pulls Goku into a rough, forceful kiss, before whacking him over the head again with the scripture as hard as he can.

"Will you be a good little monkey from now on?"

"Yes, I _promise_."

"No, no more promises. Promises are dangerous things, aren't they? Let's just go. Go to the west. Let's go together. Let's go _now_."

And so, Sanzo and Goku slip out of the temple and escape together into the west.

TO BE CONTINUED


	27. Give Me Wings

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 27**

**Give Me Wings**

West _hurts._

This is the only thought that is clear in Sanzo's mind. Caught up in Goku's mad rush to get away from the temple, all his sense of purpose and reason have been lost in the dizzying brightness and vastness of the outside world.

Due to hisphysical containment within the walls and security of his little room at the temple, and also being so tangled up in the mess of his own mind,what he is experiencing now is almost a kind of rebirth, emerging from the sheltered womb of insanity into the harsh sharpness of _reality_.

And it _hurts._

The rough ground digs remorselessly into the soles of his shoeless feet, as he is forced to blindly keep up with Goku's pace. Even worse, even more disturbing to him, is that he has to keep fending off Goku's continual attempts to grab hold of his hand as they hurry along. Goku's voice, as he urges and coaxes him onwards, stabs at his senses and adds to his growing anxiety.

Finally overwhelmed, Sanzo retreats into the welcoming embrace of the dark and narrow space between two buildings. Here he stops, and lets himself drop to the ground. Immediately, Goku tries to pull him to his feet, and Sanzo has had _enough_. He strikes out at Goku and cringes away from his touch, raising his arms defensively.

"Stop it! Don't touch me!"

Goku kneels beside Sanzo, his entire body tight with apprehension.

"Sanzo, we can't stop here, gotta keep moving."

"_No_. Leave me alone."

"But we gotta go."

"_No_!"

Goku glances worriedly behind him, fearing Hakkai and Gojyo's inevitable pursuit. He turns back to Sanzo with a fretful frown, chewing his lip anxiously as he considers how to deal with the situation. Sanzo says he does not want to be touched, and so Goku hesitates to lay a hand on him now, not after what he has done. But Sanzo absolutely _must_ come with him, one way or another. There is no other option. He sighs in frustration.

"Sanzo, get up. Come with me."

"Why? Where are we going?"

"West. Don't you remember?"

Sanzo stares at Goku blankly before shaking his head and sinking the rest of the way to the ground, still trying to catch his breath. Troubled by nausea and a sharp, persistent pain in his chest, he whispers softly.

"Why are we going west? _Why_?"

Automatically, Goku opens his mouth to reply, but finds he has no ready answer to give. His own goal now is simply to ensure that he and Sanzo stay together, and to get away from Gojyo and Hakkai, both because he perceives them as obstacles to his goal, and also because he does not want to harm them any more than he already has in his attempts to achieve it. For him, the original purpose of the westward path no longer holds any meaning, and has been all but forgotten. Sanzo's insistence on an explanation snaps him out of his confusion.

"Goku_, why_? Tell me why."

"Umm… "

His eyes wander to the scripture still clutched tightly in Sanzo's hand.

Sanzo's scripture. He knows that it has something to do with their original journey west, and it's also something of significance to Sanzo. Perhaps that will be reason enough to give Sanzo the encouragement he needs to get moving again.

"Because of the scripture. We hafta take it west. Just you an' me."

Sanzo seems to take a moment to absorb his words, and then he holds the scripture up, looking at it rather doubtfully.

"You mean… _this_ old thing?"

Goku nods enthusiastically, but his enthusiasm is cut short as Sanzo suddenly winces in pain, his breath catching raggedly in his throat. The scripture falls from his hand, forgotten, as he instead reaches out to Goku, grasping his arm while frantically seeking out his eyes with his gaze. The pain and desperation there is so vivid, it frightens Goku.

"Sanzo?"

"Goku… I… _Konzen_… "

Sanzo's eyes lose focus as his hand trembles, fingers digging into Goku's arm. Then, his grip goes slack, and falls away, his body lying limp and unconscious upon the ground.

XXX

Sanzo wakes up a few minutes later with his head pillowed in Goku's lap, a pair of serious golden eyes gazing down at him and the soft warmth of Goku's touch stroking his hair. However, far from being soothed, Sanzo's first reaction is to escape Goku's hold, and he quickly tries to sit up. But Goku has one hand placed firmly on his chest and will not let him rise. Panic quickly sets in. Sanzo forces back the cry that wants to tear from the depths of his lungs, ignoring the wild contractions of his heart as it squeezes painfully in his chest.

"Goku. Let. Go. _Now_."

"Sanzo, you're sick. You gotta rest."

Sanzo shoves Goku's hands away.

"No! Get _away_ from me! Let me up!"

Goku lets him go, deeply touched by the familiar ache of rejection. Sanzo takes a moment to calm down, eyeing Goku warily out of the corner of his eye as he listens to him attempt to explain his actions.

"Sanzo, you fainted, and... I just… just wanted to… "

"No! I don't care what your excuses are. Don't _touch_ me again. Just _don't._"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"_Shut up_."

An uncomfortable silence descends upon the two, a silence filled with mistrust, shame and fear, a hurtful void that feels more like an open wound between them.

Sanzo swallows nervously, his fingers twitching in a sudden longing to light up a cigarette. It's been quite some time since he's even thought about a cigarette, let alone smoked one, but right now he would gladly pick up the habit again if only it was available. Instead, he clears his throat, and turns to face Goku, speaking slowly as he carefully tries to organize his disjointed thoughts.

"Goku, I remember now. I remember everything. Listen, Goku. We're going west, but it will take too long to get there on foot. We have to go back. We need Hakuryu."

Goku scrambles to his feet.

"_No_! We hafta go together, just me and you!"

"It doesn't work that way, little monkey."

"Yes, it _does_! There _is_ no other way!"

"There's no _time, _and I refuse to walk all the way to India."

"Then… then I'll have to _drag_ you there! I won't let _them_ have you!"

"I don't _belong_ to you. And you will not _force _me to do anything."

"Sanzo, why are you being like this? You _have _to stay with _me_! Only _me_!"

"Goku! Stop it! Behave! Do you want to be punished?"

"Maybe _you _need to be punished, Sanzo!"

Goku has been glaring down at Sanzo, but now Sanzo gets to his feet, forcing Goku to look up in order to meet his eyes.

"Do you want to _hurt_ me, Goku? Is that what you want? Do you want to _own _me?"

Goku takes a step backwards, shaking his head in denial.

"No, I…"

Sanzo closes the distance between them and yanks Goku's head back by the hair.

"Naughty monkey. You like to play _games,_ don't you? Naughty, dirty, bloody little games. Let's play a game _togethe_r."

"Sanzo?"

"_Shut up_."

Sanzo releases his grip on Goku, steps back, and holds out his hand.

"Give me my gun."

"No."

"_Give it to me_!"

Goku winces and pulls the gun out from where he had tucked it away on his person, placing it in Sanzo's outstretched hand. Sanzo accepts it with a small, mockingly polite bow, and goes about making an exaggerated show of emptying the weapon of all but a single bullet, giving the chamber a spin, and then, coldly, cruelly leveling the gun at his own head.

"If _I_ win, then we go back to Hakkai and Gojyo and we _drive_. If _you_ win, then you get to drag my corpse all the way west, and have me to your heart's content. Won't that be _fun_?"

"Sanzo, you're crazy. You don't even know what you're doing."

"Don't I? Let's find out."

Sanzo pulls the trigger without a moment's hesitation. There isn't even time for Goku to cry out.

The result, thankfully, is nothing but an empty click. Goku sighs in relief, but Sanzo isn't finished playing quite yet.

"Oops, you lose. Want to play again?"

Goku does cry out now, a strangely choked and desperate sound. The sound accompanies the movement of his arm as his fist propels through the air, connecting with Sanzo's gut. Sanzo doubles over in pain, dropping the gun, and Goku follows up his assault by pushing Sanzo unceremoniously to the ground.

"Sanzo, _stop_ it! This isn't funny! You could've _died_! Don't you see? I _don't_ wanna hurt you, but I _need _you, and I don't want anyone to take you away from me. And I'm afraid I might do somethin' bad to Hakkai or Gojyo again. I'm trying really hard, Sanzo, I really am, but… I'm losing my god damn _mind_ because of you!"

For a moment, Goku glares at Sanzo, and Sanzo just stares back at him with wide, startled eyes.

" When I saw you with Gojyo that night, I… I wanted _so_ bad to… to… but I stopped myself. I don't even know how, 'cause I was _so close_ to losing it like last time. But I thought… I thought that if only I could get you to come away with me, then everything would be all right. But _you_… you make it so _hard_, Sanzo. You keep turning everything inside out and… I'm so mixed up, I don't know what's what anymore. I'm _sick_ of it, and you are really, really, _really _startin' to piss me off!"

When Goku finally finishes ranting, Sanzo sits up slowly, brushing his dirtied hands off on his knees.

"Oh, is the naughty little monkey trying to _frighten_ me? Is he going to _punish_ me?"

"What's all this crap about punishment, anyway? Haven't we both hurt each other enough_?"_

"Pain is all I know."

"That's 'cause you won't _let_ yourself feel anything else. Why're you so _stubborn_? Why won't you just let me _love_ you?"

Sanzo lets out an indignant laugh.

"_Let_ you _love _me? Is _that_ what you call it when you force yourself on me against my will? I always thought that was called _rape_."

Goku suddenly feels like he wants to puke. His anger dissolves into a putrid mush of shame and self-loathing. Weariness washes over him in a toxic mix of sorrow and regret.

"You're right, Sanzo. I guess I deserve to be punished. I _hurt _you, and I can't ever take that back. If only… if only Hakkai had let me _die_, like you wanted. If only…"

His voice trails of as he catches sight of the gun lying on the ground.

"Sanzo? Will you… will you punish me now? I want you to."

As if in a trance, Goku picks up Sanzo's gun, and empties the bullet. Then he digs deep down in his pocket, and withdraws another bullet, loading it into the gun instead.

"I want you to use _this_ bullet. It's the one you gave me before, remember? You said… you said it was the only thing you would ever give me. You wouldn't give me your heart. So, I'll take this instead, right through _my_ heart. Will you give it to me again, one last time?"

Sanzo nods.

"I will."

"You… you _will?"_

"If you want me to, I will."

"Do… do _you_ want to, too?"

"I want to punish you."

Goku sniffs.

"Okay. I'm ready."

"Then give me the gun, and kneel down beside me."

"Like this?"

"That's it. Now close your eyes, and hold very, very still."

"Sanzo, I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize anymore, Goku. It'll all be over soon."

"But I really wanted to go west with you."

"I know."

"You'll be okay, right? I don't want you to be alone."

"I have Hakkai and Gojyo to take me west. I don't need you."

"But…"

"Hush. No more fuss."

"I just wanted to be with you."

"Shhh. It's time to go."

Goku feels the gun press against his chest, over his broken heart.

"Sanzo?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"But I don't _want_ your love, Goku."

"Then pull the trigger. I'm ready."

"Ready to _die_ for me?"

"I'd do anything for you, Sanzo. Anything you want."

"Anything?"

"Anything for you."

And as Sanzo holds the gun steady, he presses a kiss to Goku's forehead.

"What… what're you doin'?"

"I'm giving you a goodbye kiss, silly. Now hold still."

Sanzo's tender touch does something to Goku deep inside, something that spreads rapidly outwards and awakens him to the reality of what is happening. Panic opens his eyes.

"Sanzo, _wait_! I don't _want _to say goodbye!"

"Then don't."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not going to kill you, Goku."

"You're not? But I thought…"

"Silly."

"You mean… I can stay with you?"

"Yes."

"I can go west with you?"

"I won't go without you."

Grinning, Goku grabs the gun, tosses it aside, and slips his arms around Sanzo's narrow waist. Sanzo quickly shoves him away.

"_Watch_ it, monkey. I told you to hold still. I haven't given you your punishment yet."

"But… you just said…"

Sanzo pushes Goku into the wall with unexpected force.

"There are _other_ ways to punish naughty little monkeys."

"Sanzo?"

"Shut up and hold still. This might _hurt _a little."

XXX

Meanwhile, Gojyo and Hakkai desperately scour the streets of the town, searching high and low for Sanzo and Goku. A couple of the people they had asked had seen the two heading in this direction, at least, but still they remain elusive. After an hour of futile seeking, Gojyo snaps. He turns and punches the side of the nearest building.

"_Dammit_, Hakkai. When we find that _stupid_ monkey, I am going to wring his puny little neck once and for all! I have had it with his _bullshit_!"

"Gojyo…"

"Shit, shit, shit…"

Gojyo punctuates each curse by slamming his fist into the wall. Hakkai intervenes, stopping the senseless violence with a firm grip on Gojyo's arm and a sharp reprimand.

"_Gojyo_!"

Startled, Gojyo turns to face him. Hakkai sighs, letting a dose of soothing chi flow down Gojyo's arm and into his battered knuckles.

"We'll find them, Gojyo. And when we do, the critical issue will be whether or not we can talk some sense into Goku. We have to remain calm, for Sanzo's sake. It will be extremely unwise if you fly off the handle at Goku."

"But he took Sanzo right out from under our noses, Hakkai. Why weren't we watching him more closely, huh? I _knew _something was gonna happen, I just _knew _it. Why did I have to go and leave Sanzo alone?"

Gojyo shakes his head with a bitter chuckle.

"Sanzo was doing so much better. He really was. I thought… I thought I was making some progress, that I was getting through to him. But… he's not ready to deal with _this._ He's got serious issues with Goku. And to top it all off, he's _sick_. With the chest pain Sanzo's been having lately, Goku's gonna end up giving him a fucking _heart attack_. Goku's little kidnapping stunt is gonna _destroy _Sanzo, one way or the other, and if it does… if it _does_…"

"Gojyo…"

"If it does, it's gonna destroy us all."

XXX

_Houtou Castle, India. _

_A demon had returned, empty handed, with the report that Sanzo was quite _sane_. Gyokumen Koushu had placed all her displeasure on the unfortunate fellow, and the result was that he was sorry that his intended target had spared his life. _

_Kougaiji, however, had not believed a word of the report. He had Yaone, whom he trusts without a doubt, as a private witness to evidence of the contrary. And so, disgusted by his stepmother's actions, Kougaiji had sought out the impossible._

_He had sought out a _cure

So, even as the vile woman renews the order for Sanzo's death, now that her little game has come to an end, and would-be demon assassins are again on the prowl for their prey, Kougaiji takes flight.

Short on reason, perhaps, but high in resolve none-the-less, he swears he will put a stop to the madness.

Afterwards, however, Sanzo and company will be fair game, and if they must die for his cause, then so be it. But first…

He must find them, and he hopes that the reality he finds is not as grim as Yaone had made it sound.

XXX

Sanzo has Goku pinned against the wall of the alley, torturing the three new, pink scars on his abdomen with his punishing tongue. Goku squirms beneath his ministrations, but there is nothing he can do, for he dares not _touch _his blond tormentor.

_Touch_. How he craves Sanzo's touch. And it's true that Sanzo's touches have always been harsh and abusive. Perhaps this is only natural, then, that the use of the paper fan has matured into the use instead of teeth and…

Sanzo's nails rake down Goku's chest, and he gasps, a shiver rippling through his body. A small trickle of blood leaks from the shallow wound on his throat, where Sanzo had bitten and chewed until he was satisfied with the results.

Goku knows he deserves whatever form of punishment Sanzo wants to give him. Only a moment ago, he had been ready to lay down his life in payment for his sins. But this…

This isn't _right_. If Sanzo has forgiven him, then why must there be more pain between them? Why must there always be _pain_?

Goku closes his eyes and concentrates on the sound of Sanzo's beating heart. There's something wrong with that sound, and it troubles him.

"Sanzo…"

Sanzo growls and slides up Goku's body until he stands pressed tightly against him.

"Shut up. Did I tell you to speak?"

"No… but…"

"Then why are you talking, noisy little monkey?"

Goku winces as Sanzo roughly jerks his head to the side, exposing his freshly bloodied throat. Sanzo smirks, and descends on the wound, sucking until the broken flesh is raw and red and sore.

"Sanzo… We can't stay here. Hakkai and Gojyo…"

Sanzo whacks Goku's head against the wall.

"What about them? If they come, they'll just have to wait until I'm finished with you. Then, you're coming west with us. I won't put up with anymore of your _insubordination_. Naughty, naughty monkey of mine."

Goku lifts his eyes to the sky, to the ray of sunshine trying to penetrate the shadows of this dingy, narrow alleyway. Something passes by overhead, something high in the sky. A bird, Goku decides. If only he and Sanzo where as free as that bird. Free to express themselves without the use of hurt.

Free from pain.

Sanzo frowns, licking the blood from his lips and breathing hard as he glares into Goku's eyes.

"What are you looking at, monkey?"

"The sky."

"Why?"

"I was just thinking… It's so blue, so bright. And the sun lives there. It's beautiful, it's _free_."

"Silly. The sky can also be dark and stormy. Violent. Cold. Sometimes, it _hides_ the sun."

"But it's still _beautiful_."

"Even at night? When the sun goes away, and the earth is cast into darkness?"

"Sanzo, don't you _ever _learn? You will never cast me into darkness, no matter how hard you try."

With these words, Goku reaches out and does the forbidden.

_He touches the sun. _

Oh, how it _burns_.

Sanzo's kiss is hot and acidic, scorching his lips. Goku can taste his own blood, mixed with the fire that is Sanzo. Sanzo is using touch as a punishment, but pain is _not_ what Sanzo desires. Goku can sense this in the way Sanzo's body trembles ever so slightly against his own, in the way his mouth seeks to devour Goku's kiss as if he were starving…

But pain is all Sanzo knows, and Sanzo is afraid.

The kiss turns brutal, as Sanzo attacks Goku's mouth. Goku clings to his sun, letting it burn him as it pleases, letting it burn itself out, until all that remains is…

_Passion_.

Heat without hurt.

When the kiss finally ends, Sanzo stares into Goku's eyes in wonder.

"Goku? What… what did you _do_?"

"I kissed you."

"No. I mean, what _happened_?"

"Umm… You kissed me back?"

"But… what _happened?_"

Goku grins.

"We kissed each other, that's what happened! You let me touch you, and it didn't hurt a bit, that's what ..."

"Goku, just shut up and do it again."

TO BE CONTINUED


	28. and I Will Fly

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 28**

**And I Will Fly**

Somewhere, in an obscure corner of town, darkness conceals them.

Under cover of is sheltering embrace, need _consumes_ them.

Goku has surrendered himself to Sanzo, and in turn Sanzo has, for the time being, sacrificed solitude, relinquished loneliness, banished doubt. Yet there is nothing tender about this moment. This is not a gentle expression of sweet love, but something much more desperate, as Goku lets Sanzo press him into the wall and demonstrate to him in a purely physical way that their relationship is one of _mutual_ possession. So the desire to punish and to hurt has been converted, with a revolutionary kiss, into just _desire, _and a need to relieve tension through touch.

Afterwards, Sanzo just clings to Goku's deceptively slight figure, so out of breath he can barely breathe. Goku finally sinks to the ground, bringing Sanzo down with him, and as the sweat and heat of their passion cool, Goku is reawakened to a different kind of need. This is the need to move on, to continue their retreat and get away, to leave the threat of his own actions far behind in the dust of escape.

But Sanzo clearly will not be walking anywhere at the moment. Settled side by side, their backs resting against the rough surface of the wall in whose dusty shadows they hide, Goku watches his Sanzo, his more than friend, more than lover, his - dare he think so boldly - _soul mate_ in agitated concern. Each beat of Sanzo's heart seems to come at a cost, nearly every breath accompanied by a sharp gasp of pain. Finally,Goku decides to test the limits of acceptable touch. His loose, steadying hold on the man at his side tightens, as he wraps his arm around him and pulls him in close to the security and comfort offered by his own body. Sanzo languidly opens eyes glazed with both lassitude and pain, but does not reject the maneuver. Goku stares deep into those saturnine eyes, seeking answers to his unspoken concerns.Will Sanzo again turn him away, choosing to ignore and dismiss all that they have shared? His other question is one that frightens him even more, for it concerns Sanzo's presently worrisome physical condition.

Goku sighs, and settles in to wait, for he dares not ask, and there is nothing else that he can do.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo's search finally brings them all unknowingly onto the very street off of which Sanzo and Goku have hidden themselves away. Frustration nips at them irritably with its sharp little teeth, threatening to rip them to shreds if they don't find their missing friends, and _soon_, before it's too late.

Passing by the alley, Gojyo glances into its sun-starved depths, and stops dead in his tracks, hardly daring to believe his eyes. Hakkai, noticing his friend's sudden reaction, stops alongside him to likewise peer into the dingy shadows, and sighs in relief at the most welcome sight.

For there, at last, are Sanzo and Goku, fast asleep in each other's arms.

Gojyo and Hakkai share a glance, as mutual relief melts into a new cause for concern. The question now is how to approach without provoking Goku into violence. However, there proves to be no time to ponder this, for, with a start and Sanzo's name upon his lips, Goku suddenly awakens. Gojyo and Hakkai watch as he turns to Sanzo and tries to shake him awake. Sanzo's lack of response is worrisome to all three of his demonic companions.

Gojyo clears his throat loudly, and Goku snaps his head around, staring like a wild animal caught in a trap.

XXX

Those golden eyes close tight in a desperate, silent plea. If only Hakkai and Gojyo would just go _away_. If only they would disappear and leave him and Sanzo in peace. His eyes still squeezed shut, Goku secures his hold on Sanzo, curling up tightly into the embrace, and voices this plea aloud.

"Gojyo, Hakkai. Please. Just leave us alone. I don't wanna hurt you guys."

Hakkai's steady gaze penetrates the shadows along with his answer.

"Goku, you know we can't do that. Sanzo isn't well. He needs our help."

Dark anger and possessiveness flares up in Goku against his bidding.

"He doesn't need _you_! Only me!"

Gojyo sighs in exasperation, and, throwing caution to the wind, speaks before he thinks.

"Stop being such a selfish little brat, you stupid monkey."

The accusation takes Goku by surprise, stilling his anger. Huge, troubled orbs reveal themselves to the world again, as he opens his eyes at last. He studies the face next to his as he considers Gojyo's words, whispering into Sanzo's ear as he does so.

"Selfish? But I'm thinking only of you, so how can that be selfish? Sanzo… please wake up, I don't know what to do. Sanzo…"

Sanzo cracks open his eyes, revealing twin slivers the colour of a stormy sky, and just as cloudy. Weariness, confusion, and the struggle to hold onto a precarious thread of lucidity have stolen the brilliance from those eyes, and left them dark and dull.

When Sanzo speaks, his voice is dry and hollow, so very hollow that it seems to reach right down to the bottomless depths of his ravaged soul, and pull to the surface all the things that have been kept there, locked away in the deepest dark.

"Goku...Don't be afraid, little monkey. You won't hurt them again. I won't let you. The four of us… Don't you see? We are _one_. If you hurt them, you hurt me. You'll hurt Konzen, you'll hurt yourself. Look, Goku. Look beyond the light, and see the truth. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, and at the same time, it hurts so much more."

Sanzo closes his eyes again, letting his head drop onto Goku's shoulder, and fear suddenly rips through Goku pell-mell, momentarily blinding his awareness with a wall of blind _terror._ He shakes Sanzo again, almost roughly.

"Sanzo, stop it! Stop talkin' crap! Just tell me what to do, okay? I need you to...I just _need_ you!"

After a moment of terrifying silence, filled with nothing but the unhealthy, irregular rhythm of Sanzo's heart, Sanzo sighs deeply.

"I'm so tired of arguing with you, monkey. Let me up."

Sanzo takes a few steadying, preparatory breaths, and then, not without difficulty, uses Goku as a support as he pulls himself to his feet. Goku rises to stand up with him, but when Sanzo takes a step in Hakkai and Gojyo's direction, hesitates at his side. Sanzo gives him a reproachful sideways glance, but Goku just shakes his head and refuses to move, standing wide-eyed almost as if stupefied with fear. Sanzo regards him cooly for a moment, gritting his teeth stubbornly against the pain within. Finally, something seems to give as his expression softens almost imperceptably, and he tersely whispers a reluctant admission for Goku's ears only.

"I _need_ you."

Goku blinks in surprise at the unexpected confession, and as Sanzo moves to take another step forward, this time Goku does follow. Hakkai and Gojyo wait, watching with apprehension and concern as the other two slowly make their approach.

Sanzo is determined, and Goku is terrified of the possible consequences, of what he might do to his friends when they finally reach them. As a result, each step forward is absolutely agonizing, so much so that he feels petrified and almost unable to move at all. It is only Sanzo's strength of will and the comfort of having him close that draws Goku onward. That, and of course the tremendous reassurance of having heard those three words spoken aloud. Still, Goku's eyes flicker wildly, as thoughts of escape dance continually through his mind.

It's as if they are moving in slow motion, and the rest of the world stands still around them. So focused are the four on this drama taking place between them, that the appearance of a familiar figure from the sky strikes through this illusion of timelessness like thunder and lightning combined.

Kougaiji has arrived, and he is not alone.

XXX

Only Gojyo and Hakkai are in a position to watch as the two pure white flying dragons come to ground smoothly in the street, allowing the demon prince and his unknown companion to dismount.

The red lord regards the two for a brief moment, the usual haughty disdain gracing delicately demonic features. His lip curls in distaste even as his eyes narrow in suspicion.

"I have business with Sanzo."

Gojyo quips in reply.

"Did you make an appointment? I don't see your name on the list."

Hakkai, ever pleasant, clarifies the response.

"What Gojyo means to say is that we don't have the time or patience to attend to your business today. Besides, Sanzo's scripture is not up for negotiation."

Something flickers briefly behind Kougaiji's eyes, but he keeps his response level.

"I'm not here for the scripture. I've brought a _cure_."

XXX

_A cure._

Goku truly does not know what to think. He should be happy, and he is. The very idea is too much to hope for. But at the same time, he is doubtful, even afraid. If Sanzo regains his sanity, will he push Goku away? Will he look back on their time together now as nothing more than a mistake born only of lunacy?

To add to Goku's anxiety is Sanzo's own response to the news. Far from demonstrating relief or hope, he just stands perfectly still, his fingers digging into Goku's arm. Worse is the absolutely horrified look in his eyes.

Goku listens as Hakkai questions their adversary, and to Kougaiji's short-tempered response.

"How can we trust your intentions?"

"I don't give a damn whether you trust me or not. I'm simply here to clean up someone else's mess. Here's the cure. Take it or leave it, it's up to you."

Unseen by Goku, Kougaiji indicates the demon accompanying him, and, without a backwards look or another word, departs the scene, leaving the so-called cure standing in the street.

Now Goku is the one to step forward, as curiosity tempts him closer, and the roles are reversed, leaving Sanzo as the one to dig in his heels. But in this new arrangement, Sanzo's strength is no match for Goku's insistence. Goku does not venture close enough to emerge from the alleyway, however, as conflicting emotions and hesitation hold him back. He pulls Sanzo protectively closer, dreadfully fascinated by the exchange on the street. His nose twitches as he tests the scent of the stranger. He watches Hakkai's face closely as he questions the "cure".

"How do you propose to deliver this cure?"

The new demon's voice is wispy and light, yet resonates with a hidden strength, like the gossamer thread of a spider's web.

"Psychically. I will seek out and destroy the sickness in your companion, the Sanzo priest. At Lord Kougaiji's command, I will heal his tormented soul."

Goku feels Sanzo shiver and shrink against him, as if in retreat. Into Goku's hair, Sanzo whispers a plea touched with an urgent insistency.

"No. Goku… don't let it… "

Goku is tortured by confusion.

"But… don't you _want_ to get better?"

"It's too late. Too late."

Sanzo can barely breathe the words, and Goku knows he's hurting again, but this time, the pain is physical, stabbing at Sanzo internally with every pulse.

If only he could erase Sanzo's pain once and for all.

Gojyo and Hakkai turn to Goku, and he listens to their request. It seems reasonable enough, and it is made on Sanzo's behalf.

They want him to allow the cure to be administered.

XXX

Numbly, Goku finds himself agreeing, with a single, simple nod of the head. Sanzo stares at him in horrified disbelief, as if he has just been betrayed in the worst way possible.

In earnest now, he begins to struggle, fighting against Goku's hold. Cautiously, Goku moves with him out into the street, into the fading light of day. As the shadows of the alleyway are left behind and the demon brought into view, Sanzo nearly screams. Goku's attempts to calm him prove worthless and ineffective.

"Sanzo, it's okay. You'll see. You won't have to _hurt_ anymore."

The more he struggles, the more it hurts, but Sanzo ignores the pain. Its cause, he knows, is due to a different kind of struggle, one between him and Konzen, and one he is not ready to give up just yet.

The demon places her hands on Sanzo's head, and Sanzo becomes absolutely desperate.

"No, stop! It's too late. You can't, can't help me. The sickness, it _died_. It died with Genjo Sanzo. All that's left are me and _him_. Goku, don't let them, don't let them!"

Too late.

Contact has already been made. True to Sanzo's word, death has already cured him of his affliction. His mind and his soul remain damaged, damaged beyond repair, and the only healthy thing he has left inside is a twin soul, Konzen. That is also the only abnormal presence the cure is able to find, as it scours Sanzo's scarred soul, and it latches onto the unfortunate god, attempting to eradicate and _destroy._

Blood begins to trickle from Sanzo's nose in a steady stream, as he lets loose a scream of agony at the torturous assault.

Suddenly the demon breaks contact, shaking her head in consternation.

"I don't understand. I can't find it."

Hakkai and Gojyo's eyes are hard on her.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean it isn't working. There's nothing to cure."

All eyes shift back to Sanzo as he screams again, convulsing in Goku's arms as blood continues to stream down his face in an increasing flow. Sanzo manages to seek out and seize one pair of eyes imploringly with his own, and as those golden eyes stare back at him, he forces safe passage for one word through the screams that he cannot control.

"Stop… "

Goku blinks, and responds.

Gently, he lays Sanzo down, and then, all gentleness is abandoned, as he attacks the demon in a brutal show of violence.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo can do nothing as they watch the scene unfold. They dare do nothing. Blood spurts onto the street as Goku literally tears the demon apart with his bare hands. Into this attack is put all of his pain, anger, fear, all of his confusion and desperation, and even, all of his love. It is as if Goku is using this demon's very blood and guts as the medium with which to depict all that he and Sanzo have recently gone through, painting it across the empty street in a gruesome, macabre display of horrific art.

Sanzo is only vaguely aware of Goku's actions, even though he is not spared from the red spray that emits from the scene. Something else has caught his eye instead. Something beautiful and clean that speaks of freedom and escape. Coughing and choking on his own blood, he begins to crawl deliriously towards this newfound object of hope, which happens to be the now dead demon's flying dragon, still waiting patiently in the street.

As he draws near the animal, he grasps the harness, and collapses against the winged form.

Goku stands panting in the middle of the carnage that once was a woman, his eyes distant and unfocused as his fingers flex spasmodically, blood dripping from his arms and soaking his clothes.

Hakkai looks beyond him, to Sanzo, and, in alarm, calls his name. Gojyo curses as he too notices Sanzo's current position. The sound of Sanzo's name snaps Goku out of his daze of bloodlust, and he turns to look as well. The realization of what he sees almost makes him want to cry, or laugh, or maybe both.

Through the relief of knowing what is about to happen, Goku is finally able to see Gojyo and Hakkai again as the friends he once knew.

"Hakkai. Gojyo. I'm sorry. And thanks for everything. You guys are the best. But I'll take care of Sanzo from now on. It's the only way."

"Goku…"

"You're not gonna…"

"Goodbye."

Goku turns, and in an instant he is at Sanzo's side, hauling him up with him onto the back of the dragon. All too soon, they have left the street, along with the corpse and their friends, far below. All too soon, Hakkai and Gojyo's shouts and calls are no longer even a whisper on the breeze.

XXX

_Freedom. _

That's what this is. High in the sky, among the clouds, _flying west._

Goku holds Sanzo safely in his arms until the physical symptoms pass and his suffering eases off. When Sanzo is able to sit up a little on his own, he gazes in silent wonder at the vast, empty sky surrounding them on all sides, the clean wind rushing in his face. In Goku's supportive arms, his body seems to tremble, and Goku is worried, until he realizes; Sanzo is soundlessly _laughing_. Goku presses his face into billowing golden hair, wearing a joy big enough to embrace the world, except that now, the only world he needs is here, right now, with Sanzo.

They are flying, and the fact that they are covered in blood does not matter, the fact that they are both sick in the head is of no concern. Pain has been forgotten as well. All the various troubles and trials of their life have been left far below and are likewise forgotten.

They have found a compromise. They will travel west together after all, as Goku had wished, leaving Sanzo at his side and Hakkai and Gojyo safe behind, but they will not travel on foot, nor against Sanzo's will.

Sanzo throws back his head in abandon, raising his arms high above his head. He smiles, childlike, as thoughts of orange paper airplanes and blue skies come to vivid life in his mind. Goku smiles too, tears of happiness escaping his eyes and flowing back into the wind, to fall like raindrops onto the land far below.

TO BE CONTINUED


	29. Transcendence

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 29**

**Transcendence **

One naked foot steps lightly onto foreign soil, as Sanzo slips easily off of the dragon's back. Goku isn't far behind, his own booted feet connecting somewhat less gracefully with solid ground. Sanzo is drunk on elation, the thrill of flight and escape having lifted his spirits into an emotional high, and, because Sanzo is happy, so too is Goku.

Goku watches with a smile as Sanzo lifts his face to the sky, his eyes sparkling with excitement. Goku's smile widens when those radiant eyes turn his way, igniting his soul. With delighted laughter, he playfully trips Sanzo's feet out from under him, just to give himself the reward of catching his shining blond treasure in his arms. Gently, he lowers Sanzo down with him to the ground, hardly daring to breath lest he ruin the magic of actually having Sanzo relaxed and _happy_ and totally receptive to his demonstration of affection. Intending to take full advantage of his companion's good mood, Goku leans in to bestow him with a celebratory kiss.

When their lips meet, soft and sweet, Sanzo sighs in deep content, letting his fingers tangle in a wind-blown shock of chocolate-brown hair.

The touch tingles pleasantly against Goku's scalp, and he reluctantly breaks the kiss just to gaze once again into the absolute _miracle_ of pain-free amethyst eyes.

Miraculous the sight may be, but sometimes miracles are just too good to be true.

One moment, those eyes are smiling up at Goku, vibrant and bright, and the next, they are blank and dulled by pain's inevitable return. The fingers entwined gently in his hair involuntarily tighten their grip, pulling sharply at the roots. When the bad spell passes and Sanzo's heart settles again in his chest, much of the pure, innocent joy has been wiped away, leaving Sanzo looking more weary than anything else. Goku shifts away from their embrace in dismay, and as he does so suddenly becomes aware of the dried blood clinging to his skin and caking his clothes, rendering them stiff and dark red.

Goku wrinkles his nose, disgust and anger welling up inside of him, directed both at the phantom demon which is Sanzo's pain, as well as at the actual demon he had torn apart back in the village. There is no way he can touch Sanzo now when he is so contaminated by that foul creature's blood, and already he has let Sanzo become tainted with it.

The object of Goku's concern, still lying stretched out aimlessly on the ground, is looking at him curiously, and Goku offers him a smile, an expression in contrast to his own current feelings. Sanzo twitches the corner of his lips slightly, in what could be interpreted as the ghost of a half-hearted attempt to return the gesture. Charmed by the response, minimal though it may be, Goku turns up the intensity of his grin, trying to coax a little more in return. He is rewarded with another small smile, more beautiful to him than the most perfect sunrise, and Goku's heart just melts.

Oh, he _so_ desperately wants to protect Sanzo, to take away his pain, but he cannot protect him from whatever it is now that hurts him from within. Goku sits back on the dusty ground and hugs his knees, looking off into the dreary, ominous distance.

Houtou Castle is not far, and storm clouds are beginning to gather threateningly in the sky.

XXX

This close to the source of Shangri-La's troubles, chaos reigns. Earlier, Sanzo and Goku had passed over a village entirely overrun by demon occupation. Whatever humans do remain in the area live strictly under demon subjugation and constant fear.

Sanzo and Goku have finally found a tiny, secluded house, apparently abandoned and ransacked, but for them it is enough. It will offer adequate shelter from the weather, and provide a suitable haven in which to rest.

Once settled, Goku's first priority is to wash away all traces of blood. His next priority is food. They haven't eaten in quite a while, and he wants to provide Sanzo with the nourishment he needs to regain his strength, especially since Sanzo obviously hasn't been eating well for some time now, judging by his loss of weight. Goku sighs rather ruefully, considering the fact that he himself is in similar circumstances. It's been ages since the words, "I'm hungry", once spoken so frequently, have been much more than just an inconsequential thought in the back of his mind.

Goku leaves Sanzo resting comfortably in their makeshift nest and goes to the dingy little kitchen to see what he can do about scrounging together some kind of meager meal. By the time he finally manages to fumble through the task of cooking stale rice, which happens to be the only edible thing available, night has fallen and rain is already coming down in torrents.

When he approaches with a steaming bowl of the simple meal, Sanzo is awake and sitting perfectly still by the window, staring out at the dark, wet world beyond the thin glass. Quietly setting down the dish, Goku kneels at his side, the two of them closely enveloped in soft candlelight and the steady beat of the rain. Sanzo's eyes are eerily distant, even as Goku gently runs his fingers through the silken strands of his hair, quietly enjoying the fresh contrast of the pale locks against his own tanned skin. A slight frown flickers briefly across Sanzo's face, but otherwise Goku's presence, including the touch, goes entirely ignored.

Goku sighs. He isn't surprised that the rain has brought Sanzo even further down, but that doesn't stop him from feeling disappointed. He moves in closer, gathering up Sanzo's hair, grown slightly longer now due to the absence of regular trimming, in order to expose the sensitive skin at the nape of his neck. Sanzo remains unresponsive, but Goku is undeterred. Longing and devotion overtake him, and he snakes an arm around Sanzo's waist to clasp one of his hands, lacing their fingers together. Goku whispers Sanzo's nameagainst his skin, and as he does so, a peal of thunder growls as if to contrast with the softer sound.

As the rumble of thunder fades away, Sanzo finally responds, although not quite in the way that Goku was hoping for, his voice low and harsh, as if in warning.

"Leave me alone."

Lightning flares violently, overwhelming and drowning out the cozy light provided by the candle. Goku holds his breath, but does not retreat. He feels almost awestricken by the extent of Sanzo's power to draw him in and hold him utterly spellbound. How can Sanzo's light always be so beautiful to him, whether it be enhanced by the brilliance of the sun, a burning fire, or even a wicked storm?

"No."

Sanzo lets his breath hiss sharply between his teeth, angered by Goku's refusal to obey. The rain drums in his ears relentlessly, seeming to increase in intensity, threatening to rip his skull asunder. He breaks away from Goku and turns to face him coldly.

As their eyes clash, the storm continues to rage, inside and out.

"What did you say?"

"I said no. I won't leave you alone."

Goku reaches to trace his fingers lightly over the back of Sanzo's neck, but his hand is immediately slapped away.

"Stop."

Goku catches Sanzo's hand firmly by the wrist.

"No, Sanzo. _You _stop."

Sanzo gapes at him, shooting invisible daggers with his eyes and spitting venom with his words.

"What the fuck do you think you're…"

"I won't lose you to the rain, Sanzo. No one can take you away from me, _no one_. Not even the ghost that haunts you whenever it rains."

Faced with Goku's determination, the weight of old emotional wounds and the stress of recent circumstances, Sanzo begins to break down. The waver in his voice proves impossible to hide.

"How… _dare _you…"

Goku gives his wrist a light squeeze.

"I won't give up on you. I _need_ you."

"Let go, Goku."

"No."

"Goku…"

Sanzo's voice trails off, almost more pleading than demanding now, and Goku's answer is imbued with all the sincerity he can muster.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, not again. But I won't let you be alone. I won't."

Sanzo glares a moment longer, willing Goku to back off, and then turns his face away towards the rain-streaked glass.

"You're so naïve, little monkey. The rain… it reminds me. What hurts the most is to lose someone you care about. I wanted to protect myself, so I kept my distance. I denied everything. Was it wrong, Goku? Was I wrong?"

"Sanzo…"

Sanzo shakes his head, and seeks out the reflection of Goku's eyes in the window.

"What am I going to do with you, my Goku?"

Goku leans forward, resting his chin on Sanzo's shoulder.

"Whatever you do, don't push me away. It hurts. It hurts even more than… than being alone… in the cave…"

Sanzo closes his eyes, remembering the lonely creature that had called to him so desperately from his prison of rock. Realization dawns like a dark cloud on the horizon.

_The cave. _

"Sanzo, come away from the window. Forget the dumb old rain."

Goku waits in frustrated impatience, slipping his arms around Sanzo again and letting his fingers play teasingly just under the waistline of too-loose jeans. But Sanzo is no longer aware of the touch, entranced and numb to his present surroundings. The hypnotic sound of the rain entwines around his mind, holding him captive to memories, forcing him to relive a haunting tale five centuries old, a tale that only ends in tragedy again and again.

Goku angles his head to peer into Sanzo's face, into lost, empty eyes vacantly transfixed on the storm outside. Goku soundlessly curses the rain, an enemy he cannot fight, before pulling Sanzo away from the window and flopping backwards with him into the nest of bedding spread out invitingly for them on the floor. He settles himself comfortably over Sanzo's body, gazing down at him with warmth and intensity.

"Come on, Sanzo, look at me. Be here with me."

Sanzo's eyelids flutter as he struggles to focus on the present.

"Goku? It's... it's almost over, but for you, it _never_ ends… "

"Sanzo, forget it. It's just the rain messing with you, makin' you feel nothin' but gloom and doom. But I can make you feel good. Remember the sky? Everything was so clear. We were happy there. I'll make you feel like you're flying again. Wake up and fly with me, Sanzo."

Overcome now with desire and the desperate need to bring Sanzo back to him, Goku carefully administers each kiss and caress, trying to elicit a response. Sanzo's faraway eyes fall gently shut as the sensations wash over him, chasing away the unwholesome dark. Goku eagerly exposes as much skin as possible on his downward path, until finally, he reaches his destination, and Sanzo throws back his head with a shuddering moan, eyes snapping open as he awakens to the reality of the moment. For one frighteningly lucid second, he even thinks to resist, pulling at Goku's hair in mild protest. But lucid thought very soon becomes next to imposible as he finds himself submitting, wanting, _needing..._

Needing nothing but _this, here, now_...

_Nothing but Goku._

For a moment, all else is blissfully forgotten, until...

His heart skips a beat, in prelude to a violent contraction of the vital muscle. Pain overwhelms pleasure, and Sanzo cries out in sharp agony.

Goku quickly stops his ministrations and lifts his head, disturbed and confused, trying to determine the cause of the unexpected response. Sanzo's breath hisses through tightly clenched teeth, his hands clutching in absolute anguish at Goku's hair, entire body gone rigid with stress.

Through the steady beat of the rain, the faulty, erratic rhythm of Sanzo's heart sounds loudly in Goku's ears, terrifying in its implications. Although afraid to leave, Goku scrambles to his feet, leaving strands of his own hair behind in desperate fingers, and races from the room. He isn't gone long, returning quickly with a damp cloth. Kneeling at Sanzo's side, he takes one trembling hand in his and places the cool cloth tenderly on a brow no longer adorned with the mark of the gods.

XXX

After an hour or so of such mutual torment, in which the pain seems worse than ever before, Sanzo finally begins to relax, his heartbeat becoming gradually more lies down next to him, worry-worn, and places a comforting handon Sanzo's chest over his sighs, his breath no longer hindered, and, exhausted, bids good riddance to the last twinges of pain.

They lie quietly together, listening to the raindrops hit the roof over their heads. In the kitchen, the dragon shifts in its sleep, snorting contentedly. After a while, Sanzo places a hand over Goku's in silent thanks, and Goku lifts his head a little, questioning wordlessly. Sanzo does not look at him, his only response being a brief squeezeof his hand.

It's enough for Goku. Reassured, he moves to tuck his head against Sanzo's shoulder a little tentatively, almost afraid tofor fear that somehow it is his touch that's responsible for Sanzo's pain. The idea does not seem so very farfetched in his mind, and it unsettles him vaguely. He tries to brush the thought away as he mumbles sleepily against the other man's skin.

"Sanzo, what's wrong with you?"

Sanzo sighs heavily and lightly drapes an arm over Goku, who responds to the welcoming touch by snuggling in more comfortably at his side.

"It's Konzen. The more I resist him, the more it hurts. But I can't let him come through, not yet."

"You mean… _Konzen_ is doing this to you? He's _hurting_ you?"

"Not intentionally, but yes. If I had given in, he'd be here with you right now. I'd be locked up instead of him. But… I can't let him out until I explain to you what you need to do, Goku. It'll be up to you and him, but you have to _make_ him do it. It's up to _you_, Goku."

Goku sits up slowly, gazing down at Sanzo with a drawn seriousness hardly suited to his youthful face.

"What do me and Konzen gotta do?"

"You have to end this. You have to win the fight. You have to save the world. You have to do it for me, because I can't. I _can't_."

The grim expression on Goku's face melts into a childish pout.

"But why? Why do we even gotta do that? Why can't we just forget the whole thing? I just wanna be with you, I don't care about anything else."

"No, Goku. It doesn't work that way. Besides, Konzen and I, we can't stay like this. It's no good. We'll only end up killing each other."

Sanzo laughs suddenly, as if the whole situation were nothing but a sick joke.

"You won't leave me, Goku. I know you won't. In the end, _I'm_ always the one who leaves _you_."

Goku leans over Sanzo, bringing his face in close.

"Hey. Listen, Sanzo. Don't start sayin' stuff like that. You won't leave me, right?"

"Goku, I think it's time. We're finally here, at the end of the road. I have to let Konzen out now, but first… I'll tell you what you have to do."

"Sanzo?"

"Goku, you wanted me to give up the rain for you. To give up the ghosts of the past. But if I do that, then you have to do the same for me. Can you do that? Can you give up _Konzen_ for me?"

"But you _are _Konzen. You're the same."

"Do you really think that? Maybe in a way it's true. But think again. I am Konzen. I am what Konzen becomes. But Konzen is not me. He is _not._ Now listen. This is important. Take Konzen to Houtou Castle. He must bear the Maten scripture in my place. Konzen is a _god_. In his hands, its power will be amplified. _You_… "

Sanzo reaches up to smooth down Goku's spiky hair, his fingers coming to rest against the golden coronet.

"You have to help him, but not as you are now. The little monkey isn't strong enough, no. The _monster_ has to do it. You have to release it, Goku. Will you do that for me?"

"No. I _can't_. I… I don't wanna be that _thing_ again."

"You have to. It's the only way we stand a chance. Even so, we might not make it."

"No!"

Sanzo gives Goku's hair a sharp tug.

"Do as I say, Goku. Do you hear me? You _will _do it."

Goku drops his gaze, turning his face away.

"I'll do anything for you, Sanzo. But not that. I can't. Please don't ask me to."

"Then I have no further use for you, Goku. I don't need a weak, naughty little monkey like you. Get out of my sight."

"But Sanzo… "

"Get out!"

Goku winces and hunches his shoulders miserably, but before he can argue further, Sanzo suddenly mutters a curse and clutches at his chest in renewed pain.

"Goku, I…Will you help, before it's too late?"

The desire to help Sanzo, to ease his pain, wins out over his own fear, and Goku agrees.

"Okay. I'll do it."

Sanzo sighs in relief, even though the pain continues to assault him. Goku will help him. That is enough for now.

"I knew you wouldn't forsake me, little monkey. But listen, remember what I said. There can be only _one_ sun in the sky, and... I'm a selfish bastard, so I want it to be _me_. Understand? I won't let him keep you."

Goku nods, and Sanzo closes his eyes in a moment of preparation. Then, he lets the pain have its way, and the world goes white, as he finally allows Konzen to take transcendence.

XXX

So it is not Sanzo who lies unconscious at Goku's side, but Konzen. Goku, unaware of the switch, sleeplessly listens to the storm as he absently combs his fingers through blond hair, trying not to think about what he has agreed to do.

Later, when the rich smell of blood invades his acute senses, Goku sits up, and watches in fascinated alarm as Sanzo's pillow slowly stains red. Sanzo is suffering another nosebleed, and a bad one. Goku swallows nervously, and licks his lips as an uncontrollable shiver of excitement thrills through him, stirred to life by the intoxicating scent. He frowns in self-disgust, and, with the cloth he had used to tend to Sanzo before, soaks up the flow as best he can, feeling guilty and ashamed, and vowing that he will make it up to Sanzo for his despicable behaviour by helping him in any way he can, even if that means willfully removing his limiter on demand.

XXX

Time passes slowly in the night, and eventually, Konzen opens his eyes.

It comforts him immensely to see that Goku is with him, the familiar presence soothing the shock of having to suddenly readjust to conscious awareness. The last clear memory he has is of being with Goku at the doctor's place, after the attack. There, together, they had shared something intimate and meaningful. Dazedly, he assumes that this must be the same room, but somehow that doesn't feel right. His mind is spinning and everything feels strange and confused. Forcing back a vague sense of alarm, he sits up a little, and is about to say something to Goku, when he sees the blood.

_Blood. _

Instantly, it invokes fear and revulsion, and Konzen recoils from the unwelcome sight. Worse, he can even _taste_ it. In horror, he reaches to his face, and when his fingers comes away wet with the vile red fluid, nausea washes over him, forcing him to gag uncontrollably. When his stomach finally stops heaving, Goku is still there, rubbing his back and waiting anxiously.

"Sanzo?"

A fog seems to be hanging heavily on Konzen's mind, weighing him down, making it difficult to think clearly. He opens his mouth to speak, but his tongue and his mind won't connect, and nothing comes out. He shakes his head, and tries again.

"N-no. G-go… ku. It's… I… "

His eyes stray to the bloody cloth in Goku's hand. Goku presses his lips together and frowns, moving to wipe the bloodfrom Sanzo's face. Konzen panics, grabbing Goku's wrist to prevent the horrid object from coming any closer. He tries to speak again, but this time nothing emerges but a pathetic whimper.

As Konzen mutely meets Goku's imploring gaze, Goku's eyes take on a strangely doubtful glint.

"Sanzo?"

Konzen again shakes his head.

"No. I… "

As another bout of gagging leaves Konzen feeling faint and grasping for air instead of words, Goku squints his eyes suspiciously.

"_Konzen_?"

Konzen chokes out a murmur of assent, nodding his head in obvious relief that Goku has recognized him. For a moment, Goku is likewise struck speechless, trying to adapt to the shock of the change. Then he forces a somewhat fake, though meant to be reassuring, smile onto his lips, studying Konzen curiously as he does so.

"Sanzo let you out. Does it still hurt?"

Konzen shakes his head, and Goku frowns, trying to remain calm, though he himself is shaken and far from feeling at ease.

"What's wrong? Talk to me, Konzen. I need to know if you're okay."

But Goku is unable to get anything out of Konzen, who is still suffering from the effects of the attempted cure, from its aborted attack on his soul. What Goku is eventually able to conclude on his own is that the sight of the blood is upsetting to Konzen, and so he makes an effort to erase all trace of the offending substance, tossing aside the stained pillow and coaxing Konzen to submit to a wash with a clean cloth. Luckily the blood has since stopped flowing, making his job easier.

That done, all that is left for him to do for the time being is to wrap Konzen in his arms, and hold him close. He finds that he very easily and quickly reverts to a clingy, touch-hungry monkey, as physical contact is usually more accepted by Konzen than by Sanzo. As they lie together, sheltered from the steady, though now diminishing, drizzle outside, Goku lets his thoughts and feelings roam freely, though he is not left untroubled as a result.

In one sense, he feels relieved to be with Konzen again. It's like receiving a much-needed emotional tonic. But at the same time, Goku is forlorn because Sanzo is now so out of reach, even more so than when he is right by his side. And then there is what Sanzo had said, about he and Konzen _killing_ each other. The thought chills him, and suddenly the man in his arms no longer feels quite as warm as he did a moment ago. Another thing…

Sanzo had asked Goku to forget about his relationship to Konzen. Sanzo had asked Goku to love only one, and had wanted that one to be him. But how can Goku choose, when one shines just as brightly as the other?

And so the rain falls throughout the remainder of the night, dampening spirits as it dampens the earth. The bliss of flight and freedom has come to an end, leaving nothing but cold reality in its place.


	30. Sweet Surrender

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 30**

**Sweet Surrender**

Blood and pain. Trauma and tragedy. The scars are there, within the once-high soul of an exiled god, punished with death by the very Heavens who bore him and which he served throughout his tediously divine existence.

These scars are still fresh, still tender, and are carried as _fear._

XXX

Morning arrives rain free, and Konzen awakens with a welcome lifting of the fog of confusion from the night before. Now, he understands all too clearly the explanation of present circumstances that Goku drills him with, and Goku's request for his help. However, his answer is a flat, uncompromising refusal to participate in the scheme.

For one thing, he does not like the idea of doing anything on Heaven's demand. Not to mention the fact the idea of engaging in any battle is absolutely deplorable to him. Bloodshed, killing, dying... He's had enough of it all.

But Goku is persistent.

The two stand facing each other directly, each refusing to back down from their own side of the argument. Words are becoming repetitive, voices growing louder. Tempers are rapidly on the rise as well, and Goku's frustration is close to bursting. When he does burst, it happens so fast it takes them both by surprise.

Within seconds, Konzen is knocked off his feet and forced to the dusty floor, his arms pinned uselessly at his sides. Goku glares down at him.

"You _will _help me. Say it. Say you'll help me, Konzen. If you don't, I'll have to... I'll..."

Konzen returns the glare with cold accusation, and Goku's anger suddenly dissipates as he realizes his guilty position.Quickly, he releases his captive and scrambles away, leaving Konzen free to gather his dignity, stand, and march right out of the hut, slamming the door impetuously on his way out.

A moment later, Goku follows, subdued and shame-faced. What greets him outside is nothing but a disagreeable scowl and two stiffly crossed arms.

Goku sighs, trying to look as harmless and as endearing as possible, but Konzen just turns his back in silence. Goku approaches slowly and lets a hand run soothingly down the tense muscles of Konzen's back. He knows Konzen _likes_ his touch, when it's gentle, and he feels sorry that he upset him by getting a little rough. He puts all his apology into an embrace, slipping his arms around Konzen's waste. After a moment, he feels Konzen relax, and he sighs in relief, his own anger likewise sobered up.

"Konzen, just stop being so s_tubborn_."

Konzen smiles mirthlessly at the idea.

"Stubborn? Ha, this isn't _stubborn_, Goku. This is _defiant_. Heaven had me executed, _murdered_ in the very midst of what is supposed to be sacred. I will not do Heaven's bidding now. I _will not_."

"Then, I guess that's why you're so afraid, huh? Because of what happened… "

"I am not afraid. I'm _angry_."

"No. You're afraid. You can't hide it from me, Konzen. Besides, you even told me yourself, remember? That's why you won't help me. You're afraid of dying again. You're afraid of gettin' _hurt._ That's why you're so afraid of blood."

"Shut up. I'm not afraid of…"

Speaking of the devil, dread and disgust swallow his denial as something wet and warm begins to ooze down his face. Goku's nose twitches, and heeasily turns Konzen around to face him. The sight of the blood, bright crimson contrasting attractively with fair skin and moistening Konzen's lips, has Goku transfixed despite himself.

"Umm... your... your nose is bl… "

Konzen stumbles against Goku suddenly as faintness and nausea hit. Goku catches his fall and helps him to sit against the wall of the hut. Still shaking and queasy, Konzen squeezes his eyes shut and presses his lips tightly together lest the scarlet flow find its treacherous way between his lips. The mere thought of the sickening coppery taste is enough to fill him with mortal, morbid dread.

Goku leans in close to whisper in Konzen's ear, his concern tainted by something much darker and impossible to resist.

"It's just blood, Konzen. You don't have to be afraid of it. It's a _part_ of you. It's _beautiful_. It's real and alive, and…"

Konzen whimpers softly in protest when he feels the tip of Goku's tongue trace over his bloodied lips, and opens his eyes to meet the heated cauldrons of a gaze cast into bronzed shadow by an alluring fall of hair. Goku runs his tempted tongue over his own lips in sinful appreciation of the taste of blood.

"_Sanzo's _not afraid of blood."

Konzen turns his face to the side in distaste at the sudden mention of his reincarnation.

"_Sanzo_? Sanzo's fucked in the head. Of course he's not afraid of it. He _likes _it. He likes his violence so much, he fucking _tortures_ himself just for the hell of it. Doesn't he? The sick freak likes pain so much, _this _is what he does."

Konzen pushes up his sleeves, extending scarred arms for Goku to see as evidence of his _precious _Sanzo's violent tendencies.

Without pause, Goku grabs both arms by the wrists, earning an angry glare from troubled eyes. His hands apply pressure until the glare breaks, cracking like glass and revealing the softer layers behind the icy façade. Still the bruising grip does not lessen.

"Don't you ever, ever talk about _Sanzo_ like that. This is _Sanzo's _body, so what he does with it isn't any of your business. Got it?"

Konzen breath freezes in his lungs, Goku's harsh words stinging enough to leave him momentarily stunned, his hands already numb from the lack of circulation caused by Goku's punishing hold. Konzen slumps his shoulders miserably, a weak whisper falling brokenly from blood-smeared lips.

"You're... _hurting_... me..."

Goku nearly wants to turn the punishment against himself when he realizes what he's doing, what he's just said. His attitude softens immediately, and melts into liquid warmth, an affection as sweet as golden honey.

Goku knows... it's the sweetness that Konzen craves to chase the darkness away.

But even as Goku tenderly massages Konzen's numb hands and kisses his bruised wrists, a strange, dark confusion gathers inside him and twists his mind away from comforting thoughts.

"You taste good, Konzen, but… it's _Sanzo's _taste, isn't it? I guess… I guess I'll never know what _you _really taste like. Maybe it's the same? But… I wonder what a god would taste like? It couldn't be this good, 'cause gods aren't really _alive_, are they? Not if Heaven's as boring as you say it is. Konzen? Would you taste as perfect as Sanzo does?"

Goku stares thoughtfully at Konzen for a moment, and then kisses him lightly on the lips.When he again brushes his lips against Konzen's wrist, the contact leaves a thin streak of blood behind.

"Look, Konzen. It looks so pretty, red on white_. Sanzo_ knows all about pain. Me and him, we… we tasted each other's pain."

Konzen leans his head against the wall, sickened by the supposed _prettiness _of this misery.

"I'm... not... _Sanzo_."

Goku looks deep into his eyes for a long moment.

"No. You're not."

With these words, Goku lets Konzen's hands drop from his,and stands. He looks down at Konzen for a moment longer, a strange, unreadable expression on his face. Then he turns, and heads back into the hut without a backwards glance. When the door shuts quietly behind him, Konzen's world collapses. Left alone for the first time in this strange new life, with the horrifying red of his own blood - _Sanzo's blood_ - continuing to leave his body – _Sanzo's body_ - at a slow, steady trickle, he has never felt so dejected, or so alone.

He is not Sanzo, and Goku – _Sanzo's Goku_ - has abandoned him.

XXX

Although Konzen's divine soul recovered quickly from the effects of the spiritual attack, his human body still suffers, and the internal hemorrhaging caused by the psychic invasion has not ceased. The result is a slow, steady flow, draining down his chin into a sticky, bloody mess. Even his sleeves are stained dark red from his futile attempts to wipe the blood away.

Time passes like a nightmare in slow motion, as he remains slumped in a light-headed daze against the wall outside. Eventually, at the point when he starts to fear that he might actually _die_ out here, that maybe he'll bleed to death all alone, a shadow crosses his face, blocking the sun. Hope rises in his heart as he opens his eyes, his lips shaping a name.

"Goku?"

But what he sees is not Goku, come to ease his suffering at last.

His eyes widen in shock.

For, looming and leering over him, are four very nasty looking demons indeed.

XXX

Inside the hut, Goku welcomes the temporary escape of sleep, letting its heavy shroud subdue the menacing shadows swirling in his mind. In sleep, he hides himself away from violent impulses and a bloodlust he cannot seem to control. He had turned on Konzen today, _hurt _Konzen with his own hand, and he is ashamed, confused, _afraid. _

When he awakens suddenly, with his heart pounding, he knows something is terribly wrong.

Konzen is in danger.

In an instant, the haven of sleep is shrugged away and abandoned as he charges outside to confront the danger, flinging open the door so hard that it rips right off of its flimsy hinges. The sight that greets him is not a pleasing one, and Goku is beyond pissed.

The demons gape at him stupidly, one of them having gone so far as to dare to grab Konzen by the hair as they toy with him, yanking his head back in the process so that the blood is forced to run down his throat. Apparently, the beasts find it _entertaining _to watch a sick, defenceless human choke on his own blood.

The demons snicker and grin with cruel intent, already forgetting about the incident with the door now that they are faced with Goku's non-threatening appearance. One opens its mouth, and words in a language Goku does not understand spill forth. Goku does not care, for he knows another language, and one that does not make use of words.

Goku growls.

"Konzen's _mine_."

To Konzen, this claim is music to his ears.

Vulgar laughter erupts amidst the creatures, as they make fun of the foreign tongue. But the laughter dies in their throats as Goku launches his attack. Within moments, the demon once holding Konzen no longer has a mouth at all, his face crushed to a pulp.

Goku, his fist covered in gore, smiles charmingly at the remaining three demons, standing protectively over his own living treasure.

XXX

When it ends, Goku is once again covered from head to toe in red.

He approaches Konzen, dragging one surviving demon along by the hair. Goku smiles, his teeth shining miraculously white through a face splashed with blood.

"This one's for you."

With one hand, Goku pulls the banishing gun from its place in the waistband of his jeans, holding it out for Konzen.

"Here, take it. You can't let these guys get away with messin' with you like that. I saved this one for you."

Konzen can only stare at the gun in horror, his head spinning in a dizzy haze.

"Come on, Konzen."

Goku waves the gun a little, trying unsuccessfully to get Konzen to take it. Finally he just shoves the demon to the ground, pinning it there with one foot as he presses the gun into Konzen's hand, placing the muzzle against their attacker-turned-victim's head.

"Konzen, come on, just pull the trigger. It's easy."

Konzen turns his head away, his hand shaking violently as Goku steadies the gun in his grip. Seconds pass one by one, until, without warning, Goku impatiently forces Konzen's finger down on the trigger.

A spray of blood splatters up into Konzen's face as the demon is put to death.

Goku lets Konzen's hand slip off of the weapon, and waits until he finishes getting sick all over the red-stained ground, before helping him up and away from the mess.

"You shoulda shot the monster. _Sanzo_ woulda shot 'im. He's not afraid to fight. He's not afraid to kill if he has too. Sanzo… "

"Shut up! Just shut up._ I'm not Sanzo_. I don't know how to live in his world. I... Will you… I need you to teach me, Goku. Teach me how to live with _pain_."

Konzen turns wide, imploring eyes upon Goku, his pale face streaked with blood and tears.

"Goku... _help me_... _Please_."

He looks such a pitiful sight that Goku can't help but hold him and comfort him, but when Konzen tries to turn the embrace into an urgent kiss, Goku refuses to participate in the desperate touch.

"No."

"W_hy_?"

"I belong to _Sanzo_."

The deep hurt in Konzen's eyes almost makes Goku change his mind. Sanzo hadn't asked him to promise anything, but Goku feels that he owes it to Sanzo to keep their agreement, to make up for a real promise that went horribly wrong.

"I'm sorry, Konzen. But it's okay. I love you, too. It's just… _different_. It's like... you'll always be my _sunshine_, but... I'm only supposed to have one _sun_."

"Goku…"

"But I'll still teach you. I wanna show you Sanzo's world. And if I do, then you've gotta help me, too.You gotta come help me fight."

"Sanzo's world… it hurts, doesn't it? Then show me. I want to share it with you, Goku. I want you to… I want you to teach me _pain_."

Goku stands solemnly, and returns to the nearby demon dead. He bends down, retrieving some object from the ground. When he straightens, he holds a knife in his hand, the blade glittering silver in the sunlight.

XXX

When Goku sits across from Konzen and offers him the blade, Konzen just shakes his head, unable to conquer his fear enough to accept it.

"No. _You._ You do it."

Goku nods.

"Okay. Hold out your wrist."

Konzen complies, and watches in frightened anticipation as Goku slices the edge neatly across his skin, leaving a deep, stinging cut in its wake. Konzen gasps and tries to draw away, but Goku gently captures his hand and brings the fresh wound to his lips, carefully lapping up the blood. Konzen watches for a moment, torn between conflicting feelings of horror and hope.When the sharp pain fades to nothing more than a pleasant tingle, he leans back against the wall and relaxes into the endorphine high, pain and pleasure mixing together to dull the hurt of jealousy, rejection, and fear.

When the wound stops providing much more forhim, Goku releases Konzen's hand and picks up the knife again.

"Your turn, Konzen."

Konzen watches as Goku draws the blade slowly over his own wrist. When finished, he holds his hand up, letting the blood drip freely onto the ground. Suddenly feeling denied his right to participate, Konzen grasps Goku's wrist impatiently, and tastes his monkey's blood for himself, letting it coat his tongue and slide thickly down his throat.

Somehow, with a control born of desperation, he manages to force back the urge to vomit. To do so now would only threaten his chance at being able to share this connection with Goku.

He will take any connection with Goku that he can get, even if it is only a twisted bond of blood.

Goku locks eyes with Konzen as the blond continues to suck delicately and sensually at the wound. Be it right or wrong, Goku can't help but feel satisfied and content. He was able to help Konzen after all, and now, there is only one more thing he needs.

"So, you'll help me fight, right?"

Konzen nods his agreement, and closes his eyes, concentrating on his task. He will do whatever it takes to keep Goku. Even if it means he must learn to embrace Sanzo's _terrifying_ world.

Even if it means he must try to _become_ Sanzo.


	31. End of the Road

* * *

**My Sun, My Supernova**

**Chapter 31**

**End of the Road**

Konzen lies utterly wasted - Spiritually, physically, and emotionally drained. The sky above him shines with a brilliance that belies the truth he has discovered, as he squints up at a sun that seems to suck all the will out of his life, and all the life from his soul.

So this is the victory that Goku had so desperately needed his help to achieve. Konzen had agreed, if only to gain initiation into Sanzo's world of pain, but what he has found instead is not the sense of belonging, not the miraculous melding into an alien world that he had been hoping for, _longing_ for. No, all he has found is emptiness, and horror. For him, victory feels more like defeat.

Konzen Douji, the soul of an exiled god, had weilded all the Heavenly power of the Maten Scripture as no human priest ever could, and with The Great Sage Equal to Heaven fighting at his side, the battle had been won.

Now, everything is so quiet, so still. Goku sleeps deeply, still recovering after Konzen's _attempt _to return him to his human form. The attempt had been only half successful, for, although Goku does indeed once again wear the golden band, deliberately removed by his own hand, his ferocious features have not changed.

Goku and the demon within have finally become _one._

Konzen slowly lifts his hand to shield his eyes from the sun, his other arm wrapped securely around the beloved creature resting next to him. Focusing on the beat of the heart pounding painfully in his chest, he addresses their other, invisible companion.

"Sanzo, if only… if only _we _could do the same. Somehow become one. But… I don't belong here, do I? I've served my purpose, fought in your place. Goku doesn't belong to _me _anymore."

Goku shifts at his side, snuggling closer. In his sleep, he softly murmurs a name.

"Sanzo."

Konzen swallows the rising regret.

"Sanzo... You can keep what's yours, for now. Take care of Goku, and... be _happy_. You don't have to hurt anymore. _Please_."

Curling up against the warm body next to him, Konzen closes his eyes. When next they open, it is as Sanzo, and as Sanzo they will remain.

XXX

Everything is so lucid, now. So sane it _hurts_. Konzen's use of the scripture has cleared his mind a little, at least temporarily, offering a respite from the ever-present, haunting shadow of madness. As he sits huddled against Goku's still sleeping form, he struggles to adjust to actually being in control of himself again for the first time in what seems like eons. And he knows with painful clarity what will come next. What _must _come next. It's almost enough to make him wish again for a comforting cloak of insanity to hide the truth. If only his mind weren't his own, he could run off with Goku at his side, without a care in the world, and pretend to forget about the consequences. But as it is, he cannot. There is one more mission to complete, and this time, it is for Goku and himself that he will do it.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo continue to trudge westward, for they know not what else to do. The road has never seemed so long or so dismal, as hour after hour, mile after mile, Hakkai grips the steering wheel in grim determination, urging Hakuryu on, and on, and on...

The dust billows in their wake, stirred up by speeding wheels. Gojyo leans back in the seat and lets the wind whip his hair into his face, his eyes straying skyward to watch the wispy clouds play among sun-washed blue. Sky-watching has become something of an obsession of late, ever since it stole two pieces of their collective soul away.

Through the furiously dancing strands of crimson, something catchesGojyo's eye. His attention focuses ruthlessly on the dazzlingly white object, not yet daring to believe it is what he thinks it _might _be.

_A flying dragon._

His bleary eyes widen as a grin spreads across his face.

"Hakkai, Hakkai, stop! Stop the jeep! Look, look!"

As Hakkai puts on the brakes, responding to Gojyo's obvious excitement, Gojyo stands up in the jeep, waving frantically at the two riders upon the creature in the sky. Together, they jump from the vehicle, which converts to its true, living form, and watch the landing with hopeful, welcoming eyes.

XXX

Goku's coronet glitters in the sunshine, his demonic eyes flickering anxiously as one clawed hand catches at Sanzo's sleeve. Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a glance imbued with enough worry and confusion to taint their mutual relief asSanzo turns to soothe his agitated companion, speaking softly into one wickedly pointed ear and stroking wild, unruly hair. Carefully, he unhooks Goku's sharp claws from his clothing. Only when Goku visibly relaxes, does Sanzo venture to lightly descend from the dragon's back and approach the other two.

Slowly, he crosses the gap, and stops to stand in front of them. In his hands he holds two scriptures, tightly rolled. Hakkai raises a brow.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo, his cheeks sunken and his eyes shadowed under unkempt, windswept hair, has never looked so weary. Yet at the same time, he has never seemed so _light, _as if a great weight has finally been lifted from his shoulders.

Sanzo nods.

"Mmm. It's over."

He stands for a moment, gazing into the other's eyes. The look he gives each of them is so deep and so intimate, it feels as if it reaches right into the very depths of the heart. After this strange communion ends, Sanzo closes his eyes, an aura of tranquility settling around him. When he opens them again, they spark with authority and resolve.

"Hakkai, Gojyo. Return to Chang-an. Tell the monks there that the mission was a success. Give them these, the Maten and Seiten sutras. Tell them that Genjo Sanzo did not make it through alive."

He holds out the scriptures, and when Hakkai takes them hesitantly from him, some of the darkness leaves Sanzo's eyes, as if his load has just lightened that much more.

Hakkai and Gojyo question him wordlessly with their eyes, as if afraid to ask. Up above, a cloud passes over the sun, and Sanzo sighs.

"I'm dying."

The reaction to his words is silent, as the statement hits like a bullet to the heart and then slowly bleeds into truth.

"Goku and I… we're leaving together. He's... _changed_."

Hakkai and Gojyo look back at the dragon, towards Goku, and Sanzo suddenly tenses.

"No, don't look at him. Don't make eye contact. He may take it as a threat, or a challenge."

Sanzo is on edge and distracted now, as the air of tranquility from a moment ago rapidly dissipates into static uncertainty. Finally, Hakkai finds his voice, speaking calmly so as to give Sanzo something reassuring to focus on.

"Sanzo, what happened to Goku?"

Sanzo turns to him as if startled by the question, but is quick to reply.

"The limiter. It's... it's no longer strong enough. But... he can't stay like this, there's no place in this world for a monster like him. I have to take him somewhere safe."

Sanzo's composure trembles a little further, and he reaches to tug fretfully at his hair, ducking his head to hide the instability expressed all too clearly in his eyes.

This sad, unhealthy gesture pulls at Gojyo's heart, and when he finally manages to speak, his voice trembles with emotion..

"What d'you mean… you're _dying_?"

Slowly, Sanzo raises his head, folding his arms tightly around himself as if to hold himself together and prevent any more lapses of control.

"Something happened... when Hakkai brought me back to life. It's killing me. It won't be long, but I'm going to use the time I have left… to learn how to _live_. All Goku and I need now is each other."

A moment of silence passes, cold and desolate. Sanzo shrugs, and looks away into the distance. Casually, as if he hasn't just told them that thesun is going to fade away forever and cast the world into eternal darkness, he speaks, and it is the Sanzo of old, the Sanzo before the madness, that Hakkai and Gojyo hear in his voice.

"I'd like to enjoyone last cigarette. It's a pity, but I might consider suffering through one of Gojyo's shitty smokes, just this once."

Pointedly, he looks Gojyo in the eye.Crimson eyes flash back in mock annoyance as the half-breed digs into his pocket for his cigarettes and lighter.

"Stinking monk."

Sanzo turns up his nose at the comment.

"That's 'former monk' to you, water sprite."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

As Gojyo offers him the pack, Sanzo just stares, momentarily caught by surprise. In Gojyo's hand is not what he was expecting, but rather the red and white packaging ofhis own preferred brand.

"You switched."

"Yeah, well, you never know how much you're gonna miss something... until it's gone."

A couple of heartbeats pass. Then, Sanzo smiles, before quickly placing a cigarette between his lips. The smile proves contagious as Gojyo reaches to light Sanzo's cigarette. Hakkai does not remain immune. A puff of smoke fills the space between the three, and when it clears, so too have the smiles faded.

One more deep, lingering lungful, and Sanzo flicks the cigarette to the ground. Behind them, Goku shifts position where he waits, watching intently. Sanzo catches his breath, suddenly feeling awkward as the warm, sad gazes of his two friends burn into his heart.

"I have to go."

As he's about to turn, Gojyo suddenly throws the rules out the window, reacting on a sudden impulse.

"Oh, what the hell, who says grown men can't share a hug."

So saying, he gathers the other two into a group embrace, swallowing Sanzo up between Hakkai and himself. Hakkai laughs a little, allowing his own arms to participate in the unexpected activity. Sanzo stiffens, uncertain and uncomfortable with the unfamiliar closeness. He closes his eyes, and as he does so, his _feels_ it. The _connection_. Slowly, he lifts his arms, almost uncontrollably, and lets them cling, trembling, to the other two.

This connection is a bond that goes beyond life, beyond death. A bond that he knows will soon be severed forever.

He loses himself in this last embrace, this last, desperate thread binding the three of them together, and he has never felt so _warm_. So _loved. _The only other time he has ever felt this depth of warmth, is with…

"Sanzo!"

At the sound of Goku's voice, agitated, urgent, impatient, Sanzo opens his eyes and breaks away from the others. Reluctantly, they let him go.

Gojyo's eyes are moist with unshed tears.

"Hurry up and get outta here, then. Go take care of that monkey of yours."

Hakkai, with Gojyo's arm still wrapped around him, smiles a smile that is real, genuine and entirely heartfelt.

"Take care of yourself as well, Sanzo, and please remember what you said, about learning to live. It's not too late."

Without another word, Sanzo turns, and soon, he and Goku are lost in the open sky.

XXX

Sanzo and Goku, as damaged and as changed as they are, make the absolute most of the time they have left together. Goku is content at last to finally have Sanzo all to himself, and Sanzo no longer feels the need to deny himself a chance at happiness. Together, they go into retreat, secluding themselves away from the world, and each gives to the other all that they can, and in return receives so much more.

Sanzo's physical condition worsens gradually, as Konzen's presence wears on him. As his heart weakens and the bleeding increases, soon, there is no putting off the inevitable.

Deep in the night, Sanzo escorts a sleepy Goku to their final destination. This is the most difficult thing Sanzo has ever had to do, and a decision that tore him apart in the making, but he simply does not have the inner strength left to do the alternative. Perhaps it's selfish, perhaps it's cruel, but if a bullet is truly a gift, then it is a gift he no longer wants to give.

With the limiter ineffective, the only thing strong enough to contain Goku's power now, is the cave. Perhaps one day, Goku will be ready to emerge. Perhaps one day… a new sun will rise. Perhaps one day...

But Sanzo is dying, and he knows, that if Goku experiences his death, all hell will break loose. Goku will be swallowed up by the monster within.

Gently, he releases Goku's hand, and instantly, the chains and shackles form around his ankles and wrists, to reclaim their former prisoner as their own. Before Sanzo has a chance to see those beautiful golden eyes fully awaken to their fate, he turns his back and simply walks away.

XXX

Alone now on the mountain, Sanzo takes his last breath. Konzen, silently screaming in terror, is ripped back to his rightful place, and so the cycle of time and events is destined to repeat.

Free at last, free of _everything_, Sanzo's tortured soul begins to disintegrate into sweet oblivion.

XXX

Caged on top of the mountain, abandoned and bereft, Goku screams.

The sound is carried on the wind, but it does not reach the ears of the man lying so very still upon the hard rock. The breeze touches his soft blond hair, letting it play gently across his face. His eyes, once vibrant and intense, are now dull and glazed, forever closed, and will not greet the sun that will soon rise to shine down upon his cold body.

For Genjo Sanzo is dead.


End file.
